A/N: Ok, so I saw the post on Tumblr about people only being able to see in black and white until they fall in love/meet their soul mate and as soon as I did I knew I had to write a Merthur fic about it.
Warnings: Really the only warnings I can think of are that the F word is used quite a few times and that boys will be kissing. Otherwise I think we're good.
Title and inspiration comes from Of Monsters and Men's Yellow Light.
All the Colors in Disguise
From the time he is seventeen years old, Arthur Pendragon comes to accept the fact that he is destined to live his life in black and white.
It starts when he falls in love with a girl named Gwen, dark and beautiful with a warm heart that somehow manages to calm his icy exterior. From the moment they start dating Arthur doesn't think he's ever felt anything stronger than the affection he feels for Gwen.
In the beginning there is the slightest hint of doubt when Arthur doesn't see his vision light up in an array of color and wonder, but the absolute love he feels for her is enough to quench these feelings of uncertainty and hold on just a little longer.
In the end, Arthur hangs on for nearly two years. He's not sure how he manages it, waking up every day to see the world is still the same stark shades of black and white, but every time he thinks about letting Gwen go there's an overwhelming tightening in his chest and he reduces himself to silence.
It's not until their final year of high school when a boy named Lancelot, tall, dark, and kind, shows up and turns everything to shit. Arthur is more than a bit uneasy when he sees him after class one day, talking to Gwen as she giggles and blushes at his every word. It ignites something in Arthur than burns hotter than both jealousy and anger and Arthur absolutely hates it.
He wants to be angry, wants to fume and demand that Lance leave his girlfriend well alone but there's something in Gwen's eyes when he looks at her, this undeniable, glowing happiness that makes his stomach tighten painfully.
He ends up ignoring her for the rest of the day and it's not until she finally shows up outside his door just after dark, crying and apologizing over and over ("I can see it Arthur. It's so beautiful and amazing and I'm so sorry you can't see it too…) that Arthur knows he's lost her.
/
It takes some time after losing Gwen before Arthur attempts to become serious with someone again, accepting the invitation Morgana gives him to have drinks with her and her boyfriend, Leon, who has a friend going through a bit of a dry spell.
Percival ("Please, call me Percy") is nice enough, Arthur decides as the night wears on. He's quiet and wise and doesn't bombard Arthur with a series of ridiculous and cliché questions (not to mention he's gorgeous). He simply sips his beer and keeps his eyes on the game that's playing on the flat screen above their heads, only talking when Arthur acknowledges him or he feels he's been quiet for a bit too long.
For the most part the night goes alright and when Percival and Leon decide to head out Arthur gives him a small smile and scribbles his number on a bar napkin before sliding it across the table to Percy.
But, for some reason, Arthur has a sinking suspicion he won't be getting a call any time soon.
/
Much to Arthur's surprise Percy does in fact call him two day after their first meeting. Arthur can't deny that he feels a bit like a school girl when he sees the caller ID and answers the phone somewhat hesitantly.
That night they talk for nearly an hour and when they hang up the phone Arthur can't deny that it feels good to genuinely like someone like this again.
/
He and Percy go out on a couple of dates over the span of a few months but it soon becomes clear to them both that their relationship is lacking. Because while Percival is handsome and kind and tames Arthur's wild side in a way Gwen used to, they are also too much alike and every time Arthur kisses him or touches him (hoping and praying to see all the colors Gwen had sobbed about the night she broke his heart) he's met with the bitter taste of disappointment.
He decides that this time this is no way to live.
And Arthur thinks his heart may break at this realization, feeling as if the ground is crumbling beneath his feet once more as they sit in the tiny café on the corner beside Arthur's work, listening to the patter of the rain against the windows as they attempt to find the words they need.
"I'm sorry it's not working out," Percy eventually says, stirring his coffee and doing his best to avoid Arthur's gaze with hunched shoulders and regret lacing his voice.
"So am I," Arthur manages to say, swallowing against the dryness of his throat and wincing when his voice cracks.
It's not really a break up but it hurts Arthur in the same way, knowing that what could have the possibility of becoming something absolutely amazing is thwarted by the fact that the universe simply doesn't think they belong together.
In the end Percy leaves with his head down and Arthur is left with a cold cup of coffee and a tight feeling in his chest he hasn't felt since he was a teenager.
/
A few weeks after he and Percy end their relationship (if you could really call it that) he meets a man named Gwaine and instantly he thinks of how different he is from Percy.
Instead of being quiet and reserved Gwaine is loud and he likes to drink (and not in the way Arthur or any normal person likes to). Gwaine is also a slight bit conceited and a master flirter, waggling his brow at anyone (regardless of gender) who seems to meet his fancy. Needless to say, Arthur can tell from the get go that he and Gwaine are not going to work.
Instead he decides to take a leap and introduces Percy and Gwaine, watching them hit it off almost instantly as Percy blushes nearly anytime Gwaine opens his mouth and Gwaine actually shuts his mouth when Percy speaks.
By the end of the night the two are nearly inseparable and Arthur can tell (he's not sure how but something inside of him just seems to know) it was undeniably one of the best decisions he's made.
/
A week later Arthur gets a call from Percy who simply thanks him and while he doesn't really go into any detail Arthur knows that Percy can see it. Just as Gwen did.
And this time he isn't even jealous.
/
Nearly five years after they've left high school and fought their way through Uni, Arthur and Gwen reunite over drinks. Of course Lance tags along but by now Arthur has nothing but respect for the man who's able to make Gwen happy in ways he would never be able to.
It's the slightest bit awkward in the beginning but once they get a bit of alcohol in their systems the conversation flows with ease and Arthur remembers all the things that drew him to Gwen in the beginning and what eventually managed to bury the hatchet between he and Lance.
It's not until Gwen brings up the topic of Arthur and his love life that things take a bit of a downward spiral and he finds himself staring into his beer, completely missing the conversation happening beside him.
"Arthur?" he feels Gwen's hand on his shoulder before her soft, concerned voice registers in his ear and he has half a mind to shake off her touch before she begins to speak again.
"Arthur honey I'm sorry if I upset you. You know it's not the end of the world you haven't found someone yet. You're so young and kind hearted and I know Arthur, I know you are going to find that one person who absolutely lights up your world."
That night Arthur leaves the pub with Gwen's words ringing in his ears and a sizable amount of doubt settling into the pit of his stomach.
/
Morgana and Leon get married in the early spring and even though he'd rather be tucked away at home and finishing the mountainous piles of work his father has left for him Arthur finds himself standing beside Leon and pretending he doesn't slightly tear up when he sees Morgana appear at the end of the aisle.
The ceremony is short and sweet and Arthur is so happy for his sister that he can't even think of a snarky remark when she grabs Leon by the tie and snogs him senseless. By the time the reception rolls around and Arthur finishes his speech he finds himself with an intense desire to get incredibly pissed so once he's suffered through at least forty five minutes of picture taking he seeks out Gwaine who is more than happy to help.
He tries to tell his friends it's because he's been working too hard, that he needs a break and to let loose, but deep down in the darkest part of his mind Arthur knows he's simply attempting to drown out the crushing feeling of being alone.
It's become clear to him in the last few weeks that he was surrounded by happy couples who were looking at the world in shades of color Arthur isn't even able to dream of and the realization simultaneously breaks his heart and pisses him off.
So he drinks and drinks and once he's good and drunk he drinks a little more.
Needless to say by the time Arthur manages to stumble back to his hotel room that night, drunker than he's ever been before, he drifts off to sleep almost as soon as his head hits the pillow, contently numb.
/
Arthur knows he's dreaming almost as soon as his eyes open.
He knows this mostly because he knew if this wasn't a dream he would have a fuck all hangover and would most likely be cursing Gwaine to the fiery pits of hell for shoving shot after shot in his direction. Only, instead of being pissed at Gwaine and suffering from the biggest headache of his life, Arthur finds himself sitting in the middle of the café around the corner from his work where he and Percy had parted ways nearly six months ago.
At first glance he thinks he's alone, noting that all the chairs were empty and the room lacked the distinct buzz of patron chatter and the gurgling sound of the coffee makers, but when he manages to pick himself up off the floor he finds his eyes land on a man standing behind the counter, oblivious to Arthur's presence.
At first he think of calling out, catching the man's attention and figuring out exactly what the hell is going on but for some reason he finds himself holding back, entranced with the man's movements as he flits around behind the counter, unaware of the blond standing behind him.
While Arthur can't see the man's face he notes the ink black mop of hair that curls around his ears and at the base of his neck, along with the ears that seem to stand out in a way that should be comical but have Arthur smiling with endearment.
Of course it doesn't take long for him to realize how ridiculous he's being and he mentally berates himself for checking out a man in his dreams when he should be figuring out what the hell all of this means.
It takes nearly a minute of mental prep talking before Arthur works up the courage to approach the counter, wary and unsure, before tapping the little bell on the counter in front of him. The shrill ding catches the man by surprise and he turns around quickly (Arthur's surprised he doesn't snap his neck in the process) to stare at Arthur.
Before either can say a word Arthur finds himself taken aback by the man's beauty. His high cheek bones are perfectly sculpted, his skin a milky white that seems flawless and smooth. It's his eyes though, brighter than any Arthur's ever seen, that seem to capture his attention, threatening to knock the breath out of him as he stares.
Then those eyes, filled with beauty and wisdom and kindness and so many other things, lock with his and all of a sudden Arthur's world explodes into a sea of color.
/
Arthur jerks sharply awake with a choked gasp, feeling the cool sweat that's collected at the nape of his neck and along his forehead. He blinks a few times in an attempt to clear his vision, his head heavy and sore thanks to the alcohol that's currently working its way through of his system.
His breaths come in ragged gasps, his heart beating painfully against his ribs as he tries to contemplate exactly what he just saw and what exactly it means. At first thought the only thing he remembers is the color, so bright and vivid it nearly hurt his eyes; such a sharp contrast to what he was currently seeing.
It's only now as he glances around the room that Arthur realizes the world is still black and white, plain and dark and lonely just as it was before he allowed himself to fall asleep earlier. For one solitary second Arthur is almost certain the whole ordeal never happened, that the alcohol had affected him in a way he'd never experienced before but was more or less a coincidence.
But then he remembers what the world had looked like, so alive and beautiful and unlike anything he had ever seen before, remembers the man behind the counter and how the world had lit up as soon as their eyes had met and Arthur knows this was anything but a simple dream.
And that, he thinks, is what scares him the most.
/
Arthur doesn't fall back asleep that night.
He thinks it may be the shock; seeing the world in color combined with the odd feeling in the pit of his stomach when he had looked into those eyes that's keeping him from finding sleep as his mind works tirelessly to figure out exactly what the dream meant and why it had happened to him.
From what Arthur can remember he's never seen the man before, frequenting the café enough to know the faces of all the employees. Not once has he seen the dark haired man that had invaded his dream, leading him to once again believe it was a simple coincidence (although somewhere in his mind Arthur knows it was probably anything but) and he's reading too far into this.
In the end Arthur gives up the attempt to analyze his dream and when he finally does fall asleep just as the first light of morning streams through the crack in the curtains, he's left with more questions than answers.
/
He opens his eyes only to be met with the sight of someone kneeling over him, their face mere inches away from his own.
Arthur lets out a startled yelp, scrambling back as he sits up and allows his eyes to dart around the room. He's unsurprised to find them in the same coffee shop as before, this time illuminated in color. He doesn't manage to tear his eyes away from his surroundings, still awestruck, until he hears the soft chuckle beside him and turns his head to look at the man from his last dream, regarding Arthur with the faintest hint of amusement as he watches his reaction.
For some reason Arthur finds himself bristling at this.
"What's so funny?" He demands, folding his arms across his chest and looking more like a temperamental child than a man demanding answers.
The man in front of him simple shrugs. "You are."
Arthur scoffs at this, pushing himself to his feet and dusting off his clothes, blatantly ignoring the man still kneeling on the floor even after he rises to his feet and continues to stare at Arthur.
"It's something else isn't it? The first time I saw it, when I first saw you, I didn't think I had ever seen something so…"
"Amazing?"
The man looks up at Arthur and offers a small smile. "Yeah, amazing."
For some reason the sight of the man's dazzling smile makes Arthur weak in the knees, taken aback by his blatant beauty and the kindness in his startlingly blue eyes and before he can stop he hears himself say,
"I'm Arthur."
And then the man in front of him flashes that smile again (Arthur's almost sure he's done it on purpose) and says, "I'm Merlin" and Arthur's almost certain his life is never going to be the same again.
/
After he wakes up from the second dream Arthur comes to terms with the fact that his dreams were real and Merlin, whoever he really was, was Arthur's key to seeing in more than black and white.
The thought that this man was his soul mate, the person who could so easily change the way he perceives the world by simply existing, nearly too much for Arthur to bear. Of course it's what he's been searching for his entire life but for some reason meeting him in a dream comes across as strange for Arthur and he finds himself at a loss.
It's not that he doesn't like Merlin, granted he knows nothing about him, it's just that he's suddenly appeared out of nowhere and the way he's suddenly been able to insert himself in Arthur's life without his control is startling.
And Arthur has no idea what to do about it.
/
The third time they meet Merlin comes armed with a list of questions and Arthur finds himself recanting his entire life to a man he barely knows.
"Have you got any siblings?"
"What did you study in school?"
"Favorite food?"
Fortunately though, he doesn't seem to mind one bit.
/
"Do you think it's possible for someone to dream in color?"
Gwen looks up in surprise when he speaks for the first time since they've all sat down with their drinks and Arthur can tell she's trying to decide whether to humor him or feel bad for him, her hand warm and gentle on his shoulder.
He decides not to bring it up again.
/
He's lost count of how many times he's dreamt of Merlin when the dark haired man decides to take them away from the coffee shop and to a quaint little cottage in a tiny town Arthur's never heard of before in an attempt to tell him a little more about himself.
"It's called Ealdor," Merlin tells him as they walk through the cottage's front door. "It's where I grew up and where my mum still lives."
Arthur would be lying if he said he wasn't used to being in a house this small but the warm atmosphere seems to draw him in and he finds himself feeling strangely at home.
"My mum's lived here as long as I can remember," Merlin says as he sits down on the worn couch and pats the spot beside him and Arthur sits down just as he says, "I think it's because the last thing she has that reminds her of my father."
He notes the sadness in Merlin's voice and his hand instinctively reaches out and grips Merlin's, thumb stroking his knuckles.
"My mum died when I was little. I know what it feels like."
And then all of a sudden Merlin's head is on his chest, a content sigh slipping past his lips and Arthur doesn't think he's ever felt so at ease before.
/
This time when Arthur wakes up, alone and surrounded by black and white, the tightness in his chest threatens to swallow him whole.
/
"You've been acting strange lately."
He looks up from his paperwork to find Morgana glaring at him from the doorway, her manicured red nails tapping on the wood impatiently.
Arthur scoffs and goes back to his work. "I'm sure I've no idea what you're talking about and even if I did I can assure you it would be absolutely none of your business."
Morgana glowers at him and steps further into the office, dropping into a chair near his desk and fixing her icy glare on the side of his head.
He lasts nearly an entire minute before he gives in, dropping his pen and turning towards her with an annoyed look painted on his face.
"Alright," he says, "I'll bite. What do you want?"
Morgana wastes no time in saying, "I have a friend I think you should go out with."
It takes Arthur a few moments to process her words but when he finally looks back to her, eyes wide and unsure.
And it's not because he doesn't feel something for Merlin (because for fucks sake he's somehow able to feel everything for him) but because despite the connection he feels with Merlin he knows he can't keep this façade up forever.
Because eventually he's going to have to get married and have children, live his life like a normal person and move on; going to have to leave Merlin behind and attempt to live out his life in more than just a dream.
The thought nearly makes him ill.
/
"My sister wants to set me up on a date," he tells Merlin, head resting on the man's chest as they stare aimlessly up at the clouds.
He feels Merlin tense beneath him and Arthur flips over, props himself on his elbow so he can look directly into his eyes, noting the sadness he's desperately trying to hide.
"What did you tell her?"
Arthur sighs. "I told her I'd think about it."
Merlin look away from him then, yanking up blades of grass and tossing them to the side, refusing to meet Arthur's eyes.
He barely hears Merlin when he mumbles something that sounds like,
"If you want to do it you should."
And that's when Arthur feels his heart break, running a hand through his hair and tugging at the ends in frustration because fuck he didn't think this would be that hard.
"You know I don't want to leave you," he finally says, "but at the same time I don't know how the hell we're supposed to keep this up."
He drops his head into his hands, feeling his chest tighten painfully and it's not until he feels Merlin's hands on him, pulling him closer until their nose to nose and staring into each other's eyes that he finally takes a chance and does the one thing he's wanted to for a long time.
Merlin's lips are soft and taste like coffee and chocolate and Arthur thinks he may lose his mind. What starts off as soft and careful soon becomes something intense and mind blowing as Merlin lets out tiny whimpers when Arthur captures his bottom lip between his teeth, tongue snaking in and out of his mouth as they cling tightly to each other.
/
When Arthur wakes up he finds himself choking on his sobs, reaching out blindly to the spot beside him only to find it cold and empty and dammit he should have known he could never be happy.
/
The next day he tells Morgana he can't go out with her friend and even manages to sit through her temper tantrum without saying a word.
Still, Arthur can't help but feel he's just made a mistake and this time when he dreams Merlin simply holds him as he screams and cries and asks over and over why the world is so damn unfair.
/
They've been meeting this way for the better part of a year and somehow Arthur can tell that this time is going to be the last.
He's not sure why or how he knows, just that this time when Merlin leans in to kiss him he feels something is lacking; as if Merlin is holding back and if the look on his face is anything to go by Arthur's almost sure he's going to have his heart broken again.
Then Merlin speaks and Arthur curses himself for being so damn intuitive.
"I think you need to move on," Merlin whispers softly, hand clasped tightly around Arthur's as he buries his face in his blond hair.
Arthur opens his mouth to argue (more than likely beg) but Merlin silences him with a rough kiss that leaves him nearly in tears.
"I think you need to move on because we both know this is no way to live and, Arthur, if you don't get out now I don't think I'll ever be able to let you go."
And then, before Arthur can even breathe or blink or think, he finds himself completely alone and the world is once again startling shades of black and white.
/
Arthur likes to think Merlin leaving him was nothing more than a nightmare and that when he lays down to sleep the next night he'll find him waiting there, smiling and warm and smelling like home.
Only, when Arthur does fall asleep the next time, Merlin is nowhere to be found.
Somehow he isn't surprised.
…
He decides that the first week is the hardest.
He drinks more than he should and barely sleep because he's so fucking afraid that eventually Merlin will come back and when he does Arthur will have no idea what to say. So instead he stays up late, goes to the pub or finds work that needs to be done in the office.
It isn't until Morgana finally sits him down and threatens to go to their father and tell him something is wrong with Arthur that he finally snaps out of it and attempts to turn his life back into something that could be defined as normal.
…
He goes on a few dates with Mithian, the friend Morgana had tried to set him up with before, and decides he actually might like her.
But despite being beautiful and nice and outspoken in a way he can only admire Arthur finds that while the pain of losing Merlin has begun to numb it hasn't disappeared and the thought of moving on allows a bitter taste to settle on his tongue.
He ends things before they even have a chance to begin.
…
It happens on a Tuesday when the rain is pelting down on the city and Arthur ducks into the tiny café in an attempt to shelter himself from storm outside.
While he doesn't normally come here anymore he decides running away from his problems isn't worth getting completely soaked.
Besides, he could use a decent cup of coffee that wasn't made by Morgana.
So while he waits for the storm to wane he orders his drink, waiting patiently beside the counter as he thumbs through his phone and promptly ignores Morgana's numerous demands that he bring her a pastry.
By the time the barista behind the counter calls his name Arthur is completely engrossed by an email and blindly reaches out to take his cup. He doesn't think much of it when his fingers accidentally brush against the barista's until the flash of color suddenly ignites his vision, so bright that Arthur actually drops his cup, hot coffee pooling at his feet as he looks up and finds himself staring into familiar cerulean eyes.
Beautiful, just as they were in his dreams and suddenly Arthur can't breathe.
"Wow," Merlin breathes," his voice the same silky tone that Arthur remembers all too well. "Can you see that?"
Arthur nods, unable to keep the nearly hysterical sound of disbelief out of his voice. "Yeah, yeah I see it."
And suddenly the world was more beautiful than it's ever been before.