I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok
But that's not what gets me.
I sat on Haru's bed, I would have left by now but the rain was coming in buckets…and it was cold enough outside without being wet. That's why I had ducked in here in the first place was to dodge getting soaked…I was the only one at the house right now, Aya and Kiba were out on missions right now. The room was pretty much identical to when Haru left it, Aya and I never moved anything but we did dust and vacuum to keep it clean in case he would happen to stop by. I held one of the pillows from his bed to my face taking in his scent…It was going on a year and a half now since he left. And the scent was beginning to fade.
What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
Memories filled my head of our time together. Of all the nights we'd sneak out and take long walks through the forest just so we could talk alone. I sighed, There weren't two people in the world closer than we had been. I wondered what would have happened if he had stayed…would we still be dating? Would he have moved on? But there was no reason to dwell on these thoughts, after all I couldn't turn back time…
It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' it
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still harder, getting up, getting dressed, living with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
I ran my hand across the bedspread behind me, this was the hardest place to be sometimes…okay most of the time. Nowhere was really easy to be, pretty much every nook and cranny of this village held memories. But in this room…the emptiness left behind seemed so much deeper than everywhere else. I wished I had stopped him that night, or at least left to get someone else to stop him. Or maybe I should have just gone with him…but no, the man who took him wouldn't take me, I had no demon. "I miss you so much…" I whispered holding the pillow to my chest. "I want you to come home…to fill this horrible hole in my chest…to make the pain and loneliness disappear like you did when we were kids."
What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
I closed my eyes and could see him, his smile, his yellow eyes and blue hair. I could hear his laugh and feel his warm embrace…but the moment I opened my eyes it was gone and the hollowness inside me rang out all the more strongly.
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok
But that's not what gets me
I didn't realize I was crying until the tears began to hit the pillow in my arms. I wiped them away but they were replaced instantly. I was a ninja and I shouldn't cry, but in moments like this…I didn't care. I held the pillow to my face and cried into it, I missed him so much. I wanted to see him again, to wrap my arms around him and tell him I loved him…but I couldn't, I didn't even know where he was.
What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
My heart ached for the companionship that had been torn from me, for the friend that I had never dreamed of being without. Even if he didn't come back to stay, if he would just visit and let me know he was okay. I knew that if it's what he wanted I would always let him go again in the end. But if he would come and hold me now and then, let me know I still mattered to him…this pain might be a little easier to bear.
What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
In the end I fell asleep crying on his bed, Aya found me and woke me up the next morning. Mom wasn't worried because thankfully I had told her I stopped by here to get out of the rain the day before…Aya on the other hand was a little more shocked to find me in Haru's bed. I felt a little better when I went home, it had been quite some time since I had allowed myself to just cry like that. That was also the most sleep I had gotten in quite some time, a gift from an angel who ran the nightmares off for one night…but then maybe it was because I was in his room, and no nightmare was allowed to reach me there. Either way it had been nice, and now I had to get on with life, forcing my smile and training from dawn to dusk so that someday I would be strong enough to bring him back.
~The End~
Authors Notes:
Disclaimers: What hurts the most belongs to Cascada. Haru, Araya and Hikari belong to Aya, Kiba belongs to Kishimoto and Destiny and Elinor belong to me. Well, I have kinda made this Elinor's theme song…so I decided it needed a story to go with it, and this is what I ended up with. R&R