Eh. I was really bored, so I decided to write a story about what Team 7 would be like if Sasuke hadn't been a pansy and left to Orochimaru. It's pretty retarded, but I don't care.
I'm also a little mean to Sasuke. I make him grovel for Sakura. Mwahaha. THAT'S WHAT YA GET FOR LEAVING!!
Naruto was in Ichiraku Ramen eating his seventh bowl of ramen when Sasuke pushed back the curtains and plopped into the seat next to him.
"Hey Sasuke," Naruto said between chopstickfuls (…you know, spoonfuls… chopstick...fuls…).He noticed the glum expression on Sasuke's face and asked, "What's up?"
Sasuke sighed. "It's Sakura. I asked her if she wanted to go see a movie with me but she said no. She said she was meeting up with Shikamaru tonight." OKAY. I AM NOT IMPLYING SHE'S ON A DATE WITH SHIKAMARU. SHIKAMARU IS MY BOYFRIEND. SHE'S JUST HANGING OUT WITH HIM. A GUY FRIEND. NOT A DATE.
"You mean, like a date?" Naruto asked, a quizzical expression on his face.
"No, Abbie would kill her. They're just playing shougi."
"Ohh. Well, why are you so worried?" Naruto asked. Love him as I do, he really can be an idiot. I mean, he's one of the main characters. He should know who loves who. Yeesh.
Sasuke groaned. "Damnit, Naruto, you should know this!" He smacked Naruto over the head. Naruto began crying.
Oh God, Sasuke thought. He awkwardly patted his best friend on the back. "I didn't mean to, uh, make… you cry…" he began, but Naruto gave a mighty sniff, and stopped crying. But this might have been because he got another bowl of ramen from Ayame. Whatever.
"But anyway. Well, I just really want to hang out with Sakura, and she keeps blowing me off. She blew me off for Ino," Sasuke told Naruto. Naruto gasped.
"Whoa, Sasuke. What did you do?? I mean, if she's blowing you off for Ino, she must really not want to hang out with you!" Oblivious to the fact that bit of information did not lift Sasuke's spirits at all, Naruto continued. "Well… I heard her talking to granny Tsunade about 'that time of the month again.' I have no idea what it means, but they obviously did. Maybe that's what's going on. Maybe it's 'that time of the month again.'"
Sasuke shook his head. "No, I overheard her telling Kurenai that that certain time was over. She said her mom had stopped wearing her hippie costume for the month, so that can't be it." He bit his lip.
HA! HOW WRONG YOU ARE, SASUKE! Hippie week is just a cover. When they say 'that time of the month,' they MEAN 'that time of the month.'
"Hmm. Maybe you smell," Naruto suggested.
Cocking his head to the side, Sasuke whipped out his bottle of Axe. He took off his shirt (Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia!) and sprayed some on.
The effect was instantaneous. Aside from his own hotness, Sasuke now smelled like Axe!! The girls from the Axe commercials appeared in a cloud of smoke, and began swarming around Sasuke.
"FANGIRLS!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Naruto screamed, but never fear! SAKURA IS HERE!!
…Well, she is now.
Sakura appeared out of nowhere, and in about two seconds, all the girls from the Axe commercials were dead. Sakura stood glowering in front of Sasuke, gun raised (screw kunais). Sasuke had fallen to his knees and crawled in front of Sakura, kissing her feet. YEAH, BITCH. GROVEL. THAT'S WHAT YOU DESERVE FOR LEAVING LIKE THAT.
Positive all the fangirls were dead, Sakura lowered the gun. Sasuke slowly stood up. They faced each other. Sasuke leaned in toward her, she leaned in toward him, and then -
Spiderpig fell from the sky and landed on top of Sasuke. Naruto promptly began crying. Itachi ran into Ichiraku ramen, and danced around Sasuke's body. He reached down to pull out Sasuke's eyes…
BOOM!!
Sakura had the gun out again. And she blew Itachi's brains out. Sasuke got up from underneath Spiderpig, Naruto stopped crying, and Sasuke and Sakura did adult things.
The freaking end.