She heard the girl called her name. Lexa?
Yes, she was Lexa. She still knows she is but right now she was programmed to help this girl who called for her with the Flame. But the compulsion to protect this girl was too strong that Lexa was in rage to see her in pain. She did not turn; she did not look back just yet. Her focus was on the people in front of her.
They attacked her. They almost killed her.
With both swords unsheathed on her hands, reinvigorated Lexa finished them all, she killed each one of them the way she used to before, before she ascended to power, to commandership, before when there were no sentries to protect her and do her biddings. No one told her what to do or how to do it. All Lexa knew before was that she cannot let the reapers take any more of her people. Her breathing was fast and she could feel her beating heart again. No one even get to touch her personal space, she slashed and stabbed before they could even try. Suddenly, it was all too familiar and too surreal but one thing was missing.
A presence pressing against her back.
Though Lexa can feel her old mentor, smirking as they fought back to back together like they always did against the reapers, but right now it was just that. Anya's presence was there assuring her that Lexa was real, that she was once a person and not just a remnant of the Commander's spirit.
She was growling as she finished the last one, the view was unpleasant until she looked back.
There she was, Clarke.
Her Clarke.
Lexa sheathed her swords back and ran to her. Clarke desperately reached out for her and at the same time her heart and soul were too. "I'm here. I'm here, Clarke."
Saying her name out loud, everything came back to Lexa. Clarke came back to her.
"It's you." Clarke touched her face, brushing her fingers on Lexa's cheeks and lips. Then Lexa smiled for the first time since she existed in this reality.
"You're real." She said, "Lexa, I–"
"Shhh." In sync, they pulled each other in for a longing embrace and for a moment no one wanted to let go. Lexa more but her protocol was clearly more important. "We need to get out of here."
Clarke held her a little longer. There was a faint whimper to Lexa's ear and a little longer Lexa was in bliss.
They ran together, Lexa can still remember why this felt vaguely familiar. Everything beside Clarke is but this one was just too much. The only differences were, this time it is her who held Clarke and it is not just a beast that is after them. Clarke refused to leave her behind then and it was the very moment Lexa questioned her mantra.
Love is not weakness but it is everyone's undoing.
Clarke was her undoing.
Beside her, Clarke huffed. "We are beyond past that, Lexa."
Every time Clarke uttered her name, Lexa can feel everything coming back to her piece by piece. The first time Lexa watched over Clarke as she slept, to the last time Lexa saw her face crying in front of her as she watched Lexa die the first time. Everything was becoming more vivid that her Commander protocol was slowly falling in to background.
Lexa, however, was not surprised. Clarke has the Flame. Clarke literally has Lexa in her mind.
"If I have to do it again, I still won't leave you." Clarke grasped for air. "Not then, not now, not ever."
Lexa was aware that Clarke's body was trembling and that she cannot continue this way. She took Clarke to a safe corner to let her rest though there was this silent part of Lexa that was feeling angry, she wanted to scream. Lexa recalled her protocol.
Help the Commander and protect her.
Lexa's code and state of mind were at war. This was not like her, she left Clarke, she died and now she cannot bring herself to say anything to assuage and assure Clarke. Lexa resented it.
"I thought I'd never see you again, I–" Clarke started.
There it was again. Lexa did not want to verbally hear it. The same way she never told Clarke. Lexa thought it was a way to spare Clarke's feelings. Clarke will move on, she will, but Lexa? Lexa will forever exist in the Flame along with her pain and Lexa does not need any more pain.
"Shhhh." Pain of dying and leaving Clarke alone. "You don't have to say anything. I know everything."
Clarke's eyes held her closer than her arms did. "Everything?"
"Everything after I passed on." Lexa had to let the protocol stop her from saying, after I left you. "I know. We all do."
"We?" Despite Clarke's labored breathing she managed to process everything. "The past Commanders."
Lexa nods. She recognized the look in Clarke's eyes. She was almost in the edge of her own emotions as Lexa was too. Only her code was preventing it from breaking, Lexa knew that it would obstruct their quest to save everyone.
But for Clarke's sake, "I told you my spirit would choose wisely."
Lexa smiled and Clarke painfully mirrored hers.
Just as when they were about to proceed, Clarke decided to break. Her body was violently shaking, her eyes shut close and blood streamed out her nose. Lexa gently took Clarke into her arms with her own mind racing. Now Lexa knew how Clarke's pain felt when she died.
"Clarke? Clarke? No, don't do this to me, Clarke." Lexa's code was betraying her, "We need you."
And also the feeling of being able to do nothing but watch Clarke as she slip away from her and feel the devastation. Lexa was certain that people were also trying to save Clarke from the other side. Lexa held back a snarl and a sob. If only she were alive. The only thing Lexa could do right now was hold the love of her life in her arms and could not even whisper how much she was scared to lose Clarke. Clarke was there beside her until Lexa was not anymore when she died and even now Lexa can still hear last words to her.
I don't want the next Commander, I want you.
In peace may you leave the shore, in love may you find the next, safe passage on your travels, until our final journey to the ground, may we meet again.
She left in peace, she found Clarke in this next life and they met again. But right now, Clarke was in the verge of death and Lexa herself cannot even do the same thing for Clarke.
"Clarke?" Lexa can do nothing more but call her name. "Clarke!"
Then Clarke opens her eyes and Lexa's thousand emotions came to a halt and the code was hammering in her skull. They need to move now.
But then Clarke sat up. Her breathing was as unsteady as Lexa's for the panic earlier. Clarke fervently looked into her eyes and down to Lexa's mouth and leaned in, kissing her. Lexa felt the desperation, Clarke's urgency to kiss her. It was Clarke's own way to fight her own encryptions without saying anything. Lexa understood everything that Clarke had gone through regardless of knowing every single thing that happened. Clarke crying on her death bed, Ontari slaying her novitiates, Titus tragically killing himself in guilt, Luna refusing to take the Flame, Clarke apologizing to her… everything. The way Clarke held the Flame close to her heart to the way she was kissing Lexa right now. Lexa did not need any more words.
If one can die and come back to life with a kiss. Lexa should definitely have. Her mind finally felt her physical heart beat to life. She touched Clarke's face, the face that always calmed the storm in Lexa, her eyes caved in against her code as they always have in front of Clarke. The urge to kiss Clarke again was too strong but Lexa was able to stop even without her protocol helping.
When all of a sudden everything else turned dark,
"It's Allie." Lexa automatically knew. "She knows why you are here. She's throwing everything she's got to make sure you don't find it."
Lexa is with her for merely ten minutes, the same way it was last time; with the world ticking down on them.
When she got the Flame in her mind, Clarke saw how to end Allie and the City of Light but that was only immediately after Lexa's emotions swept Clarke, she felt Lexa's pain of the what could have beens if she was not dying. Lexa could have been there waiting for her to return after the blockade was lifted, after everything was settled and they could have been together now facing this crisis side by side. It was more painful than the actual pain of the Flame and her body fighting but what was more unbearable was when Clarke heard all of Lexa's thoughts concurrently as she was crying in front of her, reciting the Traveler's Blessing.
In peace may you leave the shore.
I will never get to kiss her again,
In love may you find the next.
Or hold her hand,
Safe passage on your travels,
Or hear her laughter,
Until our final journey to the ground,
Or see her face again,
May we meet again.
Or tell her how I feel.
Clarke has to save both of her people and Lexa's but right now everything was in full blur just as before. When Lexa first kissed her, suddenly she was able to breathe again after they landed on Earth. Everything made sense to Clarke but at the same time it was still all too complicated. When Lexa died in her arms, Clarke forgot how to breathe again but now that Lexa's beside her once more she did not want to run so fast to find the kill switch but she has to. She never wanted to let go of Lexa's hand but Lexa seemed too determined to get this fight over with and save everyone.
That was the Commander she knew and cared for. Clarke tried to ignore the little but searing frustration in her heart that it felt as if Lexa was not scared to lose her after this battle unlike her. Lexa, her Lexa, the Commander, ran ahead of her, anxiously searching for Becca's signs. Clarke watched her closely, trying to memorize every detail of Lexa. She spent too long trying to hide the pain of losing Lexa that she did not notice that Lexa's beautiful face, that face that she once drew was already fading away. The only thing that stayed vivid were the dead eyes that remained looking into hers after Clarke kissed Lexa for the last time. Clarke did not want to see Lexa's ocean green eyes that way forever, she cannot.
"Lexa, wait!" Her lungs exploded but when Lexa rushed back to her side, Clarke surprisingly fell into her knees, as if her body knew Lexa would not let her fall.
Lexa pulled her up and that was the only thing Clarke needed. She clutched Lexa's arms tight. She stared deep into Lexa's eyes. Underneath the war paint she had always loved, Lexa's eyes were still the same. Lexa's eyes spoke for her and Clarke knew but just as quickly, Lexa tore away.
They faced a dead end and Clarke's vision of saving everyone started to feel the same way.
"We'll find another–"
"I can't let you do that." Said another voice that Clarke recognized as Jasper and he was smiling, something Clarke thought she took away from him when Maya died. "I can't let you find it, Clarke."
"You?"
"Now that you have seen the City of Light, don't you think it's our salvation?" Jasper brandished his arms.
"In exchange of losing our memories? Our free will? People get to choose how they live, Jasper!"
Clarke almost added that life is about more than just surviving but she stopped herself.
"Humans are the only species that act against their own self interest." Jasper was eerily calm. "We hurt each other. We kill each other. We–" he glanced at Lexa and smirked, "break each other's hearts."
The upgrade was almost done and Clarke cannot let that happen or this was all for nothing. She cannot let Allie take the Flame away from her.
"Once Allie's code is updated, you don't have to do anything else. There will be no more kill switch. You don't have to hold the Flame anymore, Clarke. Not when she's here."
Clarke turned to Lexa and began thinking. "If I remove the Flame…"
"Yes, that would stop the upgrade." Lexa answered but Clarke was not thinking about that. "But no one has ever done that and Allie will have it either way, Clarke."
"If you do then," It was Jasper who voice out what was in her head. "you'll never see her again, ever. Is that what you want, Clarke?"
No.
Clarke saw the glint of the brimming tears in Lexa's eyes but as always Lexa hid it. Lexa's eyes behind her war paint have been always always challenging to decipher until she made her feelings for Clarke clear.
Not everyone, not you.
Now Clarke was facing the exact opposite thing.
Save everyone, but not you.
"Clarke, there is no pain in the City of Light, no suffering in the City of Light." Clarke cannot even look at her friend. "You can be happy here just like me. No pain because of your father and Wells, not even Mt. Weather and Lexa."
Clarke looked up at the mention of Lexa.
"This is not real, Jasper. My father, my best friend and Lexa are." Clarke cried. "And how do I know that? How do I tell myself that? You want to know, Jasper? Because I feel them. I feel the pain of losing them. Pain is real."
Clarke could feel Lexa reaching for her by sheer will but she knew better, it was because Lexa is within her. "I already tried running away from my pain but right now it's that pain I want to remember. I'm not like you, Jasper. I want to keep that pain–"
She then turned to look at Lexa and find her eyes.
"–if it means keeping them with me forever."
Clarke will hold on to the pain, the same pain she was going to hold on to after this.
There was no time though. Allie had sent her whole army to get Clarke, Lexa and not her protocol cannot let that happen. She will protect Clarke not because she was programmed to do so but because Lexa, her own conscious being will.
In the corner of her eye, Lexa saw a vault appeared on the wall beside them. She called for Clarke and she knew it was a guide from her friend Raven. Time was running and so Lexa used force to shove this boy Jasper out of their way. Clarke ran after her and when the reinforcements charged, Lexa turned away to fend them off.
"Go, I'll hold them off." It was her way to save Clarke from anymore pain.
"No! Lexa, wait!" Clarke screamed. "NO!"
And with that everybody unattached to the Flame froze. Clarke may not know it but Lexa felt it, Clarke just wielded the power of the Flame.
"Lexa I–"
"I know, Clarke." Lexa felt like she was back to her chambers before Clarke said her goodbyes and before they consummated their feelings for each other. "You have to go and save your people," Lexa was not going to end things like this twice. "That's why I–"
"I love you, Lexa." Clarke cut her. Her lustrous blue eyes sparkled with tears. "I have always known it's you since TonDc. I have always known I cared since you–we kissed. I knew I'd follow you anywhere since we marched together to the mountain. That was why it felt like death when you left me." Clarke gushed, she was crying and Lexa was internally crying as well.
Lexa could still feel the excruciating guilt of leaving Clarke and her people to die. She spent those three months in Polis hiding behind her Commander façade but everything was eating up Lexa inside. She hated herself for being the Commander, she never wanted to be Heda, she just wanted to protect her people from the reapers and when she was taken away to prepare for the conclave, she told herself enough. Lexa did not want any more war and bloodshed, she united the clans not for her own legacy but because she was tired of pain, of losing the people she love and she was dead sure that she did not want her people, all of them, to suffer the same way she had. She lost Anya and her home simply because she was a nightblood, she lost Costia because she was the Commander and she almost lost Clarke because of the same reason, she did what she has to. When Blood must not have blood happened, Lexa knew her commandership was at stake but she did not care, she was doing it not for Clarke but for peace.
Maybe someday you and I will owe nothing more to our people.
She strive hard for peace, they both have. But Lexa more… she wanted to finally be able to go home. Go home to Clarke. Lexa never wanted to hurt her but she had to and that was Lexa's only regret. Since then she swore to never again hurt Clarke until she died and left the person she loved the most once again, only this time permanently.
"It hurt because… because I gave you my heart first and I did not even know it." Clarke gasped for air in epiphany. "It took Roan to almost kill you before I knew for myself. I never hated you, I… I love you Lexa kom Trikru. I… I vow to never bow down to anyone else. I vow to hold on to the Flame–your spirit and the pain of losing you until I die… until we meet again."
Clarke's emotions fell into place and so did the time again. Allie's army dashed towards them.
She knew she loved this girl. Lexa loved her until she died and that was enough. If it was just her, Lexa would have kissed Clarke one last time and tell her how much she loves Clarke but she still cannot put her swords down just yet.
"I'll always be with you." Lexa smiled and slipped away from Clarke's hands, forever until they meet again.