The Wrath of Red

Of Potters, Food-Fights and Elderly Paintings

An eye for an eye would make the whole world blind"

-Gandhi

James Potter will receive a slow and painful disembowelment by means of a blunt spork. Why would I, Lily Evans, (5th & 6th year girl Gryffindor prefect and now Head Girl at Hogwarts School Of Witchcraft And Wizardry), could even contemplate the murder of a fellow student – let alone new colleague Head Boy?

Well the answer is simple. James-I'm-Too-Darn-Hot-For-These-Shorts-Come-Help-Me-Take-Them-Off-Please-Lily has made me wreck my perfect school record by being late for the last first year sorting I will i EVER /i witness. He kicked me out of my own carriage, ensuring there were absolutely none left for me to hitch a ride on which meant I had to walk all the way from Hogsmeade Station (it's a long way…mostly uphill) IN THE POURING RAIN.

Now my new shoes are squelchy.

In the idyllic situation, where I wasn't standing at the doors of the Great Hall with every pair of eyes staring at me as if I'd grown green tentacles and if my mum was rich and influential, I'd phone her and bawl my eyes out, telling her how James Potter has ruined my life and attempt to though a tantrum until she somehow manages to get him expelled and drain his confidence until he is nothing but an insignificant piece of congealed goo in the bottom of a cauldron. But hey life's a bitch…and my shoes are wrecked.

"Ah Miss Evans, how nice of you to finally join us." Dumbledore said with a mischievous twinkle in his eye "The first years have already been sorted. I presume there is a reason for your tardiness? Please take a seat at the Gryffindor table."

I mumbled a quick sorry, fully aware my profoundly crimson face was clashing horribly with my dark red hair.

Making my way to the stool at the other end of the hall, I spotted Potter and his groupies sitting on the side of the table I was about to walk past. As I past them, I felt my foot catch on something and suddenly I was flying towards the floor.

Screaming, I squeezed my eyes shut, waiting for the stone floor to make its impact but it never came. Instead, I felt a pair of strong arms tighten around my waist.

Slowly I shifted to look at the face of my saviour and found I was staring into the eyes of Remus Lupin.

"You alright there Lily?" he whispered, still protectively holding onto my waist.

I nodded, grinning as I saw his eyes dart down to my lips.

"My saviour!" I cried, hugging him tightly, pretending to wipe a tear from my eye, "You art my Romeo. Oh Romeo, how I've missed thee!"

Remus rolled his eyes and pulled me up so I was sitting next to him. He was used to my dramatics and awful adaptations of Shakespeare.

"Had a nice summer then?" I asked, munching into a slice of toast.

"Aye, you?" he replied, prolonging the 'aye' so it sounded more like 'aaaaye". How very strange.

"'Twas okay. Can't complain really."

Potter was red in the face and reminded me of a steam engine which was about to spontaneously combust.

After a few minutes of happily chatting away with Remus (blatantly ignoring Black, Potter and Pettigrew as troubled seemed to follow where ever they trailed) Potter did combust.

"Your such a traitor Lupin!" he cried randomly, pointing an accusing finger at Remus who looked completely and utterly flabbergasted, "You know how much I love Lily! You're supposed to follow the plan! Sirius trips her up and then I catch her. NOT YOU!"

James then stomped one foot on the ground like a child and ran out of the Great Hall yelling odd things over his shoulder like…"The rainbow fairies will eat you Lupin." And "Watch out for the giant marshmallows, they're coming to get yooou."

Remus looked shocked and terribly frightened.

I shook my head in disbelief. Strange boy.

"Y'know if you had just agreed to go on a date with him, you wouldn't have wrecked your shoes." Remus said, a hint of laughter in his voice.

"Oh Remus…Remus, Remus, Remus." I said shaking my head slowly. "You know that I can think of nothing worse then being one of Potters weekly arm candy. Arrogant, good for nothing, toad-like scum." I muttered the last part under my breath as Remus chuckled.

"Ah Lils, he's in luurve with you! JAMES POTTER LURVES LILY EVANS" Remus yelled across the Great Hall. Everyone immediately silenced (all fully aware of my short temper when it came to discussing Potter) except Dumbledore, who giggled slightly (yes…giggled, like a 6-year old school girl with pig tails tied with red ribbons).

I grinned evilly at Remus, and flicked a pea in his face. He was the second of only two people on the planet who could get away with screaming absurdities such as that and not have me attempting to gorge their eyeballs out.

"Remmy? Please help me prank Potter." I whined quietly.

He grinned evilly back, just as I had done and shook his head. I pulled a 'puppy-dog' face at him but he just laughed and turned to Sirius and Peter who ducked their heads together…prank planning.

Well Remus ol' boy, I can plan a prank all by my lonesome…muwhaha...ha.

I looked around the Great Hall to see Marissa Jamieson (my second arch nemesis…first being Potter and Black conjoined) was sitting at the Hufflepuff table punching her right fist slowly into her left hand and shook her head in my direction as if to say, "Evans you piece of crap, your going down!"

After her little display of misplaced affection, I was suddenly very aware of the jealous female eyes staring back at me. Ah crap. I was head girl and half the school's population hated me for reasons I wouldn't even dare contemplate. Eh, whatever, I'm sure I'll get over it.

I softly banged my forehead on the table in front of me, only to immediately regret it as the top half of my head my head was now covered in mashed potato and baked beans. What a fantabolus start to the new academic year.

"Oi Evans, why is there mashed potato and baked beans on your head?" Black asked stupidly before literally throwing food into his gullet.

"Because it's the new raging high street fashion." I replied sarcastically.

"Really?!" Black said gasping at this newfound information, "well in that case I better not stay behind on the trend."

And then he went and tipped the Shepard's pie onto unsuspecting Pettigrew who shrieked as some mince slid down his neck and into his shirt.

Black started laughing hysterically before picking up a plate of chocolate cake and squashing it into Remus' face. Remus looked thoughtful for a moment, his thumb and forefinger softly stroking his chin, before grabbing a couple of ice cubes and dropping them down Black's shirt. Black then started screaming and started hopping up and down until he could no longer face the embarrassment and ran out the Great Hall yelling "FOOD FIGHT!"

For a moment, there was absolute silence, like the calm before a storm until some pathetic first year threw pie into some poor 5th years chest. The look on both their faces could only say one thing. This meant war.

Suddenly people started screaming and laughing and throwing and ducking and hiding.

Being the intelligent 7th year I am, I put up a defensive charm around myself and carried on eating.

---

After the professors had yelled and served out detention to most people in the Hall, I was ordered to find my common room (reserved for the Head's only…this meant not having to wake at 4 in the morning in order to use the hot water or having Ellie McToofy borrowing my clothes and forgetting to return them).

I could have jumped and whooped with joy. But then suddenly a realisation hit me. Well actually two realisation's, number 1: I had no idea where the common room was, and 2: I had to share with Potter.

I ended up wandering the corridors all-alone for about half an hour until I was bright enough to ask a portrait if they knew where I was supposed to be heading.

"Ah! Yes, the Head's common room. In the year 1753 I was the school head's common room portrait. Fine, upstanding people they both became. Hated each others intestines mind. Agnes Hubert and Wallace Montgomery. Both had impeccable manners, but Wallace had the most awful breath, once I heard Agnes talking about him, saying he brought a young lady into the common room late one night! Imagine the outcry that created! He was expelled from school for ruining a young girl's innocence. It just wasn't done in those times! Imagine the shame it brought for me!" the portrait of the elderly gentleman with an amazingly large grey afro burst into hysterical tears at this point, "I was never allowed to be a common room portrait again. Unreliable, they called me. i Unre-bloody-liable /i "

Out of reflex, I patted the paintings shoulder (or attempted to, he is a painting after all) as it carried on snuffling and explaining its dull existence since then.

"Well," I said, cutting him off when he was in the middle of talking about the year they allowed toads to be accepted into Hogwarts, and in his opinion, how it should be fashionable to wear lurid pink poofy sleeves. "If you show me where the common room is, I could persuade Dumbledore to have you moved to be a password portrait once more."

The painting looked at me in shock, his mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water.

"Why, miss. Evans you really are an angel sent from heaven." And with that the old portrait started running in the direction she had come until we finally came to a portrait of James and myself. We were standing far apart, my nose stuck in the air and my arms crossed.

"Well miss. Evans it has been a pleasure. I do hope I will see you again in the future. Good day to you."

I looked at my portrait and it looked at me.

"Um, hello? Can I come in?" I asked it. It was strange to be talking to a painting of myself.

"Password?" I (me as in the painting) said.

"Err…"

"Red-head goddess." The painting James whispered, receiving a slap from painting me. I smiled triumphantly as I watched painting James cower in fear.

--

Once inside I jumped onto the plush sofa, squealing in glee.

"Oof." Something said. I looked below me and saw I had jumped onto James.

"Geez Evans I knew you wanted me, just don't be too keen." He said rubbing his hip.

I stuck out my tongue as I thought of a witty comeback, but only completely inappropriate corny chat up lines sprung to mind (did it hurt when you fell from heaven? You must be tired; you've been running through my mind all night. Your parents must be thieves, since they stole the stars and put them in your eyes. Make you want to gag much? Yes.)

Sighing in defeat, I walked to the door which had 'Lily Evans' inscribed into a nameplate and flung my self onto my new bed.

Even if I couldn't think of any way to get back at Potter, I knew someone who did. Oh he shall feel the wrath of the Evil Redhead and she shall strike mighty.