We play a game,
Me and him
A game that started the day I met him
On the streets of Baltimore
And tackled him to the ground,
Thinking he was a suspect,
And straddled him,
Staring down into those mirth filled, icy blues
Our game could be considered one of
Cat and mouse
The teasing,
The easy back and forth,
The sexual innuendos.
I still haven't figured out who is who
Some days, he's the cat
The predator
The prowling, menacing predator
Sneaking up on his prey,
Standing way too close
Breathing in my ear
And—
Headslapping me.
Other days, I'm the cat
The instigator of our private teasing matches
That could almost be considered foreplay
Before he cuts them off completely
With a stern glare and a growl
And, of course, a headslap.
He likes to hit me
Our little game
Passes much like a ball
Bouncing back and forth
And with as much ease
And, although we've never acknowledged it
I know he misses the game we play when I'm gone
Like when I was kidnapped,
Strapped to a fugitive and dragged across the state,
Shot at, knifed, concussed
And forced to spend days in the hospital
Only to go home with him, every time, as he tried to explain away his reasoning,
"Only way to keep you outta trouble...doctors said you need to be monitored...not dragging your ass up all those stairs when the elevator breaks... don't trust anyone else...was worried about ya'..."
And now, it's the same thing
Only different,
Because this time, I fear I won't go home with him
And have to listen to one of his cute little, half-assed excuses
Because this time
I'm sick.
Sick in bed
With plague.
My own body betraying me
When I first found out,
I briefly wondered how I got myself into all this trouble
Then I mentally headsplapped myself
Like he would
Because that's no way to think
It's not my fault, I keep repeating to myself
Almost like a mantra
Because if I don't
I know I'll blame myself,
For everything
I sigh as I open my eyes
Feeling the rattling in my chest
The hitching of my breathes
I'm not in ICU anymore
And I'm thankfully not in that blue room anymore
But I'm still in the hospital
Right down the hall from ICU
Cause if anything goes wrong
They want me there as soon as possible
If my lung collapses
If my heart gives out
If I stop breathing, or cease to live according to medical personnel
They want me in ICU
Because there's gonna be hell to pay
If they don't do everything they can to save me
Not from me though
Oh no, don't get me wrong, I'd be pissed,
But I wouldn't threaten them
Or growl at them
Or bark
Or scream
Or yell
Or threaten to kill them
In a low, menacing voice
If something happened to me
I probably wouldn't have the strength to anyway
Only one man would find it,
Somewhere beneath all that exhaustion
And fear, and sadness and pain.
And he was sitting right next to me.
The day has just started
And already I want it to end.
I wish I wasn't here, I wish I was anywhere but
Here.
He watches me, as I take in one, shallow, breath
In and out, in and out.
As though each one is my last.
As though, it could end any second.
He watches me with the same intensity
As that of a mother watching her child.
Loving, caring, fearful.
Not knowing what is happening
To me.
Not knowing the excruciating pain
That comes with
Each
And
Every
Breath
A normal, albeit involuntary, action
You never know how often you take a breath
Until each one causes a lightening bolt of pain
To shoot through your body
Lighting up your nervous system
Setting off a round of horrible, uncontrollable, breath taking coughs
That leaves you in more pain than before
He doesn't know.
He's just worried
For me.
And that scares me,
More than anything else this place could offer.
Because he is my rock
My support when times are hard.
He is my protector, and if he is so shaken by just this—
I don't dare think such things,
There's no point in it
And nothing good would come of it
I try to take another breath,
Feeling his ice blue eyes,
Ever watchful of me
And my care,
Not looking away
But the breath hitches in my chest
And I feel thousands of tiny knifes poking me
And prodding me
Forcing me to gasp and cough
Forcing the air from my lungs.
He holds me through the worst of the spasms,
Rubs my back and whispers nothing into my ear
And I know, he knows, that this is it
He knows, but won't acknowledge it
I tried to
Before
But he simply waved it off
Told me I wouldn't die
Told me I couldn't die
Because he needed me
He needed me
How strange is that?
For a man that means the world to me and more
He needs me
I try again
To say goodbye
Try to apologize for me leaving him
When he needs me so
But he won't have any of it
My first, gasping words barely leave my mouth
Before his covers it
Kissing me gently
And lovingly
No passion behind it
Only love
And he leans back and looks at me
When my need to breathe wins out
And stares at me
A small smile on his lips
A beautiful light in his eyes
That makes him look almost happy
Happier than he's looked since the beginning
Of this whole thing
And says three words
That change the game completely
"I love you."
Those three words give me pause
Love? He loves me?
Never, since the game began,
Have either of us acknowledged there may be
More
Never
But now that he has, it seems so obvious.
Of course he loves me!
And I love him nearly as much
A love that is so intense and strong
That it makes my chest ache in ways
Different than the plague have caused
It aches in a painful, yet almost pleasurable way.
Because he loves me.
Finally, he loves me.
And everything's okay.
Because when he looks down and me,
With that stupid little grin,
And tells me I can't die now
Because he has too many things to do to me
With me
For me
I know, I can't dare disobey those beautiful eyes
And that wonderful man
Who has given me everything.
The ball's now in my court.
I can't control the way the cards are dealt
But he's given me a chance, to change the game
To end this little charade
We started three years ago
To start something that may be more
That may be beautiful,
Wonderful
Despite the odds
But I've beaten the odds
I've beaten the plague,
And now, I can beat anything,
Even my fear of commitment, of love
And I wouldn't have it any other way.
~The End~