warning, this is a yaoi, m-preg, au story, with a lot of angst, and some romance. don't like, plese don't bother wasting your time reading. you have been warned!
Note: I think I'm only going to have songs in the first two chapters, not all of them
Ukime
Ukime (misery): the art of being miserable.
That is how he felt. Miserable. Hopeless. Helpless. Worthless. And yet, he couldn't get enough. He knew he should, should not be going for the constant pleasure of the elder man…youkai. What would his friends say? He was the one of Inuyasha's greatest enemies, and yet, he was sneaking behind his friend's back to have intercourse with the man. What was he thinking? WHAT WAS HE DOING?! He was running. That's what. He was running away from it all. He HAD to get away from it all. Away from the abuse of the youkai. Away from the constant worried glances of his friends at his distance. Away from the woman who thought he loved her, and he did…at one point.
Away from the hanyou who looked so much like the one he secretly pleasured himself in.
And so, there he was, running, fleeing, doing what he did best. He avoided his problems at all cost, and that is why he couldn't stay there. The more he did, the more he was torn, and tempted to run back to the stoic Lord of the West, and beg for him to allow him to accompany him and be his whore. No. He was a Buddhist monk, he had more honor than that, he had more self respect than that. He had more common sense than to think that would-COULD-even work.
And so he ran from his misery. Content with not being around the one he so fervently desired. The one he knew would bring him nothing but misery and pain. And yet, he wanted nothing more than that delicious pain at the moment. The delicious feel of those claws raking against his skin as he was brutally taken again and again. That delicious heat he felt when he looked into those lust-filled amber ores.
The feeling of excitement that came from knowing that they could be caught in their rut on the forest floor; that the one taking him could and would kill him without a moment's thought; that at any moment the youkai could lose control and that those deadly poison claws that raked across his back could at any moment leak their deadly poison, and he would die for his sinful bliss.
And so to keep his mind of those strangely erotic thoughts, he decided to run. To focus all his strength and energy on running. On getting away from all those around him that were causing his mind such misery.
Misery.
What a tasteful word, and yet, even the emotion it depicted didn't describe what he felt. He felt a combination. He felt misery, yes, but also despair, helplessness, hopelessness. He wanted nothing more that to just curl up in a ball and fall asleep. To sleep away the depression. And so he ran. He ran to the place he always ran. The place no one would find him. His stronghold.
He ran to misery cave. He needed to feel safe, and that was the only way that he would. He couldn't believe that that barrier he had erected so many years ago was still erect, or that the place was just his secret.
In truth, the cave wasn't a cave. It went into the mountain like a cave, but in the exact center, there was a clearing, complete with a hot spring surrounded by trees and rocks. There was a house he had spent nearly six months building, for he had had to haul the wood up the mountain, and it was no easy climb, but it was worth it, for now he had the perfect oasis.
Only game could enter, and they seemingly disappeared. What made the barrier even more perfect was the fact that he and harmless animals could enter, but if a threat came along, they entered into what seemed a cave. They didn't affect his haven, and he didn't come CLOSE to them. Even more perfectly, his friends never even sensed the barrier. He had even questioned them on the subject a few times, and they had denied ability to.
And there he sat. he didn't want to eat, and he didn't want to sleep. He just wanted to sit in the water and be left alone. He didn't know how long he had been there, or whether or not his friends were looking for him. He didn't care. He had made sure to erect another barrier for sound upon arriving, and he was content to just sit there and stare at the water snake that was coming towards him.
Water snake?
As if on cue, the animal transformed into the only other person he had ever told about the place of refuge.
"'Roku my sweet," she said in her ever seductive way. "You have left your friends, and seem to be all alone my sweet, is there something the matter? Please speak to me, I am quite worried about you, you didn't even notice my entering, and don't you dare tell me that nothing is wrong I can see it on fa-…"
"Sarai…enough" the houshi interrupted. " I know I'm not fine, and you know WHY I am not fine. For now, I just need some time to contemplate where to go from there, if you don't mind, would you please go back to your mate?"
Mate. He despised the word. It symbolized every thing he didn't have. Happiness, love, compassion, someone to care about you, and to care about. But he wouldn't cry. He COULDN'T cry, not with Sarai here, she would never leave if he cried.
He was interrupted from his musings as she gave him a knowing look and exited the refuge through the back entrance so as not to attract attention to herself, and he was once more left alone to think of all the things that were going steadily down hill in his life. If suicidal had a picture-boy, he would be it.
That is when he was once more brought from his musings of Sarai sitting outside of the cave, singing to the heavens. a/n: these are the lyrics to flyleaf's song so sick, so just to quote that I didn't come up with them.
I will break into your thoughts
With what's written on my heart
I will break, break
He wished she hadn't and yet, she had, and therefore he was forced to listen as she sang.
I'm so sick,
Infected with where I live
Let me live without this
Empty bliss,
Selfishness
I'm so sick
I'm so sick
He didn't want to listen anymore. Oh BUDDHA, he didn't want to listen anymore. He just wanted to peacefully go back to his musings so that he wouldn't have to think about anything he didn't want to. He didn't want to think of how empty his bliss was, for on the other side there was nothing but misery, self-loathing, pain, doubt and depression. He didn't want to think of how selfish his desires were. He wanted nothing but to continue to think of how much he wanted to forget it all so that he WOULD forget it all, and that he WOULD get over it. He wasn't that lucky.
If you want more of this
We can push out, sell out, die out
So you'll shut up
And stay sleeping
With my screaming in your itching ears
That's all he wanted to do. Put everyone that was a part of this to sleep in the same location so he could tell them all. Tell them what he was feeling, and yet…he knew it wouldn't be enough if they didn't accept it for what it was. Accept HIM for what HE was.
I'm so sick,
Infected with where I live
Let me live without this
Empty bliss,
Selfishness
I'm so sick
I'm so sick
And back to those dredded words. Just as he was beginning to feel as if he had made some sort of a breakthrough and was heading in the right direction, they were back to remind him that he was, once more being selfish about something he couldn't have.
Hear it, I'm screaming it
You're heeding to it now
He was screaming. Screaming on the inside for he could not do so on the outside. And how he wanted to scream.
Hear it! I'm screaming it!
You tremble at this sound
Oh how he wanted that bastard to hear him scream. To hear the hurt and the anguish that he brought him, and yet, he could do no such thing for it would mean certain death, even if the youkai lord WAS in a rarely good mood, not that he would ever fear the monk.
You sink into my clothes
And this invasion
Makes me feel
Worthless, hopeless, sick
It the nail on the head. He was feeling just that, as if he didn't deserve to have the kindness, compassion, and care of his friends. As if he was worthless because all he could seem to think about was what he could not have; what he could never have. What would never be his.
I'm so sick,
Infected with where I live
Let me live without this
Empty bliss,
Selfishness
I'm so sick
I'm so sick
I'm so sick
Infected with where I live
Let me live without this
Empty bliss, selfishness
I'm so
I'm so sick
I'm so
I'm so sick
He had resolved. He would go to his friends, he would resolve this issue, but first…he would sleep.
he didn't know how long he had slept. All he knew was that when he awoke, he felt different. Strange, but not in the bad way. Also, there were three cloaked and hooded figures besides Sarai. Standing over him, and looking very pleased with themselves.
"Monk" the first male spoke, " We see you have awaken and therefore we may explain. Today you have been granted two gifts."
"The first, is the ability to become a Tenkai" explains the second male "as is known, a Tenkai is a keeper of the peace. Half angel, half youkai. You are blessed with the ability to keep peace between heaven, earth, and hell. With that ability, however, comes great responsibility. You WILL stop your lecherous ways. You WILL NOT marry the taijiya, and you WILL mate the Lord of the West. It is spoken, and therefore it is. These are your servants. Yuki and Yuko are the females, and Yuka is their alpha. A rare thing, yet they have all agreed. You go NO WHERE without them. Understood?"
All the former human could do was nod, that was quite a mouthful, and there was more.
"Also, you have been granted the ability of being a bi-Tenkai" states the third, who was –surprisingly- a female. " This means that, not only are you able to sire pups, but you may also bear them. This means that you must take greater risks. Your individual heat will be two months after the youkai heat. I expect you to have delivered this scroll to the Lord of the West by then. That is all."
She hands him the scroll, and they vanished.
"Well?" asks Sarai "What now?"
"An order is an order, I guess" states the now Tenkai. " Off we go, but first, you three, tell not of what you've seen, and none of what you've heard, or what you will hear if you value your lives. Understood?"
His answer was three bows and proclamations of "hai" in unison.
"Good" he states, "then we shall leave. You may accompany if you wish Sarai" She wished, and with that said, they left.
First on his list was Sesshoumaru.
They reached the lord of the west in about an hour's time, and the scroll was given. Upon acceptance to the will of the council (which Miroku didn't realize they were until Sesshoumaru stated it), they headed towards his friends.
It wasn't until about 20 minutes later that realization dawned on Miroku. He was trapped. There was nothing he could do now but accept what was happening, and go along with what was planned out for him, as he had already accepted so much so far. Having stopped in his tracks, they looked at him worriedly.
"Are you alright master?" asks Yuko…he thought "Yes my master, I am Yuko"
a/n: woo hoo score one for the big guy!
"Hai…just…trapped"
"At least we don't have to sneak around anymore koi" states Sesshoumaru with…was that emotion?
Well, whatever it was, it got the Tenkai to smile and feel as if everything would be fine. That is, of course, until he smelled how pissed of his friends were, and the smell only got stronger the closer they got to the clearing he had left them in days before. (Sanai had filled him in on the time he was out for the transformation).
Upon entering the clearing he was met with not five, but seven pairs of angry eyes. Since when were Kouga and Kaede with the group?
Kagome walked over and slapped him while Sango merely glared at him from a distance.
"Where the hell have you been?! We were worried sick. SANGO was worried sick! What…don't you care anymore?"
"Don't yell at the master like that! His kind are ver-…"
Yuka was cut off by Yuki "Shh…don't cry master, it is alright"
For the first time, Sango spoke. "His kind? And what, pray tell, is his kind? Lecherous monks who disappear for days and have their fiancé's worried sick? Or just the kinds that seem to be arriving to their friends with three...no four…new companions. One of which happens to be an enemy of the group, and the other three complete strangers who call him master?!"
Needless to say, she was irate, and even THAT was putting it mildly.
"This Sesshoumaru will accept no more vicious words directed at his mate. The next to udder one will die by my hands."
The humans were shocked, but the youkai – and hanyou- were not.
And they all expected Inuyasha to join Sango in her anger at the male.
"Hnn…" was all he said
"Hnn? Hnn what Inuyasha?"
He ignored her. "So you mean to tell me that they decided to make you one instead of just GIVING you one?"
"They offered me many, but my heart and mind were set and made up. I wanted him, and no other."
"Hunh…dread the day they make mine"
"Damn it mutt face! That's what I've been trying to tell you since I got here!" exclaims…you got it!…. Kouga
"What?" Inuyasha dumbly questions.
"That YOU'RE to be MINE!" seethes Kouga
"WHAT?! THAT'S AN OUTRAGE! I DON'T DO UKE!" fumes Inuyasha
"Calm down Inuyasha. It has to be this way. If they had decided otherwise, we would merely have switched roles. One semei, on uke of the remaining inu's"
"Aah, so he's of the inu branch then" states Kaede aloud.
"No old woman, he'd be a wolf. Wait...do I have to change?" inquires Inuyasha.
"You've already gone through the transformation, and you still smell Inu, so I don't suppose so" Blandly replies the western lord.
"Whew! That's good, I'd HATE to have to be a smelly ookami" came Inuyasha's childish reply.
"Get back here uke! You are mine, and I shall make you pay for that!" replies Kouga, and the chase was on.
Sesshoumaru turned back to his soon to be mate.
"Are we better koi?" the lord inquires.
"Mmhmm" he sniffles.
"Good" was the lord's only reply, as he pulled his mate up, and began to walk off, with the Tenkai snuggled closely to him, face in fluff, and the servants of the Tenkai following closely behind.
Mkay, so I was sitting in my last hour class, and I got the idea for this story. Tell me if you think that it's crap, and tell me if you like it. No one beta-read it, so I would like to know if there are any terrible mistakes, I like my writing to be as close to perfect as possible, so don't feel bad about telling me what's wrong. The only thing I don't want to hear are any stupid comments about how I made this all a yaoi because if you read my summary, you should have known that by know. Anything else I will gratefully read, and probably reply back to. Thank you for reading my second work. If enough people like it, I might extend it, but for know I think it's a one shot.
Teaser for next chapter:
Miroku ran as fast as he could, and he still knew that trouble was going to find him. That's when he noticed it, but it was too late by then. Sesshoumaru had found him. The irate demon was staring him dead in the face, and all the pregnant Tenkai could do was whimper. Whimper because he knew that his mate was going to punish him. Whimper because he already knew that the child wouldn't be let to live. Whimper because the father didn't want it. But most of all whimper because his life was a living hell, and he didn't think he'd ever live through it. No…he would. He'd just probably end up killed by the very man he loved, craved, and adored.