Chapter One: Setting the Stage
Life for both sexes—and I look at them, shouldering their way along the pavement—is arduous, difficult, a perpetual struggle. It calls for gigantic courage and strength. More than anything, perhaps, creatures of illusion that we are, it calls for confidence in oneself. Without self-confidence we are as babes in the cradle. — Virginia Woolf, A Room of One's Own, Chapter Two
His beloved was well named: Knowi Tall was far cleverer than the average domestic feline and, in spite of her youth, knew a great many things. And what, she was wont to ask him on the rare occasions she was in his company, was the use of knowledge if one could not make use of it?
So he wasn't the least bit surprised when her message appeared in his witch's thinking-machine mid-morning on a Tuesday.
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Subject: Mission Possible
Date: 5 Aug 2003 12:40:00
From: fabfelineAtFamiliarDotNet
To: kingkneazleAtFamiliarDotNet
Attachments: onehome..odt
Darling,
I have a plan for us to be together. It's nearly fool-proof! Too bad neither of our humans are fools. No matter, this will work.
I'm so excited! Aren't you excited, darling?
Your for ever devoted Knowi
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Subject: re: Mission Possible
Date: 5 Aug 2003 12:45:03
From: kingkneazleAtFamiliarDotNet
To: fabfelineAtFamiliarDotNet
Hermione hasn't got OpenOffice yet. I know the woman can take a hint, so I suspect she's just being stubborn. Sound familiar?
Send a PDF, kitten. Better yet, just tell me. The less clicking the better.
=^.^= | =^.^= | =^.^=
Only a ginger can call another ginger 'ginger'. — Tim Minchin
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Subject: re: re: Mission Possible
Date: 5 Aug 2003 12:45:22
From: fabfelineAtFamiliarDotNet
To: kingkneazleAtFamiliarDotNet
Do not call me 'kitten', Crookshanks Granger! I am a cat, full grown, you mangy old tom!
Anyway, see if you can get her to bring you when she visits on Thursday. We'll discuss everything then.
You'd think the witch who helped bring the Internet to Wizarding Britain would have voice-interpretation software…
I'm still excited, even if you are being a git!
Your little (but fully grown!) Knowi
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Subject: re: re: re: Mission Possible
Date: 5 Aug 2003 12:48:46
From: kingkneazleAtFamiliarDotNet
To: fabfelineAtFamiliarDotNet
No need to get your whiskers in a twist, Junior. I know you are a cat, and I love that you are! Roaow!
Afraid it might be a bad job getting Herms to bring me along, pet. She's usually so eager to get to your wizard Thursday nights. What do they do? Do we even need a plan?
Also, I prefer to be called mature.
=^.^= | =^.^= | =^.^=
Only a ginger can call another ginger 'ginger'. — Tim Minchin
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Subject: re: re: re: re: Mission Possible
Date: 5 Aug 2003 12:48:09
From: fabfelineAtFamiliarDotNet
To: kingkneazleAtFamiliarDotNet
Dearest Crooksie,
I love that you love me, but there's no need to be vulgar. At least not over the "web". Save it for Thursday. You will try to come, won't you?
They don't do anything! Well, nothing like that. Mostly they just talk about her research and the like.
So, as you can see, we truly do need a plan. If for no other reason than to show them what they could be doing.
Please say you'll come, Crooksie. I miss you!
Your fretfully pining Knowi
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Subject: re: re: re: re: re: Mission Possible
Date: 5 Aug 2003 12:50:01
From: kingkneazleAtFamiliarDotNet
To: fabfelineAtFamiliarDotNet
If I can get her to bring me, I'll come. And you will too.
=^.^= | =^.^= | =^.^=
Only a ginger can call another ginger 'ginger'. — Tim Minchin
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Subject: re: re: re: re: re: re: Mission Possible
Date: 5 Aug 2003 12:50:24
From: fabfelineAtFamiliarDotNet
To: kingkneazleAtFamiliarDotNet
You're so naughty, Crooksie!
Just wait till you hear what I've got in store for them. They won't be able to resist each other.
I shouldn't risk telling you everything over the "web", but I'll give you two hints:
fan fiction
RPF
Look those terms up in a "search engine".
.
Subject: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Mission Possible
Date: 5 Aug 2003 12:56:05
From: kingkneazleAtFamiliarDotNet
To: fabfelineAtFamiliarDotNet
Are you mental? That will not work, you insane mollycat!
=^.^= | =^.^= | =^.^=
Only a ginger can call another ginger 'ginger'. — Tim Minchin
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Subject: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Mission Possible
Date: 5 Aug 2003 12:56:22
From: fabfelineAtFamiliarDotNet
To: kingkneazleAtFamiliarDotNet
C,
Don't be a such dunderhead. Of course it will work!
Training humans isn't as difficult as people make out. You just have to know how each one works and then follow the right steps. It's easy when you go about it the right way.
It didn't take you long at all with yours, did it? Of course, she is unusually intelligent. Well, so is mine! And I haven't had him nearly as long as you've had her.
Honestly, Crooksie, sometimes I wonder if you don't want this to work!
K.
P.S. If you'd just try, I needn't wait so long for you to reply. Jump. In. Her. Lap. Whilst. She. Types! She'll ask Severus for the hands-free thing straight away.
.
Subject: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Mission Possible
Date: 5 Aug 2003 12:59:08
From: kingkneazleAtFamiliarDotNet
To: fabfelineAtFamiliarDotNet
Knowi, darling, Hermione would lock me away if I did that. Yours only listens to you cause ignoring you would mean Azkaban or worse.
I never followed a rule in my life unless I wanted to. And don't intend to start now. Do you still want this? Still want me?
=^.^= | =^.^= | =^.^=
Only a ginger can call another ginger 'ginger'. — Tim Minchin
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Subject: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Mission Possible
Date: 5 Aug 2003 12:59:13
From: fabfelineAtFamiliarDotNet
To: kingkneazleAtFamiliarDotNet
Of course I do, you ginger menace! I love you!
Just be sure to do your part, and I'll take care of the rest.
See you on Thursday!
Knowi
P.S. Severus listens because he knows I'm always right.
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A throaty purr, followed by a quick series of six miaows closed the voice-activated electronic mail programme, and an annoyed Knowi leapt down from her wizard's desk.
She knew a great many things, she reminded herself. And she should not have forgotten the words once spoken by Margaret Thatcher – that powerful witch who'd once led her country: If you want something said, ask a tom; if you want something done, ask a molly.
Two leaps took her first to the swivel-ly wooden chair, then back to the battered desk. Four miaows and a short yowl opened the voice-controlled word-processing programme. After all, she hadn't much time to waste worrying over the stubbornness of tomcats; Severus wasn't away from home nearly as much as Hermione (Crooks didn't know how good he had it!), and Knowi had work to do.
Disclaimer: JKR owns all publically recognisable characters and concepts from the Harry Potter universe.
A/N: I owe thanks to my beta, linlawless, for diligently sticking with this story (as well as the story that spawned it) for months on end.
Note on the email addresses and attachment: Most of you know what ff dot net does with anything web-related that doesn't belong to them, so just pretend Knowi's and Crooks's email addresses follow the usual format; the way they are displayed here is not intended to illustrate a special feature of the sorcenet. The same goes for the attachment.