Hey, I'm alive (barely). This is a new fic that I've been bouncing around my head for awhile. It was largely inspired by that PyroHarry collection and So Sue Me by Lunakatrina. It's my take on a baddass lil' Harry with a humorous edge.

This story is also inspired by love for hiphop and street culture. I know a lot of people on this site hate that (read: stfu) but I don't care. This story is funny and it makes fun of many aspects of the hood life, but it's not out to bash it, so those expecting to see that will be disappointed. There will also probably be a lot of inside jokes. Maybe. Okay enough, here's the obligatory shit.

Disclaimer: Yo, I don't own this shit, and if you sue me, you won't get much. I mean seriously, they just turned off the heat in my house. I'm freezing my ass while I write this (I'm not even joking, got like 3 comforter on).

And now, on with the show.

Harry from Da Hood

Prologue: C.R.E.A.M.

If you asked an occupant of Privet Drive what they had seen on the night of June 31 1983, they most likely would tell they saw nothing out of the ordinary. While that might be true for some, others would tell you that simply because to say otherwise would be an extreme faux pause. What they really saw was a huge, half-human, half-giant riding a flying motorcycle landing near Number 4 Privet drive. This very discreet maneuver, engineered the great Albus Dumbledore, was the first part of his master plan to protect the Prophesized Child. The second part of the plan to protect Harry Potter, the Boy-Who-Lived, from vengeful followers of the Dark Lord would be laid here.

"Albus, are you sure this is such a good idea?" questioned Minerva McDonagald, Deputy Headmistress and Transfiguration Master. "I've seen these muggles, there the worst of sorts. For heaven's sake, they're more likely to stow him away in a cupboard than look after the boy".

"Minerva please,' Dumbledore replied, "I know it might seem so now, but I have faith that the Dursely's will warm up to the boy, After all, he is Lily's son and Petunia's nephew".

"Albus, I have always trusted you and I have faith in your abilities. But this time I believe you are wrong. These people will not-can not take good care of him".

"He needs the blood protection his relatives will provide. Anything else is carries too great a risk" Dumbledore reasoned, "He must stay with his blood relatives that is the end of it" he finished, his tone resolute and final. "Ah here is Hagrid now".

And so preceded events that would soon become history. Harry Potter was left at his relative's house to be raised belittled and neglected. He would continue on to Hogwarts, be sorted in to Gryffindor, clash with Dark Lord yada yada yada.

Except this time, it didn't go down like dat.

When Vernon Dursely opened the door to get the morning paper, he was assaulted with a most horrible sight. "Petunia!" Vernon screeched-I mean yelled in a manly voice. "Somebody left trash on our door again!"

"Those despicable low-lives! I mean honestly, don't their parents know how to raise them properly? Our Duddykins will never be like that!" Petunia proclaimed.

Cue coughing fit.

"Did you hear that? Never mind, there's a note with it. Probably want us to take it to the dump for free. Bloody squatters, why don't they get a job!" Vernon growled. Then, like a man is supposed to, he dutifully rolled up his sleeves and said "Well Petunia, since you're the woman I think this is your job. I'll leave you to it then" and began to walk away.

"Oh no you don't Vernon!" Petunia cried, "This is a man's job. I have to water my rosebushes".

"Woman! When I tell you to do something you do it! Without any back talk!"

"Don't talk to me like that! Now you'll take care of it Vernon, especially if you want me to suck your little-"

"Okay! Okay! I'll put the bloody garbage in the bin!" Vernon cut her hastily. Damn her to threaten him with that. A man has needs you know.

Vernon continued to grumble as he bent down to pick up the trash, only to screech once again (wow, what a pussy) as the package moved in his hands. The bundle cried out as he dropped it on the floor, stumbling backwards into the door.

"Petunia it moved! Kill it! Kill it!" Vernon screamed as he hid behind his wife. Petunia just rolled her eyes and walked towards the crying bundle.

"For Christ's sake Vernon, it's obviously just a child" Petunia said, exasperation evident in her voice. Sometimes she wondered what ever caused her to marry such a punk ass bitch. For all his bluster, Vernon was really a coward. If it must have been his salary, because it sure wasn't his-

"Oh. Er, urrmph" Vernon coughed, "right, well, what does the note say?" Vernon asked in an effort to move past his earlier girlish actions.

Petunia reached down to pick up the note, ignoring the waling baby on her doorstep. "Vernon, pick up the child, it wouldn't do for our neighbors to get curious".

"Oh right. Of course" Vernon babbled. He grabbed the baby by its feet, carried it inside and threw it on the couch. Petunia closed the door behind them and them with a yell.

"Damnit Vernon, you're going to give it Flying Baby Syndrome or some such nonsense"

"Do you really care?" Vernon asked his wife.

"No. Now come here and read this" Petunia said. Vernon dutifully complied, walking over and taking the letter from his wife's hands.

"It's you from those freaks!" he exclaimed, "your freak sister and her husband gone and got themselves blown up! And they want us to take care of their demon spawn!" Vernon spat. "No way!" Vernon put his foot down. "I will not allow such abnormal-ness in my house"

"Quiet down Vernon, the neighbors might hear!" Petunia ordered fiercely, "besides, of course we're not going to take the brat" Petunia yelled to the now identified child still waling on the couch".

"But the freaks said he had to be in the presence of family" whined Vernon, "and you don't have any family left".

"Yes, and good riddance, but you still have family, and technically, the brat's your family too".

At that, Vernon once again became blustery "Now see here, my family is perfectly normal, and I'll not have that-that-freak be put in the same lot as us decent folk!"

"Oh stuff it Vernon, you're missing the point. Surely you have some relatives that could take the boy. After all, it still counts as family, and those freaks can't say anything about that if we're asked. We followed their wishes, after all".

"Oh, I never thought of that" replied Vernon dumbly, "but who would want to take a freak like him?" Vernon questioned. "Surely not Marge, she has enough on her plate, the poor thing". At that Petunia rolled eyes but agreed that she would be unsatisfactory. She'd likely feed the boy to ripper.

"Don't you have any distant family?" queried Petunia.

"Well, there's my cousin Linda in London, but she has three lads of her own so she's likely not to want to take him" Vernon said.

"No Vernon you idiot, I mean distant family, like, really distant"

"Oh, er, well, I might be able to get in touch with my father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate's sister in law" Vernon said, while scratching his head. "twice removed".

"Well, that's practically family right?" Petunia said with a skeptically hopeful voice.

"Of course" Vernon agreed.

"Right" Petunia concurred.

"Absolutely": Vernon confirmed.

"Ughk" Baby Dudley choked on a Twinky.

"She lives in the States, that should be far enough" said Vernon

"Well get on it right away, the sooner we get rid of it, the better".

Andrea Johnson knew one thing. At twenty-four, having four kids was some dumb shit. "Ay you little bastard!" she yelled, "Get da fuck off the sofa 'fore I knock ya fuckin' teef in!" she yelled at her three year old son. Yea, she loved her kids dearly. She demonstrated her love by beaning the little shit with the aspirin bottle she had been trying to open. "Goddamnit, I need a fuckin' vacation or somethin'" she sighed. Just then the phone rang. "Somebody pick it up!" she yelled. None of the deadbeats who happened to live with her bothered to comply, so with a growl she snatched the receiver off the wall.

"Hello" she growled, swearing to God that if it was a telemarketer she was grabbing her .22 and spraying the whole damn office. Again.

"Um, er, hi. Is, um, Andrea Johnson there" a hesitant male voice spoke on the other line.

"Yea mothafucka she's speakin' now what you want?" she questioned, her voice laced with hostility.

"Yes, um, my name is Vernon Dursely, I'm your brother in law's former roommate's cousin's uncle's-"

"Just tell what fuck you want!" Andrea yelled, cutting Vernon off.

"Um, well, you see-"

Andrea growled.

"Iwashopingsincewe'refamilythatyouwouldtakecareofachildforus"

"…the fuck you just say?"

"Erhum", Vernon coughed then repeated himself, this time slower. " I was hoping since we are family that you would take care of a child for us." Vernon asked, "I know it's asking quite a lot of you, but we really don't have the resources to support another child and we would really hate to have to send him to an orphanage so-

"Listen jackass, I already got four bad-ass lil' kids to feed, what makes you think I want anoth-" she started.

"We'll give you five-thousand dollars."

"- what's his name and when you gonna send him?" Andrea finished.

"His names Harry Potter and we'll be sending him to as soon as possible. Don't worry we'll make the flight arrangements and send you all the paper work. Bye" Vernon hung up abruptly.

"Damn" Andrea said softly to herself. She looked around her apartment. The place was falling apart. The tile was cracked and the ceiling was leaking. In the living room, the sofa was torn and moldy. There were dishes in the sink that were unwashed, and right next to the faucet was open electrical wires. All in all it was exactly what you'd expect for of low-, more like no-income housing in Newark, New Jersey.

"Why the hell did I agree to this shit?" she asked herself, pinching the bridge of her nose as the youngest of her kids woke up and began to cry. "Like I need another lil' brat around here, a brat that aint even mine". She shook her head, "but five G's? Aint had that kinda money in awhile. I can use that to get on my feet and get outa this dump". Then, suddenly, another thought struck her.

"What the fuck kinda name is Harry Potter?"

Wow, I just banged that out in like three hours. Yea, I know it's actually not that much, but for a kid with ADD, it's amazing. Hope ya'll like, it should get funnier when Harry gets g'd up. That won't be for awhile tho, I gotta work on my Naruto fics, especially Tension (before I get lynched). Check those out too.

Aight, leave a review or something ya bastards.

-Lord Z