Just a little story set at the time when Syed was in therapy and tried to cure his gay feelings. I guess he had many nights suffering from insomnia back then...
For everyone on WFCTGIO! Reviews would be great :)xx!
I'm exhausted. I need to sleep. It's easy – breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out… don't think about him, just relax and sleep already…
It's going to work. This therapy is going to work. It has to – I'm going to change, I will be normal –proper normal, I will abate the shame I brought upon my family, it's all in my hands and I can do it. I will try harder, I will pray harder, I have professional help, it will all work out eventually.
Professional help? Ridiculous! You're gay, not sick. There's no cure for being gay and you know that. And nothing is ever going to cure your feelings for Christian. You love him, you can't not love him, the pain you feel living without him will never go away, your heart will always ache for him, the despondency will stay forever. And don't get me started on HIS feelings. How can you hurt him so much – the one you love the most.
'Stop it! Just shut up', I'm telling the nagging voice in my head. I don't want to think about him. Not about how he might feel, I can't. I need to sleep otherwise I can't think straight. I have to think… straight…
You always slept well when he was around, didn't you?. No matter how tortured your soul was, no matter how torn you felt inside –when he was holding you in his arms you felt safe… loved…cherished. It felt right, like this was how it was meant to be. Remember the feeling of his arms around you? Remember his touch, his hands on your skin, his sweet lips on your mouth, your body? He made you feel precious and treasured, like you actually matter. I know you miss it, I know you lust for his touch, his hard muscular body against yours, close, so close you two are breathing the same air, so close you can feel him everywhere…
'No, no I won't go there', I tell myself. I can feel the desire for him burning deep in my veins, my heart beating fast, my body yearning to be touched. But I'm strong. This is not going to happen. I close my eyes and try to steady my breathing. What did my therapist say? Imagine him covered with lice and pus. I try to and it's disgusting, he's disgusting, my feelings towards him are disgusting. I need to get him out of my head. Damn, why doesn't he just leave me alone?
Because you don't want him to. You won't let him go, your mind is aching for these secret, sumptuous moments when you pretend he's still with you. These moments when you think about how it could be – you and him together as a proper couple, happy, light-hearted, enjoying your life. No more heartache, no more pain and no more feeling of guilt. Just him and you and your love. His love comforting you through anything else, his arms around you whenever you need them, his soothing voice whenever you need to hear it… you could be who you are with the one you love, it's up to you. Why not?
It's a naïve fantasy, that's why.A dream world, which fails to exist. I can't disappoint my parents again, I won't. And what about my God? How can I ever know he approves? No, those thoughts will lead to nothing - it's wrong and it won't ever happen. Besides, he probably doesn't want me back anyway...
Of course he wants you back. You know that. You know how much he loves you and that these feelings won't have faded away during the last months. He has not moved on, you know that. He can't give you up just like you can't give him up, it's easy as that. He's probably lying in his bed right now, wide awake just like you, imagining your touch just like you are imagining his, feeling your lips, just like you are feeling his. Can you hear his heavy breathing? He needs you just like you need him. Can you hear his voice whispering your name? Sy! He wants you, he wants to make you moan and scream, he wants to push you to the brink and beyond… can you feel it?
It's too much now, too much – I give in. I let my hand travel down the heated skin of my chest … and further downwards. It only takes a couple of strokes and I let go. For a precious moment there's only bliss and happiness. On my mind it's only him -Christian-and I can literally feel his prescence, just for one moment he's here with me...
And just like this, I can feel my resistance fade a little bit more. I love him, I want him and whilst these little moments when I allow myself to listen to the voice of truth, I know I will never give him up…