Merci: If you don't already know, we don't own Matrix. At all. In fact, we don't even own the clothes on our backs. And as such, we must write a disclaimer.
Disclaimer: We don't own The Matrix OR the clothes on our backs.
----
Thomas Anderson, or Neo, was sitting in front of his computer like a bum when he noticed that his computer was overrun by some asshole.
"Who the hell are you? And what the hell are you doing in my computer!"
"I am Morpheusnik, and you are the fine young schlaka one, so follow the white arnav…"
"What in the hell is an arnav?"
"Is this not the Jewish version?"
"No, this is not the Jewish version."
"Well, you'll have to do, you not-fine young schlaka one. Follow the white giraffe."
"I thought it was a rabbit."
"I thought you didn't know what arnav meant."
"I DON'T KNOW WHAT AN ARNAV IS, BASTARD!"
"…Did you just insult a rabbi?"
"No sir."
"Good.
theMATRIXhasYOU
As Neo continued to rot in front of the computer, there was a knock on his door. "IF IT'S THE FEDS, I'M NOT HOME!"
"Oh. Too bad, we'll have to come back when he is home, or storm his workplace." The feds said, ignorantly.
"Of course, sir!"
IS IT THE FEDS AGAIN?" He asked.
"Nah, man! This is a few anonymous people who are absolutely not important to this story, or so you think! And of course, our oddly white giraffe."
"Oh, then that's ok." Neo said as he unglued himself from the computer and slowly walked to the door.
"Here's the program you wanted." They said.
"I didn't want a…" Neo was interrupted by the hooves of a white giraffe running away.
Narrator: Erm, are you forgetting something?
"Wait a second, that narrator just reminded me. I need to pick up my clothes from the dry cleaner!"
Narrator: Oh my god, you're an idiot!
"Excuse me?"
Neo looked around.
Narrator: It's the WHITE GIRAFFE that you're supposed to follow, dumbass! Holy shit, Neo is a dumbass!
Other Narrator: Who let him out of the third grade!
Narrator: So you're the narrator of the narrator?
Other Narrator: That's right.
Narrator: This is getting a little convoluted
Other Narrator: Silence, you! I am now Narrator 1 and you're Narrator 2.
Narrator 2: But I wanna be Narrator 1!
Narrator 1: That's too bad. Anyway—
Narrator 2: You're changing the format!
Narrator 1: Shut up and let me finish a senten—
Narrator 2: Upupupup!
Narrator 1: shoves Narrator 2's sock in his mouth Anyway, to make this easier on—
Narrator 2: Mumbles through the sock
Narrator 1: If you don't stop—
Narrator 2: BUZZZZZZ…
Narrator 1: gives Narrator 2 a big wet kiss on the forehead
Narrator 2: Ugh…shutting up now.
Neo: Um…back to me!
Narrator 1: As—
Narrator 2: forces a loud cough that drowns off the now pissed off Narrator 1
Narrator 1: slits Narrator 2's throat Now as I was say—
Narrator 2: comes back as a zombie Unnnnnnnnnnnnnngh!
Narrator 2's muse: Unngh!
Narrator 1: ARGHNESS! Neo! Follow that chick on the motorcycle!
Neo: But—
Narrator 1: turns big and evil and scary FOLLOW!
Neo: chases after the motorcycle
Narrator 2: So anyway, Narrator 1, were you saying something? Did I interrupt? looks innocent
Narrator 1: AUUUUUUGH!
TAKEtheREDpill
Here we find Neo standing around in a nightclub, suffering from computer withdrawal until a girl clad in pleather starts whispering in his ear.
"I know what you did last summer!"
"HUH?" Neo stared at her. "Wrong movie."
"Oh. Well then." She leaned back coolly. "What movie is this?"
"The Matrix…"
"Oh, well then. I know why you mastur—"
"WHOA, that's the phone booth, and I don't always do that…"
"Um…I meant sleep…"
Narrator 1: Hm…masturbate to sleep…just a slip of the tongue, really.
Narrator 2: With Neo, of course.
"Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight…" Neo said, nodding sagely. "It's because you're searching for something, right?"
"Yeah! I searched all of the dark alleyways, just like in the movies. But I can't find anyone who will sell it!"
"I didn't mean crack!" She said with an impatient sigh.
"Look, Morpheus wants you to get your lame ass out of the Matrix."
"Morpheus wants me?"
"No, your mama does!" Neo stared at the woman until she blushed, realizing what she had said. "I mean…yes. We need you."
"I need you." Neo said, leaning close to her.
"Huh? Wrong Matrix movie, dumbass!"
"Oh. Sorry." Neo said, leaning back against the wall.
"Morpheus will call you tomorrow."
"Right, right…" Neo nodded. "So…wanna come back to my place for some horizontal pong?" The lady smacked him across his face hard enough to leave a handprint on his future children's faces.
"GET AWAY FROM ME YOU LOSER!" And with that said, she ran off. Neo stood there, touching the place that she had slapped.
"Oh yeah…she digs me."
ORtheBLUEpill
"I'm working, I'm working, lalalalala!" Neo said as he was "working". One of his co-workers peeked over the top of his cubicle—
(Narrator 2: Hehehe! He's a cubicle worker! )
Anyway, one of his co-workers peeked over the top of his cubicle and looked at what Neo had been working on for the past three and a half hours. An army of badly drawn stick figures were dancing around on his page. The co-worker shook his head sadly.
"Hey…" Neo looked up, noticing the man. "I haven't seen you before. What do you do around here?"
"Me?" The guy said, looking surprised. "I just wander from room to room. Well, break's over. Back to work." And the co-worker went back to wandering aimlessly. Neo blinked, shrugged, and went back to doodling his stick figure army.
Suddenly, the phone rang. Neo tried to ignore it and continued drawing. The answering machine finally picked up.
"Hi, this is Thomas Anderson or Neo. If this is my parents, I need money. If this is my friends, you owe me money. If this that hot chick in pleather that I met yesterday, I have plenty of money. If this is the Feds, I'm not home. Leave a message after the tone." BEEP
"Hi, this is the Feds. How are you doing? I haven't talked to you in awhile. Anyway…we're gonna storm your workplace, in case you want to be prepared. I'll bring Jell-o! See you then! Bye!" CLICK
Neo stared at the machine and decided to check the rest of his messages. He pressed the shiny, red button.
BEEP
Message 1— "Hi, this is the freaky albino guy. I'm on the millionaire show, and Regis wanted me to call someone. Guess you aren't there. Too bad!" BEEPBEEP
Hi, this is Morpheus. I'm just reminding you that I'm going to call in a few minutes. Ok…um…bye!" BEEP"End of messages."
Neo stared suspiciously at the message machine. He shrugged and went back to drawing his stick figures. Suddenly, Neo's gray cell phone rang.
Narrator 2: I wanted it to be the blue one…
Narrator 1: Well, it's the gray one.
neoISaDUMBASS
Neo answered his cell phone.
"Hello?"
"Hello, Neo."
"Hi…" Neo looked confuzzled. "Who the hell are you?"
"This is Morpheus."
"Who the hell is Morpheus?"
"I'm the guy who left a message earlier, remember?"
"…Is this the Feds?" Neo took on a scolding tone. "I thought I told you, that trick isn't going to work on me again!"
"…Umm…no, this is Morpheus…"
"O…k…"
"Anyway, peek over your (hee hee) cubicle!" Neo peeked over his (hee hee) cubicle and saw a small group of feds who turned and faced him in sync. "GET DOWN!" Morpheus yelled.
Ducks and smiles stupidly "So anyway, what'd ya call for? Wanna come over for dinner or somethin?"
"NO, I'M GONNA GET YOU OUTTA THERE, DUMBASS!"
"Oh…"
"So they're gonna look for you in your (hee hee) cubicle so go in the niftily empty cubicle across the hall."
"Aww shit! And anyway, where are you?"
"Let's not talk about that. But go."
Narrator 1: Dammit! You're changing the format to Chatroom! . smacks forehead O.o;; now you've got me doing it too… I'll type for now. mutters something about never letting boy narrators do what girl narrators can do better
Narrator 1's Muse: When muttering, you're not supposed to let the audience hear you.
Narrator 1: MEH!
Suddenly, the Feds arrived. "HI!" The captain said cheerfully. "We brought Jell-o!" Neo sat up, drooling.
"MMM! JELL-O!"
"No! Neo! Don't do it!" Morpheus begged over the cell phone.
"But…jell-o…" Neo reasoned, almost whimpering as his half-crazed co-workers attacked the jell-o plate.
"NO JELL-O! FOCUS, GODDAMNIT!" The pleather-wearing chick screeched from the background. Following her instructions, Neo leaps across the hall like a retarded rabbit, smacking right into the next cubicle wall. BANG. He luckily avoided the sight of the…
Narrator 2: What're we gonna call the dude whose back was turned?
Narrator 1: Um...a Smith?
Narrator 2: No…it was a lowly police officer.
Narrator 1: Problem solved.
He luckily avoided the sight of the lowly police officer who had his back turned like a
/00b.
Narrator 1: Good use of 33tsp3/-\ .
Narrator 2: t- /-\ y0u. Now keep going!
"Now, duck down and run to that empty office at the end of the hall when I tell you…NOW!" Morpheus ordered.
"Now?"
"No. Five years from now." Morpheus said as Neo blinked stupidly. "GO!" said Morpheus, feeling annoyed. Neo ducked and ran to the end of the office, right after stealing his co-worker's plate of half eaten jell-o.
"Ok, I'm there!" Neo mumbled through a mouthful of Jell-o.
"Uh…I know. Now look in the camera, and bend over, and start spanking yourse—OW!"
"STOP BEING DIRTY!" The chick in pleather screeched, smacking Morpheus on the back of his head. "GIMMIE THE PHONE!"
"Yes, ma'am." Morpheus said, relinquishing the phone.
"Ok, Neo…"
"Hey, sexy, what's your name?" Neo interrupted. The chick in pleather reached through the phone, and slapped Neo.
"Ooh, when I see you, your ass is mine, bastard!"
"But, Trinity…" Morpheus whined in the background. There were girlish screams and loud smacking noises. "OK! OK! No need to be so violent!"
"Now. Neo. Climb out that window." The pleather-wearing chick, now supposedly named Trinity, said calmly after making a man nearly twice her size huddle in the corner, whimpering.
"You've got to be kidding me." Neo replied in disbelief.
"Would you like to go back to those agents and get gang-raped?"
"Hoo-hoo!" Neo replied with the voice of the Pillsbury® doughboy. He could almost hear Trinity shudder on the other end of the phone.
"Just go to the window and jump to the scaffold." And she hung up the phone.
"Okay. Easy enough. Jump out to a scaffold, and meet a hot, pleather wearing chick." Neo kept repeating this to himself as he climbed out the window and across the wall.
Narrator 1: Yes, it sounds like a Spiderman thing, but I couldn't think of anything else!
Trinity waited at the bottom of the cubicle building. A building made entirely of cubicles, cubicle worker heaven. So, of course, she saw the agents drag Neo out into the black car as he howled.
"NOOOOOOOOOO! But the pleather chick! What happened to meeting the pleather chick!"
She growled angrily. "That pussy…" She revved her motorcycle and drove off.
NOmatrixIMnotINtheMOOD
"Mr. Anderson…" Agent smith said monotonously, "You have quite an interesting record, peeing in mailboxes, stealing more than one penny from the take-a-penny tray, walking on grass when there is a clearly marked sign saying not to walk on the grass! You, sir has been a very bad boy, but it will stop. It will stop soon. Am I monologuing?"
"Yes." Neo replied simply.
"Sorry. Anyway, the point is, you're a hacker, so we were going to offer for you to work with us, then you were going to refuse, then we were going to seal your lips shut, and while you were trying to scream and resist, so, we're going to skip ahead and put a freaky little worm thing into your belly button."
"O.k., but make it quick, 'cuz I want to catch up with that pleather chick."
"Fine." Mr. Smith says, rolling his eyes
theRAINisSOwet
Later that night, Neo is found wandering aimlessly through the rain. Upon walking under a bridge, a car pulls up next to him.
"Get in!" One of the chicks in the car tells Neo.
"Ohh, a little feisty, are we?"
"I'm lesbian."
"Even better."
"Just get in."
"O.K.!"
"Take off your shirt." The pleather-wearing chick said.
"Ooh, I'm liking this!" Neo replied, taking off his shirt.
"What happened with you and Smith?" The lesbian asked.
"Well, we had a nice talk about how bad I've been lately…then…um…we…uh had a nice dinner?"
"Hmmm…they altered his memory!" said the pleather chick, pulling a large plunger out of the front seat.
"What's that for?" Neo asked, while getting his belly button plunged.
A sudden "schlurp" noise was heard when pleather chick said, "Get the plastic baggie!"
"Hoo hoo!" Neo shouted, with an uncanny likeness to the Pillsbury doughboy. The guy with the ponytail pulled out a plastic baggie. Trinity shook the thing in the plunger out into the baggie and the man sealed it and threw it out the window.
"We're here," the pleather chick announced, "get out."
"Ooh, is it your apartment?" Neo asked hopefully.
"N….yes, it's my apartment." She replied cleverly.
THEmirrorFEELSfunny
Upon arriving to the apparent destination of Neo and his group, Neo announced, "Hey, what're all of these people doing here, I'm not really into the whole spectator thing, but I'm willing to try something new."
"I am Morpheus." A small, white man said.
"What happened to Lawrence Fishbourne?"
"He got caught taking the blue pill. Speaking of which, take this red pill."
"Finally!" Neo exclaimed, gobbling it down and waiting for the effects of crack.
"Sit on this chair, and get comfortable." The pleather-wearing chick said, being sexy. "You know what, call me Trinity." She said to…me Oo.
Narrator 2: Fine, Trinity said, being sexy.
"Ooh, some type of high-tech sex toy?" Neo said as the blonde lesbian lady strapped him into the chair.
"Yes," Trinity said reluctantly through gritted teeth. "yes it is."
"Plug him in." said the small, white Morpheus. He blinked as Neo started laughing like Beavis.
"What?"
"Heh heh heh…plug." Neo said. Morpheus sighed and plugged the plug into the back of his head. "OWCHIE!"
"WAIT!" Trinity cried. "He's supposed to touch the mirror first." She demanded, pulling the needle back out of his head.
"No, the needle goes in!" Morpheus argued, plugging Neo back in. (Double owchie!)
"Nuh UH! He touches the mirror and we plug him in!" Trinity growled, unplugging him.
"No, he never gets plugged in." The blonde lesbian said, siding with Trinity.
"Nooooooo, he gets plugged in!" The ponytail man said, plugging Neo back in. (Owchie again!)
"Plugged in!"
"Mirror!"
"PLUG!"
"MIRROR!"
"PLUG!"
Narrator 1: This went on for about five minutes, so we'll spare the audience the details and skip five minutes AND the horrible gory fight that commenced.
Narrator 2: Ehhh…what gory fight?
Narrator 1: gives Narrator 2 a peek at the horrible gory fight that commenced
Narrator 2: Is that gonna stay like that?
Narrator 1: Erm…I'm not sure. I hope not.
Narrator 2: K, watch and find out.
Narrator 1: I can't! I edited it out.
Narrator 2: NO! YOU WILL NOT TAKE MY GHOST!
Narrator 1: … turns to the audience Halo 2. nods Okies, back to the story.
Neo sat in the chair, no longer sure that he was enjoying this sex game. The back of his head felt like it had been stabbed a whole bunch of times with a really big ass needle. All of the people were sitting on the ground sporting censoring bandages from the very censorable Narrator 1.
"My crotch aches." Morpheus said, lying face down on a broken table.
"You know what? Fuck this." Neo jabbed a finger at the mirror as he stuck the needle in the back of his head. The mirror did its thing and we all got a very nice metallic view of the contents of Neo's stomach. Yum.
Narrator 1: Yay! We're done with chapter one!
Narrator 2: Awwww! She thinks we're done already.
Narrator 1: …What? O.o;
Narrator 2: No, we're finished when he wakes up in the Jell-o thingy and passes out right before the acupuncture thing.
Narrator 1: …Don't make fun of me!
Grr! So the mirror did its thing, we saw part of what Neo had when he and Smith had a nice dinner. Neo opened his eyes, the pain dulled. Then he realized he was suddenly living out his lifelong dream…he was lying in a plastic container of Jell-O.
Narrator 2: Come out, come out, where ever you are! sings all this and starts making little noises to fill in for the words he doesn't know Get OUT here….
Narrator 1: He's talking to the enemy Wraith. -;; I ah…just thought it was funny…anyway.
Narrator 2: Is it over? Or are we going until the acupuncture with all the needles and the wires and the blavin and then he's like, blehh…and that's my story and that's what I'm sticking with. nods definitively
Narrator 1: o.o …..meep?
"Ooh, I think I've got him." Morpheus said, hopefully. "…Dammit! Does anyone have a quarter?" He said, referring to…that…what is that thing?
Narrator 1: Good question. What is it you're trying to think of?
Narrator 2: One of those claw-grabby machine things.
Narrator 1: A prize machine?
Narrator 2: Maybe. Only more claw-y.
Narrator 1: Ok. A prize claw machine it is.
"Erm…" Everyone turned out their pockets uneasily. "No."
"DAMN! GO SEARCH THE COUCH!"
"Nothin." Everyone said after searching the couch.
"I KNEW we shouldn't have used a prize claw machine thing instead of a crane."
Narrator 2: How should they solve this problem?
Narrator 1: Ooh, how about a wooden quarter, and then somebody could be obsessed with toothpicks!
Narrator 2: Or we could go with a sledgehammer and a cartoon extendo-glove!
Narrator 1: You know what? It's sick that we're even thinking of this! Let's put this in the fic.
And while our two narrators added this pointless information, our "heroes" somehow solved the problem on their own. We won't add it to the story because we have no clue how they did it. (Seeing as they did it with no help from the narrators.)
"YES! I GOT HIM!" Morpheus cheered, jumping up and down and squealing like a little girl. "Now put the needles in him!"
"Needles?" Neo asked, somethingfully.
Narrator 1: Somethingfully?
Narrator 2: YES! Put somethingfully.
Narrator 1: Ooook.
"Anesthetic." Morpheus said, expecting to receive a form of anesthetic.
"Here." Trinity said, handing him the sledgehammer that was used to get Neo out of the Jell-O, since Narrator 2's idea was better.
Narrator 1: SMACK! I'm Rick James, bitch!
Narrator 2: That's the way to Git' 'er done!
Narrator 1: Now I'm going to the little Narrator's room. Take over! And don't mess up.
THEendORisIT
"Ooh, so many pokey things, so little time." Neo said, groggily, waking up from his encounter with the anesthetic.
Narrator 1: Oo Jeez…I leave for a couple minutes and one line gets done.
Narrator 2: this is where I was gonna finish it, but if you want to drag it on!
(Narrator 1 Automessage: Narrator 1 is busy playing Xbox and cannot reply.)
Narrator 2: ARRRRRRRGH!
TBC… (or, for you stupid /00b5…To be continued.
Narrator 2: HEY! I'm not a stupid /00b! fires at Narrator 1
Narrator 1: . STOP SHOOTING BUTT PLUGS AT EVERYONE!