Okay i have been having writer's block completely why i am not updating... but this oneshot came to me and i had to try and write it. So here we go... a huge thank you to Steffi and Sabrina for helping out with advices and betaing... I also official considered tagging this as Alicia, Grace, Will & Peter as it is really what it should be tagged as. But i don't want to upset any AP fans with this... so yeah left Peter not tagged in it.
I have no idea when i will write again... truely and i am sorry about that... but i feel sort of blocked and doubtful in my writing...
also this one is having spoilers for stuff we have been told about season 5...
I don't own the good wife.
A Woman In Love.
"Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. "- Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina
She was staring at her food, slowly pushing it around on the plate with her fork. She felt nauseous and had no desire to actually eat the stir fry she had just made. Hours ago it had seemed more appealing, but now - nothing. She just felt empty and tired. Yes, very tired, exhausted even. However hunger she didn't feel.
"Alicia... did you hear what I just said?" Peter asked her, making her look up. What he said? Had he asked her something? She couldn't remember that. She tried to remember what they had been talking about. She hoped if she remembered that it would also make her remember his question, but she came up blank. And then it hit her.
"The charity dinner?" She asked, making him look confused.
"No the opening? Of the modern art museum? Next weekend - I asked if you could arrange it so you could join me in Springfield there." He looked at her suspiciously, eyes squinting at her.
"Oh..." She hadn't heard that, and the thought alone made her feel even more sick. Was she really supposed to parade around, cutting ribbons now? Even the thought alone was upsetting. Also like she didn't have enough of a mess as it was? Did she really need to take time off to go to Springfield too? Work was already a mess. The new Will and Diane what a joke. They would never be them, or maybe they would in 10 years or rather 15. But for now they were not. For now she guessed Will and Diane had more become the new Alicia and Cary. If what the article told was true. Two people squaring off, no longer their former glory.
"Mom? Are you alright?" Grace asked her, making her look over at her daughter who didn't really squint at her but looked at bit worried. She nodded slowly, but Grace didn't accept it. It might come from the many nights and evenings spent alone together. A few of which had included tears. She had bonded with her baby girl once more. She hadn't thought it possible but it had been.
"Are you sick Mom?" Grace asked instead. And with a sigh did Alicia accept the out her daughter was giving her.
"I don't feel so well. I think I have a migraine coming. Is it alright if I just go and lie down?" She asked her family. The family she had thought would bring happiness. But how could she built happiness with a man, when there were no trust in her heart.
"Sure. Would you like anything?" Peter offered but she shook her head and took her plate. With a reassuring and half thankful smile to her girl she left the family dinner.
Grace started eating again. Though she suddenly felt a lot less hungry as well. She sighed. She had known her Mom would feel bad as soon as she got the Google alert earlier, reading the headline.
"Has your Mom been alright through the week?" Her Dad asked, making her look up. She shrugged her shoulders. What could she really say? That her Mom hadn't been alright for months? That she had more than one night slept on the other side of her Mom's bed and through the night heard her silently cry? The reason for that was unspoken of, but not unknown to Grace. She couldn't really tell her Dad that, or could she? Or all she had noticed through the election night, how it had confirmed what she had suspected for months, though it had been nothing but looks and touches. Like how Will Gardner gave her and Zach money for a some candy from the courtrooms vending machine, just because he thought their mother was resting. Or how she had heard her mother talk with their grandmother Veronica when she came to visit last time and how they had argued over the new firm. And Will had been brought up once again when she had heard Veronica ask her mother if she was in love with him. And her mother tearing up but not answering. Something that had been enough answer to Veronica and Grace as well.
She couldn't really answer her Dad with any of these things. It was things shared among women, sisterhood. A confidentiality stronger than most other things.
"Grace? Is she ill?" He asked, and Grace shrugged her shoulders once more.
Would a broken heart be defined as an illness? She wasn't sure. Though she guessed in some way it probably was. After all it made you feel sick, lack appetite, tired. She guessed it would also make you feel almost feverish. At least that was how she felt when Connor broke hers. Another thing her father knew nothing about. Again it had been a thing only shared among her and her mother. She also hoped her dad would never learn. After all losing her virginity to Connor and then later on finding out how he had had more girls than just her, basically cheating on her. She never wanted her Dad to learn that one. But she got her mother, and her mother knew and had been there for her. She trusted her to not tell her Dad. And that was why she wouldn't break her mother's trust either. Though it pained her to see her heartbroken.
"Grace. What happened through the week? Something clearly had her shaken to her core..." Her Dad asked her once more. For a few seconds Grace considered what to do. She wouldn't break her Mom's trust. But maybe. Just maybe, if her Dad learned this part. If he finally saw the facade they were built on it might all stop. She had wanted her family to stay together, she truly had. But at what cost had it been? Her mother crying herself to sleep, as she seemed to fade away more and more. Some said you could die of heartbreak. She feared it was what her mother was close to. At least to emotional death.
She sighed and got up from the table and picked up her mom's Ipad. It didn't take long to find what she looked for. Actually it was the last read page on the pad. Not that it surprised Grace.
"Here... read this..." Grace handed her dad the Ipad and sat down again. Picking a bit more at the vegetables.
She looked at him as he read. Noticing how his face changed. From, confused, to sad, to angry, to hurt, to resigned.
"Did your mom read this?" He asked and looked up at her, as Grace nodded.
"Yes, she did... while cooking earlier." She added. She considered if she should say more, or leave it at this. But for once she decided it might be time to end the charade of a happy family on her part at least.
"Dad... I wanted us to be a family again... I did. I really did. But I wanted us to be what we once were... not this... not...unhappy... and sad..." She sighed, making her Dad look even more confused.
"Sad, unhappy? Grace what is going on?" He asked her, and she sighed.
"You are away most of the time. And Mom works so hard to keep her firm alive... but no one here is happy! When have we last laughed completely at family night, or really connected as a family?" She looked at him and tried to give him a half smile, though she found it hard. Because the truth was, she was pretty sure he was also unhappy in this charade of a perfect family. After all there was nothing perfect. Her Dad in Springfield much or working in the other Governor's office. Her mother fighting to keep her newly built firm afloat.
"Her firm? What is wrong there? Is her firm going bad?" He asked her, confused now.
"See doesn't that confirm it? She hasn't even told you that part? It is not going bad, at least not completely. She just finds it hard. It is not as bright and shiny as Lockhart/Gardner is. Or I guess was is more correctly there, too. She fights a lot with her partner, Cary." Grace answered, though she felt a little uneasy. She had probably already said more than was good.
"I have homework..." She told her Dad, knowing she needed to slip away. If she didn't she would let more slip. Things like how could they make it work when her Mom didn't trust him. How she had seen the worry on her face over his new ethic adviser. How her Mom had looked extra sad and tired, learning he was working late. Even the nights when he was in Chicago, she had seen traces of tears in her mother's eyes when she heard Marilyn in the background of the phone. How she knew her mother mostly stayed in this for him and his career, and Grace herself. How she knew her mother had destroyed her friendship with the one person she had trusted enough to help her back when they were first sinking. How she knew she had done it because her mother was in love with the very same person. And it was the only thing she could do to avoid going to him.
She gave her Dad a little smile and took her plate out, before going into her room and starting on her homework. About an hour later she heard the front door being opened, and someone leaving. Before there was a knock on her own door.
"Come in..." She answered and looked up. Facing her mother who slowly opened the door. Her eyes were red and puffy. And Grace only took a second before getting up and going to hug her.
For minutes none of them spoke.
"Your Dad... and I we... we talked..." her Mom sighed into her hair, and Grace nodded, she had assumed that much.
"He will be staying at a hotel through the night..." She continued, and Grace nodded again, she had guessed that too, when she saw it was her Mom that had stayed.
"Before going back to Springfield?" Grace asked, and her mother nodded.
"Yes before going back there. Do you feel like going with him for the weekend?" Her mother offered, but Grace shook her head.
"No I'll stay here... I have a lot of school work." She answered. In reality she didn't want her mother to be alone, not now. Not when she was sad. And to be fair Grace was sad, too, but at least they would have each other. She hesitated for a second, wondering.
"Mom you should go to him..." She then offered, making her mother pull back a little and look at her confused.
"Who? Your father and I... I am so sorry Grace..." She whispered, but Grace shook her head.
"No... not him... it's okay Mom... none of us were really happy with this... situation... I meant you should go to Will... Tell him the truth..." She offered, her mother now looking even more confused. Yes, she was sorry her family wouldn't work out, but if her mother had a chance of happiness with Will she deserved it.
"Grace... that's... it's too late I fear... I think I burned one too many bridges there..." She answered, and Grace saw more tears form in her eyes.
"You should still go Mom. Try... isn't that better than living with the regrets of not trying?" She offered. Her Mom looked at her for minutes with tears still in her eyes, before nodding.
"It is... it is... when did you become this smart?" She asked with a little smile and Grace shrugged her shoulders.
"Go now Mom.. I can be home alone for a few hours... even for the night if needed... I promise to lock the door and not let strangers in." She offered, giving her mother a reassuring smile. One that had her nod and sigh.
"Okay... but remember to lock up after me..." she told her and Grace nodded.
As Alicia sat in the car and started it she thought back to her conversation with Peter.
She laid on the bed, her eyes closed. She tried to make the odd feeling in her stomach go away. And that was when she heard the knock on the bedroom door. Her first impulse was to ask to be left alone. To leave her to be. In the dark room, swallowing her up, like her own mood did. But she knew neither Peter nor Grace would stop worrying if she reacted like that.
"Come in..." She answered. She slowly sat up on the bed, tired, and feeling most like lying back down and sleep. Sleep until it was all over. Till the war was over or her heart stopped beating, or at least breaking. Peter entered the room and looked at her.
"Are you feeling any better?" He asked her as he came into the room. How could she answer that one? Her heart was still broken. She still felt like curling up into a little ball and sob her eyes out. She still felt as hollow and broken as ever. She still felt sick to her stomach and her head was spinning. No, she was pretty sure she didn't feel any better. If anything she only felt worse.
"I am fine..." were the words she answered, though. They sounded as hollow and empty as her voice and soul.
"Do you want to talk about it?" He offered.
Talk? What was there to talk about? Nothing. Not a thing. At least nothing she felt like sharing with him.
"I just have a migraine Peter..." She offered with a tired smile, and he nodded. For a few seconds she thought he would leave and let that be it. They would be back to how it was. Silent misery and unspoken sadness. But at least a family, a unit. She was good for his career. He was good for hers for many of the clients that had left with them from Will had only joined because she was the governor's wife, the famous Florrick wife. And it was good for Grace. At least better than a broken family.
She had thought it would bring her happiness to stay married, to renew her vows. She had thought it would work. At least if she got away from Will. She hadn't counted of the old saying being true. That distance really did make the heart grow fonder. She hadn't counted on seeing the coldness in his eyes only reserved for her. She hadn't counted on how much that would hurt. How much she would miss seeing the warm and gentle smiling eyes directed at her. Eyes that healed and adored at the same time. Eyes that made her feel like she was beautiful, sexy, strong, confident. Eyes that told her she could have the world if she wanted.
That if she asked he would gladly try and reach up to the stars to take one and give it to her. Those eyes that told her she was all that matters and had ever mattered. Because she missed those eyes terribly. She missed many other things with him, too. Someone to discuss cases with where she actually felt like she got heard and had a real sparring partner. One that made her better and stronger. She missed working late nights with him. She missed seeing his name on her phone. She missed seeing him first thing when she came to the office in the mornings. She missed him and everything he was and had been to her. She could have used his help and advice. His strong and gentle heart guiding her. Helping her enjoy and be better at this job. She and Cary fought, they argued a lot. They were a great team when they were only colleagues but running a firm, being the Mommy and Daddy for dozens of clients and associates were a lot different. It wasn't easy at all. Will, if he had still been in her life it would have made it easier.
He had also for some reason become her moral compass in this crazy world. He might be shady and walking the gray line often. However she had always felt a sense of still being good and fair with him admiring her for being that kind of person. That he, even in the crazy mess of the law world, still looked at her in admiration and adoration the times she showed she wasn't corrupted yet by it.
Now with the new power she had been given. The power she had needed to use because of her new firm, to make it work and strive. She hated it or maybe she more hated how she had become; distant, cold and cynical. She wasn't sure if it was loosing Will, the new position or it all mixed together, probably the last. It exhausted her.
She had never before considered how Peter dealt with all of this but she did now. And he was by far better at it than she. Or at least better. Or maybe he wasn't? Maybe it was what lead him to cheat in the first place. You forget more and more who you are, your own ideals and it become for greater good. It saddened her, that even she could fall into that trap.
To all of that she could now add how she now, well actually for months since before she left the firm, had feared Peter was cheating again. How could she not? She had met Marilyn. Under other circumstances she would probably like the other woman. However now all she saw in her mind was her and Peter. She imagined it when he texted her he had to work late. She saw it as clear as the television once playing the news of him sleeping with Amber. She felt sick when he called her and she could hear Marilyn in the background. She wondered when he was in Springfield. She even a couple of times checked his pockets or wallet, looking for hotel or restaurant recipes. She was trying to find evidence confirming her suspicious, but had found none. Yet it wouldn't leave her alone. All the while she thought if that was really what she had ended things with Will over. What she broke her best and oldest friend, the man who she was more than a little sure by now truly was her soul mate for? And she broke him for what? A life spent worrying over if Peter was cheating or not? Wondering if Marilyn was to be the new Amber or Kalinda? Worrying if she would wake up the next day and once more be the wife in a sex-scandal. Once more the scorched woman standing by her man.
And the most absurd thing was she wasn't even sure she could blame him this time. After all she had kissed Will back months ago. She had been close to cheating back then too, in some ways she probably already had. Was this really what she was left in? But it was how things were, the reality she was stuck in.
However Peter didn't leave the room. He didn't leave issue to be.
"Grace showed me the article..." He told her. She shuddered, just from the memory of the words. Words describing just how bad Will's life work was doing. How lucky he was that Diane didn't become a judge after all, that he wouldn't have been able to run the firm alone. They mentioned that now she hadn't if Lockhart/Gardner would break apart. Inside sources told about how lost he was on his own. And she had remembered. She had remembered a few of the fights she saw Diane and Will have before getting fired, leaving the firm. It made him feel terrible. Would he really end up with nothing because of her?
She nodded slowly. She had no answer. So she got up from the bed and intended to walk to the bathroom.
"Alicia talk to me... what is going on? What is wrong?" He asked her and she could suddenly hear the frustration in his voice. She hesitated for a second. Wondering what to answer.
"There is nothing to talk about." She finally answered.
"Clearly there is... Alicia if we are to make this work we need to talk... we haven't been good at it in the past. And we are clearly forgetting it again once more..." He answered her, persistent. She couldn't help it. Though she knew he was right, all she could give was a hollow laughter.
She looked over at him.
"What is there to talk about Peter?" She asked him, tired. She hoped it wouldn't get to a fight. She was too exhausted to fight tonight.
"How about what you are feeling... something is clearly not alright..." He told her, taking a step closer, one she responded to by backing up one.
"How I feel? You really want to know how I feel?" She asked, and in that moment she knew if they kept going she wouldn't hold back. Not this time, she was too tired to keep that up again.
"Yes... We can't make this work if you don't tell me that..." He offered and she shook her head.
"How do you think I feel... I spend every day and night wondering if the next thing I see on my mail or TV will be a new announcement of you sleeping with Marilyn. I check your pockets to find evidence. And the worst thing is I am not even sure I would blame you any longer if you did have an affair. Because how could I..." She sighed gesturing with her hand as she lowered herself onto the bed. Peter looked shocked and confused.
"Marilyn? Alicia she is my ethic adviser. I haven't... you have to trust me there... I wouldn't..." He looked so confused and sad. She snorted.
"That is the thing Peter... I don't... I don't trust you... how could I... it is so easy to go back into old patterns and I know how it all feels... or at least I thought I did... But Peter you need not to worry I am here aren't I? I haven't divorced you... and it is not like it will really matter any longer if I do or don't..." She mumbled the last part but he still heard her and flinched.
"What do you mean Alicia.. Is this about Will?" He asked her making her sigh.
"Does it matter...?" She asked and looked up at him. She was exhausted, and really wished she could just lay down and sleep.
"Of course it matters if my wife lusts after another man while thinking I am cheating on her..." He answered, his voice frustrated now; almost angry. She flinched at his words. "Lust after another man." Lust and attraction that was what she had played it down as for a long time. However lust didn't hurt as much as this. Lust didn't make one cry yourself to sleep over a broken heart. Lust didn't make you long for just a smile from the other person or a touch. For anything really. It didn't make you this sad. There was nothing lust about what she felt for Will. Yes, she was attracted to him, but Peter was attractive too. And sex with Peter wasn't bad, it had never been. However this was about her heart. And how she had basically ripped her heart out of her body, and left it with Will as she stabbed him in the back and walked out of his firm. She had thought it would fade. It would go away but it didn't. What she felt was love. It was all consuming, earth-shattering heartbreaking love. Scaring her to death, because the last time she loved fully she had gotten blinded by that. She was terrified by what she felt for Will. She knew it would leave her weak, and open to harm.
Peter looked at her.
"I... it's not that..." She whispered. She wasn't sure what made her say it.
"Not what? From what you just told me it sounds like it is just that!.." Peter answered, he sounded tired now as well. She shook her head slowly.
"It's not lust..." She whispered, making him flinch this time. He stared at her for a few long seconds, before he lowered himself to the bed beside her.
"I love him... I am in love with him..." She whispered softly, never having said it out loud before. And she shouldn't be doing it now, either. She knew it would hurt Peter more. It would make the whole thing worse. She heard him sigh. And for what felt like forever none of them said anything else. They just sat there side by side on the bed.
"What do we do now?" She finally whispered after a long while, and she heard him sigh.
"I am going to get my bag and I will stay at a hotel for the night... tomorrow I will go down to Springfield. I will talk with Eli... Find out how we best handle the next few months... without it spinning out of control... without the medias making one a sinner and one a saint... You will stay here... You will talk to Grace, she clearly worries about you... I guess it is also smartest you are the one to tell her... I guess I have missed out on a lot with her lately... and you are the one she is the closest to these days. I will fly out to Zach next week and explain it to him. You have a lot with work so I guess I have an easier time doing that. You will find a lawyer to represent you and I will find one to represent me..." He sighed deeply and she nodded. Suddenly she felt sad, broken. More than 19 years of marriage were about to end here. She rested her head on his shoulder for a moment. Tears gathered in her eyes and ran down her cheeks, slowly. She had always imagined if this ever came it would be a big blow up, but it wasn't. Not really. Not like it could have been.
"I should be the one to stay at a hotel..." She offered, her voice thick.
And she could feel him shake his head.
"No... it is your apartment. However much we have tried to pretend in the past and now that it was ours it is yours... I was always more of a guest here than owner." he answered.
They kept sitting there longer, and she wasn't sure how long passed before they moved away. He packed his bags and she walked him to the door. He hugged her there. And she came into his arms willingly. Just like the kiss she gave him on the cheek was more honest than many of the kisses they had been sharing lately. It was one of thank you. Thank you for all the years, of the good and bad. The sad memories as well as the best. The two amazing kids we raised together. The life we once had. The life we thought could be regained but couldn't. Thank you for happiness as well as sorrow. She pulled back and gave him a small smile. And he nodded and smiled back, before he went to the elevator.
She hadn't noticed she had parked in front of Will's apartment building. She had been too lost in thoughts of the confrontation with Peter. Now she feared the other confrontation. The one she was about to have. The one that could either heal or break her completely. The one that could give her salvation or rejection.
She got out of the car. She smiled at the man at the desk as she walked through the lobby. He recognized her from a time she visited frequently. He smiled and waved at her. She could feel her heart beat fast as she took the elevator up. Whatever happened now she knew would be groundbreaking. She also knew she needed to do this. And more so that she would need to take whatever he might want to throw at her. Anything he might want to say to her. Anything he might want to do to her. Throw her out, not let her in at all, scream at her. He was in his right to it all. And she would need to take it.
She had broken him, and yet here she would be begging for yet another chance. A chance to love him like he deserved. To give him what he had once wanted of her. What she feared he didn't want anymore. However she wanted it. She needed it. Just like she needed him to keep breathing. She needed him in her life, because without him she was hollow. She was incomplete and empty. Will Gardner was like oxygen to her lungs, breathing new life into her.
She walked up to his door and slowly knocked on it. She started to panic then there was no answer. She heard no movements on the other side. She could feel all her courage flicker and flee away from her body. And that was then she finally heard steps. And heard the lock getting turned and saw him as he opened the door. He looked tired. Older, years older actually. Like the months had aged him a decade. His tired face became angry and annoyed at the sight of her.
"What do you want?" He asked her, making her shudder. He was so angry, and his voice so cold. Not that she had expect otherwise, it had been how he was with her ever since finding out. However it made it much harder to be brave and tell him what she needed.
"I... We... I hoped we could talk..." She whispered and looked down. His eyes were ice cold and made her shiver and it was impossible to look into them any longer.
"Talk? I have nothing left to say to you..." He told her and started to close the door.
"Please Will... we never... we never had that talk we agreed on..." She whispered.
"Well that is months too late... I can't stand the sight of you... go home to your husband, to your perfect family... or are you lonely because he is away in Springfield? Did the ball of the week bore you? So you thought you would pay me a visit? Haven't you made me suffer enough? Do you need to rub it in more?" He asked her, angry and hurt. She forced herself to look into his eyes. To take it. He should be allowed to say all of this no matter the pain it caused her.
"It's.. it's not like that... Will please... hear me out... please..." She whispered.
"Why would I?... Give me one good reason..." When she didn't answer right away he started to close the door. She tried to find one. Anything that would make him listen to her a little more. And there were only one that came to mind.
"I love you..." She whispered. He froze in his movement of the door. And stared at her like in shock. She had been right it at least made him listen.
"I know what I did can't be forgive or shouldn't be and yet I ask you to do just that because I love you. I am in love with you. I miss you so much. And I hate what I did. I hate myself for it. I hate that I hurt you and if I could go back and change it I would. Because I love you." She whispered yet her voice clearer now, steady.
He still looked as shocked.
"I told Peter I am in love with you. We are getting a divorce. And I know you have no reason to forgive me. To still even care about me. But I love you, and I hope you still even care just a little about me." She whispered. She needed to lay it all out for him, if she should have any chance of this being possible.
"I did what I did. Because staying with you and not going to you was impossible. I knew if I stayed I wouldn't be able to resist you. And I couldn't risk that. I felt like I needed to at least give my family a chance. Even more with Peter having changed. It wasn't right. I should have seen it there. I should have seen that I couldn't resist you because I belong with you. I am better when I am with you. You make me stronger and a better person, happier. You were why I kept my high morals. Because you looked at me kindly then I did. That makes me a better lawyer and mother. My daughter, she is the one who told me I should go to you tonight. I feared my kids wouldn't accept us. Wouldn't understand it. But they would. How could they not? When they realized what a great man and person you are, and how much you love me and I you. I just didn't stop to think about all the good things." She smiled softly for a second. An image of Will, her and the kids, having dinner playing in front of inner eye.
Will I am scared. I am so terrified of what I feel for you. Last time I loved someone fully I got hurt, burnt. And I am scared to be again. But you are not him. You would never hurt me. You never have. You always protected me. I just... I didn't realize it before... I am so sorry..." She felt naked. She had bared her heart to him and if he closed the door now she was pretty sure she would never stop crying. She looked down counting the seconds. For each one that passed she was sure the chance of rejection got bigger.
Okay here after there are two ends. First I wrote you a happy end... one I wasn't even sure myself was fitting. And when my friend read and told me it didn't really seem fitting I wrote a sadder one. So the first one here is the sad one. However as a special treat I still saved the other too, you can find the happy end that I am not even sure it's not very OOC further down.
She felt like she had stopped breathing for a second as she heard the door being closed in front of her. She tried to take a couple of deep breaths, as she looked up. He really had rejected her. She had feared it. Expected it almost. And yet she hadn't been able to get her head around Will doing just that. Suddenly tears were steaming fully down her face. She wanted to crumble to the floor. To never get up again. Yet she couldn't. She had no idea how she got down and into her car. She waited in it crying, and trying to make the tears stop so she could drive home.
She was still crying softly as she left the car and moved to the elevator and took it up. She cried as she went to her door and unlocked it. She cried as she took off her coat. She sobbed as Grace came out dressed in her PJs. She took one look at her and the next moment her daughter was hugging her once more. She hugged her as tight if not tighter than she had earlier. For once it was her little girl guiding her into her room and cuddling into her at the bed. All the while she cried. She had never cried as much as this in her life before. And she feared the tears would never stop.
However in the end she must have cried herself to sleep, as she woke up the next morning with a throbbing migraine. Grace was still asleep beside her. And as she glanced over she could see, she would be late for school. Just like Alicia was late for work. She was glad she didn't have court, and even more glad that Cary accepted her text of feeling ill. She let her daughter sleep, she guessed she could have one off day. And walked around in the apartment. Her head hurting and her eyes stinging from all the tears. She finally let herself drop down onto the couch. Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath. That was how she would have to go on now. One breath at a time. She could do it. Broken hearts healed didn't they? Just like bones did. Her heart would too. And the pain would stop in time. At least she hoped. She wondered how he could have kept it with her so long. Kept accepting her rejections, if this was how it felt for him every time. If that was really true, she now understood why he wouldn't even consider giving her a chance. She wondered why he had taken it so long. Why he had never shut her out before? And why hadn't she seen how patient and sweet he was with her while she still had a chance. Why had she broken him?
"Hey mom... Are you feeling better this morning?" Grace asked making her look up at her daughter walking over to her. Grace took a seat beside her on the couch. She pulled her legs up under her and looked at Alicia giving her a little smile. One Alicia tried to return.
She had no answer for her daughter. Really she had nothing.
"Would you like me to make some coffee?" Grace offered, but Alicia shook her head. Just the thought of coffee with the headache she had right now, made her feel sick.
"Should I make tea instead? Chamomile?" Her daughter caught on. Making Alicia smile a little.
"Yeah lets go and make some chamomile tea... seems like you are staying home from school anyway..." Alicia raised an eyebrow at Grace, making her daughter shrug her shoulders in answer. "Like you seem to stay off work. But I promise I will study, Mom." Alicia nodded.
"Mom... will you be okay?" Grace asked her honestly.
"I guess..." was the only answer she figured she could give. She couldn't possible tell her daughter she had her heart broken and she wasn't sure there was any moving on and getting over that. At least not when the heartbreak came from your soul mate.
"Don't give up on him yet Mom... from what I heard and know he has been hurt deeply, too. So don't give up on him yet. Maybe just give it some time." Grace offered, and Alicia nodded slowly.
"Where did I get such a smart daughter?" She asked her as she moved her arm. Grace quickly moved into her embrace, resting her head on her shoulder.
"Don't give up on him Mom. If you really love him don't give up. I'll pray for you, Mom, and for him, for it to work out. I promise I will... and you will be okay..." Grace told her gently. And Alicia nodded. She would listen to her little girl. He had been persistent in his love for her, never giving up.
This time she needed to be the same for him. She wanted to be the same for him. He deserved that and so much more. She also needed to be, because the thought of never again feeling his warmth and love was unbearable. So she wouldn't let it go. She would fight for him like he fought for her, and she would keep on loving him. And trying to make him see how much. Make him see she regretted what she had done. That she wanted them better. That she wanted to redeem herself, to deserve the salvation only his love and heart could give her. She had to believe in it and make it happen. Her daughter was right there. Now it was her time to fight for their love.
The happy version of the end...
She felt like she had stopped breathing for a second.
And that was then she felt his hand under her chin. He guided her face up again so she could look into his eyes once more. They were beaming with tears similar to those in her own eyes. And She didn't think twice in reaching in and kissing him. Grasping the chance. She sighed in relief as she felt him gently return the kiss. Sighed as his other hand found her waist, pulling her into his chest. The kiss was more chaste than she would have wished, gentle and soft. And he broke it soon. She shivered from the loss. But took the chance to rest her face against his neck curling into him.
"I love you." She whispered against him once more. "I love you so much..." She repeated. It was like now that she had said it once she didn't want to stop. She wanted to keep saying the words, until he believed them. Until he realized how much she truly loved him.
He nodded softly.
"Alicia..." He mumbled against her hair. She wasn't sure how long they stood like that, it could have been seconds or days, she didn't care. She was in his arms. And she kept repeating her words of love.
He pulled back a little. And she looked up at him.
"You better mean this Alicia?"
She nodded.
"I do.. I mean it Will. With all of my heart." She answered. The next moment he kissed her again. This one less chaste. A lot less chaste.
Hours later then she curled up to him. She lifted her head a little from his bare chest and looked at him. His eyes sparkling at her. He was smiling now.
"You know you never really told me? I told you I don't know how many times over the night but you haven't told me..." She whispered.
"Told you what?" For a second he looked confused.
"You know what..." She told him with a huff.
"Oh that thing... well Alicia I did tell you two times actually..." He smiled at her.
"The phone call you excused as a slip up?" She asked. "I told you times after times tonight and that is your one.." She tried to look annoyed. She did want to hear the words, but she guessed she owned him this one, among many others.
"Well that and another... you just never got the first time..." He admitted.
"The voicemail? That was what you said?" She asked sitting up a bit more.
"It was. That and I wanted to meet with you and make a plan together." he admitted, and she looked down.
"I am sorry Will I am so sorry..." She repeated once more.
"Hey it is okay now... or it will be..." He caressed her cheek.
She nodded slowly and looked up at him her eyes teasing now. She was happy here with him.
"So do you?" She asked.
"Do what?"
"Do you love me?" She whispered.
He shook his head in amusement.
"Do you really need to ask that one?"
"Will..." She, the next moment he had rolled her over onto her back once more. He gave her a soft kiss before pulling back.
"I love you Alicia... You are the only one I have ever loved, and will ever love." He whispered before another kiss.
"Always?" She mumbled into his warm breath.
"Always."
Please let me know your thoughts on this...