Someone banged on the door. "Johnny, are you hiding in the bathroom?"
"I'll be out in a minute!"
"Don't be too long. Your Great-Aunt Sarah is here." There was a sound of shuffling, and John was once again alone in the dark.
He flipped open his cellphone and dialed Rodney's office in Area 51. Yeah, it was a Saturday afternoon, but where else would Rodney be?
"Hello?"
"Help!"
"What?" John could hear Rodney shutting his office door. "What's wrong? Is it the Ori? Oh god, is it the Wraith?"
"No," John hissed. "It's my family."
There was a moment of silence. "You have a family?"
"No, Rodney. I'm hiding in a bathroom from strangers."
A snicker. "You're hiding in the bathroom?"
John sank down the linoleum and rested his head against the door. "It's a half bath actually. It has just enough room for me, the shower, and the toilet. But it's better than being out there, with them."
"No, seriously. I thought you were an orphan or something."
"I am, but I have this huge extended family and someone told them I was back. They showed up at my apartment, Rodney. I've been invaded."
"I'm... sorry?" Oh, Rodney was so bad at this. "Are they like my family? Do I need to get on a plane and come rescue you?"
"No, they're not like your family. No one has insulted me, or told me my genius is inferior, or tried to feed me food I'm allergic to. It's just..."
"It's just what, Sheppard? It sounds like you have a nice, normal family, god help you."
"They keep touching me!" John knew he sounded like a petulant child, but he couldn't help it. "And there have been kisses, and hair mussing."
"Are you sure no one ever molested you? Because your whole 'no non-sexual touching' thing is pretty odd."
"My parents weren't exactly touchy feely. I can't deal with this."
Rodney sighed and even over the phone John could tell it was one of his long suffering, why am I sleeping with you again sighs. "Close your eyes." John obeyed. "You're not hiding from your relatives in a tiny bathroom, you're with me, on our balcony. There are no crazy relatives who want to shower you with affection, there's just us, and your issues."
John took a deep breath, and let it go. "Thanks, Rodney."
"Shields back to maximum?"
"Yeah, thanks. Still coming out next week?"
"Barring the destruction of the planet, I'll be there." There was a click and Rodney was gone.
John got to his feet, and opened the door. His Uncle Erwin was right outside the door. Oh, it was going to be a long night. Even as he let the door close behind him, John was already longing to be back in the little room, all by himself.