And I couldn't take it anymore.

Here she stands before me today like she does everyday. Completely and utterly devoted to serving me the best that she can. And truthfully, she knows me the best out of anyone. But that, that right there is where in lays the sad part. She doesn't know anything about me.

She wants to help me, hmmm? Then why doesn't she love me? I cry every night because I can't involve her, I can't risk her safety, my position as Hokage therefore risking the safety of my home. It makes me want to scream. I love her so much but she thinks that she's just my simply servant.

I need someone. I've given my heart to so many only to see them die with it. Can I do that again? Jesus, how STRONG DO YOU THINK I AM! I need someone to help me… distract me…

Help…

It's 3 am. Too early for early birds and too late for the drunks of the town. It's the perfect time to leave. I feel shameful as I walk down the streets. I need to gamble. I need to drink. I need to smoke. But I need to be alone. I need this feeling to die.

I can't live like this.

I just can't…

She's Dan's niece. I loved Dan so much… SO MUCH

I can feel the tears flow freely down my cheeks and my face burns with shame. I'm a Hokage. A LEADER! My people need me. We're in the midst of war. How dare I be so selfish as to cry about this? Shizune will one day marry a husband and bare children. She'll be happy. I'll be happy for her but I'll hate every minute of it.

I just want to be happy.

I clenched my eyes. I need to go somewhere quiet. Somewhere where's there's not many people. I need some time to gather my thoughts before Shizune finds me… Shizune finds me… I stumbled down the road, my eyes too clouded with tears to see properly. It's okay if anyone catches a glimpse of this. They'll just think I'm drunk. I'm always drunk.

That makes the tears come faster. I'm such a fucking disgrace. I've never protected the one closest to me. I've never done right by anyone, have I?

"Hokage-sama?"

I clench my eyes to keep the tears in and wipe the wetness of my face. It doesn't matter though. I'll always be a disgrace, why not just give up and look like one?I open my eyes. It's Kurenai. Her hair is tied back into a ponytail, causing the shorter layers to fall out and frame her face, giving her the illusion of short hair.

Her red eyes look brown in the light and I can't stand it.

"Tsunade-sama."

Kurenai say again, sounding alarmed, and somehow, she manages to drag me to her apartment. She sets me on the couch and bends down in front of me and gods, she looks like Shizune.

I sigh, giving in and reach out to cup her face.

"Kurenai-san? Would you help me?"

I ask breathlessly and her eyes widen "Of course." I look around "Where's your child?" Kurenai smiled "Godmother's." I nodded and she leaned closer, ignoring my hand on her cheek. "Please, Tsunade-sama, how can I help you?"

Tsunade's eyes watered as she kept her hand on Kurenai's soft, smooth cheek.

Tsunade shut her eyes tightly and took a deep breath…

"Spend the night with me."