A/N This is just a one-shot inspired by my best friend Hoshi's favorite saying when she's mad. Also Sheik in this is male and his own person.
Disclaimer: Not mine or I wouldn't be writing fanfiction and Link would be gay and having lots of sex with Sheik who would be male and his own person.
Warnings: Slash, Zelda and Ruto bashing, and swearing
Link was normally a very carefree, happy person. He got along with everyone and was very social. He only hated one person and that was Ganondorf but that was understandable. Today was a little different though.
Link stomped into his house in Kakariko and slammed the door shut. "I'm a very angry elf," Link said when Sheik asked him what was wrong. Today Link was having a very, very bad day.
"First, I had to go see Zelda. She once again tried to get me to agree to turn time back. Obviously, I said no which lead to her screaming at me AGAIN. Then, once she calmed down she demanded, no not asked demanded that I give her the Master Sword. I asked her why and she said to put it on display. My sword that is rightfully mine, on display for people to pay money to stare at! When I said no she called the guards on me! So I had to fight the stupid guards of the castle. They weren't even good! It is a total insult to my skills. Once they were all knocked out Zelda asked why would I knock the guards out. I replied "because you set them on me you bitch". Then she started crying because "I was mean to her". Impa heard the princess crying and came running into the throne room. Without listening to my side she started to yell at me. Hearing Impa yell the rest of the sages came in and started saying how disappointed in me they were and how mad they were," Link growled.
"Okay so the visit to the castle was bad, they always are so I don't understand why you're so upset. It's not like we didn't expect something like this to happen when you agreed to go see the princess," Sheik said.
"It gets worse," Link snarled. "Once all the sages finally stopped yelling they said I needed to apologize to Zelda. Zelda said the only way she'd forgive me is if I married her. To which I said "HELL NO". There is absolutely no way I'd even consider marrying that she-devil," Link spat.
"She's still pushing the marriage thing," Sheik asked rhetorically with a sigh.
"Yes," Link said answering it anyway.
"Ok so you said no what happened next?" Sheik asked.
"I left the castle, having to knock a few guards out first. In Castle Town a few Gerudos were there. All five of them jumped me! Eventually, I got away without being raped. Once I was in the fields I called Epona. She didn't come! Afraid something was wrong I ran to Lon Lon Ranch. When I got there was Epona hurt? No. Was she sick? No. What was she doing then? She was flirting with some strange stallion!! Epona is not allowed to have a boyfriend! My little girl can't handle the stress of a relationship! Something would happen he'd probably rape her and get her pregnant or something!!" Link whined pulling at his hair.
"Link, Epona is eight years old(1). She is more then old enough to seek out a mate," Sheik said shaking his head at his overprotective friend.
"NO, no dating till sixteen!"
"In horse years she's older then sixteen," Sheik said.
"To bad for her, no dating till sixteen in HUMAN year," Link snarled
"Okay so your over protective fatherly instincts kicked in. What did you do?"
"I grabbed her and pulled her to her stall. Telling her she's grounded till further notice. What did she do about that? She BIT me, STEPPED on my foot, and KICKED me! Then Malon came into the stable and laughed at me! She did absolutely nothing to help!"
Sheik couldn't help laughing a little at Link's dramatics.
"DON'T LAUGH AT ME," Link screamed.
This only made the Sheikah laugh harder. "Link, calm down, it's not that bad," Sheik said once he calmed down a little.
"I'm not done yet," Link said stomping his foot childishly.
"Ok, continue. I promise I won't laugh."
"When I left the ranch I had to hike through the field to the bridge. On my way there I was attacked SEVEN TIMES by monsters!! All of which were no challenge. What is this, make fun of my skills day?! When I got to the bridge, guess who was in the river? Ruto! She told me since I wouldn't marry Zelda I had to marry her! To which I told her no. This resulted in her almost declaring war between the Hylians and Zoras…AGAIN! Fortunately, her father came and dragged her back to the Zora's Domain saying she was too young to date," Link said frustrated.
"Well that'll get her off your back now. Isn't that a good thing?" Sheik asked calmly.
"Yeah but her father came back a minute later saying if I didn't stop trying to steal his baby away he'd kill me! When I told him I didn't want her he freaked out saying "Is she not good enough for you, you bastard?!" and stuff like that. So when he stopped screaming at me he left. I finally crossed the bridge and went up the staircase that comes into the village. When I entered the village the crazy cucco lady ran over and almost tackled me! She wanted me to get her damned cuccos AGAIN! So after an hour of being pecked, feathers flying, and those annoying noises they make I caught them all. What did she give me for all that trouble? A stupid BLUE RUPEEE! FIVE RUPEES! That's all I got!"
"Link, you could have said no," Sheik said.
"I tried but she made me do it anyway!" Link growled.
"So you've been attacked by Zelda, almost forced to give your sword up, attacked by guards that don't even come close to your skill level, screamed at by the sages, almost raped by Gerudos, gone into a panic because of Epona, saw her with a boy horse, got attacked by Epona, laughed at by Malon, attacked by pathetic monsters, almost forced to marry Ruto, screamed at by her bipolar father, forced to catch cuccos, anything else?"
"Yes, you laughed at me," Link pouted.
"I'm sorry, Hero. I promise I will never laugh at your misfortunes again."
"Good but I'm still a very angry elf."
"Well let me make it all better," Sheik said pulling his cowl down and kissed the hero.
After breaking the kiss Link smiled and asked, "I still feel kind of upset, can you make it even better?"
"Of course," Sheik said with a smile and dragged the hero to the bed.
(1) I figured when Link was ten Epona was about one so after the seven years she'd be eight years old. Also horses can mate at earliest around two so it's not that bad she was seeking a mate Link's just overprotective.
A/N Poor Link but Sheik made it all better. Please review.