I can't ride trains anymore. It really isn't very surprising, but it is terribly inconvenient. My aunt and uncle came to London as soon as they heard the news. At first I thought it would help to have someone to grieve with. But it didn't take me long to figure out that they weren't ready to grieve. Neither was I really, I was still in shock. We met in the house where my family used to live. The house that was now filled with phantoms and shadows. I made them both tea, eager to keep myself busy as I wasn't ready to think yet. There was a long silence before my uncle Harold spoke.
"We didn't know he was going to the train station," he said, "why was he there?" I could already sense the anger in his voice. I did know why he was there. But I couldn't tell him. How could I tell him that his son had been caught up in the same lot of nonsense that my siblings had. Yes, nonsense, that's exactly what it was. And look where it got them. They're dead. They're all dead. And they had to pull our cousin into it. I thought all of this bitterly and hot tears came to my eyes. It was ridiculous to blame their childishness; it wasn't what actually killed them. But still, if they had just listened to me…
My mind wandered to the last time I had spoken to my older brother. I had been preparing to go to a party with my friend and was irritated at the knock at my bedroom door. I answered it reluctantly and greeted my brother.
"What do you want?" I asked harshly.
"I need to talk to you, it's urgent," he answered. I already knew what it was going to be about, so I rolled my eyes.
"Talk then." I said, leaning against the door frame.
"Alone, please." He said, and pulled me into the hall. "Look, we were just at the professor's and…"
"I really don't want to hear about it," I interrupted.
"Please!" He pleaded. I folded my arms across my chest, but kept quiet. He continued, "We saw someone. A man, we think he needs our help. We think he might be from Nar…" I cut him off again.
"Why won't you stop?" I cried out. "Why are you so ridiculous? It's not real! It never was real! It was all a game! Why do you insist on it being real?"
"Because it is!" His voice was escalating, "It is real Susan! You were a queen! You were a queen of Narnia! It is real! You have to remember! Please!" He had put his hands on my arms and I pulled away sharply.
"No! It's not. This is it! This world is all there is. You were never a king, Peter. And neither was Edmund, and look at what you have done to Lucy! Why don't you leave them alone and grow up?" At that moment, Lucy appeared from around the corner. Her eyes were full of tears. Lucy…" I started, softer now. She shook her head. Peter broke the awkward silence.
"We're leaving for a while Su." His face was set so that I couldn't tell what he was thinking. "We should be back by tomorrow afternoon." And with that he turned and walked off. Lucy and I looked at each other a moment longer before she turned and followed her brother. That was the last time I saw them.
I had not been brave enough to collect the things believed to have belonged to my siblings that were found near their bodies. So my aunt and uncle brought them. It wasn't much. Two suitcases, an electric torch, two green rings and two gold. But I wasn't interested in any of that. My heart jumped and I gasped when my aunt handed me a white horn. I stared at it a long time before it began to sink in. It was my horn. But it wasn't. It couldn't be. A feeling rose inside of me telling me it was. It was a feeling of panic. Of grief. Of guilt. Of horror. I tried to push the feeling aside, but it was no good. I tried to speak, but nothing came. And then I fainted.