Realization

God…I hate not knowing what to believe anymore. I hate not knowing what's real.

Why did you have to leave me like this? Do you have any idea what you've done to me…ARE doing to me?

But I can't be mad at you. I can't.

I just want you to come back. It's been a whole damn year, and I still haven't completely pulled myself together.

Please don't leave me like this.

It's almost been a year since then, Tenten thought to herself as she finally opened her eyes to the bright morning sun streaming in through the window. Why am I dreaming of him now?

But Tenten was no fool…she knew exactly why.

At first, she had been numb to the news. She couldn't believe that Neji—strong, cold, calculating, intelligent Neji—was truly gone.

Eventually, the reality of the situation bore down on her, and she cracked.

She wanted to say that she was doing better since then—but not exactly. She refused to be a burden to any of her friends, so she chose to bottle up her grief and hysteria—painting on a bright smile so that nobody would know.

Because of this, Tenten looked completely unaffected by her teammate's death to everyone else, when in reality she was falling apart, bit by bit. She refused to admit this to anyone but herself, and barely even that. She couldn't bear the thought of being perceived as so weak and fragile…all because of him.

She slowly sat up and reached down for her shoes.

Am I really doing this? Her hand brushed against the doorknob in slight hesitation, then firmly took hold of it and turned it open.

Dammit, Neji…look what a mess you've made of me. I've officially lost my mind.

A sparrow nearby trilled out a song before taking flight. Tenten picked out his grave immediately—she always did. Before taking a seat in the damp grass, she glanced around to make sure that she was alone.

"Look here, mister," she remarked, immediately turning towards the tombstone. "Do you have any idea how much of a fool you're making me out to be?

Of course, there was no answer to this, just the rustling of the breeze through the trees and grass around her. But that never stopped Tenten before.

"Neji Hyuuga, of course you have no idea. You're probably pointing down at me right now, laughing at how hopeless I am!"

After another moment of silence, suddenly she grew quieter, out of frustrated outbursts.

"Neji…I feel like absolute shit," she finally admitted, reaching up to touch the cool stone. "I thought I was getting better, really. And in some ways, I guess I am…but…none of that even matters. I still miss you." She sniffled, wiping away a tear on her face in embarrassment. "I don't mean to pin all of this blame on you, but…it is kind of your fault."

Tenten traced the outline of his name on the stone, feeling somewhat better. But she still felt very hollow inside.

She had more to say—so much more—but, like always, she couldn't say any of it. There was no point, anyway. It would change nothing.

"Um…Tenten?"

She knew that quiet voice anywhere. "Hinata? How long have you been here?" She slowly got to her feet and dusted off her hands nonchalantly, as if she hadn't been pouring out her heart and soul minutes earlier. She hated feeling this weak and helpless. Why let it be known to her friends—or anyone, for that matter?

"Oh, I just got here," Hinata answered, cradling some flowers in her arms. "I, I wanted to visit Neji-ni-san for a bit."

"Oh, all right." Tenten nodded slowly, unsure of what else to say. She stepped aside, to give Hinata some room. "Do you—need some privacy? I can go—"

"It's all right. I won't be here long." The raven-haired girl gave her a small smile before gently placing the flowers down by her cousin's tombstone.

Tenten watched for a moment, then turned to look away before a stray tear managed to trail down her cheek. She quickly wiped it away in frustration, closing her eyes in a vain attempt to remember better times, better days.

He hardly ever smiled.

But when he did, it was more than beautiful. And a lot of times, it was at her, and when he was around her. She would never admit out loud to anyone how much she treasured this, however.

"Tenten?"

"Yeah?"

"Great job today."

And she would feel happy—almost, exhilarated. They were such simple words, but he gave them special meaning. She wished that she could return this happiness…but never knew how.

"Tenten."

"Tenten?"

"Tenten!"

"I'm here. I'm right here, Neji—!" She abruptly sat up in bed, out of breath. The silence rang in her ears after her outburst. It was still in the middle of the night.

When Tenten finally calmed down, she slowly laid her head back onto her pillow.

I shouldn't have gone to see him, she thought as she stared up at the dark ceiling. I was doing just fine until I went to his… She took in a deep breath. I'm so stupid. Hopeless.

"I'm going to put him out of my mind," she said aloud, unsure of why she was talking to herself. This was the last straw. She couldn't take this any longer. "I have to forget about Neji. I have to."

Tenten closed her eyes, not really feeling any better than before.