Title: These Hands

Author: Shiruy

Pairing: Hikaru/Kaoru, Hikaru/Haruhi

These hands are holding me,

He shouldn't have followed them. He knew that it was a bad idea and he curses himself for his stupid… curiosity? Worry? He can't even name the feeling. He watches as his twin sneaks an arm around her shoulders and all he can think is nononononopleaseno- but it doesn't stop.

She tries to grab some popcorn but Hikaru is faster and holds it out of her reach, a teasing smile lighting up his face. She pouts and he gives in and feeds her a few pieces, all the while smiling that quiet, gentle smile that means so much more than his boisterous laughter.

Kaoru feels sick.

Keeping me grounded in this world,

"Kaochan."

Warm breath tickled his ear and a hand was slowy stroking up and down his spine. He sighed quietly and snuggled up to the lean body beside his. He didn't want to wake up, didn't want to face another day quite so soon.

"Kaoru…" He felt soft lips wander over his neck and chin and smiled softly as his twin gave him a little peck. Hikaru was always the most affectionate in the mornings. "You've got to wake up now, little brother, or we'll be late for school."

He grumbled quietly but complied and slowly opened his eyes, blinking against the sun falling into them over Hikaru's shoulder. His brother was laying on his side, propped up on an arm and smiling down at Kaoru, his free hand now drawing little circles on the younger's naked back.

"I don't want to get up yet…" He knew he was whining, but it was sooo comfortable, and in the last few weeks waking up like this had become a rarity. He wanted to enjoy it.

Hikaru laughed and leaned down to rub his nose against his twin's, making Kaoru wonder hazily why the older one was in such a good mood. Normally, Kaoru was the more snuggly one of the two. "Sorry, but we really have to get up now. I want to speak with Haruhi before class starts, so we'll have to get there a bit earlier than usual."

Immediately, Kaoru felt his mood plummeting while his twin sat up and got out of the bed, starting for their shared bathroom. It wasn't that he didn't like Haruhi, because Kaoru liked her. A lot, actually. It was nice, being acknowledged as his own person and not just someone easily interchangable with his twin. But it would have been even nicer if she would stop taking up Hikaru's every thought, no matter if she did it intentionally or not.

He slowly sat up, letting the blanket pool around his waist, and contemplatively stared at the half open bathroom door. At first, he had been the only one to notice how Hikaru's view of Haruhi had shifted. They usually saw the people around them as their playthings, toys to amuse themselves with, but with the arrival of the new member of the host club, things had changed.

"Kaoru? Are you up?"

Hikaru stuck his head out the door, checking if his brother had fallen asleep again, and the younger of the two felt a small smile automatically forming on his lips. He finally stood up and stretched, showing his twin that he was indeed up.

"Don't worry, we'll be on time. Why d'you want to talk to Haruhi before class anyway? You can easily do that during Host Club hours." He followed his brother to the bathroom and leaned against the door frame, his arms crossed over his chest.

"Yes, but if I try to talk to her with the others around it's guaranteed that someone will interrupt us."

Kaoru sighed and slowly walked into the room, stopping behind his brother who was standing in front of the mirror and trying to get his hair in order. "And what's so important that you need to talk to her alone?" He leaned into his brother's back and rested his chin on Hikaru's shoulder, slowly sneaking an arm around the other's waist.

"I, err…" Kaoru cocked his head to the side, looking up at his brother out of the corner of his eye as Hikaru stared straight at their reflection, a light blush adorning his cheeks.

"You… what?" He kept his voice even with only the slightest trace of curiosity in it and closed his eyes, hiding the faint hurt that crept up on him more and more often in situations like this. Hikaru used to tell him everything, no matter how embarrassing it was. What had changed?

He felt the other tense and take a deep breath, then the older twin said, "I want to ask Haruhi to go out with me tomorrow. On a date." Then he sagged against Kaoru and closed his eyes, too. He was surprised how hard it had been to admit that to his own twin.

"A date?" Kaoru's voice was calm, contemplating. Not at all like the storm that was raging inside of him.

"A date." He felt Hikaru's nod and opened his eyes again, staring at their reflection. They looked different for once, Hikaru combed and perfect while Kaoru still looked like he just fell out of bed. Somehow, that made everything even worse.

He leaned back a bit and started to bite and nibble at the juncture of his twin's neck and shoulder, smiling a bit as he felt a shudder run through the other. Hikaru laid his head back onto Kaoru's shoulder, keeping his eyes closed, and sighed contentedly. This was familiar, safe.

"You think she'll say yes?"

The younger twin paused in his activity and felt a bitter smile tug at his lips. The expression looked unusually sinister on his face, but what was he supposed to do? Even laying in his arms Hikaru was still thinking about her. Was she that important? That special? And if she was, why couldn't Kaoru see that?

He shoved the thoughts away and smiled reassuringly as Hikaru opened his eyes again. "Of course she'll say yes. Just make sure she knows it's a date, or she'll think it's just a friends-thing."

The younger twin resumed nibbling at the other's neck and got a quiet hum for his efforts, showing that Hikaru would take his advice. Kaoru thought it was rather ironic how different their 'brotherly love' act was from reality. In a way, they were a lot closer than their act implied, but at the same time, as hosts they constantly pretended to cross lines they would never cross in their normal lifes.

For their audience, they loudly proclaimed their love for each other when in reality, they never lost a word about their relationship. They didn't need to say things like 'I love you' when the way Hikaru relaxed into Kaoru's caress said so much more.

"Kaoru?"

"Hm?" He slowly dragged his tongue over the other's neck and then blew at the spot, soothing the slightly reddened skin and eliciting another shiver.

"Why don't we eat out tonight? We can give the cook the day off and go to that Italian restaurant we both like."

He felt a smile blossom on his face and couldn't quite stifle the happy chuckle that escaped him. "That's a great idea! It's been some time since we did something without the Host Club."

Hikaru lifted a hand and searched out his twin's free one, gripping it gently. His smile was somewhere between surprised and wistful. "You're right. It's been some time."

And I try to hold on so tightly,

Not even half an hour has passed since the movie started but already he can't stand it anymore. They're so happy and he knows that they have every right to be, so the anger and resentment burning in his blood never really reach him and instead, guilt is clawing at his heart. He wants to be happy for them so badly, but all he can do is taste the choppery tang of blood as he bites his lip to keep from doing something he will regret.

Something happens in the movie and everyone around him screams or jumps, but all he sees is the way she clutches his hand as if it's her last lifeline and how Hikaru tugs her firmly against his side, his eyes shining like they only do when he's honestly and completely happy.

His hands hurt because he's gripping the armrests of his chair too hard and his knuckles have turned white but he doesn't even notice. He stares at familiar pale red hair and silently implores Hikaru to turn around, to look at him and smile and be just as happy as with her.

But he doesn't turn around and after a few minutes the empty hole in his stomach has grown so big that it's gnawing at his heart.

He's not aware that he's stood up until he's almost out of the theatre and even then he doesn't stop. He's not running and he's not crying, his face a calm mask of bored indifference. It had been stupid to come here. What had he hoped would happen? Hikaru's falling in love with Haruhi and it looks like she might return his feelings.

The sun's low and dyes the grey pavement a warm, reddish gold. Kaoru's freezing.

But the hands are slipping,

Kaoru's eyes followed his twin as he hung off Haruhi's elbow, talking animatedly about something or other, not even noticing that one half of their duo wasn't there with them. This happened more and more often these days, and Kaoru shuddered to think of the day when Hikaru would stop expecting him to be at his side. It was selfish, to want to keep Hikaru to himself forever… but he'd been selfish all his life, so why would he stop now?

He leaned back against the wall and buried his hands in his pockets, listening to the aimless chatter and giggling around him. Maybe he should be getting back to his guests, but the three girls seemed to be happy enough squealing over Hikaru playing with a clueless Haruhi's hair.

"Kaoru?"

He briefly glanced up as Tamaki came to a stop beside him, mimicking his position and leaning against the wall, but before long his gaze was drawn back to his other half. "Hn?"

"What's wrong with you today? I'm starting to think you want to compete with Mori about who's more taciturn."

He shrugged and slowly let his eyes fall closed, the last thing he saw being Hikaru draping his arm over Haruhi's shoulders. It hurt. He knew it was stupid, he should be happy for his twin, but damn, it hurt.

"Just a headache. Hikaru's making up for me and the guests are happy, so don't complain."

He felt warm breath on his skin as Tamaki leaned closer and he instinctively let his head fall onto the tall blond's shoulder. He missed being so close to someone all the time.

"Is it bad? Do you need to see a doctor?"

Tamaki sounded honestly worried and when an arm wound around Kaoru's waist to steady the supposedly sick redhead he found himself wishing that he really were ill, then he'd have a reason to stay like this some more. As it were he cuddled against the other's side, taking as much comfort as he could, before pushing off the wall and giving the blond an impish grin.

"Oh Tamaki, I never knew you cared! That is sooooo sweet of you!" He fawned over the other, making sure to sound as 'Kaoru' as possible. Tamaki laughed and ruffled the redhead's hair, shaking his head at the exaggerated display.

"Okay, well, if it gets worse go home and rest, we don't want you getting sick."

With that he ambled away and as soon as Kaoru was sure that Tamaki's full attention was on his guests the smile vanished from his lips. Maybe he really should go home.

Faster and faster,

The loud bass is driving all thoughts from his mind and he dances for hours on end, sometimes alone, sometimes with random people, and he feels alive like he hasn't in a long time.

And if it's a man who winds an arm around his waist and asks him if he wants to drink something, who cares? And if the guy is handsome, maybe in his twenties, and has a smile that makes him feel special, so what? And if he can feel lips brushing against his skin when the other leans closer to be heard over the loud music, what does it hurt?

It's nice. It feels good. Something that feels good can't be wrong, right?

And if the many drinks he has consumed make the room spin, and the guy asks him if he wants to come over to his place, why not?

He wants to forget.

And it's oh so very easy

"Kaoru!"

The younger twin glanced up as his brother skidded around the corner, stopping before him and trying to get his breath back. An exhilarated smile lit the older one's face and Kaoru forced himself to at least look happy.

Host Club hours had been over for ten minutes, but Hikaru had stayed back to talk to Haruhi since he hadn't managed to do so before school.

"She said yes! I asked her to go to the movies with me and she said yes! I'm going to pick her up at six, I'll take her to a restaurant and after that we'll go to the movies. And it'll be a commoner date, meaning it'll be a normal restaurant! This is so great!"

Kaoru felt like he wanted to grab one of the ridiculously expensive vases that for some reason were found at practically every corner in this school and smash it against a wall. Instead, he smiled.

"So you have one day to prepare for your date?"

Hikaru's smile dimmed a little and made place for nervousness. "Uh, no, she doesn't have time tomorrow so we agreed to go out today. Can you help me pick out an outfit? I only have two hours to decide!"

Today? But they already had plans for this evening! Had Hikaru forgotten all about eating out tonight? Was Kaoru that easy to forget?

"But… I…" He didn't want to believe it, but it seemed like he really was that easy to forget. Hikaru looked confused at his hesitation to help and Kaoru cursed himself and his selfishness. He was supposed to be happy for his twin. He forced a delighted smile onto his lips.

"Of course I'll help you! Come on, we have to hurry." He grabbed Hikaru's wrist and started to drag him down the hallway, all the while planning his twins outfit out loud. Hikaru smiled happily and let himself be dragged. The older twin felt like he had forgotten something, but whatever. It couldn't have been that important, he had a date with Haruhi after all! And nothing was important compared to that.

To give up and

The morning is cold and painful.

To be lost.

End

Maybe I'll add a second chapter some time in the future, but for now it's a one-shot. If the time-jumps got you confused, the chronological order is like this: First come the scenes in normal script, then it again starts at the top this time in italics.

Thanks for reading and please tell me what you think about the story!

Shiruy