This is probably the longest fic I've ever written. I hope you like it!
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The Perpetually Complex World of Sportlike Activity: Part One
By Miyako Inoue, Queen of Cheese
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One sunny summer day at the Son household, Goku was sitting on the couch watching the Smurfs. Bulma and Chi Chi had decided to take a much-needed vacation. Which left Goku and Goten all alone, and that can mean only one thing. Trouble is on its way.
Yep, and that trouble started when Goten's cell phone began ringing. He picked it up.
"Hello, Son residence, Goten speaking."
"Is Goku there?"
"Yes, he's here. Hang on, I'll get him."
Goten walked over to his dad and handed him the phone. "It's for you."
Goku grabbed it. "Hello?"
"Goku, this is Kaio. I have some very important news."
"Yes?"
Kaio sighed. "Goku, I'm sorry to tell you this, but some of the villains from your past have... escaped... and are going to be at your house in 20 minutes. I think they said something about sports... can't imagine why... but I think you should gather all your friends up. There's something very weird going on."
"OK, sure, Kaio-sama. But, um, why didn't you just contact me telepathically?"
"Well, I could have done that, but I had to try out my new cell phone."
Goku blinked. "Oh. OK then, see you!"
He hung up. "Hey Goten, would you mind calling your brother? Tell him and his family to be here in 20 minutes. And tell him to call Piccolo, too. Might as well call Trunks, tell him and his dad, and tell them to spread the word."
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20 minutes later....
There was a rather strange mix of people and...other things... hanging out in front of the Son house. Goku and Goten were both there. Gohan, his wife Videl and his daughter Pan had come. Obviously, Gohan had called Piccolo, because he was there too.
Goten had called his best friend Trunks, who had brought his dad, Vegeta.
And he also called Krillin, who brought his wife, # 18. And surprisingly enough, # 18 called her brother, # 17, who came too. Krillin had called Yamcha, and Yamcha brought Puar. Yamcha called Tenshinhan, who brought Chaozu with him.
And for some bizarre reason, Lunch was there too.
Now, you know how phone conversations get. So, Ten was wondering something. "Guys? Why the heck are we here?"
Yamcha was sitting on a lawnchair that he had brought for some reason. "Beats me. Something about a football wanting to destroy the world, I guess."
Then everyone began talking, giving their own little explanations for why they had come.
Goku jumped in. "Guys! Everyone be quiet! I'll tell you why we're here. Kaio-sama contacted me over the cell phone, and said that a bunch of the dead evil guys who we killed are back, and want to play sports!"
Gohan laughed. "Oh, if that's all, well then... wait a minute, what the heck are you talking about?"
Goku was about to answer when out of the sky plopped 16 people. And if you thought the crowd in front of the Son house was weird, well honey, you ain't seen nothing yet. They were extremely... multicolored. Now let's see who was there...
Freeza, King Cold, Zarbon, Dodoria and the Ginyu Force were all present (and just when you thought they were gone for good). Perfect Cell brought three of his little friends with him. And I don't even want to know how Nappa and Radditz got there, but they did. And...
"Dr. Gero!? But I-I killed you! You were dead!!!!" shouted # 17.
# 18 elbowed him in the side. "We killed him, gloryhog. And they were all dead. I think that's kind of the point."
All of the guys who used to be dead started laughing. Not exactly music to anyone's ears. But then Captain Ginyu stepped out of the crowd of people and looked at the Z senshi. "Listen, ladies, I bet you're all wondering why you're here. Well, I'm telling you why."
"Because Santa Claus is coming to town," said Vegita.
"NO!!!" he yelled. He cleared his throat. "And stop mocking us. We have a little deal to make. Either you beat us in a sports competition and we leave, or we kill you all now and take over the world."
That statement caused a few snickers from the Z senshi. And if looks could kill, the one Captain Ginyu gave them would destroy planets.
"Well, I think that offer is pretty good for us, considering the fact that you alone would be able to kill us all in a matter of minutes," said Trunks, sarcasm dripping off every word.
Freeza looked at Trunks rather suspiciously. "Do I know you from somewhere?" he asked.
"I don't believe so," said Trunks.
"All right then."
Captain Ginyu looked rather frustrated. He wasn't getting any attention. "SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME!!!!!"
Everyone was quiet.
"So what do you say? Sports, or die?"
"I think we'll do the sports, OK? Just give us a minute."
Piccolo used his telepathy to call Dende.
"Hi, Piccolo! What's up?"
"Um, we have a little situation on our hands. We're doing sort of a sports tournament, and I think we'll need a referee. And a medic. For them."
"Oh, sure! There's nothing on the TV right now anyway, and it's my day off. Mr. Popo's working overtime."
"Great! How soon can you be- never mind."
Dende was standing right in front of him.
"That was quick." said Piccolo, amazed.
"What did you expect? I'm in charge of the planet."
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15 minutes later...
They had just agreed upon a set of rules, team names, and the order of the tournaments. The rules were: no ki blasts. The team names were: for the bad guys, The Really Evil Dudes. For the good guys, The Charred Monkeys.
Dende got to be the referee, because he, well, he was a god.
"And now," said Dende, glancing at the tournament sheet, "may the tournament begin! Sport number one is... ice hockey!!!"
And as soon as he finished saying that, they were standing around the edges of an indoor ice rink. Dende was in the annoucer's booth with a loudspeaker.
"Fine, " he said. "Now that that's settled, I'll say the rules. Since no one here knows how to play hockey, you just smash each other around on the ice rink. Whoever's team has more conscious people at the end of 5 minutes wins this match! Now pick your 5 players."
The two teams conferred for a couple minutes, and when both were obviously done, Dende resumed his speech.
"Okay, guys, bring out your players!"
At the Really Evil Dudes end of the rink, Nappa, Recoome, Dodoria, Burter and King Cold stood up. At the Charred Monkeys side, Chaozu, Vegita, Krillin, Puar, and # 18 stood up.
Dende seemed rather shocked at the good guys choice of players, but gave them the benefit of whatever doubt he had left. Most of it had died laughing. "Alrighty then," he said. "Everyone, get on your gear!"
"What gear?!" yelled Vegita.
Dende sweatdropped. "Oh yeah."
And before you could say, "Jack Frost ate my grandaddy," they were all wearing iceskates.
"What about pads?" said Chouzu.
"Sorry guys, but that would be cheating. See, you feel more pain and pass out more easily if you don't have pads. So it speeds up the whole process."
After that, the Charred Monkeys' hockey players looked a bit worried.
"Now would both teams players proceed onto the ice."
They did. The Really Evil Dudes' players seemed rather graceful, but the same could not be said for the Charred Monkeys.
Well, Puar and Chouzu didn't even touch the ground. They weren't exactly used to being on the ground, so they hovered over the ice rink.
"Hey," said Recoome, "that's not fair!"
"It's perfectly fair," said Dende. "They have special priveliges. So shut up."
Recoome sort of whined for a while about that, but that's not important.
# 18 was pretty talented, and Dr. Gero kept pointing from the bleachers and yapping about how he programmed her.
As Krillin came onto the ice, though, he kept almost tipping over, and having to hang onto the side to stay up.
Then, it was Vegita's turn to go.
"Hahahaha! Watch this! I'll bet I do this better than any of you."
So he shot out onto the ice at high speed. "Wheee, this is fun!" At that moment, he fell flat on his face.
Dende resumed the commentary. "Vegita always did have a knack for grace. Well, I guess that leaves the Charred Monkeys with 4 people to go. Teams ready...set...go!!!"
Both teams sped off onto the ice. For some reason though, the Really Evil Dudes looked as if they had done this before, which was a very disturbing thought.
Nappa was chasing Puar, and she had to fly like she had never flown before just to keep out of his reach. All of a sudden though, she saw a low bar hanging out onto the ice.
Maybe Nappa won't see it!, she thought.
Since Nappa was so close behind her, she figured it was worth a try. She got up really close to the bar and zipped under it just in time. Unfortunately for Nappa, he just managed to smash right into it. The bar hit him right smack in the middle of his nose. He got this strange, faraway look in his eyes, then crumpled onto the ice.
"Oh," said Dende, "that has got to hurt! Nappa is down, and out cold, leaving the Really Evil Dudes with only 4 people to go, and we still have 4 minutes and thirty seconds left in the game!"
"Well," said # 18, "we can change that now, can't we?"
King Cold and Recoome were coming at her from opposite ends of the rink. They were getting closer, and cackling madly. She got an evil grin on her face, and just as they were about to hit her, she took one step out of the way. Recoome and King Cold smashed into each other head-on.
Dende grinned. "Well, the Really Evil Dudes now have only Dodoria and Burter left, thanks to some quick thinking on the part of # 18. With 2 minutes and 15 seconds left in the game, it looks like the Charred Monkeys may win this one!"
Dr. Gero, from over on the bleachers, started cheering. "That's my girl!!! Go get 'em!"
Cell smacked him on the head. "Whose side are you on?!"
"Oh. Sorry."
Meanwhile, Chouzu was trying to distract Dodoria by flying in circles around his head.
"Aw, is the poor pink marshmallow man getting dizzy? I'm so sorry!" Chouzu started flying towards the other end of the rink.
"You won't get away that easily, you little brat!" Dodoria followed him across the rink.
"Oh, is Mr. Jet Puffed getting angry? Poor thing, allow me to put you out of your misery!"
All of a sudden, Dodoria couldn't see him anymore. Infact he couldn't see anything anymore, because Chouzu was latched on to the back of Dodoria's head, covering his eyes.
"Hey, quit it! No fair, I can't see!"
Chouzu snickered. "Ooops, my mistake." He got off his head.
Unfortunately, he got off just in time for Dodoria to see that he was 2 feet away from the wall, and moving fast.
"MOMMYYYYYYY!!!!!!"
"And... oooohh, that didn't look good. Dodoria just managed to hit the wall, and that leaves almost no hope for the Really Evil Dudes of taking this one home."
Burter was skating towards Krillin, who was still over in the corner hanging onto the wall.
"Why me? Why always me?"
At that moment, he looked over at Burter.
"Oh dang."
He ducked down into the corner and covered his eyes. He waited a couple seconds, then heard most members of his team start cheering. He opened one eye and looked up.
"Huh?"
Burter was on the ice unconscious, with his tongue hanging out. Puar was standing on his head grinning and flashing the peace sign.
"What the-"
Puar made a weird, annoyed little sound. "Didn't you see me do that triple somersault, and hit him in the back of the head with the blade of my iceskate?"
"Um, no, didn't you see me cowering in the corner like a wuss?"
Dende started talking again. "And it looks like the Charred Monkeys win this round! All right people, take a lunch break."
Dende healed the people who were not so well, and they all returned to their respectful places.
The rest of the bad guys team was whining.
The Cell Jrs. were talking about how they never win, Freeza was mumbling something about how his dad was a weenie, and the rest of them were saying words that should not be repeated. Except for Dr. Gero, who was talking about fudgeynoodles.
All of a sudden, Dende was there with his hands on his hips. "All right people, didn't I say move out?!"
They left, mumbling things about the nerve of some kids, but they all left.
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A few minutes later, at the local McDonalds...
The entire group of Z fighters and Dende, minus Gohan who had gone to order food, was seated around the table. Vegita was still bragging. "I could have beat them all in five minutes!" he said.
"Uh huh, sure, and that's why you passed out before we even started," said # 18.
"Shut up. I just wanted to let you guys get the glory for once, that's all," snapped Vegita.
They all rolled their eyes. "Sure, Vegita."
"It's true! Why doesn't anyone believe me?"
Gohan came back, holding about 40 cheeseburgers and enough drinks to go around. "See why I didn't want to go to a classy restauraunt?" said Videl. "It would have cost more than what Bill Gates makes in a year!"
"Yeah,"said Gohan, dropping the burgers on the table. "I see what you mean."
Then they all started to dig in. Except for Piccolo and Dende, who looked very disturbed. 30 seconds later, the cheeseburgers were gone.
"Well, we might as well be heading over to my house to meet the others," said Goku.
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Meanwhile, at the Outback steakhouse...
"This is my favorite restaurant," said Zarbon.
All of the other bad guys were staring at him. "We know," they said in a monotone voice.
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~End Part One~
Wasn't that special? I was bored (it happens A LOT!) and it grew from that… If you'd like me to write more, put it in the review! I need ideas!!!
REVIEW, OR FEEL THE WRATH OF THE MIGHTY GOUDA!!!!