Cosmos's Tears
by: Usa Serenity
I don't know exactly how to start. It is still difficult for me to
talk about, the day my existence changed. I feel the need to get the
story down on paper for future generations, but again, I don't
really know where to start.
I have not really been myself for many years. The last time I felt
truly complete and content was when I was 14 years old. The morning
I woke up and rescued a black cat from some little boys was the last
ordinary day of my life. From that moment on, it seemed as though I
was constantly searching for something. First,the princess and the
ginzuishou, then Mamo-chan, various enemies, etc. Each time one of
these was found, I felt relief, but still it seemed some part of me
was missing. When I evolved into the Neo Queen, for a while it seemed
that missing part had been found at last. I felt whole and content
and happy, but only for a while.
Let me stop here and explain something. You may be confused by my use
of the word evolved. You see, I didn't just ascend the throne as
Tsukino Usagi. I know it's always be speculated that I was only a
figurehead as the Neo Queen. How could someone as ditzy and uneducated
as Usagi rule a planet? I asked myself that question often in the
years before the ascension. The answer was simple, Usagi did not
rule alone. I'm not talking about Mamoru or the Senshi, either. In
the moments before it was time the take the throne, my spirit evolved.
My body remained the same, but my spirit now contained the essence of
my mother, and her mother, and her mother, and so on and so forth.
It seems it had always been that way when a Serenity took the throne.
Had I finished my childhood in the Silver Millennium, I would have
known, but we all know that story, and it's ending.
Anyway, I was suddenly infused with knowledge and experience, and many,
many memories. I saw my father's face for the first time, but through
my mother's eyes. I almost collapsed from the strain of it all. Mamoru
sensed my inner turmoiland gave me a supportive arm to lean on.
Somehow, I got through the ceremony, but I don't really remember very
much. It took several months before I learned how to control the memory
surges that would sometimes overtake me. It took several more years to
come to terms with the fact that I wasn't really Usagi anymore. My
friends became my advisors, and Mamoru became Endymion, it was a
difficult time in the Crystal Palace for all involved. If you add in
a small, inquisitive child, you can see how we all allowed ourselves to
become distracted enough to let some mistakes happen. The time loop
that resulted presented new problems, but we dealt with those in time.
I'm getting closer to what I really want to say. I had to give some
background on my life so you would be able to understand the position
I'm in now. It gets harder for me from here on in, so bear with me.
Chibiusa finally began to age after the time loop passed. I think her
problem may have been some sort of protective device because her
memory seemed to be affected, too. She was able to grow up and develop
normally, with no real memories of the extended time she spent as a
young girl. When she was old enough, Elios began courting her. Her
father and I watched the unfolding romance with wistful eyes. We still
remembered what it meant to be that young and so much in love. While
all this was happening, I began to feel disconnected and restless.
That old feeling of something being just out of reach had returned.
It kept me awake at night. Some nights I would sit on the balcony
until dawn, just watching the moon bathe my kingdom in it's glittery,
pastel light. I would search though all my memories for any clues
about this feeling of almost dread that was overtaking my soul. I
found hints of this same feeling in my grandmother's spirit, but it
would not reveal any answers. Chibiusa grew into a beautiful young
woman. Elios asked for her hand on her sixteenth birthday, and her
father and I gave our blessings. The day Endymion died began as an
ordinary one. I was with Usa in my sitting room, going over her plans
for her dress, when we heard a startled cry and a loud crash coming
from my bedroom. I ran in to see my beloved Endymion on the floor,
thrashing about in convulsions. I screamed for Ami, and she was there
in seconds that seemed like hours. Endymion was still by that time.
She had him taken to the infirmary, but even with all of our
technology, he died. A massive stroke, Ami had said. I was in shock,
and finally had to be medicated. The only detail I can still remember
clearly was being amazed at the gray hair at his temples as he laid on
the floor of the bedroom. I had never noticed it before. I started to
look closely at each Senshi and found the signs of aging in each of
them. I had never noticed before. We all got through the funeral
somehow, but Usa postponed her wedding for a year, then
indefinitely. She began to look at me with haunted eyes. I didn't
understand until I looked in the mirror one day. I was showing my
age for the first time. My silver hair was the same as always,
but my face now showed lines that hadn't been there before Endymion's
death.
Time has a way of moving in a circle. The old ways must end before
new ones can begin. I could feel the end of my circle closing in.
I watched them all die. First Makoto, then Ami, Minako and finally
Rei. They didn't die in accidents, but of old age. They all went
peacefully, with words of encouragement for me, the
one left behind. Usa was my stability, my rock. She held the
kingdom together when I couldn't. It was a very humbling experience.
Through all of this, I still felt something coming towards me, a
force, an entity, another evolvement. It was frightening and yet
seemed to hold a great deal of relief.
I finally decided to give Usa what she deserved, the throne. She
was now twenty one years old, and would be twenty two in two weeks.
I told her that she would ascend the throne on her twenty-second
birthday, as I had done so many years ago. That decision brought
me comfort, and for the next two weeks I was almost my old self.
I learned my true fate on the eve of her ascension.I was in my bed,
going over the ceremony one last time when the memories unlocked.
The feeling was the same as when I first evolved into the Neo Queen.
It took a few moments for me to regain control of mind, but when I
did, I learned the truth. There can only be one Serenity on the
throne. The spirits of the others must merge with the newest Queen
when she ascends the throne. My spirit rejoiced. I would finally
be able to join Endymion and the Senshi! But, that wasn't all I
learned that night. It seems that I was different from most of my
ancestors. Every few generations produced a spirit with unfathomable
power. My power had become to great to merge with my daughter. She
would not be able to survive the strain. The ginzuishou had bonded
so completely with my soul, that it now was my soul. Usa had her
own ginzuishou, and bringing the two together would be disastrous.
The spirits of my ancestors would merge with Usa, but my soul would
go somewhere different. I would become Cosmos, the final and ultimate
form of Sailormoon. Tears began to flow unbidden down my face as I
came to realize just what this meant. I would never see my friends
or my beloved again. I would be forced to exist outside of time for
an eternity. I remember sobbing for what seemed like hours, then I
began to come to terms with my destiny. I would have great power,
and be able to watch over Usa. I would be able to transcend time and
watch my past as Usagi unfold all over again. I would be able to visit
other time lines and see what would have happened "if". It would be
lonely, but it was the only way. Usa had to take the throne. It was
her time to rule. It was the beginning of her circle, even if it meant
the end of mine. I went to Usa to help her understand what was going
to happen. She cried with me, but understood why it had to happen.
We said our goodbyes in the small courtyard that was a duplicate of the
one from my mother's palace on the moon where Endymion proposed. I
watched Usa's face closely during my final evolvement, and for a moment
could see myself through her eyes. I was wrapped in moonlight so thick
and creamy that it seemed to have substance. A floating sensation
overcame me and suddenly Usa was crying. Peace washed over me in waves,
and I understood that it was over. I felt complete, for the first
time in years. I could see Usa in the courtyard, crying softly. I
saw Elios walk over to her and take her in his embrace. I was glad
she had someone to help her. I watched the couple until they went
back into the palace, then turned my thoughts inward. I searched my
memories and found them all new to me. Most of them from times I
didn't know existed. Some of them ancient. All involving a battle
with Chaos. I learned that Chaos had been around since the dawn of
time, and whenever it broke free, a Serenity was born with the power
to defeat it again. That Serenity always became Cosmos. I found a
wealth of knowledge and experience in the spirits of my ancestors.
I have been able to do so much more that I thought possible. My past as
Usagi and as the Neo Queen still haunts me, and will always do so. I
have found similar feelings in many of the spirits in my soul now. I
sent my essence down to earth as a child to help a form of myself
find her inner strength and battle Chaos. I now know that Chaos
is never really defeated, only weakened and dispersed. I have to
fight with it myself from time to time, but usually I leave that to
Sailormoon. My life is more that I thought it would be. Being Cosmos
is not as hard as I thought it would be. Now I have come to the part
I dread. The part of the story that was my inspiration for writing it.
Usa and Elios were married shortly after she took the throne, and have
ruled Crystal Tokyo well. I cried as I watched her give birth. It's
strange to watch something and already know the outcome, but I had a
duty to perform. When the baby girl was out, I walked closer and touched
her softly on the forehead. The sigil I placed glowed silver, like the
moonlight. The next baby followed his sister closely, and when he was
out, I traced the earth sigil on his head. Golden light from the sigil
bathed his delicate face. A familiar spirit approached me and smiled as
he touched the boy child. A golden light flowed into the baby's chest
as I looked at the spirit by my side. Endymion put a finger on his lips
and gestured at our daughter and our grandchildren. Our actions had gone
unnoticed by the others in the room. Usa cradled the babies and looked at
Elios with love shining in her eyes. The nurse gently took the infants
from her and placed them in a bassinet to take them to be washed and
measured and examined. Usa smiled tiredly at her husband as exhaustion
washed over her. At the last moment before sleep took her, she looked
directly at me and her father and gave us a thumbs up sign. I looked at
Endymion then, and as he faded from my sight, he mouthed the
words... "Aishiteru".
My tears are flowing freely again, but I need to finish this. Although
this story may seem sad, my existence as Cosmos is necessary, and I am
finally able to accept that. Just being able to see my grandchildren,
and to see Endymion one last time has made the loneliness bearable. I
will continue to watch over Usa and now my grandchildren. I will get
to see them grow and change and make a new future for Earth and other
planets. I will no longer be a part of the circle, but I will still
get to watch it turn.
Please send all comments, suggestions, and/or flames to: usa28@email.com
by: Usa Serenity
I don't know exactly how to start. It is still difficult for me to
talk about, the day my existence changed. I feel the need to get the
story down on paper for future generations, but again, I don't
really know where to start.
I have not really been myself for many years. The last time I felt
truly complete and content was when I was 14 years old. The morning
I woke up and rescued a black cat from some little boys was the last
ordinary day of my life. From that moment on, it seemed as though I
was constantly searching for something. First,the princess and the
ginzuishou, then Mamo-chan, various enemies, etc. Each time one of
these was found, I felt relief, but still it seemed some part of me
was missing. When I evolved into the Neo Queen, for a while it seemed
that missing part had been found at last. I felt whole and content
and happy, but only for a while.
Let me stop here and explain something. You may be confused by my use
of the word evolved. You see, I didn't just ascend the throne as
Tsukino Usagi. I know it's always be speculated that I was only a
figurehead as the Neo Queen. How could someone as ditzy and uneducated
as Usagi rule a planet? I asked myself that question often in the
years before the ascension. The answer was simple, Usagi did not
rule alone. I'm not talking about Mamoru or the Senshi, either. In
the moments before it was time the take the throne, my spirit evolved.
My body remained the same, but my spirit now contained the essence of
my mother, and her mother, and her mother, and so on and so forth.
It seems it had always been that way when a Serenity took the throne.
Had I finished my childhood in the Silver Millennium, I would have
known, but we all know that story, and it's ending.
Anyway, I was suddenly infused with knowledge and experience, and many,
many memories. I saw my father's face for the first time, but through
my mother's eyes. I almost collapsed from the strain of it all. Mamoru
sensed my inner turmoiland gave me a supportive arm to lean on.
Somehow, I got through the ceremony, but I don't really remember very
much. It took several months before I learned how to control the memory
surges that would sometimes overtake me. It took several more years to
come to terms with the fact that I wasn't really Usagi anymore. My
friends became my advisors, and Mamoru became Endymion, it was a
difficult time in the Crystal Palace for all involved. If you add in
a small, inquisitive child, you can see how we all allowed ourselves to
become distracted enough to let some mistakes happen. The time loop
that resulted presented new problems, but we dealt with those in time.
I'm getting closer to what I really want to say. I had to give some
background on my life so you would be able to understand the position
I'm in now. It gets harder for me from here on in, so bear with me.
Chibiusa finally began to age after the time loop passed. I think her
problem may have been some sort of protective device because her
memory seemed to be affected, too. She was able to grow up and develop
normally, with no real memories of the extended time she spent as a
young girl. When she was old enough, Elios began courting her. Her
father and I watched the unfolding romance with wistful eyes. We still
remembered what it meant to be that young and so much in love. While
all this was happening, I began to feel disconnected and restless.
That old feeling of something being just out of reach had returned.
It kept me awake at night. Some nights I would sit on the balcony
until dawn, just watching the moon bathe my kingdom in it's glittery,
pastel light. I would search though all my memories for any clues
about this feeling of almost dread that was overtaking my soul. I
found hints of this same feeling in my grandmother's spirit, but it
would not reveal any answers. Chibiusa grew into a beautiful young
woman. Elios asked for her hand on her sixteenth birthday, and her
father and I gave our blessings. The day Endymion died began as an
ordinary one. I was with Usa in my sitting room, going over her plans
for her dress, when we heard a startled cry and a loud crash coming
from my bedroom. I ran in to see my beloved Endymion on the floor,
thrashing about in convulsions. I screamed for Ami, and she was there
in seconds that seemed like hours. Endymion was still by that time.
She had him taken to the infirmary, but even with all of our
technology, he died. A massive stroke, Ami had said. I was in shock,
and finally had to be medicated. The only detail I can still remember
clearly was being amazed at the gray hair at his temples as he laid on
the floor of the bedroom. I had never noticed it before. I started to
look closely at each Senshi and found the signs of aging in each of
them. I had never noticed before. We all got through the funeral
somehow, but Usa postponed her wedding for a year, then
indefinitely. She began to look at me with haunted eyes. I didn't
understand until I looked in the mirror one day. I was showing my
age for the first time. My silver hair was the same as always,
but my face now showed lines that hadn't been there before Endymion's
death.
Time has a way of moving in a circle. The old ways must end before
new ones can begin. I could feel the end of my circle closing in.
I watched them all die. First Makoto, then Ami, Minako and finally
Rei. They didn't die in accidents, but of old age. They all went
peacefully, with words of encouragement for me, the
one left behind. Usa was my stability, my rock. She held the
kingdom together when I couldn't. It was a very humbling experience.
Through all of this, I still felt something coming towards me, a
force, an entity, another evolvement. It was frightening and yet
seemed to hold a great deal of relief.
I finally decided to give Usa what she deserved, the throne. She
was now twenty one years old, and would be twenty two in two weeks.
I told her that she would ascend the throne on her twenty-second
birthday, as I had done so many years ago. That decision brought
me comfort, and for the next two weeks I was almost my old self.
I learned my true fate on the eve of her ascension.I was in my bed,
going over the ceremony one last time when the memories unlocked.
The feeling was the same as when I first evolved into the Neo Queen.
It took a few moments for me to regain control of mind, but when I
did, I learned the truth. There can only be one Serenity on the
throne. The spirits of the others must merge with the newest Queen
when she ascends the throne. My spirit rejoiced. I would finally
be able to join Endymion and the Senshi! But, that wasn't all I
learned that night. It seems that I was different from most of my
ancestors. Every few generations produced a spirit with unfathomable
power. My power had become to great to merge with my daughter. She
would not be able to survive the strain. The ginzuishou had bonded
so completely with my soul, that it now was my soul. Usa had her
own ginzuishou, and bringing the two together would be disastrous.
The spirits of my ancestors would merge with Usa, but my soul would
go somewhere different. I would become Cosmos, the final and ultimate
form of Sailormoon. Tears began to flow unbidden down my face as I
came to realize just what this meant. I would never see my friends
or my beloved again. I would be forced to exist outside of time for
an eternity. I remember sobbing for what seemed like hours, then I
began to come to terms with my destiny. I would have great power,
and be able to watch over Usa. I would be able to transcend time and
watch my past as Usagi unfold all over again. I would be able to visit
other time lines and see what would have happened "if". It would be
lonely, but it was the only way. Usa had to take the throne. It was
her time to rule. It was the beginning of her circle, even if it meant
the end of mine. I went to Usa to help her understand what was going
to happen. She cried with me, but understood why it had to happen.
We said our goodbyes in the small courtyard that was a duplicate of the
one from my mother's palace on the moon where Endymion proposed. I
watched Usa's face closely during my final evolvement, and for a moment
could see myself through her eyes. I was wrapped in moonlight so thick
and creamy that it seemed to have substance. A floating sensation
overcame me and suddenly Usa was crying. Peace washed over me in waves,
and I understood that it was over. I felt complete, for the first
time in years. I could see Usa in the courtyard, crying softly. I
saw Elios walk over to her and take her in his embrace. I was glad
she had someone to help her. I watched the couple until they went
back into the palace, then turned my thoughts inward. I searched my
memories and found them all new to me. Most of them from times I
didn't know existed. Some of them ancient. All involving a battle
with Chaos. I learned that Chaos had been around since the dawn of
time, and whenever it broke free, a Serenity was born with the power
to defeat it again. That Serenity always became Cosmos. I found a
wealth of knowledge and experience in the spirits of my ancestors.
I have been able to do so much more that I thought possible. My past as
Usagi and as the Neo Queen still haunts me, and will always do so. I
have found similar feelings in many of the spirits in my soul now. I
sent my essence down to earth as a child to help a form of myself
find her inner strength and battle Chaos. I now know that Chaos
is never really defeated, only weakened and dispersed. I have to
fight with it myself from time to time, but usually I leave that to
Sailormoon. My life is more that I thought it would be. Being Cosmos
is not as hard as I thought it would be. Now I have come to the part
I dread. The part of the story that was my inspiration for writing it.
Usa and Elios were married shortly after she took the throne, and have
ruled Crystal Tokyo well. I cried as I watched her give birth. It's
strange to watch something and already know the outcome, but I had a
duty to perform. When the baby girl was out, I walked closer and touched
her softly on the forehead. The sigil I placed glowed silver, like the
moonlight. The next baby followed his sister closely, and when he was
out, I traced the earth sigil on his head. Golden light from the sigil
bathed his delicate face. A familiar spirit approached me and smiled as
he touched the boy child. A golden light flowed into the baby's chest
as I looked at the spirit by my side. Endymion put a finger on his lips
and gestured at our daughter and our grandchildren. Our actions had gone
unnoticed by the others in the room. Usa cradled the babies and looked at
Elios with love shining in her eyes. The nurse gently took the infants
from her and placed them in a bassinet to take them to be washed and
measured and examined. Usa smiled tiredly at her husband as exhaustion
washed over her. At the last moment before sleep took her, she looked
directly at me and her father and gave us a thumbs up sign. I looked at
Endymion then, and as he faded from my sight, he mouthed the
words... "Aishiteru".
My tears are flowing freely again, but I need to finish this. Although
this story may seem sad, my existence as Cosmos is necessary, and I am
finally able to accept that. Just being able to see my grandchildren,
and to see Endymion one last time has made the loneliness bearable. I
will continue to watch over Usa and now my grandchildren. I will get
to see them grow and change and make a new future for Earth and other
planets. I will no longer be a part of the circle, but I will still
get to watch it turn.
Please send all comments, suggestions, and/or flames to: usa28@email.com