Eden Prime
If you play Dragon Age and like this, you might also enjoy Ridiculously Awesome. RA is another rather silly story that I wrote that is sort of the DA:O version of this. Thanks to all the players of both who harassed me into writing this story…
Commander's Log,
Supposed to visit some place called "Eden Prime" today. I've heard that it's some kind of "paradise". Which sounds awesome, as I like going to pretty places and shooting things. I'm kind of wondering if it's like Hawaii, which is also described as a paradise. If it does, I need to go sunbathing before I leave, as weeks of space travel have made me really pasty.
According to the captain, my team's supposed to follow some alien. I do not like aliens, so object to this order. Captain Anderson told me to behave as he's evaluating me. Really don't want aliens evaluating me, and told this to Anderson. He told me to shove it. So now I don't like him very well, either.
Am kind of pissed off. But luckily, the mission will involve shooting, which should help me work off some of the aggression. There's nothing I like better than shooting stuff, especially them aliens.
Signing off,
Faeol
Commander's Log,
Eden Prime does not look like Hawaii. Reputation of it being a paradise is false advertising. Probably invented by a salarian, or another sneaky alien. Knew I shouldn't trust them.
Lost one of my men almost instantly. Think he shouted "Leeeeeroy!" before he charged. Kind of glad he was shot, as he annoyed me with dumb jokes on the shuttle ride down. Plus, if he died that easily, he is weak, and probably not a valuable addition to the team.
Got a new girl. Tough. I like her. Unlike the rest of these pansy colonists, she managed to survive the attack. I'll need to buy her a drink after this mission's over. Hope she didn't lose anyone valuable here, as that would suck for her. If she did, will console her with the fact that they were probably weak and had it coming.
Signing off,
Faeol
Commander's Log,
Apparently fighting intelligent machines called "geth". Unsure as to why we can't just reprogram them, or fry their circuitry with radiation. They seem good at reprogramming us into weird zombie creatures. If they try to eat my brains, I'm out of here.
Geth seem to use weird spikes to reprogram colonists. Unsure as to why the spikes reprogram people, and recommend getting it looked into. Will drop into suggestion box when back on ship, despite that I have a sneaking suspicion that Anderson doesn't read them. Bastard.
Signing off,
Faeol
Commander's Log,
Huh, stupid alien we're supposed to be following died. Kind of glad, as resented following him. Wish I could buy whoever killed him a drink. Killer does not appear to be coward lurking behind the boxes. Sort of wish that I could kill him over disappointment, but didn't.
Killed geth, also killed the zombies. Rode a monorail. Disarmed some bombs. Hacked some boxes, and got some new stuff. All in all, a good day's work.
Signing off,
Faeol
Commander's Log,
Found beacon. Kind of phallic looking. Wonder if Protheans also had Freudian issues and/or penises and penis jokes. May need to discuss, if I ever find a xeno-archeologist. Kaidan seemed interested in the thing. Did not listen to my advice to stay away from weird glowy things, so had to push him out of the way.
Beacon got me instead. Had strange hallucinations that made absolutely no sense. Kind of like that one time I tried LSD. Note to self, in the future, avoid synthetic chemicals and weird alien technology. Especially if it's glowing and making a weird humming noise. Humming noises aren't good, as I learned long ago back at the farm with that old electric fence.
Signing off,
Faeol
Commander's Log,
Captain Anderson very interested in Prothean drug-trip. Wants me to talk about it to the Council. Hell no! I do not want to discuss weird ass creepy visions with random aliens. Told Anderson this, but he is relentless. Next time, I want to work for a more understanding commander. Wish that Space Marines did not require two year contract. The things I do to pay for college…
Sadly, do not have command of the ship, so if I ever want to get back to Earth, think that I need to talk to the stupid Council. Hope that whatever meds they put me on to get rid of psychosis don't make me gain weight.
Signing off,
Faeol
As those who've read my prior work know, I love ideas/suggestions. Please throw any brilliant ideas you have at me so that I don't get bored/confused/totally unfunny. (No one wants to read non-funny humor, right?)