Author's note: This is another story I wrote a long time ago.
Disclaimer: Joss owns it all. I am not Joss.
X X X X X
Part OneThey tried the spell of return three times. The third time, after she, Giles and Angel had gone over everything, they hoped and prayed it would succeed.
It didn't. She opened her eyes and saw her vampiric self still standing there with a petulant look on her face. "Bored!" She whined. "Want to go home and have fun!"
"I don't understand it. This is the reverse of the spell you cast earlier tonight, isn't it, Willow?" Giles asked.
"Yes! She should be home by now, sucking the blood from innocent victims."
The vampire Willow shifted in place and moved a step towards Willow, smiling. Willow did not like that smile, oh no, no she didn't. The vampire said, "All this talk of blood is making me hungry." Willow took an identical step backwards.
Thankfully, Buffy moved forward. "Back off on the appetite there, Willow de Sade," she said. "You're not attacking anyone here." Giles and Angel were looking intently at the spell.
"Can I attack someone not here?" The vampire asked teasingly. "I'll make it someone you don't like, promise." Her eyes narrowed as she scanned the room and saw Anya. "How about her?"
Anya said, "Hey! After all I did for you!" That was the second suspicious thing the girl had said. And why was she helping the vampiress anyway?
"Got my vampires killed. Did nothing for me except get me involved in a big fight. I lost, you know. I hate losing." She paced toward the girl, and Buffy circled as well, keeping between the vampire and her intended prey.
Willow broke off the incipient fight by tapping her double on the shoulder. "Um--excuse me--" then backed off when the vampire turned with its game face on. Anya took advantage of the distraction and bolted for the door.
The vampire immediately shifted her face back to human. "Scared off my food! No fun at all!" Then her petulance dimmed and a quirky smile came to her face. "Unless you're in the mood for snuggling?"
Xander--who until now, had just been hanging in the background ready to back Buffy's play--said, "Would you knock that off? It's giving me a really creepy feeling!"
"Me too, actually," Oz interjected.
"Jealous, Xander?" The vampire said mischievously. "Could always turn my attention to you instead."
"I'd prefer that," Oz said, which earned him a glare from Xander.
"Okay," Buffy said loudly. "You're not turning your attention to anyone right now. You can wait to eat until you get home."
"No takeout?" the vampire Willow sighed.
Then Giles spoke up. "I'm afraid I rather have some bad news on that front. It seems we need the original casters to complete the spell. That would be, be you, Willow..."
..."and Anya," Willow concluded.
"Yes," Giles answered. "Speaking of whom--"
"She bolted when leathergirl here decided she was hungry," Buffy said.
"Didn't know she'd be needed for the spell," the vampire said. "Don't know much about spells at all. They bore me."
"Is there anything that doesn't bore you?" Xander snapped
"Torture, sex, drinking blood," the vampire said matter-of-factly.
Xander paled and Willow looked around at everyone. "So, what do we do now?" Buffy's hand moved gingerly towards her stake, but stopped at Willow's firm headshake and resolve face. Then Willow had an idea. She looked directly at her counterpart and said, "You DO want to go back to your world, right?"
The vampire nodded her head in a way that eerily mocked Willow's own. "Want to go back and play with the puppy." Her eyes glowed as she looked up at Angel. "Puppy!" she said excitedly. "Want to go play? Willow won't hurt you...much."
Angel just stood there and blinked. Willow did not want to hear what Angel's life was like in the other universe if her counterpart was treating him like this and calling him a puppy. Oh, no, she wasn't like this vampire at all! "Well, then," Willow said. "We need to find Anya to send you back...and that might take a while. Promise right here and now not to kill anyone, or drain anyone's blood, and we'll let you live until we can find a way to get you back." The vampire seemed hesitant; Willow said. "Promise, or you're on your own and you'll never get back."
With a martyred, suffering look on her face, the vampire said, "Oh, very well. But hurry. Willow is bored...and I don't think you'd like me when I'm bored."
Willow noticed the looks of doubt on everyone else's face. She didn't blame them, she had doubts herself. But if they all kept an eye on the vampire--well, they'd make it work.
They had to.
X X X X X
Well, it was a week later, and so far the truce was holding, though uneasily. They'd all agreed to not let Faith in on the existence of Willow-the-Vampire, remembering her initial reaction to Angel and her current state of mind, which neither Buffy, Giles nor Angel trusted entirely. Wesley and Cordelia already knew something -- Cordy seemed a bit relieved to hear the full story, saying, "Well, I AM glad to not see you dead, Willow. I mean, I still hate your guts for being a boyfriend-stealing slut and all, but it would have kind of sucked for Buffy if she'd had to kill you." And Cordelia, of course, had no problems with keeping it a secret.
Wesley had been several shades more dubious. Through Giles and Buffy threatening to strip him naked and leave him tied up in the graveyard, though, he also agreed to neither tell Faith nor inform the Watcher's Council of the existence of a second Willow.
There had been a few incidents--Willow-the-Vampire seemed to specialize in teasing Buffy, Angel, and Giles, who were keeping close tabs on her. She'd come close to a bite, or put on her vampire face and then back off at the last minute right as she was about to be interrupted. As a consequence, though, Faith was doing most of the Slaying solo. The Willowvamp was getting tremendous jollies from making sure watching her was a 24-7 occupation.
Denied the opportunity to practice her cruelty on humans, the vampire instead spent some time folding, spindling and mutilating the local vamps, who for the most part were far weaker than she was. This was somewhat helpful to the two Slayers -- but even Faith was coming back from some of the encounters with the victims feeling vaguely nauseated. Her counterpart apparently had something of a gift for inventive sadism. Was this also within her?
And then there had been that incident in the Bronze where Willow had been dancing to one of Dingoes Ate My Baby's songs...and had suddenly found the vampire there, in full leather regalia, dancing with her as provocatively as she could. Everyone on the place turned to watch when Willow grabbed her other self and brought the dancing to a halt.
"What's the matter, Willow?" the vampire said with an evil grin, the only kind she ever seemed to have. "Don't like getting down with your bad self?" Willow dragged the vampire off the dance floor.
"Are you crazy?" she demanded. The Willowvamp nodded her head vigorously. Clenching her teeth, Willow said. "Don't do that. How am I supposed to explain a second me?"
The vampire shrugged. "Not my problem. Not part of our deal." Then she looked around the room, where things were getting back to what Sunnydale laughingly called normal. "Bored now. Bye." And before Willow could say anything else, her "bad self" walked out the front door of the Bronze into the night.
When Dingoes' set ended a few minutes later, Oz came running up to Willow. "Are you alright?" he asked, concern evident in his eyes and voice.
Willow answered, "Yes. It's just so frustrating, you know? We haven't found Anya yet, so we can't do the spell, and I don't want to watch myself get staked--"
"Why?" Oz asked. "I mean, it'd be hard for me, but I know it isn't you."
"Because that IS me, in a way! Buffy and Angel tried to tell me that the vampire's personality has nothing to do with the person they used to be, but I know better. Angel's a very bad liar. The Willowvamp--the qualities she has--they're in me. She is me, except for a bad day."
"I don't buy that," Oz said. "You're right--the personality thing and all--but you're also wrong. The vampire is you, after a bad day, with a demon in charge, not a person, and minus absolutely everything that defines your present Willowy goodness. What's left isn't you. Not even after the worst day of your life."
"I don't know, Oz, I just--and it's also my fault she's here!"
"Partly, yes. Mostly Anya's. Don't be so down on yourself. Everyone makes mistakes." His lips curled up in a faint smile, and with a mildly self-mocking tone, he added. "Even me every once in a while."
Willow's eyes widened. She could tell that Oz was trying to make her feel better by distracting her, and what the heck, let it work for now. "You, Oz? You never make mistakes. You're perfect."
"Didn't you hear us? I accidentally tried to go for a fourth chord. They probably heard the tritone in San Diego..."
Things finally came to a head, though, a few days later. Giles, Wesley, Faith and Buffy were out of town for the day--more training for the obstacle course, because, as Wesley said pedantically, "It is a well established truth that vampires and demons can just as readily hole up in the wilderness as in a city, and one must be prepared for every potential contingency. Why, I myself..." After that Willow had tuned him out--and she'd probably been the last one to do so.
In any event, at some point during the weekend the Willowvamp escaped Angel's scrutiny and took the opportunity to push the envelope.
X X X X X
Joyce Summers heard a knock on the door and went to open it. "Hello, Willow," she told the leatherclad young woman standing there. "What brings you here?" Then she scanned the outfit again. "On your way to a costume party?"
"Bored, tired, needed a change."
"I don't know," Joyce said. "It just doesn't seem like you, that's all." She finished drying the glass she was holding.
"I'm not me, though; I'm someone else."
A bit puzzled, Joyce replied. "Well, you do look like it."
"Can I come in, then?"
"Sure--but Buffy's not here, you know. She's off in the country doing some kind of Slayer practice." Then Joyce stepped back to let the younger woman enter. Oddly, Willow looked around intently, appearing to drink in the details of the house. This was odd; she'd been there several times before.
"I know," Willow said. "Like I said, needed something to do." She slowly paced the floors, eventually ending up in the kitchen.
Putting the glass and towel down, Joyce said, "Well, what about Xander and Oz?"
"This Xander just isn't any fun. And Oz is out with his girlfriend."
Now Joyce was even more confused. "I thought you were his girlfriend." She'd heard nothing about them breaking up again. And what was that about this Xander? Something wasn't right here.
"No," Willow answered languorously. "That's the other Willow." Joyce angled her head to look at the young woman, slowly backing away...as Willow's familiar if oddly made up face was suddenly replaced with that of a vampire.
Oh God...poor Buffy!
What, what was it, stakes, none of them, crosses, holy water...she suddenly realized that standing in place wasn't doing her any good and started to run. Also, to scream.
"Where are you going? I won't hurt you...I promised I wouldn't hurt you...Willow just wants to have a little fun."
Joyce was too panicked right now to believe or not believe; her whole existence was focused on, Vampire! Run! Hold on, Buffy's room had all the anti-vampire stuff. She sprinted upstairs to Buffy's room and slammed the door shut, the vampire calling after her, "C'mon! You're not making this easy..."
At one point Buffy had shown her the false bottom on her big trunk, where she hid all her holy water and stakes and other vampirehunting stuff. Frantically, she cleaned it out and fumbled for a catch. As the Willow-like vampire opened Buffy's bedroom door, Joyce finally pulled it open and grabbed a cross, holding it up nervously in front of her.
The vampire frowned. "See, all I wanted to do was cause a little trouble, and you had to go and make it serious again." She walked slowly around the bed by the window, and Joyce held the cross higher, terrified of what was about to happen next.
Suddenly two black-clad arms reached into Buffy's window, grabbed the vampire Willow and removed her from the room. Then Angel--whom Joyce was glad to see even if she didn't trust him--poked his head in the window and said, "Mrs. Summers. Are you alright?" Too stunned to do anything else, Joyce nodded her head. "Good. I--someone--will call you tonight and explain what happened. I have to go now..." Then he jumped down off the roof and charged towards the vampire, who was only now getting up from the ground.
Then the enormousness of what had just happened came crashing down on her as she collapsed heavily onto Buffy's bed.
She didn't actually faint until she opened the front door ten minutes later and it was Willow...
a human Willow.
X X X X X
Later that night, Xander, Willow, Oz and Angel congregated in the library. The vampire was back in the same place she'd been a few weeks previously, locked inside the rare books cage, unconscious from a combination of a blow to the head by Angel and a couple of tranquilizer darts fired by Willow.
Xander said, "Okay, that tears it. I'm sorry, Will, I really am--but attacking Joyce is it. We've had no luck finding Anya, so we can't cast the spell to send her back--"
Willow said, quietly, but firmly, "I know what you're going to say next, and no, we are not going to stake her. Options?"
Xander was a lot more under control than Willow had seen him in a long time, or maybe he'd just gotten more mature. Angrily, but not explosively, he answered, "Are we going to wait until she does real damage, then? Maybe until she kills someone?"
"Maybe there's another version of the spell to send her back?" Oz asked. "One that doesn't need Anya?"
"No," Willow said. "Giles and I have been searching every spellbook we can come up with, plus the internet, and nothing! If only Amy wasn't still a rat -- no matter how much I've been practicing, I'm not up to her level, she's been exposed to it pretty much all her life--"
"But Amy's not available," Angel said calmly. "Which means we can't send her home--"
"And," Xander said, "She's. Not. Staying. Here. Not any longer."
"Xander--" Willow protested.
He interrupted. "Don't give me your resolve face, Will, because this time around it's not going to do any good. We gave her a chance, we gave you a chance to find her a way home. It didn't work."
Willow looked around the room for support. Angel shook his head sadly, and Oz--"Oz?" she said hopefully. No answer. She said his name again, more pleadingly. Surely he'd understand--
But he didn't. "Willow, she's not you. This is not an identity thing, really." Xander looked at Oz in amazement. Probably as stunned as Willow was that her boyfriend wasn't sticking by her.
"Three against one, Will," Xander said calmly. "You lose." Getting up, he rooted around behind the circulation desk to look for the crossbow.
Thinking frantically, Willow said. "Wait! Maybe there's another way!" She rooted around in her book bag until she found IT, still lying at the bottom. Gingerly she unwrapped it and showed it to everyone present.
Angel blinked. "That might work..." he said slowly, "but what are you doing carrying around an Orb of Thesula?"
Xander, who'd just retrieved the crossbow, said, "Easy enough. She had it ready in case Buffy ever gave you the big happy again and you turned back into a mass murderer. Right?" Angel raised an eyebrow at Xander's description but didn't say anything.
"Never hurts to be prepared," Willow answered defensively. "So? Might this work?"
"It...might," Angel answered slowly. "But there are ramifications--we should wait at least until Giles is here to give us his opinion."
"I don't like it," Xander said. "We'd be taking one hell of a chance. I still say we stake her now and have done with it."
But Willow looked around the room and this time the opinion seemed to be in her favor. Oz said, "I'm not the expert here. I'll go along with Angel."
"Three to one," Xander muttered. "Okay, I know when I'm outvoted. But we wait until Giles gets back. Agreed?"
Willow nodded her head slightly. "Well then," Angel said, "I'll take her back to the mansion. Those chains I used on Faith should be enough to hold her."
"I'll be back in a second," Willow said. "I need to, you know..." Then, unobtrusively fingering the Orb with her left hand, she strolled quietly towards the restroom...
once past it, she began to run. No way, no way, was she going to give up the chance. Who knows what might happen in a couple of days? The vampire might break loose again, and she didn't want to risk that. And she couldn't, couldn't bear the thought of watching herself die.
The ingredients for the spell were easy enough to obtain. She had the words memorized, and in a pinch it could be cast by two people. The question was now, where would she find the other person?
X X X X X
Oz paced the library. The vampire was still lying unconscious in the cage, having been shot once more by Xander while they tried to find Willow. It had taken them about ten minutes to realize that she'd been gone longer than she should have been, and another five for Angel to check all the nearby public restrooms, Xander and Oz being culturally unwilling to do so. Thank God, no signs of a struggle, so Willow probably hadn't been killed or captured. The bad side of that meant that she probably had gone to try to cast the ritual of soul restoration on her own.
Xander and Angel had gone out separately to canvas the town, Xander to the residential area, Angel to everywhere else, trying to find and stop her before she cast the spell. Too late Oz thought to mention that once before he'd been able to track Willow down...and someone had to stay here to keep an eye on the vampire in Willow guise.
That's why he paced.
Angel came back first. "No luck," he said. "She's not at any of her usual haunts."
"This is Willow," Oz answered. "She's not going to tell someone who doesn't already know."
Then Xander entered. "Amy's still a rat; that was the first thing I checked. And when I called Cordy--took me ten tries to get her to pick up the phone--all she did when I asked her if she was going to help Willow is laugh hysterically. She hadn't stopped by the time I hung up two minutes later."
"You--you--me--Amy--Cordelia. Buffy and Giles are out of town, so everyone's covered. This is a good thing." Oz breathed a sigh of relief.
"I hope, once she realizes she can't do it alone, she'll come back and we can figure out what to do from there," Angel said.
The library phone rang. Xander got to it first--and ten seconds later, his expression changed in a way Oz had never seen. "No," he said tonelessly into the receiver. "We'll be right there." Then he hung up and turned to the rest of the group, pain and shock plain on his face. "You were wrong, Oz. We didn't have everyone covered."
X X X X X
Angel stayed behind, reluctantly, to watch over the vampire as Xander and Oz rushed outside. As they got into the van, Oz fumbled for the keys, dropped them on the ground, picked them up, dropped them again and started cursing. When he finally got hold of them again his hands were shaking so badly he couldn't fit the keys to the ignition. Gently, Xander took them, installed the guitarist into the passenger seat, and drove them down to the hospital.
They ran through the doors into the Emergency Room waiting area, where they stopped short of one of the chairs. Xander asked the woman sitting there, "What happened!"
"I--I'm not sure," Joyce Summers answered. "I mean, she came over and had some kind of ritual she wanted me to help her in--she said it would stop vampires from coming in at all, invited or not--and you know me, I'm none too keen on living around all these supernatural things anyway, so I agreed to let her help. And then we finished the ritual and, and she just collapsed. She was breathing, but nothing else, I called the hospital, and I called you. I tried to call her house, but no one was home, and Xander, did I do anything wrong?"
Oz spoke first. "No one would be home," he said numbly. "Out until later. I'll go try again." He wandered off towards the pay phones.
With everyone else in hysterics, Xander had to be the strong one. "No, Mrs. Summers," he said, giving the woman a brief hug. "You couldn't have known. That spell Willow was casting--had nothing to do with protecting you from vampires." How could Willow lie like that? That wasn't like her at all. "I'm sure she would have told you the truth once it was over. It was really to give that Willowvampire a soul. So the rest of us wouldn't kill her."
"I don't--" Joyce began. "I mean, why didn't she tell me the truth?"
"I don't know," Xander answered, and then they sat in silence for a few minutes. Of course Xander knew. Had Willow told the truth, Joyce might not have helped--and then they wouldn't be in the hospital.
God damn that vampire. All of this was her fault. And if anything happened to his best friend--
Staggering, Oz came back from the phones. "Just got in. On the way here..." he trailed off and Xander looked up to find out why. A woman, clearly one of the hospital's doctors, was walking up to Joyce Summers.
"Excuse me," the doctor said. "You brought Miss Rosenberg in?"
"Y-yes," Joyce answered. "What's the news?"
"I'm sorry to have to tell you this," the doctor began. "But as of five minutes ago--and we have no idea why at all--she just stopped breathing. We're still trying to revive her, but it doesn't look good--"
Those were the last words Xander heard. He still had Oz's keys. He stormed outside into the parking lot and drove off in the van back towards the high school. Once he explained things, he was sure even Angel would agree:
The Willowvampire had to die.
Angel stood behind the library's circulation desk and prayed. He rarely did, but if there was a more appropriate time he couldn't think of one. Even during the events of Christmas, he had never prayed for himself, and he still had doubts as to whether he was worthy of God's attention.
He had no such doubts about Willow. She was the only one who'd consistently stuck up for him; the only one who'd never expressed doubts that he could one day be restored. She was a good person.
And so he prayed for her life. Repeatedly, incessantly, to whatever being or power had spared him, he begged. So absorbed was he in pleading for Willow's life that it barely registered on him when the vampire in the cage got up and screamed.
After five seconds of this, it finally sank in. He grabbed the tranquilizer rifle from behind the counter and was about to fire when the Willowvamp threw her hands up and said "No, no, no, no..." and sank to her knees, weeping. "I remember," she shrieked. "But--"
Was it possible? Could the ritual of restoration have worked?
Further conversation revealed that the answer was far more complex than a simple yes or no...
and, also, far more troubling.
On his way into the school Xander broke a branch off a tree so he wouldn't need to waste time scrounging for a stake in the library. Luckily, he got a sharp point on the first try, and slammed through the double doors with murderous intent.
Something he did not expect to see was Angel talking quietly with the vampire, who looked extremely upset, as though she'd been crying. The phrase was corny, and he'd always hated when his father told it to him, but he was going to give her something to cry about. For about five seconds.
..."alright," Angel was saying. "There has to be a way to--" he broke off and turned to Xander. "Oh. What happened in the hospital?"
"Willow just died," Xander said. "Willow just died, and I come back and find you chatting away with the killer."
"Uh, Xander--" Angel said, but Xander wasn't in the mood.
"Willow stopped breathing ten minutes ago," he interrupted. "She wouldn't be dead if she hadn't been trying to save her. Way I see it, that makes her responsible, so get out of my way so I can make her dead."
Again Angel said, "Xander--" as the Willowvamp stood inside the cafe with a stunned look on her face.
"Look, deadboy, I'm willing to concede you're on the side of the good guys at the moment. But if you keep getting in my way, I'll forget that. Capisce?" He brandished the branch in front of him, swinging it from side to side like a sword.
Irritably, Angel reached out and snatched the stick from Xander's hands, snapping it in two. "Xander!" he said. "That isn't--"
Rage practically boiling, Xander screamed and charged the male vampire. Angel grabbed him and held on tightly. Xander kept struggling, but Angel held firm, not letting him go, not letting him attack. Eventually he ran out of fight, and breath, and sank to the floor. "It isn't fair!" he yelled. "It isn't...fair..." No. He would not break down in front of Angel. He had to be strong.
And he didn't, but it was a near thing. Had Angel said anything, offered words of comfort, he might have snapped. But the vampire was sensitive enough not to, and waited until Xander stood up again before saying anything.
"Now," Angel said quietly, "I understand why you're so upset. But there's something even more important than what you were saying. The spell worked--"
Xander began to speak, but at a look from Angel decided silence would probably be his best option.
"Let me finish my sentence," the vampire said. "The spell worked -- but it couldn't work across universes. So since it couldn't find that Willow's soul, it took the only one available." The anger drained out of Xander and was replaced by a disbelief, a numbness, a despair. No. He couldn't mean...
But he did. That was why Willow had stopped breathing -- her soul hadn't been in her body any longer. Angel stepped aside and let Xander approach the cage, almost in tears. And there she was, oh it was her, no question, as he found out after a few minutes of quiet, stricken conversation. His best friend Willow...
now and forever, trapped inside the body of a vampire.
Angel snuck a still-stunned Willow off to the mansion, along with a dozen or so of Giles' books, and left Xander there to tell Joyce and Oz. They privately agreed that at least for the moment the Rosenbergs shouldn't be let in on the secret, and neither should Faith or Wesley, for that matter. Cordelia--well, given what had happened, he really didn't give a damn, and neither did Angel.
Oz reacted as he'd been reacting all night: with complete and utter numbness. Paradoxically, Joyce seemed somewhat relieved that the real Willow hadn't died, as if this wasn't a fate literally worse than death. She made it home okay on her own, but Xander had to practically tuck Oz into bed, the werewolf was still so out of it.
Nothing happened after that until Buffy, Giles, Wesley and Faith came back to town. Practically forcing a smile onto his face Xander made nice until he could get Buffy and Giles alone. The wait was sheer agony, and if Wesley had stayed in that library five more minutes Xander would likely have killed the pompous ass.
Then, finally, finally, he could stop being strong.
X X X X X
Oh, no...just two weeks ago, she and Giles and Xander were sitting in this very room mourning the fact that Willow was a vampire. It seemed that only their timing had been off.
On the verge of completely breaking down, Xander sputtered out what had happened...and she and Giles just sat there in numb disbelief. After he finished, Buffy stood up and said, "I'm going over to the mansion."
Giles stood up next to her and said, "I'm going with you."
A voice from the doorway said, "No, you're not." All three looked up in unison and saw a haggard-looking Angel standing there. "Right now, she wants to be alone."
"But--" Buffy began.
"No," the vampire answered. "She'll talk with you when she's ready, and not before. Please don't try and come over." He laughed humorlessly. "I think the only reason she's even putting up with me is that I'm helping her get through this."
"We shall abide by her wishes," Giles said, "Much as it pains me to do otherwise."
"Yeah, well," Buffy said, "I hope she decides to talk to us soon. This isn't right, you know? Not knowing."
"No," Giles said. "it isn't."
In one sense, Willow talked to them the next day; in another sense, the wait was decades long. Angel escorted her into the library after dusk, at a time when Wesley was preoccupied with Cordelia and Faith was off somewhere partying hearty. Finally, she walked into the library...still wearing the vampire's leather outfit, though with a black, nonfuzzy sweater covering the top, and no makeup at all. Buffy, Giles, Oz and Xander all ran up and hugged her. Disturbingly, she said nothing, though she did return the hugs, and waited for everyone to sit back down. It had been a rough couple of days, with all of them grieving but having to fake an entirely different kind of grief convincingly enough to fool the Rosenbergs.
"Giles, here's something you might want to know," Willow began. "It seems that memories and personality are carried in both body and soul. The memories of three separate individuals are warring inside me now. There's the Willow you knew--the demon, who's oh god! so strong at times it scares me, and all of her memories of enjoying torture and pain and finding it disturbingly erotic. And then there's the Willow who was in that other universe as well, the me of two years ago, the innocent and very shy girl, and she's having a hell of a time dealing with this. Even though her soul isn't her, her memories, and to a large part her personality, are. So you see why I've been hiding myself away! I've got even more problems with integration than Angel's had, plus the knowledge that I did -- yet didn't, not at all --commit those horrible acts. I literally don't know who I am anymore."
"Are you...in charge, then, Willow?" Giles asked.
"No!" she said back. "There is no in charge here. There's nothing like that! It's a constant struggle..." She trailed off, and Angel put an arm around her. After a second, she pulled free.
"Willow--" Xander began.
The new vampire said, "I need to redefine myself. It's going to take a while to figure out who this new me is, but it's no 'Willow' you know." Then she looked around and saw everyone's glum face and almost--almost--smiled. "Don't worry. Whatever I decide I am...you'll all be part of it. I promise." Then the pained look settled back onto her face as she turned to look at Oz. "Except...this is the same kind of curse Angel's under, Oz. Being with you might make me happy. Happy enough to break the curse...and I don't want to risk any of you to that possibility." Angel and Buffy both shifted uncomfortably at this.
"I..." Oz stammered. "I am not going to let you break up with me over this. You've lost your parents, your life, your identity, and I'm not going to abandon you now."
Buffy said, "None of us are, Will."
"Thanks...really, I mean it. But then there's the whole who I am issue--"
Oz said, "You accepted me as a werewolf; I can accept you as a vampire. Whoever you turn out to be, I'll love you."
"I hope it's that easy, Oz," she answered. "I really do. I...I love you. But the happiness thing--"
"You'll have to kill me before I give up on you," Oz said determinedly.
Giles added, "Oz speaks for all of us," and Buffy and Xander also nodded.
She and Angel rose to leave. "I still need to sort this out. I mean, this is all my own fault, but there's nothing I can do about it now." There was a very defeated tone in her voice. "It's not over for you," she finished. "Just for me." Then the two vampires walked out the door.
Xander chased after her as she left. "Will," he said. "Wait!"
She turned with her game face on, and Xander, still not used to this, recoiled. "Don't you get it?" she said sadly. "That Willow's dead. I don't know who I am anymore, but it's not her."
Then she wandered away, slowly, down the hall. She was right. Oh, he'd see this vampire again, this Willowesque vampire -- but as he watched her leave, he had the terrible feeling that he'd seen his best friend disappear forever.