I created this character a long time ago, and forgot about him for some time. Out of boredom, I have decided to work on his story. I don't own South Park, I only own the Henderson's.
...
Shortly after the bus stopped, something flew through two windows. "Holy crap!" Jack yelled, amazed that he wasn't injured by any of the shattered glass that fell on him, and confused at what happened. "What? What happened?" His sister, Ellie asked.
"Good morning Ms. Crabtree." Stan said. "Sit down! We're runnin' late!" Ms. Crabtree shouted. The boys entered the bus.
"Was that a football?" Jack asked. "I dunno. I was sleeping." Ellie replied.
"No, dude, if something happens to him, my parents are gonna blame me." Kyle said, worried. Apparently his brother was the unidentified object that flew threw the window. "Sit down back there! Arrrggghhh!" Ms. Crabtree yelled.
"Yeah, whatever, ya fat bitch." Stan said. "What did you say?!" She asked. "I said I have a bad itch." Stan lied. "Oh." Ms. Crabtree returned her focus to driving.
"Oh my god!" Kyle and Stan looked out the rear window of the bus. "Visitors!" Stan yelled. "Ike!" Kyle exclaimed.
Kyle ran to the front of the bus. "Stop the bus! Ms Crabtree, you have to stop this bus!" Kyle yelled. "Do you want an office referral?" Ms Crabtree asked. "No." Kyle answered. "Then sit down!" She yelled. "But I—" Kyle was interupted by "Arrgggh!", So he responded with "Arrggh!", which she responded with a louder "Arrgghhh!". Kyle returned to his seat after losing the screaming contest to the angry bus driver.
"Cartman, are those the same visitors you saw?" Stan asked. "Cartman saw visitors?" Ellie asked, poking her head out of the window next to her seat to see. "Oh wow. They're taking some little kid!" She observed.
Kyle became more worried about the abduction of his brother. "Well, we can't do anything for now, that fat bitch won't let us." Stan said. "What did you say?!" Ms. Crabtree yelled. "Uh, I said that rabbits eat lettuce." Stan lied. "Oh. Well, yes, they certainly do." Ms Crabtree said, before turning a hard right. Jack flew over to the other side of the bus. "Ow!" Ellie started laughing at Jack's pain. The Boys started laughing for a completely different reason.
...
A few hours later...
"And now children, our friend, Mr. Hat, is going to tell us about Christopher Columbus." Mr Garrison, their teacher explained. "That's right, Mr. Garrison. Christopher Columbus discovered America and was the Indians' best friend. He helped the Indians win their war against Fredrick Douglass and a freed the Hebrews from Napoleon and discovered France. And then in 1492..." Mr Hat, his puppet, continued to ramble nonsense.
"I have to see the Visitors." Ellie whispered. By have, she means want. "Then wait a few hours to leave school." Jack said.
"'You know he can't think on his own, Kyle!' 'Brush and floss, Kyle!' 'Where has that finger been, Kyle?!'" Kyle did immitations of his parents scolding him. "Dude!" Stan yelled.
"Is there a problem boys?" Mr Garrison asked. "Yes, Mr. Garrison, I have to go now." Kyle said. By have, he actually meant have. "Oh, really, Kyle? What is it this time? Another prostate tumor?" Mr Garrison asked, refrencing a previous incident that has no relevence to the plot worth explaing. Ellie might call it a noodle incident, but she doesn't know what that term means.
"No, my little brother's been abducted by aliens." Kyle explained. Ellie started laughing at the realization of what she witnessed earlier. Apparently, she was half-asleep for most of it. "It's true! Ask Cartman, they gave him an anal probe." Kyle said, mistaking her laughing for skepticism. She only laughed harder. "Heh, heh, that's a, that's, that's a little joke. Heh, heh." Cartman said nervously.
"Mr. Garrison, seriously, I have to go. Can I please be excused from class?" Kyle asked. "I don't know, Kyle. Did you ask Mr. Hat?" Mr. Garrison asked. "I don't want to ask Mr. Hat, I'm asking you!" Kyle said, angrily. "Oh I think you should ask Mr. Hat." Mr. Garrison insisted.
"Mr. Hat, may I please be excused from class?" Kyle asked. "Well, Kyle, no! You hear me?! You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!" Mr. hat yelled. "Hmm, guess you'll have to take your seat, Kyle." Mr. Garrison said. "Damn it!" Kyle yelled. "You probably should have just spoken to him from the beginning." Jack said. Ellie started laughing again. "Hah, hah. Mr. Hat yelled at you." Cartman joined in the laughing.
Suddenly, fire shot out of Cartman's butt. "Ow, my ass!" He yelled. "Dude!" Kyle exclaimed. "Damn, Cartman!" Stan shouted. "Uh, Ow, my ass!" Cartman yelled, as more flames came out. "Dude, he's farting fire!" Kyle announced, making my narration redundant.
"It's the alien anal probe. It's shooting fire from Cartman's rectum!" Stan explained. "I don't think anal probes are supposed to do that." Jack said. This wasn't far from the truth; The probe was damaged. But that's a story for another chapter based on another episode.
"No, that was just a dream." Cartman rejected the truth. "Eric, do you need to sit in the corner until your flaming gas is under control?" Mr. Garrison asked. "No, Mr. Garrison, I'm fine." Cartman said, right before lighting Pip on fire with another flaming fart. Ellie fell out of her seat laughing, while Pip ran out of his seat screaming.
...
Another set of hours later...
The class was having lunch. "We have to find a way to get out of class and see what the visitors are doing!" Ellie said. "No we don't. You just want to skip class." Jack said. "Yeah, so I can see the Visitors!" She insisted.
Suddenly, a fire alarm went off. "Uh, I think Cartman burned another student." Jack said. Obviously. If he burned Pip again, there would be no alarm. Because no one likes Pip. "Let's get out of here, so we can see the Visitors!" Ellie ran away. "Dammit!" Jack said, before following her.
...
Jack found Ellie, across the street from the Boys, who were looking at a flying saucer. "Look!" She said, pointing to the space craft. It shot Kenny with some kind of laser gun, sending him flying over their heads. "Oh my God! They've killed Kenny!" Stan yelled. "You bastards! Come back here! Coomme baack!" Kyle yelled, as the flying saucer left. "Look, he survived!" Jack said. Suddenly, cows ran over him. "Oh my God! They've killed Kenny!" He yelled. "No they didn't." Ellie noted, as Kenny got up, to be hit by a police car. "Now they've killed Kenny." She said. "You bastards!" Jack yelled.
Everyone walked to Kenny's dead body. "Wow, Poor Kenny." Stan said. He was already poor to begin with. Now, he's destitute and dead. "Now do you believe us, Cartman?" Kyle asked. "No!" He answered. Cartman is still in denial. "Cartman, they killed Kenny!" Stan reminded. "Those Bastards!" Jack added. "He's not dead." Cartman said. "Yes, he is." Jack countered. Ellie started kicking Kenny's dead body. "Shut up, you guys!" Cartman said. Ellie kicked Kenny's head off. "Doesn't get much deader than that." Jack said.
"God damn it, I didn't have an anal probe! Screw you guys, I'm goin' home!" Cartman yelled, as he left. "Go on and go home, you fat chicken!" Stan yelled. "Dildo!" He yelled back. "Well, The aliens are gone, and schools closed. I'm going home now." Jack said. "Seriously?! After what they did to Kenny!" Ellie asked. Jack ignored her. "Well I'm not leaving." Ellie said. She then saw rats climbing onto Kenny's corpse and ran away screaming.
...
Only a few minutes later, they were home. Leonard Henderson was watching the news. "As the reports of UFO sightings increase, more mysterious crop circle patterns are appearing in fields all around South Park. These crop circles, when viewed from above, form strange patterns." The news said.
"Hey, that looks like that fat kid from your school!" Leonard said to his children. "What?" Ellie asked, running to look. She saw Cartman shaped crop circles. "Oh. Must be some stuff about his anal probe." Jack said. "Anal probe?" Leo asked. "Yeah. Some aliens probed him in the butt last night." Jack said. "Huh. Sucks to be him." Leonard said. "I'm going to go warn them!" Ellie exclaimed.
...
About an hour later...
"...and now I have to go home without him and my parents are going to have me killed." Kyle finished explaining the story so far to Wendy at Stark's Pond.
"Well, why don't you go get the fat kid?" Wendy asked. "Why?" Kyle asked. "Well, if the fat kid has something implanted in his ass, maybe the visitors are using him as part of their plan. You should use the fat kid as bait to bring them back." Wendy said. "Hey. You're right, Wendy. Come on, Stan, we have to go get Cartman." Kyle said. "Come on, Stan!" Wendy said. Stan puked, something he does whenever Wendy talks to him. Until the running gag got thrown away, kinda like Stan's last meal. "Eew!" Wendy said. Shut up, it was clever! "Hey, wait. When do I get to make sweet love?" Stan asked.
Ellie finally arrived, after running across the town to meet them. "Guys... Cartman's probe... The aliens want it back..." She said, while struggling to catch her breath. "We just figured that out." Stan said. Ellie collapsed onto the snow surrounding the frozen pond, too exhausted to continue standing.
...
"Eric, look who's here." Liane Cartman, Cartman's mom said, as she escorted Cartman's visitors (Not the aliens) to their living room. "Dude, weak, mom." Cartman said. "Come on Eric, we can go play at the bus stop." Kyle said. The bus stop: an iconic South Park location the boys hang out at. For some reason. "I can't. My mom said—" Cartman made an excuse. "That's okay, Eric, I think you need to go spend time with your little friends." Liane interrupted.
"But maym, I don't want to spend time with my little friends." Cartman whispered. "Don't be difficult, Eric! Now, you go out and play in the fun snow." His mom insisted. "God damn it!" Eric yelled. Mr. Kitty ran past while burning. "Was that a burning cat?" Ellie asked. Smells like burning fur, so probably.
...
"You guys, I have to get home." Cartman said. He was tied to a tree. "Don't be such a fraidy cat, Cartman. This rope will make sure they can't take you on board again." Kyle said. As long as the rope isn't lit on fire by flaming gas. "Oh man, this sucks." Cartman tried to pull his leg free, but the rope was too well tied. "How come the visitors aren't coming for him?" Kyle asked. Cartman farted, sending fire. "Ow!" He yelled.
"Hey, he's like Rudolph!" Wendy exclaimed. "Cartman the fatassed reindeer!" Ellie chimed. "Yeah! All you have to do is fart some more, Cartman, and the visitors are sure to come!" Kyle yelled. "Really? Uh, I don't think I have to fart anymore tonight." Cartman lied. "Sure you do!" Kyle said. "Come Cartman, fart!" Stan shouted. "I don't wanna!" He shouted back. "Just do it!" Ellie yelled. Shia Lebeouf meme isn't even a thing yet. "Fart damn you!" Kyle demanded, losing patience.
"Okay, that's does it! Now listen! Why is it that everything today has involved things either going in or coming out of my ass?!" Cartman yelled, as the anal probe created a giant satellite. "I'm sick of it! It's completely immature." He would know immature. He's the least mature character the entire series.
"Hey, it's happening again." Stan said. Apparently, this happened moments before Kenny's death. "Whoa, look at that!" Kyle said. "It's fucking huge!" Ellie exclaimed. It's a anal probe. What did you expect? "Now, do you believe us, Cartman?" Stan asked. "You guys can't scare me! I know you're making it all up." Cartman said. "He's in denial. or something." Ellie said. I already said that!
...
Leonard Henderson looked out his window. "Oh shit! They're here!" he ran to see the Vistors before they leave. "Jack, you can do whatever you want until I get back!" He yelled, as he left. "You let me do whatever I want anyway." Jack muttered, even though he knew Leo couldn't hear him.
...
"Come down here, you stinking aliens!" Kyle yelled. Three teleported. "Uh–Uh..." Kyle stammered. "Go on, Kyle, ask 'em for your little brother back." Stan said.
"Vi–Visitors, this morning you took my little brother, Ike. He's the little freckled kid that looks like a football. At first, I was happy you took him away. But I've learned something today. That having a little brother... is a pretty special thing." Kyle made his first of many speeches. "Yeah." Stan said. "Ah, heck, Mr. Visitors, I'm just a kid all alone in this crazy world, but if you could find it in your hearts or whatever you have, to give my brother back to me, it sure would make my life brighter again." Kyle finished his speech.
"Dude, they're leaving." Ellie noted. The visitors don't speak english. They have no idea what Kyle is saying.
"Hey, you scrawny-eyed [REDACTED], what the [REDACTED] is wrong with you?! You must be some kind of [REDACTED] [REDACTED] to be able to ignore a crying child!" Kyle yelled. "Whoa dude!" Stan exclaimed. "You know what you [Redacted] like! You like to [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] and [REDACTED]!" Holy crap. Sounds like Jack's anger translator. "Hey Wendy, what's a [REDACTED]?" Stan asked. Wendy shrugged.
The aliens opened part of their ship. Ike made it to the opened dock/door (I have no idea how the ship's design works) but was too scared to do anything. "Ike, jump down, now! For the love of God, Ike, jump!" Kyle yelled. "Don't hurt me." Ike said. "Come on, Ike! I promise I'll be nice to you from now on!" Kyle shouted. "Don't kick the baby." Ike said.
"Hey, the aliens only wanted to talk to the cows!" Ellie yelled, noticing that they were talking to the cows nearby. Then what the fuck did they need the probe for? Why is Ike on their ship? This plan makes no sense! "Ike! Do your impersonation of David Caruso's career!" Kyle yelled. Time for some high quality satirical jokes. "It's my turn!" Ike said, as he fell off of the ship, landing in the snow, dropping like David Caruso's—Wait a minute...
"You guys, get me down from here!" Cartman yelled. He lit the rope on fire with another fart. "Ow! Help! Sons o' bitches! Dildos!" Cartman yelled, as he got abducted. Again. And from that momment, every time someone landed a flying object near Cartman, he would cover his butt. Literally.