Title: Always Made To Fly.
Pairing: KeigoXIshida (for some fucked reason I always seem to write these two in parallel to my life…), with KeigoXMizuiro and IshidaXIchigo.
Rating: M for heady, hard to swallow themes. Also threatened char. Death and utter and complete angst.
Warning: angst of a very high degree…
Disclaimer: nope, just ask that guy. /points at some guy/ I don't own them.
Rant: okay, I wrote this because I had a serious experience recently that kind of fucked me up. Enjoy my mental torment. It produces such lovely angst… no, really, I don't normally write this stuff…
--
He didn't know what was up and what was down anymore. It just felt all kinds of fucked up.
What was he supposed to do in a situation like this? Sit beside him until it felt like he wasn't going to just kill himself anymore?
Fuck, this was not what he needed.
Keigo ran a hand back through his hair and climbed out of bed where Mizuiro was laying; curled on his side, face still wet from where tears had been on his face just an hour before. He'd fallen asleep from pure exhaustion just a second ago and Keigo was finally able to relax just a bit.
Finding your best friend with a razor to their wrist made a guy a little tense.
The fevered actions that followed still hadn't completely settled in Keigo's mind, and he honestly didn't know what to do. Should he leave now? Wait until Mizu woke up to tell him that he didn't love him and that Ishida was still waiting and…
Oh fuck…
Keigo dug around in his bag, grabbing the stale pack of cigarettes he'd kept there since he resolved to stop smoking and walking outside. He left the rest of his stuff there and sat out on the front step if Mizuiro's house. It was technically his family's house but his parents were never home so it didn't really matter. All Keigo was wearing was a T-shirt and a pair of loose sweatpants, and he was freezing his ass off out here, but he needed to be outside, out of that tiny room with far too much happening inside it.
"fuck." he hissed and hung his head in his hands, just holding one stale, unlit cigarette in his fingers, teeth gritting tightly as he tried to sort out what exactly had happened here. Mizuiro, that he remembered, Mizu had been sitting in the kitchen, razor pressed to his wrist and his hard heady sobs echoing through the house when he got there, and shit, he'd just barely stopped him, just managed to catch his wrist before he made that fatal cut down his arm. Then Mizu had collapsed on him, crying and saying…
Shit, shit, shit….
Mizuiro loved him, wanted him, and couldn't live knowing that Keigo was happy with Ishida. Couldn't live without him. So he'd tried to tell him that they were still friends, that Mizu was always the first one in his heart, that they'd known each other forever but god, of course, that just wasn't enough.
Keigo just never gave enough.
Keigo's shoulders shook as he replayed it in his mind, trying to figure out just when he decided any of this was a good idea and fuck, if Ishida was still waiting for him, still at that stupid little restaurant he'd said he'd meet him at…
Shit!
Keigo gave him what he wanted, gave Mizuiro everything he asked for and more, because as much as he didn't feel it, as much as he was a thousand miles away, thinking about soft, lithe fingers and hard, compact muscle, he cared about his friend and that he wasn't hurting as much as he was.
Mizu didn't stop crying the whole time, tears still fresh on his face despite the pleasure that coursed through him, and Keigo couldn't find it in him to deny him, to tell him the truth.
"Fuck!" Keigo growled and gripped hands in his hair, eyes gritting closed as he teared up himself, feeling used and uncomfortable but knowing that it didn't end there, that Mizu expected something after this, that if he told him the truth he'd self-destruct and just…
"Fuck…" Keigo shuddered and crushed the stale smoke in his hand, chucking it across the sidewalk into the street before he froze and met clear blue eyes.
"Keigo!" Ishida yelled and stormed over to him, Keigo feeling dread and a sick sense of happiness fill him. Ishida pulled back and hit him the second he saw him. "You lying, cheating asshole! I fucking knew you'd end up dicking around on me and--"
"Ishida…" Keigo said softly meeting his eyes from his place at the foot of the stairs, where he'd fallen after Ishida hit him. He took hits better than he used to but Ishida wasn't exactly weak. Ishida's chest was heaving, his eyes filling with tears and Keigo staggered to his feet.
"You said it. You can't just… not after you say it." Ishida choked out, closing him mouth after and keeping his expression shaky but as solid and unreadable as possible. Keigo didn't know what to say.
He just didn't know.
"Ishida, it's not like that." he said softly and Ishida drew a shaky, strained breath and chuckled harshly.
"Oh really? And how much more cliché can you get?" Ishida pat and Keigo took it, he deserved it, he'd done it after all, he could have just assured Mizu that he cared, could have just…
No, no it was the only way.
"He was going to kill himself." Keigo said softly, unable to meet Ishida's eyes. The Quincy grabbed his shoulders and pulled him around.
"What?" he asked, voice sharp and Keigo swallowed.
"Mizuiro's my best friend Ishida, I couldn't just…" he started and Ishida's expression softened.
"Is he okay?" he asked and Keigo sniffled.
"Yeah but I… fuck…" he hissed and nearly dove into Ishida's arms. He held onto him, so tight, feeling his heart break in his chest knowing that concern was going to turn to hate again any second but he had to tell him, Mizu was too volatile now to not.
"Is anyone hurt?" Ishida asked softly, Keigo's hands gripping in his shirt
"Not on the outside." he whispered and held on to him. "it's my fault."
"no, Kei, it's not, you can't blame--" Ishida said softly and Keigo felt a sob tear from his chest.
"He loves me, he said it… me and you was too much… I almost fucking killed my friend Ishida." Keigo said weakly, trying so hard to see if Ishida would understand that he had to do it, that he didn't have a choice.
"Kei, no, it's not--" Ishida tried to reassure him and Keigo pulled away from him.
"I fucked him Ishi, I couldn't say no to him like that, I just… I gave in." he breathed, meeting Ishida's eyes, the Quincy's eyes sharp and analytical. It was quiet between them and Keigo gripped onto his hand. "I can't… I'm sorry."
"You have to stay with him?" Ishida asked softly after a moment and Keigo felt his chest get tighter. He was going to just leave; he wasn't going to fight for him or anything.
"I love you Ishida." Keigo breathed and Ishida's eyes met his, a deep, dark hurt in them, and Keigo grit his teeth. That hurt, that look hurt.
"You're staying with him?" Ishida demanded and Keigo nodded once, unable to continue after, and opened his mouth.
"yes." he said, it coming out somewhat coarse and close to a croak.
"Right. Fine. I understand." Ishida said stonily and looked away. "I hope he's happy."
"Ishi…" Keigo stated softly, hand still tight on his hand, keeping him from walking away, and he turned back to him, Keigo pulling him into an achingly warm kiss. Ishida pulled away quickly though, ending it before either of them could get caught up in it. Keigo stepped back up the stairs and swallowed thickly as Ishida disappeared quickly in a burst of air, shuffling off into the night sky, and Keigo turned away and stepped back into that oppressive house where he collapsed, crying, on the floor against the door.
--
Ichigo frowned when he opened his window and Ishida crawled in.
"I… I don't want to go home, can I stay here for the night?" he said softly, as if not quite trusting his voice, and Ichigo frowned at him.
"What happened?" he asked and Ishida took a deep, shaky breath and kneaded at his eyes a little.
"I'll… I don't want to talk about it right now." he said deliberately and Ichigo nodded, leaning back on his bed.
"fine, lay down." he patted the bed and Ishida smiled a little before falling onto the comfortor he'd made Ichigo for Christmas and cried, Ichigo patting his back until eventually harsh sobbing weaned off to soft shaking and eventually the strongest human Ichigo knew cried himself to sleep.
And Ichigo was certain he was going to have to kick Keigo's ass next time he saw him.
--
Everyone had taken sides on the issue and that was ruining some long standing things.
Keigo didn't smile anymore, Ishida spent most of his time with Ichigo and Chad and even Tatsuki and Orihime had taken up with Uryuu, and hell, Keigo had even taken his side.
He didn't want this, he wanted harshly possessive, passionate kisses on the roof, he wanted lazy mornings waking up beside pale, beautiful skin covering hard, unmoving muscle. He wanted jumping out of his skin when Ishida out of nowhere kissed the back of his neck, and he wanted soft, stuttering 'I love you's with beautifully blushing cheeks and warm mittens wrapped around his neck.
He wanted Ishida, but he didn't have the heart to break Mizuiro's.
Ichigo had kicked his ass and he hadn't even tried to explain himself, had just kept quiet when Ichigo screamed at him and asked him why, how, what could have possessed him to break Ishida's heart so wholly and Keigo still didn't have an answer. He let Ichigo beat him bloody and then Mizuiro patched him up, saying how he shouldn't worry him and that he was being an idiot, getting hurt like that, while Keigo had simply sat there, not smiling or joking, or anything, just wincing at the right places and feeling utterly empty inside.
Mizuiro eventually seemed to catch on though, and accused him more than once of not loving him, to which Keigo could only eventually convince him otherwise with utterly unfulfilling sex on his side. It convinced Mizu, but only for a while.
It didn't take long for Mizu tio eventually just sort of fade back into being his friend, they didn't kiss or touch even, and they only had sex when Mizu felt he deserved it, when he figured they should keep up the charade of dating, and Keigo was utterly miserable.
Keigo found out that Ishida and Ichigo were dating not long after and found out first hand exactly how bad he'd made Ishida feel and he wished that Ishida had hit him harder, that Ichigo had, because anything to distract him from the pain deep in his chest he got whenever he saw Ishida with Ichigo would have helped. If he could have hated them he supposed it would have been better but he couldn't find any blame but with himself.
Keigo started running, anything to get out of that horrible house (Mizu had him move in not too long after, if it was a lack of trust or what he didn't know), and feel his muscles burn under the strain, anything to throw himself into entirely, any mindless activity was helping.
He wasn't happy, he wasn't normal; he just wanted what he didn't have the courage to reach out and take back, so he didn't. He just couldn't.
When he came back one day to find Mizuiro with some girl, he couldn't have been happier. Mizu had apologized, had insisted they talk it over, and Keigo then had enough to break his heart, he had just enough malice in him to hurt his best friend, just a little.
"This was over long before her." he said and grabbed his bag, stuffed with just his essentials, and left.
And he smiled.
--
Ishida answered his door and scowled, looking away.
"Why are you here?" he asked, arms crossing, and Keigo swallowed.
"Mizuiro was um, cheating on me. We broke up." he said, unable to raise his voice above a mutter. This was the first time he'd talked to him since they'd separated, he hadn't trusted himself to not…
Shit he didn't even know what he trusted himself with.
"So?" Ishida stated, voice cold and Keigo inwardly winced.
"Is there um… any chance you can let me stay here?" he said softly and Ishida glared at him.
"Doesn't your sister live around here?" he asked and Keigo swallowed.
"She um, moved back to Okinawa." Keigo answered and looked away. "And everyone else hates me… shit, you hate me. Maybe I should just get a hotel room or--"
"Get in here." Ishida scowled and pushed the door opened a little more. Keigo smiled weakly and stepped inside, feeling oddly sick to his stomach as he set his things down on the couch. He turned around and Ishida was standing just a few feet from him.
"Can I ask you something?" Ishida asked and Keigo knew what he was going to say. The same as he knew Ishida was going to hit him.
"Yeah?" he said softly and Ishida nodded.
"Why? Why tell me you love me then go to Mizuiro? It doesn't--" Ishida started, eyes averted, and Keigo exhaled sharply.
"Is that what you think happened?" he asked softly and Ishida looked back to him.
"I don't know what to think." he said, anger and hurt hard in his eyes.
"I do love you, I never stopped, I only… I only chose Mizuiro because he was… you were stronger than him, if I broke your heart you'd survive, you'd eventually be okay, he… he was going to kill himself, how was I supposed to choose?" Keigo asked, his chest heaving and Ishida looked away.
"So you chose him, because I was stronger?" he asked softly and Keigo took a step towards him.
"It doesn't justify me or anything I've done, but I do love you, I've been miserable without you, I hate myself more than any human can possibly hate themelves." Keigo said softly and swallowed. "I've felt used and degraded and despite all that he was my friend, I couldn't abandon him. I'm a coward, I'm lower tha--"
Keigo was jerked forward and Ishida kissed him harshly and Keigo found himself not even thinking, just pulling Ishida close to him, and savoring his kiss and the press of hard muscles and warmth against him. Ishida pushed him down, onto the couch, hands clawing desperately at his shirt.
"You unbelievable asshole." he panted and Keigo hugged him tightly.
"I deserve that." he admitted but buried his face in Ishida's hair, that familiar scent swarming his senses. "But I can't bring myself to care what you call me."
"Whore." Ishida spat and Keigo grit his eyes shut, just enjoying the feeling of Ishida in his arms. Then a thought hit him.
"What about Ichigo?" he asked softly and Ishida looked back up at him, eyes wide.
"What about him?" he asked, voice near a growl, and Keigo couldn't help but move his hips up into him a little at the sound.
"You're not dating?" he asked softly, feeling infinitely better knowing he was here, with Ishida, and he wasn't responsible for anyone else now. Ishida's head bowed and he softly kissed Keigo's collarbone, hands fisted tight in his shirt still.
"He… he knows I never got over you." Ishida said softly and Keigo felt a thrill go through him.
"I love you Ishi." Keigo said softly, meeting Ishida's lips again before dragging them down his neck, the Archer (his archer…) groaning.
"Kei…" he moaned softly, hands gripping in Keigo's hair, and the bedroom door crashed open, Keigo jumping nearly a foot.
"Alright, I'm out of here!" Ichigo stated, stomping from the bedroom, eyes covered, quickly out the front door and Keigo blinked at the door shaking in the doorframe after he left. Keigo glared over at Ishida.
"You could have told me he was in there." he grumbled and Ishida pulled him into an apologetic kiss.
"Sorry." Ishida mumbled against his lips and Keigo found he honestly didn't care; he just wanted Ishida to be utterly his.
His feelings were returned, times ten.
Ishida always did have a bit of an overachieving streak.
End.
Okay, before anyone imagines that my life is glamorous or anything, this is only like 1/18th of what my issue was. In all honesty, this was a single fragment of what my problem was and I really just needed to make someone feel bad right now. Not healthy, no, but hell, it happens.
My issue was somewhat unrelated (but obviously aligned with Kei's problem, otherwise I wouldn't have wrote this) to the overall content of this. As in, there wasn't a real risk of suicide, but there was a scenario of being used for reasons I couldn't refuse.
And, turned out he's straight anyhow. Couldn't keep that quiet, sorry.
And yeah, real life gets no sappy happy endings…
If anyone wants anymore to this fic, they can suck it. No sequel, but I do have a boatload of IshiXKei fic, one of which is a bit angsty and another of witch is just damn awkward, lol. The others are just fluffy I believe…