My skin was painted, partially at least. My entire left arm was covered in various designs which extended onto my shoulder and passed down the side of my body and slightly onto my thigh. My right foot was also covered, the pattern trailing up my leg and reaching its apex at the middle of the back of my thigh. Most of the time, they were covered; only occasionally did I allow them to be revealed, when I managed to suit my surroundings.
Sitting on the lap of someone I had grown up with, they squirmed as I applied their eye makeup, uncomfortable with our position. Growling, I stood and sat on the arm of the chair instead and continued to apply the eyeliner, his bright green eyes watching me closely.
"I thought I had taught you how to do this last year?" I asked, pausing for him to answer.
"You did, but it looks better when you do it," he stated, motioning for me to continue. I growled again, one of the band members behind me chuckling as I did the finishing touches.
"One more week," I murmured, frustrated at constantly being surrounded by men. Feeling him catch my hand, I carefully extracted it, pulling out of his hold and began packing up what was left on the table beside his chair.
"You hate it that much?" he asked cautiously while the rest of them made their way out of the room.
"I get paid almost nothing Ville," I retorted turning back to him and revealing my annoyance to him. "They all think I'm here to keep your bed warm and that you pay me for it, yet I don't want to be here but I can't get work anywhere else. I just want to work and get this over with. It's time for you to go on stage, and time for me to get a drink. Have fun and don't touch me again," I continued, warning him before walking away, leaving the bag beside the chair.
Stepping into the arena, after passing security, I heard the first strums of the guitar, the crowd to my right roaring with cheers. Hearing the coarse voice beginning to sing, I growled in frustration, annoyed with what was going on and determined to ignore the men I was staying with so I could make it home without trouble. Being passed a drink by the bartender that was outside the arena, I smiled gratefully, my jacket sleeves pulled up to my elbows and revealing my tattoo consequently.
"You look pissed," a voice to my right commented.
"Fuck off," I stated plainly, finishing the rest of my drink.
"Shouldn't you be in there?" he asked as I turned, his hand pointing towards the arena doors.
"Listening to shit I hear every day? I'd rather not, I'd rather just go home," I commented, causing him to laugh. Seeing his icy blue eyes watching me closely as I tugged my sleeves back down again, I waited for him to ask another question, continue his obscure interrogation.
"You hear this daily? You know these guys?" he asked, somewhat surprised. His questions made me realize he wasn't from the country; he wasn't German, but American.
"Their all assholes, that's what I know," I answered, beginning to walk away and leave him behind.
"Hostile much?" he continued, following behind me.
"Do you ever take the hint?" I replied, as security waved me through. Hearing the man follow after me, I realised he must know someone in the band also; that he wasn't a complete stranger to the men I was annoyed with.
"Why should I take a hint from someone who doesn't even want to be here?" he countered.
"I have no choice in being here, and if you touch me I will cause you immense pain," I answered, feeling him grow closer as I reached the door to the bands room. Opening the door and stepping through, I left it open for the man following me, whoever he really was.
"Everyone has a choice, it's not like you're a slave. Surely Ville doesn't drag you along every time?" he continued to question.
"He drags me along because I have nothing else and he's managing to protect me. Just leave me alone, you're like him, always wanting information and to know what's going through my head. You don't know me, I don't want you to know me and I would prefer it if you left me alone," I responded, aggravated by his questions.
Turning to glare at him, he looked shaken as I moved around the room and located my bag of clothing. Changing my clothes in front of him, I saw him pale as he saw the remaining wounds that had yet to heal from before the tour. Being dressed in my usual jeans and halter neck top, I sat to pull on my boots again, glaring as he sat on my left. Seeing him reach out from the corner of my eye, I quickly clambered to my feet and stepped away again and began searching in my bag.
"He obviously has a reason for being concerned," he mumbled, climbing to his feet as well.
"I told you not to touch me," I reminded him, straightening up with my jacket back in place.
"Abuse?" he questioned after a few moments of silence, causing me to hesitate as I tucked my lighter and packet of cigarettes into my jacket pocket. With my phone, I.D and cash in hand, I stepped around him, and back out of the room, the man still following me. Passing security again, I glared over my shoulder at the man, the sound of Ville's singing carrying out as I continued.
Stepping onto the street, fans milled around, hearing what they could of the band inside, desperate to get in. Feeling my shadow grow closer, I growled once more, finding the closest bar and walked inside swiftly. Sitting myself at the bar, I ordered a drink while the man sat next to me again, watching closely as I ignored him.
"I don't know why he would even want you around," he breathed, his own irritation evident.
"Maybe you should ask him, he might enlighten the both of us that way," I retorted, before taking a long drink out of the glass before me.
"How well do you know him?" His constant questioning was just making my agitation increase, but he obviously had a reason behind it.
"I've known him since I was six, he know things about me that no one else sees. As for you, you're an American, you don't know what that country is really like, you have no idea what those people are capable of," I snarled at him, causing him to look perplexed.
"I was right before, wasn't I?" he asked cautiously as I lowered the glass onto the bar.
"Unfortunately," I answered, taking another drink. Glancing to see his reaction, he looked pale, as though he didn't expect me to be so honest, with only a word. "Were the scars the only give away?" I asked hesitantly, twirling the glass on the bar we were leaning against.
"They were definitely the first thing that made me think it, then it was the comment you made when I was following you, not wanting to be touched," he explained quietly.
"I don't know you and right now I really don't want to get to. How about you sit here and drink with me and if you still want to know or you manage to meet me again, then maybe, I'll talk to you like I used to with Ville. Just drink with me." I was pleading, unsure as to why but knowing by the way he was watching me that he wasn't going to leave until the night was over.
"Until the end of the show," he stated definitively, waving down the barman and ordering us drinks.
It had only taken an hour, but neither of us had spoken, just drank what was put in front of us by the barman when our glasses were empty. Finally clambering to our feet, I placed a pile of bills on the bar for the man standing in front of us, who quickly picked them up and handed me the extra change. Giving him a smile, an arm was wrapped around me as I stumbled, causing me to hesitate for a moment before allowing the man to help me walk from the bar, both of us essentially holding the other up.
Making our way past the security inside the arena, I carefully extracted myself from his hold, uncomfortable with the contact and watched him walk ahead of me. Slowly I followed behind him, carefully stepping into the room, and seeing the band all sitting around the room drinking, the man who had walked in before me sitting beside Ville who was watching me with concern.
"Kaija, you're back again and you look drunk," Linde called from across the room, beer bottle in hand.
"Wow, you know how to tell what state someone's in, would you like a treat? You did learn something new after all," I countered, causing him to laugh heartily as he stepped closer.
"What kind of treat are you offering?" he asked, standing too close for comfort.
"I was thinking of another beer," I replied, taking a step back. Seeing Ville clamber to his feet from the corner of my eye, Linde took another step closer, pressing me to the wall.
"Linde, just leave her alone, she was just joking, don't read too much into her words," Ville said, pulling his friend away from me. Remaining still, Ville was watching me closely as Linde walked away, his irritation obvious to me and the rest of the band.
Finally gaining control over my body again, I drew in a deep breath, calming the shaking that was evident in my body as I stepped cautiously away from the wall. Feeling his hand hesitantly take me hand, I allowed him to lead me over to the couch he had vacated and push me into the seat beside his friend before sitting on my other side. Carefully, he draped his arm over my shoulders, drawing me closer, despite the anger I felt earlier and I allowed him the contact, knowing it was something I shouldn't shy away from.
"Good drink?" he asked softly, watching the others closely as I continued to draw in trembling breaths.
"I still don't want to be here," I breathed, refusing to look at anyone, defiantly staring at my hands.
"Just avoid the guys during the day and then do what you have to. We'll be back before anything else happens," he murmured, attempting to make me feel better. Hearing laughter echo through the room, I winced, immediately clambering to my feet and moving around to my bag.
Carrying both my bag full of clothes and small bag of makeup as I left the back room and headed back to the bus, I knew they were all watching, the band waiting for me to leave earshot before mocking me. Dropping the straps of both bags onto my elbow, I extracted a packet of cigarettes from my pocket, pulling out one before swapping it for the lighter. Holding the cigarette between my lips as I lit it, I felt a hand tug at my pocket, and as I glanced over my shoulder, Ville was standing behind me with the packet in his hand.
"These will kill you, you know?" he said, as I handed him the lighter.
"Probably, but I don't mind," I replied, taking the packet and lighter back from him.
"Onto the bus, we have to get going soon," he ordered, giving me a gentle push to continue. Stepping quickly up the stairs of the bus, I took a long, deep breath from the cigarette and exhaled as I dropped the bags onto the table at the back of the bus.
Turning back to face him again, I drew in another breath, his friend behind him, watching curiously. Having Ville reach out his hand to me, I hesitantly took it, allowing him to lead me back to the couches at the front.
"I'm Bam by the way," his friend said as I sat at the table, Ville sliding in beside me.
"Katariina Venäläinen, thank you for earlier," I said shortly, lifting my knees to my chest, Ville's hand reaching for mine and holding firmly. Placing the cigarette back to my mouth, I remained silent as the two men began talking and laughing, while I looked out the window.
Hearing the sounds of the rest of the band climbing onto the bus, I tried to get closer to the window, cuddling my arms around myself, forcing Ville to let my hand go. His concern was well hidden as the others took their seats and the bus started, the noise in the small space difficult to handle. Standing up on the seat, I stepped over Ville before dropping to my feet on the isle and made my way to the back of the bus. Climbing into Ville's bunk, I assumed Bam would take the spare, but I pulled Ville's pillow to my chest, attempting to hide my pain.
Silent sobs coursed through my body, violently shaking me as tears fell, tears I had managed to contain for months. Hearing the rest of the band climbing into their own bunks, I heard the curtains open behind me, a reassuring hand touching my back lightly as I struggled to remain quiet.
"Riina, do you want me here?" he questioned softly. Swiftly rolling, I caught his hand and nodded furiously, afraid of being alone and knowing he wouldn't judge me for the state I was in. Shuffling to the back of the bunk, I made room for him to clamber in beside me, which he quickly did and closed the curtains to close us off from the world.
"I hate this," I cried quietly, clutching at his shirt as he enclosed me in his arms.
"You're stronger than you look, I'll be here for you as long as you need it," he breathed, kissing the crown of my head.
"When we get home, I need a way out, I can't stay there. Please don't make me go back," I pleaded, terrified of what would eventually happen.
"I can help, you're my friend Riina, and I want to help. You don't have to stay there," he tried to reassure, firmly holding me to him as tears continued to fall. He was gently rocking us, attempting to calm me and slowly succeeding. The movements of the bus and the soft touches of Ville's hands running down my spine slowly sent me to sleep; lulled me into a sense of security.
Feeling the wheels of the plane touch the ground, I tensed again, Ville's thumb rubbing over my knuckles in reassurance. Gripping his hand tightly as we waited to be able to get off, he reached over with his other hand and tried to get me to relax.
"It's okay, no need to panic," he said softly in our native language, gently prying his hand from mine, loosening my grip.
"Don't like planes," I mumbled, moving in the seat, attempting to get past my discomfort. He smiled slightly, his hold on my hand soft and reassuring, but he didn't let go, he ensured I knew he was there. Leaning against his side, I dropped my head onto his shoulder, fearing that once he left, I would be hurt again; all the wounds that had healed would be broken again.
"Let me know if you need anything when you get home," he breathed, kissing the top of my head, wrapping an arm around my shoulders. Remaining silent, I felt the last movements of the plane, before it came to a shuddering halt and people began clambering to their feet, unpacking their luggage from over head. Staying in my seat, Ville waited by my side, the people around us recognizing him as they passed but none stopped to talk.
Finally stepping out of the airport after collecting our luggage, the band was in front of us, leading the way through the airport. Ville held me against his side as he led me across the car park after them, ensuring I didn't go anywhere away from them. Watching my surroundings carefully, I was hesitant as he urged me to climb into the van in front of me after taking my bags from my hand before I could protest.
"I can find my own way home," I argued, trying to resist as he went to lift me.
"We are taking you home Riina, so just get in the van and we'll take you there," he warned, a glint in his eye that scared me into doing what he wanted. Pressing myself against the wall of the van when Ville sat next to me, his hand reached out for mine, but I refused to let him take, I cowered away from his touch like I had done when I was younger.
I was silent as I watched the rest of the band be let out at their homes, waiting for the driver to follow Ville's direction to my own home. Watching the familiar houses rush by, I began to feel anxious, knowing that it wouldn't be a warm welcome home. Feeling the van begin to slow, Ville tried to gain my attention again, but I continued to look out the window, refusing to look at him, knowing I would begin to cry if I did.
Once the van was stopped, Ville let out a heavy sigh, before clambering out the vehicle and holding out a hand for me. Slowly, I climbed out, still refusing to meet his gaze as the driver went to pass me my bags. Handing the makeup bag to Ville, he placed it carefully back into the van, before turning back to me and continuing to fight to gain my attention.
"I'll see you in a few weeks Ville, you did well in Germany," I complemented, still looking away from him, knowing he was beginning to worry.
"Try and be safe Riina, call me if you need anything," he replied, pressing a kiss to my forehead and allowing me to step away. Hesitantly, I moved away from the van and made my way towards the house I dreaded returning to, leaving behind the only person that had cared since my brother's death.
Entering the house, it was eerily quiet, as I closed the door quietly behind me before venturing further into the house, turning on lights as I went. Making my way towards the stairs, I was afraid of what was happening, unsure of why it was so quiet or why there seemed to be no one in the house. Hearing the floor creak behind me as I placed my bag down beside the stairs, I froze, tensing as I waited for the first blow to fall.