Authors Note: I don't know if JJ has parents they haven't been mentioned but for this story she does
I don't own anything but my own characters
The fall sunshine reminded her of football games and bonfires. It was the day before Halloween, and she'd been home for ten days. The leaves on trees outside her childhood home were changing colors. This was her favorite time of year, when the colors changed to gold, orange, fiery red and a thousand shades in between. Soon the trees would finish shedding their leaves. They would resemble skeletons against the grey skies of November. She hoped to be back at work before she saw this side of autumn in Pennsylvania
"Jenny," her mother called. "If you're going outside, take your gloves, the wind is bitter today."
"Okay mom!" What was is about moms that made you feel like a two year old even when you were twenty-seven?
At least you have a mother to nag you, his mother's in an institution.
"Shut up," she told herself angrily.
She pulled on her slate grey wool coat, and wrapped a red knitted scarf around her throat. It was good to wear jeans and a sweater for a change.
I wonder which sweater vest he's wearing today?
Clamping down on that thought before it could take her places she didn't want to go, she pulled on her black leather gloves and left the house.
Her mother was right; the wind was brutal, cutting across her face like a razor. She didn't bleed, at least not on the outside. In reality she'd been bleeding since the night Lisa tried to kill Spencer. Her heart bled for him, and the scathing betrayal he experienced again at the hands of a beautiful woman. It was bad enough that she'd run from her feelings a year ago, but to have her past rear it's ugly head like that - well she supposed karma bit you in the ass from time to time.
She got in her rental car and drove through town. She saw a few familiar faces, but she didn't stop to speak to any of her old friends. She wasn't here to socialize or renew old friendships. She was running away.
She kept her mind blank until she reached the place where Lisa had been raped and left for dead. She went to the large oak tree where the guys had tied Lisa, and sat down on the ground, trying to imagine what the girl had gone through there.
If only she'd stayed sober, and stayed at the campsite, maybe she could've stopped what happened. It was so terrible, the aftermath. The police had arrested her friends, but they'd been careful, they'd used condoms so no DNA evidence was found. Eventually the police had let them go for lack of evidence, and because they and their girlfriends backed up each other's alibis.
It was at that time Lisa had snapped. In one night she'd killed all the boys, sneaking into their bedrooms through unlocked windows, and cutting their throats while they slept. She then castrated them all. She'd gone home and done the same thing to her father. By that time, the first boy had been found by an insomniac parent. The police correctly guessed who was behind it, and they found her at her home catatonic, and covered in the blood of all four men.
JJ believed she would be in an institution for the rest of her life, but the powers that be had released her. She was twenty-one, and the doctors said she was cured of her psychotic behavior. Ha, what a laugh, they knew nothing and because of their misguided compassion, Spencer was nearly killed.
She couldn't banish him from her mind any longer, after weeks of trying to keep him out; he was there, frowning at her in her minds eye.
He'd driven her away with his unhappiness. For weeks after she'd tried one last time to apologize and start over, she'd dreamt of him. In some of her dreams she would see him dying at Lisa's hands. In others she'd manage to get him to talk to her, but then they would end up fighting and he would leave her crying. There were several times that she dreamt they talked, and then they fought like sworn enemies and at last they made frantic love.
Finally she couldn't take it anymore. She dreaded going to work. She was distracted and one morning she and Emily had a screaming fight over the last cup of coffee in the machine. Hotch had been there and he'd ordered her to his office.
"JJ, I don't know what's going on with you, but -" He'd started out in his usual glowering way.
She interrupted him by bursting into frustrated tears. The whole story poured out of her, from high school and Lisa, to the Red skins game and its aftermath, to that very moment of absolute misery.
He listened without comment, moving only once to make sure his door was shut.
When she had finished her explanation of her behavior, she looked up in the silence that followed to see Hotch staring at her, his face expressionless as usual. Then he said, "JJ I want you out of here. Take a leave of absence for as long as you need."
"But Hotch… I don't need to run away, what kind of message does that send to him if I do."
"It's too late to worry about that now, don't you think."
"Don't lecture me Hotch; I'm not a child and neither is he."
"You're wrong about that JJ and you know it. In a lot of ways Reid is still a child, or at least a very young adult. There are a lot of things that he's never experienced."
"I know that Hotch, I feel bad enough as it is. I'm trying to make it up to him but he won't let me and now you tell me to leave."
"You need some time apart, so go visit your family or go to California and get some sun, I don't care. I don't want to see you back here until you've resolved your issues."
"But Hotch -"
"That's an order Agent Jareau, and before you threaten to go over my head, the director agrees with me."
"Fine… I'll go home to Pennsylvania, don't call me!" She slammed out the door.
So here she was, in the Pennsylvania woods, trying to calm her pounding heart and the sweating of her palms. She knew her fear was, for the most part, irrational, but she couldn't help it. Lisa's ordeal had only made the fear worse.
Her fists clenched in rage because being here and confronting her fears had done nothing to draw her thoughts away from Spencer. Instead, she wished he were here, holding her and making her feel safe. If she hadn't been so afraid of that feeling of safety he provided her, he might be with her instead of hundreds of miles away.
She remembered waking up next to him that morning and panicking at the thought of how right it felt to be in his arms. It wasn't just the afterglow of amazing sex that she felt; it was knowing that a kind, thoughtful and sweet man loved her. She'd never experienced physical intimacy with someone that really loved her, and it scared the hell out of her. Her other lovers had been easy to discard when they wanted more than just dates and occasional sex. She never loved any of them. She'd been amazed to discover that she loved him with her whole heart and soul. Then she began to realize that love meant commitment and family, and she didn't want that.
Now looking back on that year, she wondered why she'd been so afraid. She should have embraced Spencer and all that he represented. She could've been so happy, and instead she'd thrown it all away for the sake of her precious freedom.
Her thoughts returned to the present, and she found herself crying, the tears splashing down on the ground turning it dark and black in the shade of the tree. The sun was directly overhead, and she heard for the first time the sounds of the woods around her. A twig snapped to her right, and she screamed before she realized that it was a chipmunk scampering across the forest floor, looking for seeds and nuts.
A bird called overhead and she froze again. It sounded like someone crying. Stop it Jennifer, stop trying to scare yourself and deal with the issues at hand.
There was only one issue. How was she going to convince Spencer that she loved him? She had to find a way because he was the only one she wanted. She knew in her soul she would never love anyone else in her entire life. If she couldn't find a way to convince him, then she would spend the rest of her days alone.
She stood up, feeling the cold on her cheeks once again, and walked back to her car. It was timefor her to go back to Virginia. She needed to confront him and have it out once and for all.
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"Jen are you going to tell me what's going on with you, or do I have to keep asking?"
JJ watched her mother enter the living room, and sit down on the arm chair across from the chocolate brown leather couch.
"Honey please, you have to confide in someone, you've been moping around her for days. I was ready to let you mope forever, but you're going to make yourself sick."
JJ stared at Susan Jareau for a long time. She remembered a time when she could tell her mother anything, without fear of judgment. When had that comfortable relationship ended? Was it time to throw out her insecurities, and fears and tell her mother everything ?
"Jenny, what's happened? Is it that Dr Reid you talk about all the time?"
JJ started in surprise. How did her mother know? She hadn't said anything. Her heart began to pound painfully in her chest. There was no going back now.
"Honey you didn't think I wouldn't notice how you stopped talking about him. What has he done to make you so sad? Tell me and I'll -"
"What mom, you'll do what…"
The words burst from her lips before she could stop them. Then the tears began to fall, and she told her mother everything, from start to finish leaving nothing out. By the time she finished she was crying so hard so could hardly speak and she covered her face with her hands. The pain in her heart was too much to bear. An arm slipped around her shoulder, she hadn't felt her mother sit down next to her. She turned her head into her mom's shoulder and wept like a small child for a long time.
"There… there my sweet Jenny… don't cry so." The feel of her mother's hand stroking her hair was soothing, and soon her sobs quieted and she felt her face burning with shame. She hadn't meant to be quite so open with her mother about every detail.
"Honey, don't be embarrassed," her mother said trying not to smile.
"I - well it's just that I never thought I'd confess to a night of drunken stupidity with a co worker."
"Jenny you're not the only one who's made mistakes. We all do things we regret."
"Not you mom, you never mess up, you're perfect."
"Is that what you think," her mother said, and Jen could hear the note of astonishment in her voice.
"Well yeah, you and Daddy have been together for so long that -"
"Sweetie, I know what it's like to lose control of yourself and regret it the next morning. I was a lot like you when I was your age, driven and ambitious. Then I met you father, and nothing else mattered but making him happy. You need to ask yourself two questions. Do you love him more than anyone, or anything else in your life? If you do, are you willing to do anything to make him happy?"
"I love him more than my own life, but he won't believe me when I tell him that."
"Jenny, listen to me, actions speak louder than words. You pushed him away from you and that was a mistake, he feels betrayed. If you want him to give you another chance, you've got to show him by your actions that you love him. You've got to be prepared to understand that he may not feel as you do and you may have to walk away, can you do that?"
"If you love someone, set them free, if they come back to you it was meant to be."
"Those are true words my dear, but can you do it.
"Yes, mom I can."
"Then I think you have a fighting chance."
JJ threw her arms around her mother and kissed her cheek. "Mom I'm going back to Quantico, I have to see him and talk to him."
"I think that's the best decision you've made in the last ten days."
Relief coursed through her like life blood, she had a plan and a reason to go on, but would he listen to her?
"Mom, what if he won't talk to me?"
"You won't know till you try, now show me the confident daughter I'm used to seeing."
JJ smiled widely and her mother laughed. "There she is, my beautiful strong daughter is back in my house. Which is a relief because now I won't have to go thrash that young man of yours."
"Mom!"
"I should go back to Virginia with you and take him over my knee for taking advantage of my drunken daughter."
"Mom! He didn't take advantage of me, he sort of just took me over…"
Jesus did I just say that to my mother?
"Honey, why are you so embarrassed, I know what it's like to feel overwhelmed by a man. Your father is great at making me feel that way."
"Mother, for God's sake, I don't want to hear you talk about Daddy like that!"
She watched in amazement as her mother laughed loudly. "Come on baby girl, let's get you packed.