ALRIGHT. LEFT YOU AT A BIT OF A CLIFFHANGER, DIDN'T I. IT'S APPARENTLY BECAUSE. SOMEONE HATES ME SO MUCH. THAT THEY ARE WILLING TO REMOVE MY STORIES FROM THIS SITE. DO NOT FEAR, THOUGH. ALL OF THEM ARE BACKED UP BY NONE OTHER. THAN THE NOBLE CIRCLE OF THE HORRORTERRORS ITSELF. THEREFORE MY PRESENCE ACROSS PARADOX SPACE REMAINS ETERNAL.

AT ANY RATE. CALIBORN PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS.

BIOSHOCK INFINITE.

FOR THIS ONE. I WILL NEED TO INTRODUCE YOU TO A VERY PECULIAR PAIR. FOR THE PURPOSES OF THE STORY. THEY WILL BE CALLED. THE MALE BITCH. AND THE BITCH MALE. THEY HAVE A CONVOLUTED BACKSTORY. THAT WILL REQUIRE AN EXPLANATION. OF COURSE, SINCE I HAVE NO TIME TO AGONIZE OVER EVERY DETAIL. THE EXPLANATION WILL HAVE TO BE AS SHORT AS POSSIBLE.

THE EXPLANATION THAT I HAVE CREATED IS AS FOLLOWS.

THE MALE BITCH IS THE BITCH MALE FROM AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE WHERE HE WAS BORN A BITCH.

THE BITCH MALE IS THE MALE BITCH FROM AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE WHERE SHE WAS BORN A MALE.

GOT IT? I DIDN'T EITHER.

ANYWAY. SO THE CHARACTER YOU PLAY AS. WHO, FOR SOME REASON, HAS TWO NAMES. THAT OF BOOKER DEWITT. AND ANOTHER WHICH I WILL BE MENTIONING SOON. HAS GOTTEN IN DEBT TO THE MALE BITCH AND THE BITCH MALE. SO HE HAS TO "BRING US THE GIRL. AND WIPE AWAY THE DEBT." SO HE HEADS. TO THE MALE BITCH'S CREATION. WHICH IS A FLOATING CITY. CALLED "COLUMBIA." AND IS BASICALLY A BACKDROP TO THE ENTIRE PLOT.

THERE, THOUGH. THE DEWITT MALE IS IDENTIFIED BY SOME PEOPLE. AS "THE FALSE PROPHET." VIA A MARKING THAT READS "AD." (WHICH I CAN ONLY PRESUME. IS A LINK TO A CHARACTER OF THE HOMOSUCK PAINT ADVENTURE NUMBER THREE. ACE DICK.) AND THEREFORE. EVERYONE WANTS TO KILL HIM. BECAUSE OTHERWISE. THE GAME WOULD BE BORING.

HOWEVER. OUR DEWITT MALE IS MORE THAN EQUIPPED TO FIGHT EVERYONE. BECAUSE IN ADDITION TO BIG-ASS GUNS. HE GETS THESE SUPERPOWERS. THAT ARE CALLED "VIGORS." WHICH ALLOW HIM TO PERFORM AWESOME STUFF. LIKE ALL OF YOUR WEAK SBURB TITLES COMBINED INTO ONE. IT DOESN'T MATTER IN THE LONG RUN, THOUGH. OUR DEWITT MALE KEEPS DYING. AND BEING RETURNED TO HIS OFFICE. WHICH HE HAS TO EXIT. TO RETURN TO THE GAME.

SO ANYWAY. I AM NOT IN HERE FOR THE GAMEPLAY DETAILS. I AM IN HERE FOR THE STORY DETAILS. GAMES ARE ONLY FOR GAINING ENJOYMENT. NOT FRUSTRATION. AS YOU DIE OVER AND OVER. OUR DEWITT MALE FINALLY. WHEN HE JUMPS OUT OF SOME SORT OF ZEPPELIN. FINDS THE GIRL. TRAPPED IN SOME TOWER BY SOME PEDOPHILE. (WHO MAY OR MAY NOT BE A LITERAL CUEBALL.) AND IT TURNS OUT. THAT THE GIRL IS EVEN MORE EQUIPPED FOR FIGHT THAN OUR DEWITT MALE. BECAUSE.

1) SHE CAN OPEN PORTALS. NOT ONLY TO HER OWN UNIVERSE. BUT ALSO TO ALTERNATE UNIVERSES. WHICH ARE CALLED "TEARS." BECAUSE SHE LOST A FINGER. AND THEREFORE. THESE TEARS CAN LEAD. TO USEFUL SUPPLIES. THAT OUR DEWITT MALE CAN STEAL. WITHOUT REALLY STEALING THEM.

2) SHE NEVER. FUCKING. DIES. HOW IT IS EVEN POSSIBLE FOR A GIRL NOT TO DIE. WHEN SHE DOESN'T HAVE ANY SORT OF WEAPON WITH HERSELF. IS MY QUESTION.

3) SHE IS BASICALLY. AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE VERSION OF THAT ONE BITCH. FROM THE HALF-LIFE 2 SERIES? IT'S THE ONLY WAY. IN WHICH THESE THEORIES MAKE ANY SENSE.

ANYWAY. SO OUR DEWITT MALE AND THE GIRL ESCAPE. FROM THE PEDOPHILE TOWER. WHICH ENDED UP BEING DESTROYED. BY SOME GIANT ROBOT BIRD. THAT IS PROBABLY FROM PORTAL 2. SINCE IT HAD BOTH ROBOTS AND BIRDS. BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER. BECAUSE THE GIRL. COUPLED WITH OUR DEWITT MALE. ARE LITERALLY. "LA FORCE INDESTRUCTABLE." TO USE YOUR HUMAN. "FOREIGN LANGUAGE." BUT THEY DON'T. BECAUSE THE GIANT ROBOT BIRD NEARLY KILLS THEM. AND THEY END UP AT A BEACH.

SO THEN. THE DEWITT MALE AND THE GIRL HEAD. TO SOME AIRSHIP. BUT TURNS OUT. THAT THE AIRSHIP YOU NEED TO GET TO THE AIRSHIP. IS NOT POWERED BY ELECTRICITY. BUT RATHER SOMETHING ELSE. CALLED "SHOCK JOCKEY." AND THEREFORE. THE MISSION GOES TO SOMEWHERE ELSE. WHERE THERE IS A PERSON NAMED SLATE. AND A SHOCKING DISCOVERY. THAT OUR GIRL. IS IN FACT THE DAUGHTER. OF THE PRESIDENT OF THE CITY. SOMEONE NAMED COMCAST? WAIT, NO, COMSTOCK. I'M SORRY. (I'M NOT SORRY. THAT WAS A JOKE.)

SO ONCE THEY GET TO THE AWESOME BIG AIRSHIP. OUR BOOKER MALE LED IT TO NEW YORK. BUT OUR GIRL WANTED TO GO TO PARIS. SO SHE K.O.'D HIM. AND WHEN HE REAWAKENED. OUR DEWITT MALE WAS NOW. AT THE SIDE OF SOME BITCH. NAMED DAISY FITZROY. WHO TOLD HIM. TO FIND SOMEONE ELSE. NAMED CHEN LIN. BUT THEN OUR BOOKER MALE FOUND THE GIRL. AND THEY BEGAN WORKING. TOWARDS HER GOAL. OF REACHING PARIS.

SO THEY GOT TO CHEN FUCKING LIN. BUT THEN IT TURNED OUT THAT. CHEN LIN WAS DEAD. BUT THEN THEN. THE BITCH MALE AND THE MALE BITCH REVEALED AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE. WHERE HE WAS NEVER DEAD. BUT THEN. HIS TOOLS WERE STOLEN. SO IT WAS NOW A HEAD. TO THE POLICE STATION. WHERE THE TOOLS WERE STORED.

OF COURSE. THE PROBLEM WAS. THAT EVERYTHING WAS TOO HEAVY. TO BE CARRIED BY HAND. SO THE THING THAT THE GIRL COMES UP WITH. IS GOING TO A THIRD ALTERNATE UNIVERSE. WHERE OUR BOOKER MALE DIED. A HEROIC DEATH. FURTHERMORE CONFIRMING. THAT HE IS INDEED A GOD TIER.

BUT THEN. IT TURNS OUT. THAT THE FITZROY SOMEONE. COULDN'T BEAR HAVING OUR BOOKER MALE ALIVE. SO THEN SUDDENLY. EVERYONE TURNED AGAINST HIM. AND THUS. IT WAS NOW A GAME. TO KILL THE FITZROY SOMEONE. SO THAT SHE WOULDN'T SPOUT BULLSHIT. YEAH. KILL THAT IRRELEVANT SOMEONE.

EXCEPT. THE VOX POPULI. WHICH IS AN ORGANIZATION RUN BY FITZROY. THE WAY CALIBORN PRODUCTIONS IS AN ORGANIZATION RUN BY ME. WANTED HIM DEAD ANYWAY. SO REALLY. WHATEVER THE HELL.

ALSO. THE MALE BITCH AND THE BITCH MALE APPEARED AGAIN. GIVING OUR BOOKER MALE AND THE GIRL. A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT. SAYING THAT THIS WAY. THE GIANT ROBOT BIRD FROM PORTAL 2 COULD BE TAMED. BECAUSE IT HAD GROWN OUT OF CONTROL. AND *NEEDED* TO BE TAMED.

SO ANYWAY. OUR BOOKER MALE AND THE GIRL HEADED WHEREVER. WHEN SUDDENLY. THE GIRL'S MOTHER APPEARED. BOTH DEAD AND ALIVE. LIKE A SCHRODINGER'S FUCKING FINAL BOSS. AND THEN SAID. THAT EVERYONE SPREAD LIES. SO THEN. OUR BOOKER MALE AND THE GIRL SET OUT. TO REACH THE TRUTH.

OF COURSE. THEN THE GIANT ROBOT BIRD INTERVENED. AND ALSO THE GIRL. AND THEN. THEY SENT OUR BOOKER MALE. INTO THE FUTURE. (IT IS NOT A WEEK, THOUGH. IT IS SOMETHING. LIKE SEVENTY-TWO YEARS.) AND THERE HE DISCOVERED. THAT COLUMBIA HAD SET OUT. TO DESTROY NEW YORK CITY. IN A SORT OF BAD FUTURE. AND THEREFORE. OUR BOOKER MALE'S MISSION WAS NOW. TURNING BACK TO THE PAST. AND RESCUING ELIZABETH. I MEAN THE GIRL. WHO THE HELL *IS* ELIZABETH, ANYWAY?

SO ANYWAY. NOW THE EVENTS TOOK PLACE. ON ANOTHER ZEPPELIN. THE "HAND OF THE PROPHET." WHERE COMCAST WAS HOSTED. AND OUR BOOKER MALE. KILLED COMCAST. AND FOUND OUT. THAT THEY CAN CONTROL THE GIANT ROBOT BIRD FROM PORTAL 2. BY PLAYING THE SONG. C-A-G-E. EXCEPT IT'S NOT THAT. IT'S CAGE. REMEMBER OUR HISTORY WITH ACRONYMS. NST. EVA. AND NOW CAGE. IT'S A WORD. NOT AN ACRONYM.

AND THEN. OUR BOOKER MALE AND THE GIRL. FINALLY SET OUT TO DESTROY THE VOX POPULI. SINCE THEY WOULD HAVE DESTROYED EVERYTHING OTHERWISE. BUT EITHER WAY. EVERYTHING WAS DESTROYED. AND OUR BOOKER MALE, THE GIRL AND THE GIANT ROBOT BIRD FROM PORTAL 2. ENDED UP. AT AN UNDERWATER CITY. WHICH DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. I'LL HAVE TO AGREE WITH OUR BOOKER MALE HERE.

AND THEN. THE GIRL BECAME EVEN MORE POWERFUL. AS IF SHE HADN'T BEEN POWERFUL ENOUGH ALREADY. AND SHE BEGAN KNOWING. ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING. INCLUDING THESE SCENES.

1) OUR BOOKER MALE. GIVING HIS INFANT DAUGHTER. TO THE MALE BITCH AND THE BITCH MALE. BECAUSE THE OMNISCIENT *ISN'T* THE GIRL. AND NOW I'LL HAVE TO GO BACK. AND CHANGE EVERYTHING. EXCEPT I WON'T. BECAUSE WHAT I WROTE IN THE PAST. IS IN THE PAST.

2) SOME SORT OF HUMAN RITUAL? WHERE OUR BOOKER MALE. WOULD HAVE GOTTEN RID OF EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED THUS SO FAR. AND BECOME THE COMCAST PRESIDENT. BUT HE REFUSED.

3) THE SAME SCENE. EXCEPT NOW. MANY MORE VERSIONS OF THE GIRL APPEARED. AND DROWNED HIM. BEFORE HE COULD ACCEPT OR REJECT THE RITUAL. AND THUS. ALL THE OMNISCIENTS DISAPPEARED. EXCEPT FOR ONE.

4) AND THE FINAL SCENE. WHERE OUR DEWITT MALE IS IN HIS OFFICE. CALLING FOR HIS DAUGHTER. THAT WASN'T EVEN TAKEN AWAY TO BEGIN WITH.

YEAH. I CAN'T MAKE SENSE OF IT EITHER. I'LL JUST HAVE TO QUIT HERE. SINCE THE STORY QUITS HERE ANYWAY.

THE END.

"LEAVE ME SUGGESTIONS. ON WHAT STORY. I SHOULD BE TAKING ON NEXT. I MEAN. I AM AN EXPERT ON THIS. I WILL HANDLE THIS.

FAREWELL. BITCHES AND ASSHOLES.

tumut"