-1"ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?"
Kara missed her friend.
Lee hadn't been the same since the Pegasus showed up but after his ejection from the black bird and his confession to her, he had completely shut himself off.
He had told her that he wished he didn't make it back alive. She couldn't imagine what would make him say such a thing. She'd been thinking about it in the weeks since, playing back every scene up until the op in her mind.
When she had told him about her involvement in Adama's plan to assassinate Admiral Cain he was disappointed, not angry. He didn't think she'd agree to do it but she owed The Old Man so much, she couldn't turn him down. Lee agreed to back her up because that's what they did for each other, no matter what. Then he had gotten all melancholy and said that there needed to be trust between people or they were no better than the Cylons.
The truth is, she was probably the last person he had any trust left in after the President and his father decided the best way to settle differences with Cain was through cold blooded murder. Then she betrayed that trust by agreeing to carry out their plan.
But she thinks what put him over the edge was that he thought he broke his promise to her when he wasn't there to help her carry out her mission. He thought he had let her down and he had apologized to her for it. She had made light of it, it was beyond his control. So why was it bothering him so much? When he confessed to her that he wished he hadn't made it back from the op alive, she was speechless. She didn't talk to him about it then. She just sat with him until he finally fell asleep.
After Cain's funeral and Adama's promotion to Admiral, he was reinstated as Galactica's CAG and she hoped getting back to his old routine would perk him up again but it hadn't. He was all sullen and business-like. His usual good humor with the pilots and deck crew was a thing of the past, and he was more antagonistic with Colonel Tigh. He started taking his work outs with Dualla instead of her, and he staggered his schedule with hers so that they didn't fly CAP together or have down time together. She missed his presence at the triad table. Not that she would have seen him there anyway had their schedules coincided. Lately, he had taken to taking his down time off ship.
She and Lee had always been close friends and confidants. They always told each other everything, but other than what was in the official report to Adama, she couldn't bring herself to tell him anything about her time on Caprica. She knew it hurt him to be left out, but he had told her that he would be there for her when she was ready to talk. Now she wanted to tell him everything, and when she was done he would tell her everything, and then they'd hug and be friends again. And if he wanted to kiss her again, she'd let him. And he would never entertain the thought of not coming back from a mission alive ever again.
She was happy when they were assigned together to investigate a Cylon sympathizer group. She'd be able to talk to him then about her concerns. While they were rifling through a suspect's belongings, she had gotten up the nerve to approach the subject, but before she could finish her sentence he discovered a piece of evidence and the subject was dropped.
They completed their investigation and the sympathizers had been appeased for the time being. As they were leaving the Admiral's office after filing their report, Lee picked up his pace as if to get away from her. She grabbed his arm and turned him to face her.
"Are you all right?" She asked.
"I'm fine." He replied tersely.
"You're mad at me."
"No I'm not. Listen Kara, I've got to be somewhere. I'll talk to you later."
"Sure, you've always got to be somewhere lately." She said sarcastically.
"What do you want from me, Kara?" He was getting impatient with her.
"I want you to talk to me, Lee. The last thing you said to me that wasn't an order was that you wanted to die. That's a topic that warrants further discussion, don't you think?"
"Not really."
"You wouldn't let it go if I said that to you."
He stared at her, his jaw working, his mind struggling for an answer.
"It scared me." She continued.
"I'm sorry." He answered. His jaw still tight, his eyes angry.
"Stop apologizing, Lee." it was her turn to get angry. "You didn't do anything wrong. The President let you down, your father let you down and I let you down. We should be apologizing to you. I'm sorry I agreed to carry out their mission and I'm sorry I asked you to get involved."
He was trying hard to control his emotions. Anger, fear, hurt, all threatening to explode inside his chest. "Kara…" his voice was guttural.
"No. I'm not finished. I know you think you let me down but you didn't. If you didn't take out Resurrection's FTL drive we wouldn't be standing here right now. Just talk to me, Lee. You used to tell me everything."
But he couldn't tell her this. If she wanted to think that's what his depression was about, he'd let her. Kara couldn't know about the visions he'd had as he was losing consciousness after ejecting from the black bird. Visions of mistakes he had made in his life. Of people he had hurt. Visions of Gianne and how he had pushed her away when she needed him the most. Because he was afraid. He had run away to an assignment on a battlestar so she couldn't follow him and change his mind. And now Gianne was dead along with their unborn child and there was no way he could make amends for what he had done to them. The visions haunted him still. Her look of despair and disappointment when he told her he didn't want the baby burned into his memory. He couldn't stop thinking about how his life could have been if only…..
Everyone had an image of Lee Adama. Captain, CAG, Admiral's son. Clean cut, straight-laced, righteous, and steadfast in his convictions. An honest and honorable man, sworn to uphold the law and protect the civilian population. His kid brother had idolized him and new pilots emulated him. He was proud of that image but he wasn't that person. Not anymore. Not since Gianne. Gods, she wouldn't get out of his head. Maybe if he told Kara, Gianne would finally leave him alone. But he couldn't. He couldn't bear it if Kara thought less of him because of what he had done. And because of what he was doing. She couldn't know about Shavon either.
"There's nothing to say, Kara." He said, grabbing her arms. She wouldn't look at him and instead stared at the floor, but he kept talking anyway. "I was upset by the President's and my father's plan to assassinate Cain, and I was upset that I broke my promise to you to watch your back, and I was a little freaked out by my brush with death, but I'm over it now. It's done. And I'm ok." He crouched slightly to catch her eyes with his. When he had them, he straightened up and smiled wanly for reassurance. "I'm ok," he repeated. Then he walked away.
Kara watched him go. He would go to his locker, pack civilian clothes into his duffel and take a shuttle to Cloud 9.
Over the next few weeks Kara had consigned to the fact that Lee had changed but she also held onto the hope that he would change back into her old friend. She was engrossed one night in a game of triad with Helo and Kat in the Officer's Lounge, with Dee and Billy looking on when Lee walked in. He was unshaven and unkempt, his dress blue uniform jacket un-tucked and unbuttoned. His right hand grasped an open, near full bottle of liquor by its neck, casually swinging it down by his knee, From the looks of him, it wasn't his first bottle. An uncomfortable look passed between him and Dee that wasn't missed by Billy or anyone else in the room for that matter. Dee excused herself and left. Billy followed. Lee took a long tug from the bottle.
"Hey Captain," Helo said. He wasn't oblivious to the change in Lee and he was as taken aback by his appearance as everyone else, but he didn't let on. "Wanna get in on this?"
"Nah, I'll just watch." Lee said and took the chair that Dee had just vacated, turned it around and straddled it backward, his arms resting on its back.
"How'd the investigation go?" Kara hoped she had done as well as Helo in hiding her shock.
"Fisk got caught up in the black market, got greedy and got killed. The guy who killed him is dead, the guy who ordered him to be killed is dead and the black market carries on under the watchful eye of the Galactica. I'll be filing my report to my father in the morning and the President tomorrow afternoon. I'm sure neither will be happy with it." Lee answered.
"Well, it sounds like you did good." Kara said. "What happened to your neck?"
Lee rubbed the cut on his neck from the piano wire, its harsh look softened by his five o'clock shadow. "Someone didn't like my nosing around."
Kara's brow knit into a frown. Why didn't he ask her to work on this with him? Somebody tried to kill him? If she had been there she would have put a bullet in their head. But she thinks she knows why he went solo. The locker room gossip was that Communications had gotten an urgent ship to ship call from Cloud 9 for Captain Adama. A frantic woman who asked him to come right away. She didn't say her name but he seemed to know who it was. He didn't ask what was wrong, he just said he'd be right there and took off to be with her. Kara suspected that Lee was having an affair with this woman, if the gossip was true. It would explain all his trips to Cloud 9.
"I'm out." Kat said, throwing down her cards and standing up. "That's it for me. I'm gonna hit my rack."
"Me too. Starbuck's too hot tonight" Helo said, repeating Kat's movements. Then he was gone.
"Looks like I win again." Kara said raking in her winnings. "And it looks like it's just me and you, Captain. Sure you don't want to play?"
"No." He answered, his voice gravelly. He was staring at her.
Kara swallowed hard, a little uncomfortable with his scrutiny. What was he playing at? "You gonna share that?" she asked, nodding towards the bottle he still held in his hand.
He extended it out to her. "No glass."
She took the bottle from him and took a swig, their eyes never leaving each other while she did.
She wiped her mouth on the back of the hand that held the bottle, then handed it back to him. "I have to say I've never seen you like this, all drunk and scruffy, Captain." She tried to keep her voice light. "Are you all right?"
"Kara, I have so much to tell you….."
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
He told her everything about Gianne and the baby, and about Shavon and Paya. He talked uninterrupted for over an hour. He talked, she listened and when he was done, there were tears in both their eyes.
Kara reached out her hand to Lee and gently grasped the back of his neck. Her fingers grazing the edge of his hair. She pulled him towards her until their foreheads touched, eyes locked together. They stayed that way for a minute until he moved left and pulled her into a hug, his arms around her shoulders. She returned the hug and buried her face in his neck.
"Did you love her?" She asked, not breaking the hug. "Gianne, I mean."
Lee paused before he answered. "I thought I did, but when she told me…..I wasn't ready to be tied down…to be a father…. And I…..."
"You hurt her." She finished for him. There was no judgment in her voice. She pulled away so she could look at him, but kept her hands on his shoulders.
He nodded almost indiscernibly. A tear escaped his eye and rolled down his cheek. Kara caught it with her finger. Then cupped his cheek in her hand.
"It's been done, Lee. You can't change it. You can only forgive yourself and move on."
He nodded again.
"And Shavon?" She asked slyly.
He rolled his eyes and laughed weakly. "That was….uh,"
"Never mind. Lee," she said, her tone had become serious. "I have a lot to tell you, too."
And she proceeded to tell him about her time on Caprica, about the blonde Cylon bitch that tried to kill her, about finding Helo and Sharon and how she felt about Sharon being a Cylon. How she hated her but kept remembering her friend and shipmate. And how this Sharon helped them escape Caprica and return to Galactica. She told him about being shot and the Cylons capturing her but saving her life so they could use her for the perpetuation of their species. She told him about the mystery scar and the farms. And she told him about Anders.
Tears were rolling freely down her face. 'He'll call me a slut now and turn away from me forever.' she thought.
"Kara," he said softly, lifting a hand to bush away a strand of her hair that had fallen across her eye and tuck it behind her ear. His hand lingered on the side of her face, then changed direction to run the back of his fingers down her cheek, catching her tears in their wake. "I'm so sorry." She could hear the pain in his voice. This time he pulled her into a hug.
His arms were strong and reassuring and his hands warm against her back. She buried her face into his neck again, letting his stubble scratch her face, its roughness fighting the numbness that had overtaken her body. They had been talking and drinking for nearly four hours. The bottle was empty, they were both drunk, and she was exhausted.
"What time do you have to give your father the report?" she asked.
"0930."
"Did you write it up yet?"
"Of course. As soon as I got back from Pegasus. Duty before pleasure."
She smiled. That was just like him. "It's 0500 now. Maybe you should get some rack time, sober up, shower, shave. You'll want to look pretty." She was rubbing her hands down the front of his uniform jacket in a vain attempt to smooth it out and wipe away the tears she'd left there.
She was actually driving him crazy. His breathing started to get heavier as the sensations her touch was causing traveled down into him.
He put his hands around her waist and pulled her in closer to him trapping her hands flat against his chest. She gazed up into his face and their eyes met. Lee leaned towards her loosening his grip on her waist just enough for her to slide her hands up and around to the back of his neck. The he kissed her, ever so softly on her lips. She closed her eyes and returned the kiss letting her hands slide up his neck and into his hair, twining her fingers through it. He moaned slightly and held her tighter, his hands gently caressing her back, his tongue sliding into her mouth.
She broke the kiss and stepped back from him. He looked at her questioningly.
She regarded the man standing before her. She had met Lee Adama when she was dating his brother Zack. They had found a common interest in flying and had become fast friends. They started out sharing stories about military life, then about their personal lives, and finally they started sharing intimate secrets…things they could never tell anyone else. And they found solace in each other's company after Zack's death. Out of all her friends, Lee knew her the best and she treasured his friendship the most.
That's why this couldn't continue.
She had frakked up every relationship she'd ever had with any guy she'd ever slept with. She was sure that if she slept with Lee, she'd frak things up with him too.
"Are you all right?" He asked. He ran a hand over her hair.
"Is this the right thing to do?"
"It feels right." He said, stepping in to put his arms around her again. She put her hands out to keep him back. Hurt flashed in his eyes. "What is it, Kara?"
She started crying. "I can't do this, Lee. I need you to be my friend."
"I am your friend, Kara. I'll always be your friend." This time when he stepped in to hold her, she didn't push him away. "I promise." he said, placing kisses in her hair. "No matter what happens."
She pulled back and stared into his face. She saw truth there. And love. And she swore an oath to her gods that she would never hurt this man again.