Achieving Perfection
A Cinderella Fanfic
The only thing Drusilla ever wanted was to be loved.
When Drusilla was young, she visited the castle.
It wasn't a formal visit, at least, for her it wasn't. Mother went to talk with the king, and Anastasia, declaring herself mature, followed her. But Drusilla was much more interested in the castle. After all, it was so white and pure, so strange and fantastical in her child's mind.
Mother and Anastasia loved beautiful things, so Drusilla did too.
When Drusilla was young, she met Prince Charming.
He was her age, and even more beautiful than the castle he lived in. Drusilla was nervous; she saw him, and then she saw herself. He was the sun, the light of a dark world, and she stood on earthen ground, filthy like the mud she lived on. She ran and ran and ran, as if the quicker she left, the cleaner the prince would be, but she tripped, and she fell.
Drusilla fell, and she felt ugly.
She was a girl, a noble, she knew, and yet she sat sprawled across the dirt like a hog-loving heathen. She cried then, and even now, she cries whenever she remembers the feeling.
But the prince didn't. The prince looked at her with such indescribable feeling, and he extended a hand.
She took it.
He was the prince, she later justifies, and it would have been rude to decline.
Drusilla does not, will never admit that she accepted because she needed someone to help her.
Drusilla has never known what some people call 'unconditional love.'
Mother loved her sometimes, when she was pretty. When she succeeded. When she was perfect. Whenever she felt like it.
Anastasia loved her as an older sister – even though they were twins, Anastasia had insisted on being eldest. She was the prettiest, she said. She was the most talented. Mother loved her best. Drusilla only responded with tears.
But she's older now, and Drusilla knows that the tears won't fall now. Now, Drusilla knows that when she cries, it only rains in her heart.
Tears, says Mother, are ill befitting of a pretty face.
Ladies, says Mother, do not have tears.
Drusilla will never give what some people call 'unconditional love.'
Mother is perfect, and Mother says that the only ones that perfect people love are other perfect people. Drusilla wants to please Mother, and she wants to be loved by Mother, and she wants to be just as loved as Anastasia, and she really wants to love herself, so she becomes perfect.
It's hard to become perfect, because perfect means perfect, and when you're perfect, says Mother, you don't have room to be not-perfect. Only, Drusilla isn't all perfect, and she's sometimes not-perfect, and so she tries to be not-Drusilla.
It works.
When she looks in the mirror, she doesn't see Drusilla. She doesn't see Anastasia, either, and she doesn't see Mother. She sees perfect.
Mother says that everyone loves perfect people, and so, when Drusilla is perfect, she feels loved.
Mother's friends always say how pretty she is, and how nice, how perfect, and Drusilla laughs at Mother's friend's children. Drusilla flaunts what she has because it makes her perfect, and it makes her a lot more loved than those poor, poor not-perfect children. Drusilla lives on that feeling because she knows that someone else will always be worse off than her when she is perfect.
Drusilla will only ever love the people who love her first.
Drusilla doesn't need anyone to tell her that no one loves the ugly.
When Drusilla takes off the make-up, takes off the ribbons, the jewelry, the fancy, tight, complementing dresses, Drusilla sees ugly. Drusilla is disgusted by the ugly, and she knows that Anastasia and Mother will be disgusted by the ugly, so she doesn't let them see the ugly.
She doesn't let anyone see the ugly.
But Drusilla knows what the ugliness is, and she knows that the ugliness isn't really just ugliness.
Drusilla, you see, is a smart girl, and she knows that the ugliness is just Drusilla.
When Drusilla hides her ugliness, she hides Drusilla as well.
Drusilla wants to be perfect.
That's what she's been aiming for all along.
She splurges on fancy decorations in order to conceal the fact that she's really nothing without them. She curls her hair and styles it up really nice so that no one knows that she's ugly without it. She powders her face and reddens her lips and mascaras her lashes so that people focus on the perfect of the make-up instead of the not-perfect of Drusilla.
Drusilla has to work doubly hard because she sits next to a real perfect person.
She used to think that her whole family was perfect, but now she knows better. Drusilla knows that Mother isn't perfect, and she knows that Anastasia isn't the perfect one either. In the face of real perfection, Mother and Anastasia and Drusilla are just ugly.
Drusilla knows this because Drusilla knows that it's Cinderella who's perfect.
Now that Drusilla is older, Mother tells her that Prince Charming will marry the most perfect girl.
Drusilla is excited, but so are Anastasia and Cinderella. Drusilla is frightened that the prince will see Cinderella's perfection and know that Drusilla is not-perfect, so she tells Mother that Cinderella should stay home. Mother loves Drusilla's perfection and doesn't see Cinderella's real perfection, so she grants Drusilla's wish. Cinderella cries, but Drusilla savors this because perfect ladies don't cry.
The prince knows her, remembers her for her perfection, because when Drusilla smiles at him, he waves. Anastasia smiles too, and Mother, but the Prince only smiles back. Mother is proud; she thinks that Drusilla is being perfect. Anastasia sniffs, fluffs her hair up, and walks away to be more perfect.
Later, the prince drops by to talk to Drusilla. Drusilla laughs and employs every speckle and splatter of feminine charm at her disposal. The prince maintains his polite grin, but his eyes dance with amusement.
The world around Drusilla spins, but she doesn't care. She knows only that she is being perfect, and the Prince is always perfect, and that perfection falling in love with perfection creates the perfect love story.
Drusilla is too busy falling in love with perfection that she doesn't notice real perfection walking into the room.
But Prince Charming does.
He drops Drusilla, his polite smile falling. Drusilla snags hold of false hope, thinking that maybe his smile is disappearing because he is disgusted by the new not-perfection. She knows he isn't, though, because Drusilla already knows real perfection.
Drusilla used to know that if she was perfect, she would be loved.
She used to know that if she was perfect, she would fall in love with perfect.
Drusilla knows she's in love with perfect.
Drusilla knows now that the only perfect person is herself.
Drusilla knows that the only person who could love perfection is herself.
Drusilla knows that the only one who can love Drusilla...
...is herself.
It was a long time ago, but Drusilla used to think she wanted to be loved. She knows now that being loved is not enough. She knows now that she wants so much more than to be loved. Drusilla wants to be adored and treasured and enjoyed and cherished and esteemed. Drusilla wants so much that she's drowning, she thinks.
She thinks she wants to start over.
She wants to become perfect all over again, in a different way, in a perfect way.
When Drusilla undresses and begins to peel away the perfection, she discovers that there is nothing there. She panics, peels quicker.
Drusilla is no longer there. She can't find herself, not under all the infinite layers of perfection. In tears, except that the tears aren't coming, Drusilla searches and searches, but she's lost Drusilla.
Drusilla was the girl who wanted to please her mother. Drusilla was the girl who loved her sister. Drusilla was the girl who loved the prince, wanted to marry him.
Now that Drusilla has let go of that, Drusilla finds that she can't be Drusilla again.
She's known that.
Drusilla gathers up her sheddings, her torn perfection, her image of Drusilla, and Drusilla wears it.
She knows she cannot go backward – she's already made her decision and chosen her path. Drusilla knows that there's only forwards now, only one step to achieving perfection.
Drusilla gathers her remains so she can continue pretending to be perfect, pretending to be Drusilla, pretending to be someone she's not.
Drusilla leaves her house for the first time as not-Drusilla, and she sets off.
The only way she can become perfect is by finding someone who can love her, her and only her, for who she was, and who she did not become.
Only by fulfilling that impossible task can she achieve perfection.
Drusilla cries, somewhere inside, because she knows no one can really love her now.
She is not perfect yet, and she knows that no one loves a not-perfect person.
I haven' t actually watched Cinderella or anything so my facts are probably wrong. So don't go yelling that I'm a kid who just makes crap up, because trust me, I already know that. Other than that, hope you enjoyed, and drop a review if you want to.