Its been a hard road for Sam and it is only going to get darker and harder for him to live through, the choices he has made and is going to make are more than anyone can bare. The words spoken by Lucifer were going around and around in his head. What did he mean have to make?, there is no way in hell that i am going to say yes. Maybe Lucifer knew Sam more than he knew himself right now, his head was all over the place and the reappearance of his craving did not help any, he was battling it for most of the twenty four hours in the day, and sometimes through the night, its reappearance made the chances of him overcoming it more slim and challenging. It was there in his head, every day he had the thought that he could just give up and feed, Lucifer would find a way to make him say yeas anyway, what was the point in going through this for nothing?, then he shook his head and pushed that thought out of it, he had to for his brother sake. Dean had just let him back into his life he couldn't take being shut out again, it was too hard on him. Then the thought of ending it all came to mind, but that thought was followed by Lucifer saying that he would just bring him back again. Why me?.
Every time he asked that question to Ruby and to Lucifer it was always followed by, because it had to be you, it always had to be you, but what does that even mean?, he thought he deserved and explanation, but he sure as hell wasn't going to get one, a explanatory one anyhow. He knew he had no choice in the matter, that one day it would come and it was set in stone, the things Azazel, Lilith, and Ruby did just to get him here was enough reason to know that it was going to happen, demons wouldn't have gave up their lives without a fight or a real good reason. Why did he have to be the cause, the exception, the chosen one, the freak, all he ever wanted his whole life was to be normal, and he tried and tried, but that did not turn out as he planned it to. It is like very action he takes to try and stop something from happening all the more harder it is on him when it does happen, he should just give up, but he won't.
Sam looked up, and awoken from deep inside his thoughts, a place where reality never existed, where things were more simpler and easier on him, he wanted to stay there, and not come back to this crap whole of a world, but he knew he would have to face it at one point, and that they only way he would be trapped in there is if he was possessed by Lucifer. If that was not going to happen why did he want to stay in there so much, maybe he was ready for Lucifer to take over, maybe he wanted it, a way out, a way to give up and stop fighting what he thought had to be destiny. A fight which he so often had to fight, one where it always lead to the same thing, no matter what the fight was about, the little thing it always lead to the bigger thing that he did not want to even say. It made it seem more real.
He looked up to see Dean with a block of stone in his hand sharpening Ruby's knife. He had found his reason to keep going and push the unwanted thoughts out of his head, the only reason he had left for living and not giving in to destiny and the world. He saw Dean with the knife in his hand, Ruby's knife the one that belonged to her and he still persisted on using it even though he didn't like the source, why did he still use it. Every time Sam saw it in Dean's hands it looked weird, it looked wrong, like it was never supposed to be in Dean's hands it was always supposed to be in Ruby's, and Ruby was supposed to be here with Sam now, helping him, why did she have to do that to him, now of all times, when he needed her the most. She betrayed him, hurt him in ways that even Dean could not imagine, so why did Sam keep longing for her, he knew she couldn't come back, she was dead. Why did he still have hope that she could.
Things could never be as good as they were when he was with Ruby, and he knew they could never be, he knew that what he felt, he would never be able to experience again, he wanted to so badly, but he knew now that it was so wrong, and he should not even be thinking about it, but he was. More than anything else he was. And then the recurring thought of blood popped into his head, every thought he had turned to blood, nothing seemed to occupy his mind for long enough for him not to revert back to it. It seemed that everyone around him knew what he was going to do, what he was thinking. His enemies knew more about him than he did, he tried to ignore it and protest, but he knew deep down all the words that came spilling out of their mouths were the truth. The real truth.
Sam could not sit there any longer, the more he was silent the more his mind seemed to wonder. He could not let that happen, so he got up; as he did Dean looked over and then back again, he still did not fully trust Sam and needed to stay one step ahead of him, to stop him doing anything irrational. He walked to the corner of the room, when his laptop was in its wore out leather bag it had always been in, its strap was hanging over the edge of the table in which it was on, he grabbed the laptop from inside it and slide it out quickly, he was inpatient, he needed to occupy himself a little longer, just a little longer he kept telling himself. He went to sit back on the bed and felt like he had gone down a little, sure he had put on a little weight with all the crap he kept eating to try to satisfy his hunger, but it was never enough, he found himself feeling more sick than he did to begin with.
What was it about the blood that made him want it so badly, that made his body crave for it, was it the feeling it gave him, the warm thick drug pumping its way through his veins, pushing his body to the absolute limit every time it was present, leaving its mark, and satisfying his need to be in control, to be powerful and take the wheel. But it never tasted as good off of any other demon than Ruby, it tasted better when he ingested it from her, warmer, fiery, and had a longer effect. He thought it was always in his mind, or the fact that he first got it from Ruby, she was the first, and the first is always best.
He did not know what he was looking for or at he just stared at the screen with angst, trying hard not to think about anything and to just keep focus on something, he was not quite sure what though. It was not working even a couple of unusual death was not enough to keep him occupied he could have been thinking about all of the possibilities but instead he just stared absent minded at the screen. Until Dean broke the silence, he could see Sam was getting restless and he knew there was something wrong, he made this look where he was kind of frowning with a big crease in his forehead. "Sam", he had to say his name a couple of times before Sam finally noticed Dean was calling him, "Sam, is that you in there", "what?" Sam said with no effort to even try to figure out what Dean was saying. "What's wrong" Dean said curious as to what could be up with Sam; there could be a range of things, but he needed to know either way. "Nothing" Sam said still with face screwed up like he was sucking on a lemon; though he would rather be sucking on something else, something with a little more taste, but not that far and sour from a lemon, demon blood. "Right..." he paused thinking Sam would explain what it is that is bothering him, he normally does, and sometimes even when Dean did not want to know, but now that Dean did want to know Sam clamed up. " Sam come on what is it?", Dean was becoming inpatient, maybe it was something big for Sam not to want to tell him what it was. "Nothing you need to worry about, seriously Dean, its nothing really, id tell you if it was important" Sam said in an effort to try to sound convincing and get Dean off of his back. "Yeah, sure you would" Dean said not convinced, he wanted to know but did not want to push Sam too much. "What's that supposed to mean?" Sam said annoyed at the fact that his brother could not just leave it at that. "It means Sam, i know something big is up, and you told me crap even when i did not want to here it, but now something is really bothering you and you won't tell me, remember what you said Sam a two way street" Sam gave Dean a funny look. "Hey, they were you words not mine" Dean said in defence, "All i am saying is you, i mean you don't want to talk, Sam just tell me". Sam fell silent, Dean was waiting for an answer but Sam was not going to budge, when he got stubborn he was hard to nudge, Dean gave up and said "Fine, you don't want to tell me, i'm not pushing, i'm going out to grab a burger, don't do anything i would do" Dean said trying to lift Sam's spirits, it seemed to work, at least that's what Dean thought "Yeah, that narrows it down".
When Dean left Sam stayed quiet, it was like he was paralyzed or in a trance he just sat there no thoughts, no sound, not even the slightest movement. After a while he found himself pacing up and down the room, he lost count how many times he had been from one end of the room to the next, and was not about to count. There was the slightest noise and Sam heard it, he knew that someone or something was coming, they always were. He went over to the bed where Dean had left Ruby's knife and picked it up, he raised it above his shoulders in a position that he could quickly attack the assailant that was in the dark. Sam had become more and more paranoid over the years, hunting did not do it any justice, he knew what kinds of things were out there and what they could do to you, it was not a comforting thought. He slowly made his way towards the door, trying to catch a glimpse of whatever it was in the peephole in the door. It seemed as if no one was there, but Sam knew different, that's what they want you to think and then they creep behind you and attack.
He turned around but nothing was there, he opened the door and as he did a familiar smell was making its way towards him, it was carried on the breeze; the cold air that hit his face constantly whilst he tried to work out what it smelt of. It did not take him long, he knew the smell, and his body knew it as well, every time it came close his nasel hairs flared up, it sent a burning sensation to his nose, and the back of his throat became dry, but his mouth watered. His stomach started to cramp, and overtime developed into a sharp pain, he clutched his stomach with both hands and closed the door. He knew he would have to go out there again, he could not let it loose and have free rain, its kind burn through bodies for kicks, and he knew from experience they can manipulate your ass ten ways from Sunday. It was a Demon.
He found the will to make himself straight and block out most of the pain; years of experience will do that to a person, but there was still some there, pulsating with every move he made. He got himself back close to the door again and slowly twisted the handle, trying to make the least amount of noise possible, he did not want them to know he was coming, he wanted to have the jump on them, and not the other way around. He managed to get out of the door and closed it quietly, he kept turning and looking in all directions to see if he could spot it; this knew found sense of smell helped, every time he got close the smell got more intense, he tried to slow his breathing down, it was becoming too loud as he was closing in on it.
He knew who it was straight away, it was Meg. She had a thing for him when she first met him, and he kinda had one for her as well, then she turned out to be a demon and that turned into hate and range as she tried to kill his father, and then his brother and anyone who got in the way for her father's big plans for him. He came behind her and she noticed, "I've been waiting for you" she said in almost a playful tone, "really" Sam said as he pushed her against a door of an empty motel room, the knife still in his hand, but his grip on it had tightened. "Now, now Sammy, i know you like me but slow down a bit there" Meg said with a smug smile on her face, "Your kind always turn things into jokes, do you get a kick out of it?", Sam said knowing that every demon he has met so far has turned everything into a punch line, it was annoying. "But I know how much you like my kind Sam, and yes, I know about your little get together with Ruby", "You don't know jack", "that's where you are wrong" Meg said leaving it open for Sam to jump in.
Sam had heard enough he wanted answers, but he wanted to go somewhere more private, if Dean saw him he would have some serious explaining to do, and he did not feel up to another Winchester style fight, it was too draining. Sam grabbed Meg's wrist and opened the door of the empty room that they had been standing near, he closed the door and turned to look at her. "What's that supposed to mean?" Sam said to Meg as he frowned, "I know you want it Sam, I know it has been eating you up inside, and you have been resisting it for your brothers sake, but your brothers not here…, I know how it makes you feel and I know that you like it, so why don't you go ahead" Meg wanted to get Sam drink the blood again, and Sam seemed to have arose to an impasse, he was real quiet, thinking. "Go ahead" Meg repeated, Sam looked at her he did not know what to do, he did not want to but it was right in front of him, and she was right Dean was not around. Sam lowered the knife and remained in the same position, "Sam go on, its okay"; as she did this she put a strand of his hair behind his ear, he closed his eyes and could smell the sweet smell of her blood, he could here it pumping throughout the body that she was in, he wanted it so badly.
He grabbed Meg's wrist and pulled it closer to his face, "You like it from the wrist, huh?", Sam did not say anything he remained silent, Meg could see Sam was hurting and said "This is the only way". She took the knife out of his hands slowly and slit part of her wrist in front of Sam; he saw the blood ooze out and the smell became more intense, it was only a couple of centimetres away from his mouth, but he resisted the urge. "Fine" she said as she moved her wrist closer to her mouth, she sucked some of the blood that was pouring out of her wrist she kept it in her mouth and moved closer to Sam. She kissed him, transferring the blood bit by bit from her mouth to his, trying to get him to taste it, it worked he kissed her back and swallowed the blood, but suddenly stopped and said "No… I can't". "Sam, its alright, you can", Sam looked at the blood longingly, he wanted it so badly, but embraced his new found restraint, "Its only going to go to waste…just this once Sam" Meg was encouraging him to drink it, she was telling him that it was alright, but it was not. Sam was fragile, he was emotionally distressed and problems were constantly being thrown his way, he had too much on his plate and this just pushed him over the edge.
Sam could see the blood dripping from her wrist, he could see it splatter into circles on the floor, he could hear it drop, each little drop, he could not resist it any longer, he grabbed her wrist and began to feed and fill the pit in his stomach that yearned for the blood, the part that kept him awake at night and troubled him all through the day, a whole that had been created by Ruby. The warm thick drug kept flowing out of her arm and down into Sam's throat leaving a burning sensation where it had been, causing Sam to feel hotter and hotter as time passed. "That's my boy" Meg said as a smug grin appeared on her face, her dad would be pleased, and she got an added bonus, just getting this close to Sam after all this time. She stoked his hair and watched with intrigue through the black pools of lust and nothingness that had appeared where her eyes were, with every bloody mouthful Sam had she took a breath, this was a knew experience for her and it felt good for both her and Sam.