The synopsis of this little story is a little hard to explain. Basically, it's an AU Addek Song-fic using the song "I hate this part" by the Pussycat Dolls (The song lyrics are italicized throughout the story). It's in little scenes, breaking up the song into little Addek drabbles. It basically explains Derek and Addison's rocky marriage and divorce after Addison cheats on Derek with Mark. It follows the pattern of the actual show, and it's only AU because of the couple's son, a fictional character I created. It's a pretty long little one-shot, and I've been working on it nonstop for a few nights while my vacation is finishing up. The time of each little scene jumps back and forth, they are out of chronological order. The story takes place generally in Seattle (although in some scenes, L.A. and New York), around 2006-2007 (so Season 3 of Grey's). The final scene is jumped to present time Private Practice, making James around 11 years old. If you are at any time confused, let me know! Read and Review, please :) The more reviews I get, the more I will update my other Grey's story (and I know I'm stalling, I know what I want next for Hello, Seattle, but every time I try to write it down I lose my beginning. I'm getting there, haha) Enjoy my very first Addek story, and very first Song-fic for that matter! More are to come :)
. Now we ain't talked, since we left,
We're driving slow, through the snow,
On Fifth Avenue.
And right now, radio is
All that we can hear.
It's so overdue.
It's cold outside, but between us
It's worse in here.
.
In the dead of silence, Addison Montgomery-Shepherd looked over to her angry-looking husband driving their sport's car, feeling more guilt than anyone ever had before. Crying was overrated; there was none of that involved anymore. But she knew it was over, her marriage.
She really tried to make it work. She came to Seattle with their son, James Maxwell Emerson Shepherd, all the way from New York to try to make it work. 11 years of marriage would not go to waste, Addison promised herself. One stupid mistake wouldn't ruin 11 years of marriage. But it seemed that she wasn't the only one who was sleeping around…
He loved her, she knew he loved her. The intern with the bright green eyes. The dark and twisty Meredith. The anti-Addison. To top it all off, Derek even picked Addison over her, at first. To try to be a good guy; for their young son. They acted out the whole charade, with the boring sex and the kisses on the cheek around the hospital. But Addison-and-Derek didn't work anymore, not like they used to. Even James thought so, hating to stay with his dad every weekend. Addison believed in something that wasn't there anymore. Addison loved Derek, but Derek did not love Addison back.
One thing was certain, the only thing they had in common anymore was their 6 year old son sitting in the backseat of the car. James, who had Derek's perfect brown hair and Addison's deep blue eyes, sat to the right with his head pressed against the window, probably wishing he was somewhere else. He was her biggest regret, having brought him in the middle of their fallen marriage.
And it was Christmas. They loved Christmas, the Shepherds. Derek would take James upstate and they would cut down their own tree. The Brownstone would smell of pine needles and holiday candles. A very excited James would wake Addison and Derek up at the crack of dawn so he could see what Santa left him. But this year was different.
This year, Derek and Addison really tried. For James. They went out a breakfast café in Seattle to have breakfast with their son. Derek and Addison barely spoke, not to each other, and not to James. He didn't enjoy it this year, no one did. This time it was different.
As the black Mercedes-Benz pulled up to the hotel that Addison and James were staying at, she tried to look into Derek's blue/green eyes for something. Just something that would tell her it wasn't over.
"Derek…." She said softly as James poked his head up from his resting position against the window.
He only looked past her and reached to the back seat to hug their son. "I hope you had a Merry Christmas, son. I love you." Derek said, faking a smile for him. James only did the same thing back as he wrapped his little arms around his father's neck, looking at Addison the entire time as if to say, "I'm sorry".
Finally putting it in her mind that this was over, Addison grabbed her purse and opened the door of the car to leave. As her son did the same thing, she looked over to him seeing hope in his eyes, that maybe one day, she could be happy.
But either way, she would have to learn to be happy without Derek.
.
The world, slows down, but my heart, beats fast right now.
I know, this is, the part, where the end starts…
.
"Derek! Derek, listen to me-" Addison called out after him, tears streaming down her face. Thunder from the tremendous rain outside claps, which only makes Derek more angry with his wife.
"Derek, you can't do this, Derek we have to- we need to talk about it, you need to give me a chance to explain- what are you doing?" She chased after him as Derek walked quickly away from her and into their closet in the master bedroom of their Brownstone in New York City. He took off an entire rack of clothes that belonged to Addison and held onto them in his right arm as he walked down the hallway towards the stairwell, as Addison walked after him. Opening the door of his bedroom only a crack, the then 5 year old James Shepherd watches his mother and father run down the stairs as he senses something is wrong. He gets a troubled look on his face as he rubs his eyes, quietly leaving his bedroom to follow his parents.
She yells after him as Derek opens up the front door of their Brownstone and Addison finally sees what he is about to do. She's sobbing now, not knowing what to do next. James, on the other hand, walks down a few steps and sits on one of the top ones, watching his parents fight as a single tear streams down his face. He had never seen his mother so upset before. "What are you doing with my clothes, Derek? It was one time, I know that's what people say, that's what always gets said. It was just, I don't even know how it happened, I don't know what I was thinking, it was just- he was just here, he was just-"
"You screw my best friend and all you have to say is "He was just here"?" Derek yells back to her, throwing all of her clothes that were in his arms out the front door as they are immediately soaked in the pouring rain.
"Get out." Derek says, seeing his son at the corner of his eye. The words make both James and Addison shudder and James buries his head in his hands and cries for his Mommy.
"No."
"Get out."
"No, no I'm not going, we need to talk about this! We need to talk to James, Derek please-"
"Get out, of my house! Now!" Derek yells, walking towards Addison, fully prepared to kick her out himself.
"No. I'm holding my ground. I'm holding my ground. We don't quit!" She screams to him as Derek stands right in front of her.
"No, no, no…." James mumbled to himself, doubting that either of his screaming parents heard him. He cries into his hands now, wishing that his father wasn't so cruel.
"We have to work it out-" She says, struggling as Derek takes her by the elbows , leading her towards the front door. James stands up now, wanting to speak but no words come out of his mouth as both is parents continue to fight.
"Derek!" Addison screams as Derek leaves her outside of the house on the steps, and he closes the door behind him as she cries quietly outside in the pouring rain. Only wearing Derek's old blue shirt and pair of his boxers, she feels the cold rain soak through the clothes on her back as she keeps her hands on the door, sobbing for Derek to let her in. James runs down the stairs as Derek looks to him, embarrassed that his son saw what he did to his mother.
"James, son-" His small lips quiver as tears run down his face and he looks angrily at Derek.
"I hate you! I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, and I will never love you ever again!" The little boy says, running back up the stairs to sit on the very stop step. Derek sighs and closes his eyes, hearing his wife sob and cry for him outside in the cold. Feeling as it was the right thing to do, he reluctantly opens the door up as Addison walks back into the house.
"I'm sorry. " She says, slowly walking into Derek's arms, still crying her heart out as her mascara smears all over Derek's jacket. "I'm sorry, okay-" Addison says, mumbling other words under her breath as Derek gradually sets his hands on the small of her back, speechless.
She turns around and touches his face, trying to look into his eyes. As Derek looks away from her, she knew that this was the start. The start of the end, for them. For their little family. Derek closes the front door behind him, having left it open since he let Addison in. Not being able to look at her, he speaks to the ground as Addison shakes her head from side to side.
"You know, you stay, I'll come get my clothes in the morning-"
"No no no no, we can survive this... Derek, we can survive this… We're, we're Addison-and-Derek." She says, not prepared for what he would say next as she runs her fingers through her very wet ginger hair. James, on the top step, listened to his parents as he figured out that his Dad was leaving. He was glad that he would be gone, having been mad that his mother was kicked out of the house. James lays his back down on the carpeted floor upstairs, closing his eyes as he tries to remember when he was happy last.
"I can't look at you… I look at you and I feel nauseas…" Derek states, staring into Addison's eyes, the ones his son inherited, the ones he feel love with… Looking at her, he starts to breathe heavily as he says what he knew she couldn't say. "We're not Addison-and-Derek anymore."
Processing what her husband just said, Addison just nods her head as she responds. "If you go now, we are not going to get through this. Not for us, not for him." She says, looking up the stairs, knowing her son was listening. "If you go now… we don't have a chance… We don't have a chance," She sobs, her voice getting higher as she starts to cry again, wanting ever so much for Derek to stay with her and their son.
"If you go now, If you go…" Addison trails off as Derek looks at her, shaking his head as he quickly leaves through the front door, out to the cold rain. She stares at the door, knowing that a part of her just left through that door as she backs up to sit on the bottom step of their staircase. She puts her head in her hands as she cries, wishing it was over. Wishing all of this was over.
Next to her, Addison sees her son sit down, looking at her with a concerned face on. "Momma?" He asks quietly as she continues to cry, having heard his little voice call to her.
Not looking at him, she answers, "Yes, baby?"
"Is Daddy gonna come back?" The words he spoke now fully broke her heart as Addison looks down at him, salty tears coming down her cheeks.
"I don't know, James, I really just… don't know." She answers as James looks sadly at the front door. She then puts an arm around his shoulder, pulling him closer to her. Addison looks at her son's curly brown hair as she kisses his forehead, knowing that this battle wasn't over…
.
I can't take it any longer,
Thought that we were stronger,
All we do is linger.
Slipping through our fingers,
I don't want to try now.
All that's left is goodbye, to
Find a way that I can tell you…
I hate this part right here,
I hate this part right here,
I just can't take your tears…
I hate this part right here.
.
They had tried for months now, to make it work. Addison got a job at Derek's hospital in Seattle. Seattle, which was so far from New York, where they lived and made their name. She uprooted her son so they could live with Derek in his trailer in Seattle, so she could chase this fantasy she had that Derek would actually love her again like he used to. But he had other things on his mind.
He would interact with James, taking him out fishing by the lake and even once going camping with him. But Addison knew now that it was just another opportunity for Derek to avoid her. He told her he loved her. But folding up unfamiliar black, lacy panties that were found in Derek's jacket pocket told a different story. Derek, Addison's husband, loved Meredith, the intern.
This was Addison's wake up call, looking over her shoulder to be sure James was not in the area. She gets a large zip-lock bag and places the folded panties into it. Fighting back tears, Addison walks down the small trailer hallway and sits on the bed, letting the pain sink in.
Addison Montgomery was done pretending. This was it, it was finally over. She would tell Derek in the evening after James was asleep.
Or would she?
.
Every day, seven takes, of the same old scene.
Seems we're bound, by the laws, of the same routine.
Gotta talk, to you now, 'fore we go to sleep.
But will we sleep, once I tell you, what's hurting me?
.
"Where's Daddy?" James asked Addison as he took a big bite of cereal from the bowl in front of him. It was a Sunday morning, usually a slow day at the hospital, but Derek had gone to work early to follow-up on an overnight patient. She wished he had come last night, wanting to tell him about what she found in his jacket pocket…
"Hmm? Oh, he was at work last night. He'll be back later." Addison says, staring out the trailer window looking at the wilderness outside. She hated this trailer with a burning passion, but she made it work. For Derek.
"Does he love you anymore, Mommy?" James questions his mother, looking at her curiously in the eyes.
Addison nearly choked up, not knowing what to say, exactly. "We're working on that, right now, Jamie." He gets the message not to ask any more questions as he continues to quietly eat his breakfast.
He's been noticing changes in his home environment in these past couple months, and he didn't like it. Addison was rarely ever happy, and Derek hardly ever talked to Addison. Also, Derek's friend Meredith came over a lot when his Mommy as at work. He didn't like her; Meredith always looked at him funny. James also learned when it was and when it wasn't okay to talk about Mommy to his Daddy. He didn't like the change, and every day he wished things were back the way they used to be in New York.
Addison never thought she would give up like this, the last third of her life, with Derek. But it seemed as though it was the end. Getting up now, Addison walks over the bedroom, where out of one of the dresser drawers she takes out the divorce papers.
James' eyes follow her every move, as he turns around to watch his mother sign a collection of familiar papers. Those papers were around the trailer since he and Addison moved there 2 months ago. Derek and Addison often spent a long time looking at the papers and James hated those papers from the minute Daddy handed them coldly to Mommy.
Addison sniffled up tears as she signed the papers, setting them on Derek's side of the bed when she was done. She had a very sleepless night ahead of her to look forward to.
.
I know you'll ask me to hold on,
And carry on like nothing is wrong…
But there is no more time for lies,
Cause I see sun set in your eyes…
.
It was a done deal. The papers were signed and were sitting peacefully in Derek's mailbox. Addison was given full custody of James, with visitation rights given to Derek. Hers and James' bags were packed and they would leave for Los Angeles at the end of the day. Addison felt relieved, finally letting go of the fact that Derek loved someone else. And that this, was better for her. Better for their son. He wouldn't be around the fighting all the time.
Sure, she made a mistake. But so did Derek.
The sun was setting in Seattle, but it was only rising in LA. And it was always sunny in LA.
James was at his last day of 1st grade in Seattle, and Addison was spending the rest of the day making sure all her stuff was in LA and saying goodbye to the few friends she had in Seattle. Addison always thought she would dread this day, but in reality, she was happy. They were starting over.
She stood outside of Seattle Grace Hospital and looked at the front door which she remembered walking through for the first time over a year ago. At that very moment, she was fully intended on winning 'her man' back. Addison knew now that it wasn't right. Derek deserves to be happy.
And so does she. So Addison Adrienne Forbes Montgomery, yes, Montgomery, swallowed her pride and walked into Seattle Grace Hospital for the last time.
.
I gotta do this,
I gotta do it,
I gotta do it…
I hate this part.
I gotta do it,
I gotta do it,
I gotta do it…. Oh…
.
Before leaving, before picking up her life again and setting it somewhere else, before getting her son from school to board an airplane to their new home, Addison takes a ride on a ferryboat. She never cared for ferryboats, but both Derek and James really liked them, so she became accustomed to riding on them. For a while, she paced the deck, looking at the cloudy sky above her. Once, she even second-guessed herself about leaving Seattle. But Addison quickly snapped out of it as she toyed with the rings on her pointer finger.
After all this time, she could never seem to take them off. They were the very last pieces of Derek she would ever have, besides James. And she was reluctant to give them up, even now. But she knew that she had to do this, or she would be forever haunted by her wedding rings.
Slowly, Addison slides them off her finger. She had lied to Derek, saying that they were stuck and that all this time she couldn't get them off. And it was sort of true. She could not take them off, until today. She holds them for a moment, feeling the tears run down her face as she sniffles and closes her eyes, throwing them into water below the ferry. Addison turns around, not hearing a splash as her red hair blows in the soft wind. She wipes her tears away with her forearm, like she was about to wipe away the last 12 years of her life. Looking at the view a final time, Addison descends down the stairs of the ferry boat, now finally ready to leave her pain behind.
.
I hate this part right here,
I hate this part right here,
I just can't take these tears…
I hate this part right here.
.
5 years later
"Can you get that, baby?" Addison yells from the kitchen to her 11 year-old son with flowy brown curls, like his dad. He turns around to look at her, with eyes just like hers, as Addison smiles and he gets up to answer the door.
"Hey Dad," James answers, a little surprised to see his father in front of him. Addison takes a few steps back from her making of pasta to see her ex-husband hugging their son. Derek looks over to her as he smiles, Addison returning the favor.
"Hey son. I swear, every time I see you, you're at least an inch taller. I'm positive this time." James laughs her brother Archer's laugh as Derek puts an arm around his mini-me.
Addison smiles. It was hard for James to grow up with his father not around all the time, and he always lit up when Derek came around. Like his mother, James wasn't too fond of Derek's new wife, and whenever he came to LA, he came by himself.
"What are you doing here, Dad?" Their son asks Derek, as he looks at the familiar red-head in the kitchen. At this point, Addison had her back turned to them, focused on not over-cooking the pasta and listening to their conversation as she smiled to herself.
"Came to see you. Can't a man fly 2 hours to see his son?" Derek said, messing up James' hair as Addison turns around to Derek and smiles that smile that he once was in love with. Damn Addison, he thought to himself.
"Hey Derek, long time no see." She says, leaning in to give him a friendly hug. This was no longer awkward to her. It felt good having Derek as her friend, now. No more pain. "How are you? How was your flight?"
"Good, everyone's fine. First class was a little loud today, a few whiny kids were behind me, but all is good. Sorry I didn't tell you I was coming." Derek responds, looking over to their grinning son as he leans on the breakfast bar.
"No, no- it's fine. I'm actually going out tonight, so at least James be able to spend some time with you. I was going to leave him with Amelia-"
"That's where I'm staying. This works out fine." Derek says with his McDreamy smile as he makes a proposal to James. "Alright son, why don't we go outside on the beach and see how far you can really throw, quarterback?" James smiles, happy his father acknowledged his new spot on the football team, as he walks with his dad to the living room for a moment.
"So, how's… Meredith?" James asks his father out of politeness as he opens the back door that leads to the backyard of his Addison's house. Addison knows that James doesn't like his new step-mother, so she's proud that she and Derek were able to teach their son common courtesy.
"Well, actually son, not so good, we've been having a few problems with trust here and there-" Derek says, closing the screen door behind him as Addison sighs. She wanted Derek to be happy, even if it was with Meredith. Before thinking any further, she gets a call from Sam, her current beau, as she smiles and answers the phone.
"Hey, yeah, I was just about to call you, "Addison responds, opening the back door to watch Derek and James throw the football around. She laughs at something Sam says to her, "Haha, actually, Derek's here so I'm just going to leave James with him... No, he didn't tell me… It's fine, Sam, it's good for James to spend time with his dad… I'm coming in 10 minutes, I have to go find something to wear… Fine, just for you I'll wear my red dress. Happy?... Alright, I'll see you in a bit… Love you too… Bye." Addison sets her phone in her sweatshirt pocket again as she calls out to James.
"Baby?" Both Derek and James turn to face her as Addison laughs to herself. "I'm going out with Sam now I'll be back around 11. Be good for your dad, alright?"
"Alright, mom!" James says, throwing the football to his dad as Addison closes the screen door behind her, with a certain jump in her step. Derek stares at the door for a minute, James waving his hand in front of his father's face.
"Dad? Dad? Earth to Dad! Come on, throw it back to me, I'll show you how far I can run to receive!" Derek snaps out of his fantasy, Addison in her red dress, as he picks up the football and throws it as far as he can to his son. Damn it, Addison.
Damn it, Damn it, Damn it.
I hate this part, right here.