White Swan

Chapter 1: Enigma

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from The Hunger Games. The amazing Suzanne Collins owns it all.

Katniss. She's running towards me. In all of the confusion I can tell she's scared, but I don't know why. She keeps screaming my name, so I turn to call out to her. Even though the child in my arms needs immediate medical attention. Then suddenly, time slows down as an explosion of light enters my senses. A shrill cry fills my ears, is it my own? For a moment, all I feel is pain, and then everything went black.

Those few seconds were all I could think about when I came to. I looked around, but all I could see was darkness. My limbs wouldn't move, and my mouth wouldn't form the name I so desperately wanted to scream out. It was as if I was trapped in a sea of consciousness. Living but not really alive. I could think, and so I wondered if I was actually dead. I didn't feel dead, but what did being dead feel like? And a more important question, why couldn't I move? I started getting frantic at the thought of it. 'Katniss. Katniss will come for me.' I thought desperately. It became my mantra until I couldn't fight the sleepiness that overcame me any longer, and succumbed to the darkness.

That became my routine for a long, long time. I would "wake up" everything would hit me again. I would remember exactly what had happened to me, and every time it hurt like a ton of bricks. Most of the time I would think of all the things I could've done better when I was alive. Yes, I finally decided I was dead. How could I not be? It was almost maddening at first, not being able to see, hear, or move at all. But after awhile I finally accepted it. It gave me a lot of time to just think as I floated though the vast nothingness. I thought a lot about Katniss and all the things she went through. That day when they called my name at the reaping was a blurry memory, but I could still remember Katniss calling out clear and strong. In all honesty, I wished she never did. Maybe then I would've died a much better way. I could never forgive myself for that haunted look I saw in my sisters eyes ever since the first Games. She never deserved to go through that. She never deserved to see me explode into a million pieces either. I felt bad that it had to end that way but there really wasn't anything I could do about it. Katniss was strong, I knew she'd be fine without me.

I just wish she wasn't the one who had to pick up the pieces.

I felt bad for my mother too. I knew she would be heartbroken when she found out, if she hadn't already. I don't know how much time had passed since I died, there was no way to tell. All I know is it fells like it's been forever, but that's just me.

More time passed, and I started writing letters in my mind to all the people I love. There was a lot, but Katniss' was the longest. I know it sounds crazy, but I silently willed all of them to each person. I hoped with all my heart that they reached each of them. It'd give me a little peace of mind.

Like I could have that. All I can do is think!

I really think I started going crazy when I first heard the voices. Here's the thing, they weren't just any voices, I knew them.

"Prim, Prim? Gosh I hope you can hear me…"

If I could laugh at the irony I would've. It sounded exactly like my mother's voice! If this was how the world was going to punish me for being a coward it was really working. Sometimes I even heard Katniss' voice. She's usually telling me I had to "wake up." But how was I supposed to wake up? I'm dead.

Other than that there was voices I didn't recognize at all. They'll talk about my vitals and are always telling me to move. I wanted to scream at them that I can't move! But that wasn't going to happen so they just kept asking.

After awhile; and after I became used to people having one-sided conversations with me, the "doctors"-voices I didn't know-stopped. I didn't hear them ask me if I could hear them or not anymore. I guess they finally realized that I wasn't going to give them an answer. Besides, I was totally fine with them being gone, glad even. My mother and Katniss, (Peeta sometimes as well) still spoke to me, telling me about their day and what has been going on in Panem. It was starting to get hard to believe that it was in in my head, what with how detailed some of the things they told me were. Most things I knew I couldn't have thought of, I hadn't even heard of them before! Like when Katniss told me they were rebuilding District 12. I almost believed it was true, and it made me wonder just how long I've been gone.

It had to be at least a year by now. I could be fourteen, maybe older. That thought made me sad. What would my family be doing for my birthday this year? I hoped they just forget about it, but knowing my mother I know she'd feel the need to do something.

I wonder if this is what my father goes through. He's been gone for years now, and being here that long… I shivered at the thought. A little part of me still hoped that this was all a bad dream, and that soon I would wake up and forget that this had ever happened. I know that, that isn't going to happen so I just wait. What I'm waiting for? To listen to Katniss or my mother again. I've started to calculate the time between their visits, so Katniss should show up soon. I'm always excited for their visits. It's nice to hear their voices, even if they're not real. Until then I drift off to sleep.

A voice in the back of my head wakes me up a little while later. Eagerly I tune in to what the masculine voice is saying. It almost sounds like one of my "doctors" that stopped talking to me.

"-she may never wake up. We've ran every test we can, and tried all the remedies the Capitol's storehouses held… She's healthy, and growing like a young lady of seventeen should, but for some reason she has not awakened. We…we cannot do anything more for her…"

All my thoughts froze on what he just said. I was…seventeen? No, that couldn't be right. It was all in my head, it had to be, I'm dead! It hasn't been four years…has it?

Another voice sounding like Katniss spoke up. "What are we supposed to do?" She cries desperately. "Will she ever wake up?"

The doctor takes a moment before replying, "I…don't know."

At his response someone started sobbing loudly. I knew by the way she cried that it was my mother. I wanted so badly to comfort her, wanted more than ever to be able to move. Or see. Or do something! I wish I could cry out in frustration, or even just cry! I'm tired of being frozen in a place where there's absolutely nothing!

Suddenly, my mother's voice was heard. "Richard? Why-why is she crying?"

Wait. I was crying?

Sure enough large wet tears were streaming down my face, falling into the darkness. I laid there, eyes wide open in shock, and at that moment I cried happily. I could actually do something again! All I wanted to do now was cry. I was elated at the thought of something new I could do!

Dr. Richard sounded as bewildered as my mother did when he spoke. "I-I don't know Eliza! That is something she has never done before! Eliza, this may very well be a good thing!"

A good thing? They had no idea just how wonderful it really was. After four years of not being able to do anything but think I've become very grateful for any little thing I get. It felt so good to feel the warm wet droplets run down my cheeks. I wish I could tell them that yes! This was a good thing!

Suddenly, I stopped. How did they know I was crying?

"Prim." My mother softly whispered. The emotion in her voice made me snap my attention back to her. She took a deep breath, "Please, please wake up. I miss you. So much. The past few years without you have been almost too much to bear. I-I can't stand seeing you like this!" She took another shuddering breath. "Please…show me that you can hear me."

'Mother, you have no idea how much I want to do that.' I thought, and again, after years of not even trying, I gained a new determination to just move. I had to show my mother and Katniss that I could hear them all along. So I tried, and tried hard to shift one finger. My mother stayed silent, waiting for me to help her believe.

It was quiet for a long time while I struggled to be free of the paralysis that held me. No one spoke, and already an hour had probably passed. I wanted to give up, new tears of frustration rolling down my cheeks. 'I can't! I just can't!' It was too hard! I was about to stop al together when I heard a gasp.

"Her fingers! They're moving!" Katniss exclaims in surprise.

She was right…! I could move the fingers on my left hand! I could even make a fist!

So many emotions ran through my head, but one stood out from all the rest: complete and utter fascination.

The living really do not understand how lucky they are. They can move freely, and most can see at one point in their life. Nothing can describe the happiness I feel right now, and that's just to move my fingers! I keep doing the motion again and again to be sure they would see. I still didn't understand how they could see me, but I've stopped believing they're unreal. They are my real living family, and I am so glad I can still talk with them in some way.

Katniss is trying to hold back tears, I can hear it in her breathing. She moves closer to me, "Prim, can you hear us?" She asks determinedly.

I clench my fist once.

My mothers makes a sound of relief and in turn asks, "Prim, do you know what happened to you?"

I do not even stir.

Richard speaks this time, "When you don't make a fist, does that mean no?"

I make another fist.

"Would you…like to know?" Katniss inquires tentatively.

It takes me awhile to respond. Do I want to know how I died? A part of me didn't want to hear about it. I was terrified to finally find out what Katniss saw that day. Even so, I realized had to know.

Slowly, I moved my fingers.

Minutes passed before Katniss finally began. When she did there was an edge to her voice that only I could probably pick up on. Suddenly I understood, she blamed herself for what happened. More tears threatened to spill over, was I ever going to stop crying? It broke my heart to know that she held herself to blame. It was not her fault.

I wanted to let her know that somehow, but for now I couldn't. Pushing the unwanted thoughts aside I listened to her story.

"You were with the medics that ran into the barricade to help the children. I guess you guys didn't realize that all the parachutes were bombs. I saw you…you ripped off your coat to put it on an injured child. I screamed your name and tried to get to you. I think you heard because you turned around and looked like you were going to call out to me." She paused for a moment, as if rehashing the scene. "Then the rest of the parachutes went off." She said simply, showing no emotion.

Everyone stayed silent, I figured they were waiting for me to respond. This didn't surprise me, I already knew that part. What I needed to hear was how I actually died.

So I waited until my mother slowly added, "And you were thrown into one of the barricades by the blasts. One of your legs were completely blown off…and you had a lot of burns on your face and arms. Katniss was the first one to get to you, and we all thought you were dead." She gained the same hardness in her voice that Katniss did. "But somehow, you weren't and you've been in a coma ever since."

A coma? I've been in a coma for four years? I thought…I was dead. No. Nonono. I started getting panicked. I'm dead! They're lying! I'm dead! Dead dead dead!

I opened and closed my fist wildly, showing them how distraught I really was.

Richard said something about getting something to calm me down while Katniss and my mother tried in vain to soothe me. They keep telling me it's okay but it is not okay. I've thought I was dead for four years, told myself that fact over and over. They can't just come here and say I'm alive! I don't believe them, I can't! I want so badly to scream at them I'm dead I'm dead I'm dead! They probably wouldn't listen anyways! My mind can't take it, it's too much and I go into a frenzy. Losing all control I clench and unclench my hand even faster, fresh tears raining down my cheeks.

In my deranged state I barely comprehend my mother yelling at Richard to do something. Then as soon as she says it I feel a warmth seep through my chest. My head becomes clouded, and my hand motions become less sporadic. Soon I don't even remember why I was so frantic before, all I know it that I am so tired. It only takes a few more seconds before I drift off into a medicine induced sleep.

A/N: Okay! Chapter one is finished! I apologize if it isn't that long… I just want to see what people think of it before I go any further. I tried to write in first person point of view as Suzanne did in the books so it seems more entwined into them. Please, if you want to see more of this idea leave a review on your way out!

Thanks,

~Court