A little something something I wrote for a fanfic comp on sam4phil. Tis a songfic, oneshot. Song is "Only When I Sleep." By The Corrs.
Only When I Sleep.
"Sam, you alright?"
My head snaps up from my coffee mug, and I fix my eyes on current boyfriend, Stuart Turner. His brown eyes are searching mine. I consider my answer before answering slowly.
"Yeah, fine." The standard answer I find myself giving Stuart almost everyday. "I'm going to bed. 'Night."
He offers me a smile as I sweep past him. On my way to our bedroom I find myself thinking. I'm in a relationship with one DS Stuart Turner again. After Phil made a shock departure from Sun Hill, I was lost, even though I wouldn't admit it. Detective Inspector Samantha Nixon, lost because Phil Hunter had left?
Whatever.
But I felt myself wandering aimlessly along in life for the following days. Phil kept me grounded; we had so much history between us. And I never got the chance to tell him how I really felt.
Just… BAM. "I'm leaving Sun Hill. Monica and I are going to make a go of it." He paused, those piercing blue eyes staring into mine. "In Australia."
BOOM. He ended, and I felt my heart hit the floor underneath of me. "NO!" I felt like screaming. "You're staying with me. Here in Sun Hill. We'll make a go it." I would smile quickly. "Another go of it." I felt like throwing myself at him with wild abandon, my fingers tearing at his shirt, never letting go. He would hold me, his strong arms around my fragile body.
But no, that was all only in my head. Instead I stood there, frozen. "Oh." I slowly nodded, comprehending. There was a polite kiss and hug, pleasantries exchanged, and WHAM he was gone. Forever.
The next few weeks were a blur to me, but I know one thing – Stuart Turner ended up in my bed… again. And this time he intends to stay.
Yet I can't stop dreaming of Phil Hunter. Even though I try to forbid it, each night in my sleep I surrender. His warm breath on my neck. His muscly legs wrapped around mine. His fingers playing delicately with my hair. His strong arms wrapped around my waist…
I blink and I'm brought out of my dreams, back into reality. And I'm standing at the foot of my bed, Stuart standing behind me, his arms around my waist. He gently moves the hair at the nape of my neck and kisses me, and I wiggle out of his grip and get into bed, pulling the covers around my body tightly. I try not to look over at him, standing there with that rejected look on his face. For over a week he's been trying to get close to me, yet I keep pushing him away. And for what?
Dreams. Vivid images in my head while I sleep. I close my eyes, the long day getting to me. I feel Stuart climb in next to me, but my eyes stay closed as I gradually drift off to….
You're only just a dreamboat
Sailing in my head
You swim my secret oceans
Of coral, blue and red
Your smell is incense burning
Your touch is silken yet
It reaches through my skin
Moving from within
And clutches at my breast
Something wakes me, and my eyes fly open. Instantly I look over at Stuart, but he's sleeping peacefully. I take a few moments to calm down. I feel flustered – Phil was touching me. Not in a horrid, sordid way, but in the way that two people tenderly show their love for one another. I sigh deeply, closing my eyes.
But it's only when I sleep
See you in my dreams
Got me spinning round and round
Turning upside down
But I only hear you breathe
Somewhere in my sleep
Got me spinning round and round
Turning upside down
But it's only when I sleep
My whole body leans forward, as his hands cup my face. We're moving closer together, our lips centimeters apart, one breath being shared between us….
Then a piercing noise hits my ears, and I reluctantly open my eyes, feeling groggy.
And when I wake from slumber, your shadow disappeared.
I roll onto my side, pulling the doona tighter around my body, closing my eyes again, guiltily willing the dream to return.
Your breath is just a sea mist, surrounding my body.
No matter how hard I try to block out the bright morning sunshine peeking through the blinds, or the sounds of Stuart showering in the ensuite nearby, I can't get back to sleep, and I have only the feeling of Phil being close by.
Momentarily. Then my brain begins to wake up, and kindly reminds me that he's on the other side of the world. Frustrated, I get out of bed and prepare for a day of work.
--
I'm working through the daytime.
"Oh, DI Nixon!" I sigh wearily as I hear my name called, yet again.
"Yes Beth, what is it?" She takes one look at my face and instantly changes her mind.
"Oh, erm… nothing. It can wait til morning." She gives me a quick smile, a smile that says 'Glad-you're-only-my-boss-not-my-mother-BITCH.", before quickly walking out of CID, almost colliding with Stuart as he walks through the doors. He has that smug look on his face, the look that means he just got a great result. I watch as he walks over to me, takes my head in his hands and kiss me, hot, fast and passionate. A few in the CID office whistle, and instead of enjoying the moment, I wonder what Phil would have made of this. What would he think of the DI and her DS boyfriend French-kissing in full view of everyone? Would he whistle along with some others, or would he just sit there and sulk? Stuart finally releases me and I reprimand him.
"DS Turner!"
He smiles cheekily. "Yes, Ma'am?"
I consider what to say next, but I decide on an eye roll. How mature of me.
"Come on sweetheart, I'm taking you out for a meal." He looks so happy and hopeful, and I can't help but crush his spirits.
"Not tonight. I've had a full-on day and I just want to get home to bed." I use my most sympathetic voice.
He sighs. "Fine, let's go." He brushes past me out of CID.
--
I enter our bedroom, happy to finally be home, and strip down to my underwear, throwing my work clothes and shoes into a pile in the corner, and I feel something on the back of my neck, taking me by surprise. I turn around to face Stuart.
"Not tonight." He must have taken my underwear-only wearing for something else – typically male.
Reminds me of someone else.
"Oh, come on Sam. Why not?" He's trying hard to be patient and understanding; not exactly his thing.
I look into his eyes and feel a pang of guilt. He is my boyfriend, after all. "Over the past week every time I've touched you, or gone to touch you, you've flinched and moved away." He pauses for a moment. "Is there something I should know?" He stares at me, waiting for an answer of some sort.
"No." I decide to keep things simple. I have enough things going on, I do not need a fight with the boyfriend to add to that. I move in to kiss him, as a dutiful girlfriend should, and before I know it, we've ended up in bed, and soon after I'm lying by myself, Stuart to the left of me, snoring softly.
But when it's time to rest
I'm lying in my bed
Listening to my breath
Falling from the edge
But it's only when I sleep
It's reaching through my skin
Moving from within
And clutches at my breast
But it's only when I sleep
I can feel something pulling at my head, and I sleepily smile. "Phil." I mutter.
I hear a soft laugh, and then a "What?"
I open my eyes, and look over at Stuart. He's sitting up, playing with my hair, smiling. I shake my head. "Nothing." The word leaves my lips as a whisper.
I close my eyes again. It's all doing my head in. Godammit, even when he's not in the country, Phil Hunter still causes problems. Lost in my thoughts, I inwardly groan when I feel Stuart's lips against mine. And then those three small words.
"I love you."
I keep my eyes closed. I don't want to look at him. "I love you too." I make myself say it with conviction.
It falls silent for a while, before I find myself falling asleep again. Would Phil even care that we were back together? Or that we had just exchanged 'I love you's?
Probably not. Knowing Phil, he's shacked up somewhere beachside with that Monica slapper.
I don't want to fall asleep. I don't want to dream of Phil Hunter. It's all in the past. I just want to move forward in the future. I know I've come so far, and even though I'm a grown woman of 43, I've still got so far to go.
Up to the sky
Where angels fly
I'll never die
Hawaiian high
In bed I lie
No need to cry
My sleeping cry
Hawaiian high.