Melissa Sue and the Prophecy of Doom and things

Chapter 1:

It was a dark and stormy night - a night so dark and scary Melissa Sue, intrepid social justice warrior of the internet, stayed inside. Anyweggs, Melissa was eating food and watching her horrendous Korean soap operas while blogging on tumblr when suddenly...

Harry Potter busted through her bedroom door, only this was no ordinary Harry: His face was shrouded in mascara and foundation, and his lips were colored violet by the new brand of chap stick he was wearing. His mascara smeared down his pallid face, indicating that he had been crying for quite some time.

"Aw, Gee," Melissa said with a gleam in her eye, "If it isn't my favorite boy-wizard. What brings you into this neck of woods, Harold?"

Harry furrowed his brow and waved his arms around like a looney, his feet tap dancing away and his mouth quivering and sputtering tiny whimpers, an expression of what seemed to be great fear. "Oh, Melissa!" The bespectacled wizard exclaimed, keeping a steady tempo with his dancing and waving. "It's horrible - oh so terrible!"

"Calm down Harry my old chap, do not speak in such haste."

"But, milady Melissa," Harry stopped his effeminate dancing, but struggled to keep his composure. Surely, whatever was on his mind spelled great danger. "Voldemort is attacking Hogwarts, and I appear to have lost my wand! Without my magic, Hogwarts is sure to crumble under the weight of Voldemort and his Death Eaters!"

Melissa stood up with her mouth agape. Voldemort attacking Hogwarts? What a very convenient set up to this angst/romance fan-fiction. "You speak in truth, Harry?" Melissa retorted with a gulp of fear. "Then it is settled. I will escort you to your wizarding world, where I will use my powers to aid the students of Hogwarts."

Melissa stood tall now, her chin held high and her brunette locks flourishing behind her like a majestic flowing cloak. "For you see, Harry, I am no ordinary girl, aged 13-21, I am..." Melissa ran her delicate fingers through her hair in what seemed to be slow motion. Harry gazed in awe, his eyes sparkling in the utter beauty he was beholding.

"I am..." Melissa continued. The American flag suddenly sprouted like a freshly bloomed spring flower from behind her, and flowed in all of its red, white and blue glory. "...A writer of fan-fiction."

Harry's eyes were positively glowing; Melissa had appeared to emit an aura of radioactive waste. However, the dense boy-wonder of the wizarding realm took this as a sign of Melissa's outward beauty and couldn't keep himself from applauding.

"Oh, thank you O beautiful one!" Harry beamed as more tears - these tears ones of happiness - fell like a waterfall down his foundation-laden cheeks. "It has been prophesied in the third volume of the Great Book of Run-on Exposition that a beautiful temptress from Washington is the only one powerful enough to defeat Voldemort and restore -" Harry inhaled to catch his breath. "Peace and order in the wizarding realm! It is no doubt that you are that very same beautiful temptress, and you live in some bumble-fuck town in Washington!"

"Well, Harry, that is an extraordinarily large pill of convenience to swallow."

"But the Book never lies! You match its elaborate descriptions perfectly, and if you need it to be proven as a reliable source, it predicted that John Carter would be a humongous flop!"

"That may be Harry, however I cannot accept such a paramount title just yet, because I must remain modest or whatever despite knowing I possess great abilities - abilities that dwarf your bitch-ass wizard shit." Melissa flaunted her hair once more, eliciting an over-excited squeal from Mr. Potter.

"But enough talk, Harry my in-decent fellow. We must make haste to your wizarding world. Take my hand Harry," Melissa extended her beautiful pale hand to the cowering wizard, who gave her a quizzical look.

"What for? Surely we will take *my* broom?"

"Roads?" Melissa smirked as she took Harry by the hand with great force. Sunglasses magically descended gracefully onto her face. "Where we're going we don't need any roads."

"I don't think that quote is very relev-" Harry was cut short by a sudden explosion that erupted from beneath him. From the soles of Melissa's chucks, a great blaze protruded. Suddenly, the two blasted through the roof of Melissa's apartment building. Harry could barely hold onto his lunch, and he struggled to manage his pleas for Melissa to set him down between his bawling and his fearful gibberish.

"Hush Harry, do not fret!" Melissa yelled through the loud blaring of her rocket-propelled All-Stars. Mysteriously, her sunglasses were still intact, whereas Harry's round spectacles were lost when the two passed over the Atlantic ocean. "With these upgraded shoes that I built on my own merit because I'm super awesome, we will reach Hogwarts in mere minutes! Gaze in my glory Harry-Chan uwu"

Soon enough, the two came to a sudden stop in front of the grand entrance of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and something or other. Upon first landing, Harry found a bush to release the vomit that he had almost choked on during the duo's amazing flight.

Melissa, however, stood strong and confident, like a powerful and independent Lioness standing up to her cub's assailants. "Hogwarts..." she whispered under her breath. She clenched her hand into a tight fist, digging her nails into her palm. "My 6th sense has picked up that Voldemort has murder approximately 68.34% of the student population, and 43% of the faculty."

Slowly and with a steady hand, Melissa removed her sunglasses and flaunted her hair, a tear silently gliding down her delicate cheek. "That bastard Voldemort will pay, for he also murdered my parents...and my uncle...and my sensei."

"Oh, he killed your parents too?" Harry inquired between spurts of vomit. "That's terribly sa-"

"SHUT UP, YOU DON'T KNOW MY PAIN," Melissa screeched as she covered her eyes and bawled. The crying did not last for long, however, as her confidence returned to her almost immediately. "We must go, Harry, and end his treachery. We must fulfill...the prophecy."

And then Harry wretched again.

Will Melissa defeat Voldemort? Is Harry Potter going to stop vomiting? Or is the Prophecy of Doom one of it's namesake? Who knows! Find out next time!...If I can be bothered to write the second chapter.

Is there any point to even leave a review on a parody? I'll let you be the judge...

But the answer is yes, so do it.