Title: To All Things…

Author: Spike Speigel

Rating: PG-13

Classification: Grissom/Sara

Disclaimer: As usual, these characters don't belong to me. Just taking them for a joyride.

Spoilers: Nothing substantial.

Summary: Sara recounts her life.

Status: Finished. Written for the 2005 Geekfiction Ficathon for misscam, but everyone's welcome to read it. Also, much thanks to Anais for her beta work as well as keeping the secret.

I have a first memory. Pretty much like everyone else, I guess. The only problem is…I'm not sure if mine is actually real. It's of my mom. She's smiling down at me, tickling my chin as my small hands try to reach at her finger from my crib, wanting to grasp it desperately. Whether it's because I want some connection between my mother and myself or whether it's simply the fact I want to grab it because it's there, I'm not entirely sure.

But, the thing is, is that the way she really was? After all, this was the same woman that killed my father out of self-preservation. Don't get me wrong. I'm not defending her. There were other ways she could have dealt with the situation. She could have just left him. She could have called the police. She could have done a lot of things. But, I think, in the end, my mother couldn't leave him because he was all she ever knew. He was her world.

And then one day, her world ended. So, the question I keep asking myself is, was she really smiling down at me, or do I want her to so much that I've made it up so I could have something to cling to? Just like her finger?

In any case, I wish I had her there when I first met Gil. I like to think she would have liked him. Because God knows my father wouldn't have. He always pictured me with someone similar to him. A good ol' boy with an arm like Johnny Unitas and the physique of Lee Majors back during his days when he was dating the Bionic Woman. He probably would have had a stroke if he ever laid eyes on Gil. His little girl falling for someone the antithesis of everything he held dear.

Make no mistake; even though Gil didn't recognize it at the time, I adored him instantly. Not surprisingly. I was so hungry for love. Chalk it up to my battered childhood, but the moment I first saw Gil giving his speech to my class, I knew that was it. This was the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. And, in time, I'd learn that he also adored me instantly. Yes, that's Gil Grissom. He may be slow when it comes to matters of the heart, but damn if he doesn't finish the race.

It was many years later that I finally found out about Gil's true intentions. It was after our brief encounter in San Francisco. It was even after our reunion in Las Vegas. In fact, had it not been for a bullet meant for him, I highly doubt that he would have ever told me how he truly felt about me, even though I'd known ever since his forthrightness during the Lurie case.

I wanted to yell at him for giving up on us. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs that he didn't have to be afraid. I wanted him. He's the only man I've ever wanted. Even when I was with Hank, I still wanted Gil. So, of course I thought I was dreaming when I first saw him kneeling at the side of the hospital bed, tears streaked across his cheeks.

He undoubtedly blamed himself for my injury, even though there was nothing to blame. Had I not taken that bullet instead of him, there's no doubt in my mind that he wouldn't be here today. But, for a second, as I felt metal rend flesh and bone, my eyes fell upon his, and I thought to myself this was it. This would be the last time I'd ever see him and I wouldn't even get the chance to say goodbye to him.

So I was truly surprised to see Gil the next time my eyes opened. And, in that moment, seeing him clutching the sheet as his rested next to my hand, I knew that I was given a second chance by God or whatever higher power was overseeing our existence on this blue marble. I had been given a second chance. And I wasn't going to waste it like I did the first time. I was going to finally say the words I always wanted to say but was too terrified to. Even if it meant losing him as a friend, I was going to tell him.

Unfortunately, I never got the chance. It's a moment I'll never forget as long as I live. I hadn't realized I was stroking his hair until Gil moved beneath my touch, his eyes slowly opening, his gaze falling onto mine. It felt as though an eternity passed in that moment as we just stared at each other, so many words needed to be spoken, both knowing that words were ultimately our undoing. So, we just looked at each other, our eyes saying what our mouths couldn't ever since we first met.

Then, our mouths finally did. Not with words. But instead, with a lingering kiss. I remember flinching ever so slightly as Gil rose up to his feet, leaning over me. I remember my breath catching in my throat. I remember a sound akin to a hushed squeak escaping my lips. Then I remember Gil's lips on my own. No words. Just understanding.

From that moment, we grasped onto each other. It didn't matter that our professional lives had just become infinitely complicated. All that mattered was that our personal lives were finally intertwined.

"I need more pressure here. Get that clamp on. Now!"

"Yes, Doctor."

"How's the head?"

"I'm having trouble moving it. It's tangled in the cord."

"Doctor, she's bleeding again."

"Clamp it, damn it! And someone get that cord untangled!"

I'll never forget our honeymoon. It was aboard a lovely cruiseliner. How I ever talked Gil into having our honeymoon on a cruiseliner, I'll never know. Still, I always cherished the fact that he'd do something like that for me, even though he was, in the larger scheme of things, a mundane person. He had once half-jokingly told me it didn't matter where we had our honeymoon. As long as we were together, that was enough for him. But, he knew I had my heart set on visiting Norway, so his heart was set on Norway as well. As long as we were together, nothing else mattered.

I remember the ship going into a fjord near Harstad because Gil and I were on the observation deck, when a portion of the rock face crumbled off, its mass splashing into the Norwegian Sea with a resounding clap. And I just stared and marveled at the sheer scope of what had just occurred. We think we're pivotal in the overall picture, but we're just travelers on this land, trying to live as much as possible before it's time to step back for the next generation of travelers.

My observation seemed even more fitting when I looked down to see an elderly couple, sitting and relaxing. I smiled down toward them before looking back to Gil, and although he was silent, there were tears rolling down his face. I said, "Gil, what's wrong?" And he said, "I'm so happy right now…and looking at that couple below us, I see what we might have together…and I'm terrified that someone's going to take it all away."

And in that one moment, it was as if he hadn't fully trusted me until right then. Because I wasn't appalled by the sight of his weakness. As much as Gil always maintained an air of confidence, there was always an inkling that he was somehow damaged. I never pushed him on the subject, hoping he'd tell me when he was ready. But, in that instant, I realized that it wasn't his past that made him so guarded. Instead, it was Gil himself, judging himself very, very harshly.

I smiled gently at him, trying to assuage his fears as best I could. "Du er min sol, måne og stjerner." I remember Gil returning my smile, a hint of confusion on his face as he spoke. "What does that mean?" And, without hesitation, I answered truthfully, "You are my sun, moon and stars."

And just like that, Gil took me into his arms as we continued to look out onto the moonlit sea. It was a simple gesture on his part, but for some reason, I knew that we were going to be okay.

"Still nothing."

"No pulse. Let's go again."

"Clear."

"Still nothing."

"Doctor. Brain functions have ceased."

"Flatline. Nothing. It's been ten minutes."

"No rhythm."

"All right…all right. We did everything we could. I'm calling it. Time of death…August 20, 2:36 A. M."

After Gil and I lost the baby, I started to write this book. Wait, that's not entirely true. I cried for a week, cursing the heavens for taking away the miracle that Gil and I had created in a moment of love. In a moment of passion. And just like that, it was taken away.

I know Gil was devastated by the loss. I could see it in his eyes whenever he'd try to comfort me. He knew I needed him in that moment of loss, but just looking at him, I could tell that he was sad that he'd never get to meet his little girl.

So, I started writing this book, as a way to remember her. To remember all the moments that led up to her being conceived. To remember the pain of losing her. To remember her. Most of all, to remember how much I wanted to be a mother. My only pregnancy ended in miscarriage, and to this day, I still feel the loss.

There were times I'd just sit there during the long evenings, put my hand on my stomach, and try to imagine what it'd be like to feel it swelling. Or, I'd imagine bouncing my little girl on my knee…there was no doubt in my mind that our first child would be a girl. Always a daughter. How egocentric.

My life with Gil was…is…so very transient. There was no constant except for change. So, it would be wonderful to have a child, a product of the both of us that would be forever. Or, at least as forever as we mere mortals can be.

And I miss what I didn't have with my mother. It's left a void in my life that I would love to fill. I bet Gil and I would be wonderful parents, because if God did see fit to give us a living, breathing miracle, we'd appreciate everything we went through to have it in our lives.

A good wife, a good woman, a good mommy. It's not chic to say that these are the most important things to me at this point in my life. In many ways, I'm old fashioned, like a relic from the 1960's.

And when I'm not dreaming of a life with Gil, or our baby, I do dream of my mom. I had one the other night, in fact. And it was strange…like a dream of the future.

"Dr. Grissom?"

"Yes. How are they, Doctor?"

"The baby's fine."

"Oh, thank God. And my wife?"

"We did everything we could, but…"

"Wait. What are you trying to say?"

"There was too much internal bleeding. In the end, she just lost too much blood. There was nothing we could do. I'm sorry."

"No. No, you're wrong. This can't be…this can't be…oh God. Sara."

In the dream, I'm with my mom. I'm holding the baby who died. And Mom and I are talking about adventures. The extraordinary adventures I've had. The mundane ones I haven't had yet. And in the dream, I think I hear my name being called. But it's just the wind carrying it away.

People who have ordinary lives, they dream of what it would be like to be extraordinary. But for someone like me, I do just the opposite. I envy those who have simplicity of existence. Who know the small joys: A mother who loved them, a father who stayed with them, and a child to see you as their entire world.

And I think the dream means that my life will continue until I have all the things I truly want. That I have to just keep on a steady course and I'll have it all. That perhaps, just perhaps, the rest of my life will be a calm sea with smooth sailing. Just like that night on the Norwegian Sea with Gil. I would like that. I would like that a great deal.

"Wow, I can't wait to tell Sara how much I love her book."

"What's that, Cath?"

"Oh, sorry, Warrick. I didn't mean to wake you, honey."

"It's okay. I wasn't really sleeping anyway. So, that's Sara's book?"

"Yeah. You have to read this."

"That good, huh?"

"You have no idea. What a life she's had so far. She's the luckiest woman in the world."

"Luckiest?"

"You know what I mean."

"Do I?"

"Oh, you're incorrigible. But, wow. I had no idea Sara had gone through so much. She and Gil are going to have a great future together. I can just feel it."

"Dr. Grissom. Your son's ready if you want to see him."

"Um, sure. Sure. Do I just go down to the nursery?"

"No, in fact, he's right here. I thought you might want to feed him."

"Oh. I don't know. I've never done this before."

"It's all right. Just…cradle his body in your arm and keep his neck…propped up."

"Like…like this?"

"Perfect. Now…let me just get the formula. There."

"Do I…"

"Just put the tip to his mouth. He'll do the rest. See?"

"Oh. There you go. Hungry, aren't you?"

"If you need anything else, I'll be right down the hall."

"Okay. Thanks. So, guess it's just you and me, huh? Shh…shh. That's a good boy. Hi there. I'm your dad. Yeah, that's right. Now, while you finish your supper, I'm going to tell you about your mother."

Fin