Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, his friends, and of the material from the books, or the copyright claims to the movies or books (even though I wish I did). The only Harry Potter things that I own are these words and a wand that's currently hiding someplace in my room. All character names are the property of J.K. Rowling.
Never Alone
Lupin opened his blue eyes, and gazed up at the ceiling. He was awake.
That meant it was morning.
Damn.
He raised himself onto his elbows, and looked out the window from Gryffindor Tower. Outside, the lake glistened a deep blue, the grass a gorgeous green, and the new sun a cheery yellow.
Damnit all to hell.
He didn't want to get up. It was a Sunday. Time to sleep in, time to relax. Time to do whatever the hell he wanted. Of course, James just wouldn't have that.
"REMUS! WAKE UP! IIIIIIIIIIT'S MORNING!"
Lupin rolled his eyes at the annoying voice of his best friend. How was it even possible to love the morning this much? This had been Jame's ritual, every Sunday morning, for the past three months. Needless to say, it wasn't exactly the most wonderful way to wake up.
"No, you prat, I thought it was the middle of the night."
"You would, Remus, you would. Remember that time when-"
"Shove off, James."
And so the banter commenced. James cheery and encouraging, Remus irritable and nasty. They were the strangest pair. Who had ever thought that they would become friends? They were polar opposites: James loved Quidditch, Remus found it a waste of time. Remus excelled in academics, while James kicked back and daydreamed all through their classes. James would spend most of his time chatting up the girls, Remus would sit off in a corner and read. How was it that they became such fast friends? No one knew except the two of them.
Lupin felt even more moody today. Today was the day that he would truly express to James how he felt, he knew it. But how? He couldn't exactly snog him in a corridor, or just walk up and tell him. Either way was sure to be met with instant rejection. So how could he do it?
The question bothered him for most of the day. He sat through breakfast, poking at his porridge dully, while James, Peter, and Sirius laughed it up. They attempted multiple times to draw him into the conversation with comments like, "Bloody hell, isn't she amazing?" or "So how about them Cannons?" Sirius, eventually catching onto his mood, asked him solemnly "Remus, what's wrong?" But Lupin could not bring himself to tell him.
The oppressive afternoon heat found Lupin down at the lake's edge, pondering his technique. He still had no idea how to tell James about his true feelings. How, in all of Wizardom, could he broach the topic? Get James to understand without hate? The question would have to wait, because the object of his affections chose that moment to join him.
"Hey, Remus. What's the matter?"
Lupin looked up at James's call, but did not answer. James continued toward him, eventually sitting beside him at the water's edge.
"Oi! Remus, you got anything resembling a brain left up there? If I didn't know better, I'd swear you'd gone dumb!" Lupin still refused to answer. He was too focused memorizing his angel's face for the hundredth time. Gorgeous hazel eyes, a white smile on his face, and perpetually messy hair once again standing up in all directions. Why couldn't the universe allow thing beautiful boy to be his? Why-
"Remus?" All of a sudden, James's face was very close to his own, and a look of genuine concern filled his eyes. "Are you alright?"
Lupin brought himself out of his stupor. "Yeah, James, whatever." He shook his head, and let his gaze fall to his own shoes again. His dull answer, though insincere, served to satisfy James.
"Good!" Jame's infectious smile was back, as well as his unstoppable cheer. "I was thinking-"
Lupin smacked his face dramatically. "James, you know the doctor said not to do that-"
" Oh, shut it." Jame's grin never wavered. "I was thinking, you and I should go swimming! It's bloody hot out here, in'it?"
Lupin paled, horrified. This was the end. James would find out, and he would leave, and never speak-
"No, thanks James. I'm actually not feeling that good, actually. That's all. You can if you want, I was just going to head back."
James frowned, disappointed. "No, that's alright. I'm actually feeling kind of queasy myself! Must have been something in the porridge, eh?" He belly laughed, smacked Lupin on the back, and they walked toward the castle together in companionable silence.
That evening, Lupin once again stared up at the ceiling above his four-poster bed. He had failed. He had not told James how he felt. Fury rose up in Lupin's chest, fury at his own pathetic state. How could he possibly call himself a man? He chickened out of such a simple thing, it was just stupid. He resolved, then and there, that James would know how he felt by the end of tomorrow. Then, on that note, Lupin sat at his desk, and began writing a letter.
Lupin awoke at four a.m. the next morning. He got dressed quietly, retrieved his wand from the bedside table, and tiptoed past Sirius, Peter, and James-
"Remus?" James's groggy voice came from the vague direction of his bed. Lupin flinched violently, surprised, and quickly wished he hadn't. The floorboards under his feet gave a loud groan in protest, and James sat bolt upright.
"Remus, what are you doing?" James, still rubbing at his eyes, asked.
"I...ah..." Lupin relied. Internally, a war raged. I should lie, he thought, I have think something up quick. But James would know anyway, so he decided to be honest. "I'm going to the owlery. I have to send a letter."
"Oh. I'll come with you." James rolled out of bed, already in new robes. 'It saves time, time that I'd rather spend asleep.' Lupin remembered him saying before.
"Alright."
And so they trudged down the tower steps, down the staircases, through the Entrance Hall, and finally out into the cool morning air. It was a half-hour's walk to the owlery. The two boys made their way in silence, but not a strained one. It was a familiar silence, one that was acquired by an intimate knowledge of each others thoughts. Finally, they reached the building, an old, twisting, stone structure. They went inside.
Lupin led the way to the uppermost level, where all the barn owls were. he went to the most familiar one, one that he had named James, and gently slid the envelope marked "James Potter" under its feet. Lupin then straightened, turned, and proceeded out of the owlery, James following and watching curiously. When they were outside once again, James decided to ask.
"So who was it to?"
Lupin cringed slightly. The inevitable question. However, his mysterious response set James to wondering, not pestering.
"Someone special."
A few hours later, the Great Hall was once again filled with students of all ages, yelling and laughing, eating their breakfast. Lupin was nervous now, but committed to making everything appear normal. He joined in the sexist and raucous Gryffindor chatter, even agreeing when the attractiveness of the opposite gender was mentioned. He could do this, he decided. He could, no, he WOULD, power through this day.
Then morning mail came. Owls of every species swooped through the Hall, dropping packages, letters, and Daily Prophets in front of students. Squeals of joy, moans of disappointment, and laughter echoed around the huge room. Until a certain package was dropped in front of a certain James Potter.
James took the letter, puzzled. He wasn't expecting anything. He opened the letter, and read.
My love James,
Not a day passes without my thoughts
drifting to you. You are my light, my happiness, my
everything. I could not live without you,
you complete me. I love you with my
whole heart, as I always have and always will.
I watch you as you go through your day,
and I love your smile. I love the sound
of your laugh, the way that you try to cheer
everyone around you. I love your lovable aura,
so accepting of others different from you.
I watch you as you fly through the air on
your broom, and I envy the air, caressing your
face. I envy the broom, supporting you, getting
you where you need to go. But most of all, I
envy the Snitch. The golden ball you wave in he
air, smiling, as if it were the greatest treasure in the
world. I love you, James Potter. I always will.
Love,
Remus Lupin.
Life continued on as normal in the Great Hall. Nothing seemed to have changed. James looked up from the parchment at Lupin.
Lupin watched James's eyes. They showed nothing, nothing at all. No change. No sudden love. No inexpressible desire to be held. Only shock.
The blood roared in his ears. In a flash, Lupin was up out of his seat. In another second, he was dashing down the center aisle of the Great Hall, desperate to be free. James hated him, he knew. Nothing would ever be the same. He was alone.
Lupin was so caught up in his running, that he didn't hear James yell his name. Didn't hear the running footsteps behind him.
Lupin was just outside the Great Hall when James caught up to him. James shoved him into the wall, so no one seated in the Hall could see them. He yanked Lupin up by the front of his shirt, lifting him up from the floor. Lupin was crying now, bawling. He apologized for everything, said he was sorry for anything and everything he could think of. And then he was silent.
Because James had crashed his lips into Lupin's.
And then Remus Lupin knew that everything was going to be alright.
Hey guys, I'm rather new to this. Flame if you like, but especially review! Hope you enjoyed it as much as I did!