Spells and Candy: The True Story of Hansel and Grettal
How would you like it if some kids came to your house and started defacing it? It surely doesn't make it onto my top ten list of favorite things. In fact its probably on my top ten list of least favorite things. I had been soaking my feet in frog spawn at the time (it helps with my foot pain, I'm prone to warts there). Then, these two children came, and can you believe it? They started to eat my house! The boy started to rip off pieces of the cake & gingerbread roof, and the girl knocked out my sugar-spun windows. Those weren't cheap, mind you. They had cost me twenty gold pieces each – and that was when they were on sale. I sat there, hoping that they would just go away. However, they were too intent on gorging themselves to even think about leaving, or anything else either. The boy was saying something to the girl. What's her name? I can't recall it, something like Gertrude, Gretta... OH! Grettal. So, back to the story. Those kids were eating me out of house and home. Literally. Once I saw that they had no intention on leaving, I decided to take matters into my own hands. I eased my feet out of the frog spawn, grabbed my walking stick, and peeked out to assess the damage.
Three words. It. Was. Bad. The girl – Grettal - had knocked out at least half a dozen of my best windows, and the boy – Harold? No, Hansel - was busily munching on the cake & gingerbread roof. That just about made me want to turn them into frogs and be done with it. Unfortunately, the last time that I cursed humans, The Magical Council of Witches Who Aren't Evil or Corrupted (TMCOWWAEOC) had given me a very stern talking too. I simply had no other option. I had talk to them. "Nibble, nibble little mouse, who is nibbling at my house?" I said in my most honey-coated voice. It ended up sounding like something in between a frog's croak, and breaking glass. And do you know what they said?
" 'Tis Heaven's own child, the tempest wild." Then they continued to stuff their faces, the little brats. I grasped my walking stick firmly, and pushed the door open. You should have seen the look on their faces. It was priceless. They dropped the pieces of my house that they had been eating, and stared at me.
I wanted to say to them "Have you never seen a person before?" But, I remembered TMCOWWAEOC, and decided not to say that just yet. Instead, I found myself saying "Would you like to stay the night and have some dinner?" They seemed hesitant, so I added "It will be pancakes and milk." Now they couldn't control themselves. I took them by their hands, and led them in. For kids who had just eaten a good portion of my house, they ate a lot. Dozens, and dozens of pancakes disappeared down their throats. After they had finished eating, they decided, despite my pleas, to explore the house. Hansel managed to spill some of my best rat bile, and Grettal crushed some of my favorite toadstools. They wouldn't even 'fess up to it. Instead, they blamed it on my cat Hugo. Poor Hugo, he never did anything wrong.
After coming back from their destructive romp around the house, Hansel and Grettal decided they wanted to go to bed. I conjured up two downy beds, and they immediately fell asleep. Finally, some peace and quiet.
I have never had kids. Witches aren't suppose to get married – not that I'm interested in that though. I still have memories of when I was a young child. The village kids would always laugh at me. Whenever I tried to do something, it always turned out wrong. No matter how hard I tried, nothing ever came out right. One of my oldest memories was of the kids screaming, and chasing me. Once I tried to bake a cake for my mother. I don't even want to mention what the results were. These things kept happening to me. Then, TMCOWWAEOC discovered my talents.
Let's face it, if you haven't realized this already, here is the cold, hard fact. I AM A WITCH! No, this does not mean I have a green face, and ride a broom stick. I don't wear a pointy black hat either. In fact, broom travel is extremely uncomfortable, and the hats are very impractical. As for my warts, I got those from an encounter with a rather malicious hag.
Why is your house made of candy, you ask? Well, when I was a young witch, I realized the one thing kids adore most is candy. So, I decided to make my house out of it. I figured if kids noticed I supplied the candy, they would like me. Then, everything would be good, and I would live happily ever after, The End.
Did things happen this way? Obviously not. I'm not that lucky. The first kids that came to my house ran away screaming at the sight of me. The second kid ate some Reece's Peanut-butter cups off of my window sill. That is when he figured out he was allergic to peanuts. The third, and most recent kids are our dear friends - Hansel and Grettal. And you know what happened, right? Wrong. You probably know of the version Hansel and Grettal told everybody. Then, those crazy authors wrote all about it, published it, and made heap-loads of gold. Do you want to know the truth? Do you want to know what really happened? Well, gather around and listen to my tale...
The next thing I knew, it was morning. I bolted out of bed, snatched my walking stick, and hurried over to where Hansel and Grettal were sleeping, er, had been sleeping. Their beds were empty, and the blankets were throw back carelessly. Uh-no, here comes trouble. I walked hastily over to the kitchen, where I could hear banging, and the sound of things breaking. Great, just great. Pots and pans were scattered all over the floor, with Grettal in the middle of the mess. She smiled smugly at me, as if she was saying "Now what are you going to do?"
To be truthful, I did not know what to do. "If you don't behave, you'll get no breakfast!" I threatened. Sadly, that was the best thing I could come up with. Almost immediately, Grettal stopped being obnoxious, and started simpering at me.
"Oh please don't take away my food," she whined, "I'll starve to death!"
Looking at Grettal, I could tell she definitely wasn't in any danger of starving. She had ample weight around her waist. It was Hansel I was worried about. I hadn't seen hide nor hair of him yet this morning. That boy was as skinny as a stick. As soon as I had started to feel bad for the poor boy, I heard an ear-splitting yowl from the den. Hugo! I was in there as fast as my sore feet could carry me. There Hansel was, holding my precious kitty by his tail. Hugo was hissing and trying to claw the boy, but Hansel just looked my kitty with strange fascination.
"Look at it," he said, his voice filled awe. "It's angry, really angry."
"He, not it," I snapped, "You better let go of my cat, or there will be no breakfast for you." While Hansel's attention was diverted, Hugo made a run for it. He wriggled out of Hansel's grasp, streaked across the floor, and outside. Hansel muttered something I couldn't hear. "What did you say?" I asked.
"Never mind," he replied. I took him by the hand, and literally dragged him into the kitchen, where Grettal was pouting.
"I want my breakfast, and I want it now! I want pancakes and milk," Grettal said as soon as I entered the room. Where are your manners?! I gave Grettal a look, and conjured up some pancakes and milk. Quick as lightning, Grettal seized a good portion of the food, and began to cram it down her throat. Hansel wasn't as fast as his sister. He looked over the food, and selected a single pancake. He cut it meticulously into bit-sized pieces. He started munching on them, one at a time.
Meanwhile, Grettal was on her second plate load of pancakes. She kept shoving them into her mouth. How she fit them all in there is still a mystery to me. After she finished the platter, she started eating off of Hansel's plate.
"Hey, don't do that," I said.
Grettal gave me a look. "I do this all the time," she replied. "Hansel doesn't mind." Then, she went back to eating. Glutton. I really had to give Hansel a separate place to eat, and some sort of task that I can use to keep both of them out of mischief.
Then it hit me. It was the best idea ever! I would put Hansel inside the old chicken coop to keep him out of trouble, and so Grettal wouldn't be able to steal his food. Grettal would help me prepare food for her brother. This would serve two purposes. One: keeping Grettal out of trouble. Two: having Grettal get a little bit of exercise. Now, I just needed to gather the materials that I needed for my plan to work.
I would have to figure out how to lure Hansel into the chicken coop. It was long and low, so if I could get Hansel into the back of it, I would be able to shut the door. If only I could remember how to do Holo-Magic! Then, I could form a light-image of Hugo in the back of the cage. Hansel would crawl inside to get the cat, and he would become trapped. Now where did I put that reference book?
After several grueling hours, I finally managed to produce a rather pathetic version of Hugo. The Holo-Cat was definitely disproportionate. It's neck was too short, and it's legs were too long. It's body was short and stubby. The tail resembled a stick. However, it would have to work. I positioned the mirrors, and told Hansel to come over. He did, grumbling.
"What do you want?" He asked in a grumble-whine.
"Never mind," I quickly replied. He did not answer, because he had spotted Holo-Cat. This was part of the plan. As he stalked Holo-Cat, I shifted the mirrors. Holo-Cat entered the coop – or at least he appeared to. Hansel paused for a second.
Go in, I willed him, go in. As if in response to my will power, Hansel stepped into the coop. He took another step. Yes! YES! I thought jubilantly. I bolted over, and shut the door. I jammed the key into the lock, and twisted it. Click! The door was locked. No sooner had I finished this, Holo-Cat disappeared, and Hansel whirled around. In short, he was speechless with shock.
"Wha... How could you!" Hansel stuttered in anger, and confusion.
"It's for your own good," I replied. "Now you'll be able to eat with out Grettal stealing you food. And, you won't hurt my cat."
Horror crossed his face. "You're going to fatten me up and eat me!"
Where do kids get such crazy ideas? I wondered, why would I do such a barbaric thing? I'm not a cannibal! However, it was a good threat, and it would hopefully make Hansel and Grettal behave themselves. I just wouldn't let them know that I have no intentions, what so ever of eating either of them. Step 2: Locate Grettal.
I found her on my first try. It was not surprising, she was located near food. Grettal clearly hadn't realized that breakfast had only been several hours ago. "Grettal darling, come over here," I crooned. She nearly jumped out of her seat.
"W-w-w-why?" she stammered.
"We are going to make a good meal for your brother." I replied.
A look of absolute horror crossed over her face. "You're going to fatten him up and eat him! My poor, poor brother." At this point, Grettal became quite hysterical. I tried to comfort her, but she was inconsolable. Whatever. I would make Hansel his lunch all by myself.
After a couple of weeks had past of Hansel eating on his own, I decided to check on him to see if he was gaining weight or not. If not, I would make richer food for him. When I brought out his mid-day meal, I said to him "Hold your finger through the bars of the coop, and let me see if it is fat." Hansel held out what I automatically assumed to be his finger (my eye sight isn't that great, I need glasses). To my surprise, it was thin. Bone-thin to be precise. Huh. From this, I determined that Hansel needed something good, and rich. It also needed to be hot and appetizing. I knew what to do. I would make one of my granny's secret recipes. Yes, this means that I am not going to tell you the name of it, or any of the ingredients. So there.
I got out my cook book, and got the oven started. I combined all the necessary ingredients, and then I summoned Grettal. "Wadda ya want?" she asked grouchily.
"I'm sorry to disturb you from your snack," I began, "But can you do me a small favor? My knees have been hurting a lot lately so do you mind sticking your head in the oven to see if it is hot enough for cooking?"
Grettal looked terrified. "I'm not goin' in there! You'll eat me!"
"No, Grettal I have no interest in eating you." I replied. However, despite my pleading, Grettal refused to check the temperature. "Fine. I'll do it." Knees creaking, I crouched down next to the oven. I poked my head in. I put my shoulders in. My knees loudly protested, but I inched my torso in. Finally, only my behind was awkwardly sticking out of the oven. Then I heard laughter, and felt a hard push to my behind. Grettal. The door clanged shut. I was (literally) simmering in my anger. I wouldn't be hurt by the flames. Witches can't be killed by fire, everyone know that thanks to Dorothy. My only trouble would reside in finding the hatch that opened the oven from the inside. When I finally found it, and got out of the oven, my house was in ruins. All my precious family heirlooms were gone, stolen by Hansel and Grettal.
I simply knelt on the floor, and wept.