Once again someone stole the disclaimer that I don't own any Archer characters. I think it was Mallory. Or Cheryl. I smell smoke so I think it might have been Cheryl. Yeah it's probably Cheryl.
Anyway just some more madness that is inspired by the news and way too much caffeine. It takes place not long after the events of Date Night with Ron and Mallory and Wrong Kind of Sleepover
Thanks A Lot Henry Hindsight
"And that is why we are banned from the New York Public Library for life," Mallory Archer finished with the first item on her list.
She looked disdainfully at her employees gathered in her office. In particular her son who was casually having a drink while leaning back against the wall. "Once again, thank you so much Sterling for screwing up as well as screwing around on the job!"
"What?" Archer asked. "I wasn't even there this time!"
"But you were there several other times!" Mallory shouted. "Over the years Sterling you've gained quite the reputation!"
FLASHBACK!
A young seven year old Archer was chewing gum and sticking it on the shelves of the library. "HA!" He laughed.
"Master Archer! Master Archer!" Woodhouse was heard calling.
"Can't catch me old man!" Young Archer laughed as he ran among the shelves, knocking down books all over the place.
FLASHBACK!
"WHOOOO! I'm riding a lion!" Seven year old Archer whooped as he sat on the back of one of the lion statutes in front of the library.
"Sterling Mallory Archer get down from there!" A much younger Mallory shouted at him. "You're seven years old! You're too old for this sort of shenanigans!"
FLASHBACK!
Nine year old Archer was chewing more gum and sticking it between the pages of some very big books. "HA! That'll stick it to 'em! Damn it! I had something better for this!"
FLASHBACK!
A teenage Archer danced around in his underwear on a table drinking with a few teenage girls. "SPRING BREAK!"
FLASHBACK!
Teenage Archer was passed out on a library table. Books and beer cans all around him.
FLASHBACK!
"WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Teenage Archer whooped as he wore only his boxers as he sat on the stone lion.
"STERLING MALLORY ARCHER!" Mallory shouted. "You are seventeen years old! You're too old for this sort of shenanigans!"
FLASHBACK!
"What?" A college age Archer snapped at an angry librarian as he was caught with his pants down with a college co-ed in an aisle. "We're being quiet!"
FLASHBACK!
College age Archer was passed out again on a library table, with a few passed out drunk attractive librarians with him. He was wearing only his underwear.
FLASHBACK!
Adult Archer was chewing some gum and stuck it in between some pages. "Ha ha! Stuck on the classics! Damn it. I could still do better than this."
FLASHBACK!
A very hung over Archer, wearing only a towel around his waist looked around where he lay on the floor. There were empty alcohol bottles, some passed out scantily clad prostitutes, a few bras and a lemur running around one of the reading rooms. And a very angry older librarian and some security guards were standing over him.
"So I'm guessing this isn't the Ritz?" Archer winced.
FLASHBACK!
Archer's car was parked on the steps of the New York Public Library.
FLASHBACK!
"WHOOO! I'M RIDING A LION!" Archer whooped while waving a bottle in one hand as he sat on that very same lion statue he sat on years ago.
"Sterling Mallory Archer come down from there!" Mallory shouted. "You're twenty seven years old! You're too old for…Oh who the hell cares?" She stormed away. "I need a drink!"
FLASHBACK!
Archer finished reading a book in a chair. "Wow. That's a really good book. Can't believe the library just gives these away. Oh well. I'm done with it now."
He casually threw the book on a fireplace. Where a small pile of books were already there. "Woodhouse! I need a fire going! And don't bother using those stupid little matches!"
"Yes sir," Woodhouse walked over carrying a flame-thrower. And he lit the books.
FLASHFORWARD!
"I didn't burn all the books I borrowed," Archer corrected. "Just the ones I was never going to read again. I kept the rest!"
"And it never occurred to you that maybe some other people would like to read those books?" Lana asked.
"Who would want to read a book someone already read before?" Archer asked. "Wait a minute…Why would I read a book someone already read before?"
"You must be so proud of all his scholastic achievements," Ray remarked to Mallory. "So proud."
"Honestly I'm amazed he can read at all…" Mallory sighed as she took a drink.
"I'm amazed it took this long for him to be banned from the library," Cyril asked.
"Not really if you saw the total amount of checks I paid over the years," Mallory sighed. "Looking back on it now, it was a huge waste of money to only get Sterling out of my hair for a few hours."
"Would have been cheaper to just let him stay banned the first time," Cyril said.
"I know that now Henry Hindsight!" Mallory snapped at him.
"Once again Archer you ruin things for everyone," Lana rolled her eyes.
"Me? I'm not the one who broke the proverbial camel's back with the last proverbial straw!" Archer pointed at Cyril, Cheryl and Krieger. "This is about what these idiots did two nights ago!"
FLASHBACK!
"Hello…" Cyril waved nervously as he was caught in a very delicate situation with his pants down and Cheryl's legs wrapped around him on one of the tables in the library. Two security guards glared at him.
"Hey could you keep it down?" Krieger popped up from behind some of the shelves. He was only wearing his underwear. "Some of us are trying to masturbate here!"
FLASHFORWARD!
"Is that where you guys went that night we got kicked out of the bar?" Pam asked. "And ran away from the cops when Ms. Archer started beating up Archer for losing those classified documents?"
"Yes," Cyril admitted sheepishly.
"How could you end up having sex in the New York Public Library?" Lana barked.
"Cheryl let me," Cyril admitted.
"And I was bored," Cheryl admitted.
"Me too!" Krieger said cheerfully.
"And of course you got arrested which led to the charges being dropped on the condition that you never go back there ever again!" Lana folded her arms. "In fact we all got banned from one of the greatest libraries in the world!"
"Yes that's basically what I said not even five minutes ago," Mallory groaned. "When I explained that everyone in this agency is banned for life from the library? Because of this latest sex-capade…Not to mention that bitch Joan Vagner has a brother on the board of directors."
"Now is she the one you pulled the gun on?" Pam asked.
"I didn't pull the gun on her," Mallory corrected. "I pulled it on the waiter when he refused to give me more wine."
"Which got you kicked out of that restaurant…" Lana said. "Which of course you and Ron are banned from for life…Only to get into another fight and get you kicked out of the bar. And arrested for assault and disturbing the peace. Which Ron had to help you and Archer get out of trouble. And eventually help the rest of you get out of trouble when you were dragged into the police station not even an hour after Archer and Mallory were!"
"Thank you for the recap Judy Judgmental!" Mallory snapped.
"Banned from three places in one night! That has to be some kind of record," Lana groaned.
"Actually for us the record is four and a half," Krieger spoke up. "The half is that part of the bar burned down when…Okay shutting up now."
"How could you all be so reckless?" Lana asked.
"Hey! Not all of us were there!" Pam pointed out. "Me and Ray were at your apartment! Helping you with your daughter!"
"Good for you Suzy Suck Up!" Cyril grumbled.
"Okay only most of you were reckless," Lana rolled her eyes.
"Oh really Lana?" Mallory snapped. "Have you conveniently forgotten the Library Fundraiser Gala a few years ago?"
"We wouldn't have been there in the first place if you hadn't called in that bomb threat!" Lana snapped.
"First of all, I didn't use a bomb threat that time!" Mallory snapped. "I merely suggested our agency to be security that night. Because of the crime wave."
"What crime wave?" Lana asked.
"The crime wave that's been going on since forever!" Mallory waved.
"You mean the one you made up," Cyril sighed.
"Not made up! Just…exaggerated a little," Mallory shrugged. "I was trying to establish our agency's reputation among the major movers and shakers in society."
"Well technically that did happen…" Cyril sighed.
FLASHBACK!
It was the night of the New York Library Gala. Hundreds of the wealthiest and most influential people were in their best outfits for a night of drinks and conversation. To raise money to fund the library and to prove that they were truly the elite and patrons of the arts.
And for Mallory Archer it was for her to prove the effectiveness of her agency as well as raise her standing in high society. And possibly find an eligible man or two to bed and dazzle.
Unfortunately as all Mallory's plans go…
"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WERE HAVING SEX WITH CYRIL IN THE CLOSET!" Archer was heard screaming down the massive halls of the library.
They went completely down the toilet.
"WHY NOT? YOU CHEATED ON ME FOR YEARS IN THIS VERY SAME LIBRARY!" Lana was heard yelled. "PROBABLY IN THIS VERY SAME CLOSET!"
"FOR YOUR INFORMATION LANA, I ONLY HAD SEX IN THAT CLOSET WHEN I WASN'T DATING YOU!" Archer shouted back.
"OH THERE'S SOME BOUNDARIES!" Lana shouted. "WELL I'M HAVING SEX WITH CYRIL…MY NEW BOYFRIEND WHO ISN'T AND NEVER WILL BE A CHEATING ASSHOLE…"
"YOU DON'T KNOW THAT FOR SURE!" Archer shouted.
"Hello…" Cyril was heard saying nervously. "I'm standing right here…"
"FINE! YOU GO HAVE SEX WITH THAT LOSER CYRIL!" Archer shouted.
"I WILL!" Lana yelled.
"AND I WILL GO HAVE SEX WITH CAROL SOMEWHERE ELSE IN THIS BUILDING!" Archer shouted.
"WOULDN'T BE THE FIRST TIME!" Lana shouted.
"Wait do you mean it wouldn't be the first time I had sex with Carol? Or the first time I had sex with Carol in this building?" Archer was confused. "Because obviously I have had sex with Carol before…"
"I KNOW ARCHER! I'M THE ONE WHO CAUGHT YOU BALLS DEEP INSIDE HER IN THE CLOSET AT WORK!" Lana yelled.
"Oh. Well then you were wrong when you said we've had sex here in this very location," Archer said. "BUT I AM GOING TO RECTIFY THAT NOW!"
"GO AHEAD!" Lana shouted. "ENJOY YOURSELF!"
"I WILL!" Archer shouted back.
"FINE!" Lana shouted.
"FINE!" Archer shouted back. "I HOPE CYRIL IS ABLE TO SATISFY YOU AND THAT OVERSIZED VAGINA OF YOURS!"
Lana made a very loud noise of horror. "MY VAGINA IS NOT OVERSIZED YOU…ASSHOLE!"
"PLEASE! IT'S LIKE MAKING LOVE TO THE GRAND CANYON!" Archer shouted.
"WELL IT'S NOT MY FAULT THAT YOU'RE NOT MAN ENOUGH TO SATISFY ME!" Lana shouted.
"AND YOU THINK CYRIL IS?" Archer laughed. "YOU SERIOUSLY THINK…HOLY…!"
"WILL YOU SHUT THE HELL UP?" Pam was heard shouting over Archer. "I'M TRYING TO GET IT ON OVER HERE WITH THIS GUY I PICKED UP! AND WHOA-OH OH! CYRIL! WOW! THAT'S SOME PENIS!"
"Thank you Pam…" Cyril was heard gulping. "And Lana I don't think your vagina is oversized."
"OF COURSE YOU WOULDN'T! LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT THING!" Pam whooped.
"I know right?" Lana was heard saying. "And it's usually bigger than that!"
"WELL IT'S COLD IN HERE!" Cyril was shouting. "YOU HAVE TO ACCOUNT FOR SOME SHRINKAGE!"
"Still bigger than Archer's," Lana said.
"IT IS NOT!" Archer shouted.
"Wow the acoustics in here are really great," Krieger said cheerfully as he stood next to Mallory. "You can hear everything!"
"I am aware of that Krieger," Mallory growled through gritted teeth.
"THAT'S SHRINKAGE?" Cheryl was heard. "WOW!"
"CAROL! COME ON! WE'RE GOING OFF TO HAVE SEX!" Archer was heard shouting.
"Very aware," Mallory growled.
"After we're done can I have sex with Cyril later?" Cheryl was heard shouting.
"Yeah we can have an orgy!" Pam was heard.
"PAM!" Lana and Archer shouted.
"WHAT?" Pam shouted back.
"Ooh! I want to watch this!" Krieger said cheerfully as he went off.
Mallory nervously looked at the group of very upset, very well dressed people glaring daggers at her. "I don't suppose you'll take a check?"
FLASHFORWARD!
"That turned out to be a huge waste of money," Mallory grumbled. "And worst of all we didn't get paid!"
"Actually the worst part was someone actually did steal a rare book from the library that night," Lana sighed. "That might account for why we were never paid…"
"Irony is such a bitch isn't it?" Ray asked Mallory.
"So are you! Let's just move on to the next item and never speak of this again," Mallory growled.
"There's quite a growing list of things we can never speak of again," Cyril moaned.
"Item Two…" Mallory sighed, pressing on. "We need to work on our information gathering. As you are all aware our list of contacts has dwindled over the years."
"Like country fried dodo has dwindled off the menus at restaurants," Ray remarked.
"Or bear claws when Pam gets hungry," Cheryl said cheerfully.
"Or glue when Cheryl needs a fix!" Pam snapped.
Mallory went on. "And our intelligence office is well…"
"Non-existent," Ray quipped.
"Completely gone," Cyril added.
"Mostly dead," Cheryl spoke up.
"My point is," Mallory snapped. "This is an intelligence agency! And we desperately need some!"
"Fill in your own jokes folks!" Archer laughed. "This one is way too easy for me!"
"You're just easy period," Pam snorted.
"Good one," Archer complimented Pam.
"Thank you!" Pam grinned.
"If the Mutual Admiration Society for Idiots will allow me to continue…?" Mallory growled. "You do realize that there is no new information coming into our agency? Information that could be useful on missions! Or getting missions in the first place? We need to stay up to date on what's going on around us!"
"Already ahead of you Ms. A!" Pam said cheerfully. She then whistled. "Milton! Come on in boy!"
Just then Milton rolled into the room. On top of it was a laptop computer. "Here we go! Today Milton is serving up freshly baked information!" Pam said cheerfully.
"This plan sounds baked period," Cyril groaned.
"What is that stupid thing doing now?" Mallory snapped. "I ask fearing the answer will destroy what little sanity I have left."
"Milton is my personal assistant for the day," Pam got up from her chair and went to the machine. "And he's carrying the portable computer so I can look up information and intelligence online."
"Good because apparently we don't have any intelligence here," Lana groaned.
"You're the one who said it," Archer gave her a look.
"You know…?" Lana glared at him.
"So I'm gonna look up what's on the news and see what information we can find!" Pam said as she worked on the computer.
"No, you idiot!" Mallory shouted. "I'm talking about information that's not already broadcast on the news! You…Oh why am I bothering?"
"Honestly I don't know," Archer quipped.
"Ooh! Here's something interesting! Apparently there's this new breed of lice that's extremely resistant to regular lice treatments and poisons," Pam said. "A breed of super lice."
"How is that interesting in any way?" Mallory snapped.
"Yeah this is New York," Archer agreed. "Where the cockroaches are capable of mugging people! So just some stupid little lice isn't gonna…"
"Well it is some kind of poison resistant lice which means it must be mutated in some way," Pam began.
Then everyone looked at each other. Then they looked at Krieger.
"Why does everyone look at me like that when news like this happens?" Krieger snapped.
"Why do you think?" Ray snapped back.
"Fair enough," Krieger shrugged.
"Krieger for the love of God if you had anything to do with this…" Mallory growled.
"No! It wasn't me! GOD!" Krieger protested. "You accidentally irradiate a whole colony of ants just once and nobody lets you forget it!"
"So this wasn't you?" Lana asked.
"No!" Krieger protested. "Why would I experiment on lice of all creatures?"
"Why do you experiment on anyone?" Mallory glared. She then gave a look at Ray. "Or anything…?"
"You know…?" Ray's voice went up an octave.
"Look I admit in the past I've done some research using insects like ants, moths, butterflies, ladybugs, cockroaches…" Krieger listed. "And some spiders which are technically arachnids. But never lice! So you can't blame me for that!"
"Fine but…Wait a minute," Archer did a double take. "Spiders? Radioactive spiders?"
"Uh technically irradiated not radioactive but yeah," Krieger shrugged.
"Are you telling me you made mutant radioactive spiders and knowing you, they got out and soon we're gonna see tons of spider men and women webbing around the city?" Archer shouted.
"Oh for crying out loud! This isn't a comic book!" Krieger scoffed. "You're not going to see a Marvel storyline just pop up out of nowhere!"
"But you did lose these spiders didn't you?" Cyril asked with a sigh.
"Yes. But I lost them in Maine!" Krieger pointed out. "During that retreat we went to a few years ago and well…"
FLASHBACK!
A cabin in Maine. Standing among the peaceful woods with birds and butterflies flying around.
KAA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
Which immediately turned into a white hot ball of fire and splinters.
FLASHFORWARD!
"I'm pretty sure most of them were burned up in the explosion anyway," Krieger waved. "And if any did survive, they're way out in the woods! Where spiders are supposed to be! And I'm pretty sure we would have heard about some kind of irradiated people or animals by now!"
"He does have a point," Ray said. "That was a long time ago."
"Let's just move on," Mallory waved. "If I wanted to learn about pest control I'd just…Well spend more time with you lot."
Just then Archer's phone rang. "Huh maybe I should answer it?" Archer thought aloud. He went to do so.
"Don't you usually let it go to voice mail to annoy people?" Ray asked.
"Yeah but my last prank is getting a little stale so…" Archer shrugged before he answered his phone. "Archer here. Talk to me."
"Oh by all means we'll just stop our meeting and wait for you!" Mallory growled as she took another drink.
"Whoa! Whoa! Slow down! Slow down!" Archer barked. "What? What are you? Who is this? Hey you don't even know me! Why would you want to bash my face in with a crowbar?"
"Maybe he does know you?" Cyril quipped.
"Look pal I don't know who you are or what you're talking about," Archer said. "But judging from your tone I probably had sex with your girlfriend or wife or whatever. It's not like I remember her name! Who was it again?"
"Amazing job with your parenting," Ray said dryly to Mallory. "Absolutely phenomenal."
"That was weird," Archer hung up his phone.
"What would be weird Sterling is if you paid attention for once in your life!" Mallory shouted.
"Yeah we've got lots of work to do," Pam said as she went back to her computer. "Oh it says here a family found six bears in their pool."
"Oh what a shame Pam," Mallory quipped. "You missed your family reunion."
"Trust me. I didn't miss anything. My bitch sister Edie…Oh wait…" Pam glared at Mallory.
"Just walked right into that one didn't you?" Ray asked Pam.
Just then Archer's phone rang again. "Hold on," Archer held up his finger as he reached for his phone again.
"Unbelievable," Lana groaned.
"I know. Don't people have better things to do than to call me during work?" Archer asked. He answered the phone. "Hello. Archer here. No, this isn't a recording."
"You can see why they'd be confused right?" Ray remarked.
"Okay what?" Archer frowned. "Wait who is this again? Oh Laura. Laura from where? The agency Laura? Stewardess Laura? Bartender Laura who is working her way through college? Detective Laura? Laura from….Well I know a lot of Lauras! It's easy to get confused! It's a popular name!"
"I almost named my daughter Laura," Lana admitted.
"And you went with Abbiejean. Yeah kudos for originality…" Mallory groaned.
"You know…?" Lana glared at Mallory.
"Slow down! I don't know why you're so upset," Archer asked. "Well yeah so your husband found out about us. Again I don't know why…Hello?"
Archer put down the phone. "Crazy bitch hung up on me. And I still don't know which Laura I was talking too. Although the attitude she was giving me does narrow it down a bit. Definitely not Laura from the agency. Or the stewardess."
"Let's please move on…"Mallory looked at her list. "Damn it. I only had two things on my list."
"Good I can look up more news stuff!" Pam said cheerfully. "Hey look at this! They're working on a new prototype for a new hover car! Looks more like a hover bike actually…"
"Don't remind me about hover cars!" Mallory snapped. "I'm still furious about the hover car incident from four years ago!"
"Well you can't blame me for that incident!" Krieger snapped. "I may have made the hover car but I didn't give Archer the keys to it! Or bring a hooker down to see it!"
"Laura wasn't a hooker!" Archer barked. "That one was the bartender working her way through school! And she knew how to have a good time!"
FLASHBACK!
"OWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" A drunk blond woman in a tight red dress and huge breasts whooped as she drove the silver hover car that looked like a Delorean. "I'm going back to the future baby!"
"You're going to the back seat if you don't let me drive!" Archer snapped as he sat in the passenger's seat holding a bottle of alcohol. "Laura you're weaving all over the road!"
"What? It's not like we're actually on the road!" Laura snapped at him.
SCREEEEEEEE! CRASH!
"Wow…We just sideswiped a car's roof off!" Archer whistled. "That's gotta be a first!"
"YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!" Laura whooped.
"Hey watch it! You're going straight into Central Park!" Archer warned. "WATCH OUT FOR THAT…."
FOOOOOOOOM!
CRASH!
"Tree…" Archer moaned. "Ugh…Good thing Krieger put in airbags in this thing. And we only crashed a few feet off the ground."
He somehow managed to get out of the car. Laura however was still. "East bound and dowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwn!" She warbled before passing out.
"Wow this car is like hovering like two feet off the ground," Archer blinked. "Gotta be another first."
That's when Archer heard the police sirens going off.
"Uh oh…" Archer gulped. "Good thing I wasn't driving!" He ran off away from the crash.
FLASHFORWARD!
"So looking back on it now, I'm pretty sure that Laura wasn't the one who just called me either," Archer frowned.
"Do you have any idea how many favors and how much money I had to pay to cover up that fiasco and make it look like a simple drunk driving incident?" Mallory shouted.
"Oh right after the drunk driving cover up Laura lost both her job and her scholarship," Archer remembered. "Then she got depressed and actually did get killed in a drunk driving incident so it couldn't have been her. That narrows it down."
"Jesus Archer…" Ray swore.
"Oh come on! Don't judge me! That Laura had like three priors before that night so obviously she had a problem! And besides I paid for the funeral!" Archer barked.
"I paid for the funeral!" Mallory corrected. "Which was surprisingly cheap. Then again she was already pre-cremated in the first place."
Archer's phone rang again. "I really need to make up a new phone prank because this is starting to become annoying," Archer grumbled as he answered his phone.
"It's amazing what he does consider annoying," Lana rolled her eyes.
"Okay who is this now?" Archer asked. "Well I've ruined a lot of lives! You're just going to have to narrow it down!"
"Scary isn't it?" Ray looked at Cyril.
"Yes it is," Cyril admitted.
"Yeah that still doesn't narrow it down buddy," Archer spoke into the phone. "Which Tiffany did I sleep with? Tiffany the bored wife from Park Avenue? Tiffany the bored wife from Beverly Hills? Tiffany the showgirl from Vegas? Tiffany the hat check girl at 21? Or one of many Tiffany college co-eds! Come on, pal! Give me a clue here!"
"I wish he would get a clue one of these days," Lana remarked.
"Join the club," Mallory groaned.
"I don't have a thing for women named Tiffany. I just have sex with a lot of women," Archer said into the phone. "You'd be surprised how many have the same name. Do you know what the most common name I keep running into? It's Carol! Seriously, one in five women I sleep with is named Carol! Sometimes two out of five if I have a good weekend!"
"That explains why he has trouble remembering my name," Cheryl blinked.
"That and the fact you change your name as often as some women change their hairstyles," Mallory grumbled.
"Saying Tiffany your wife does not help!" Archer barked into the phone. "I just explained that two seconds ago! What? Do you have Tinnitus? Because if you do so do I and I have a great doctor for that…Oh! That Tiffany! Oh. Okay. I remember now. Yeah it's pretty hard to forget a woman with an aquarium fetish. You should have led with that."
"As much as I hate to agree with Archer, he really should have," Cyril admitted.
"Look pal, if your wife wants to have an affair in a public place that houses a lot of fish that's not on me!" Archer shouted. "Obviously you have problems which should…? What are you talking about? What website? Well fine! Go ahead! Good luck with that! Fine! I'll…Oh. His name is Dr. Shuman. New York General. Third floor. Tell your brother that Archer sent him. He'll get a discount. You're welcome!"
Archer closed his phone. "Is it just me or is everyone gone cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs today?"
"Look you you're talking to Sterling," Mallory quipped. "That's a normal day around here."
"I'm serious. Since this morning I've had like seven phone calls like that including those last three!" Archer told her. "And three of them have gone on about some website. What the hell is that all about?"
"Hey guys…I think I have a clue," Pam said as she looked at the computer.
"Stop the presses," Mallory said sarcastically.
"What presses?" Cheryl was confused.
"There was a huge data breach at the Madison Ashton website," Pam pointed to the computer screen. "There's like a ton of personal stuff all over the internet!"
"Isn't that that website that's known for encouraging people to cheat on their spouses?" Lana asked.
"Yeah and there's some really juicy…" Pam began to laugh but then stopped. "Uh oh..."
"Wait are you saying that people's names have been leaked from that website?" Cyril yelled, his voice indicating he was very worried.
"Not just names," Pam said. "Hookups, accounts, matches…"
"How many?" Mallory asked.
"Almost all of them," Pam gulped.
"Uh oh…" Archer, Cyril, Pam and Mallory said at the same time.
"Do I even want to know?" Lana sighed.
"No, no you do not," Cyril winced.
"That explains the phone calls," Archer realized.
"I don't know why I'm surprised," Lana glared at them.
"Okay I can't speak for Cyril here but I only set up that account for work!" Archer protested. "You know? Honeypot missions for female government officials or bored wives or something like that. I haven't used it since before we set up shop as the world's worst drug cartel."
"You haven't?" Lana asked.
"Yeah. Honestly I don't really need a website to get wives to cheat on their husbands," Archer shrugged. "Kind of like fishing from a barrel honestly. I mean I can understand it if you're in a perpetual drought like Cyril…"
"You know…?" Cyril glared at Archer.
"Moving on because I don't really care about what kind of perversions Cyril is into…" Lana sighed. "Or Pam to be honest. But you Mallory?"
"If was after Ron and I decided to have an open marriage," Mallory protested.
"Then how come according to this your account was opened two years before you even met Ron?" Pam snorted as she looked through the files.
"That's on there?" Mallory shouted.
"Everything is on there!" Pam snorted. "Wow looks like you had some fun while dating Burt Reynolds too."
"Damn it!" Mallory swore.
"I'm amazed you three aren't on it," Lana said to Cheryl, Ray and Krieger.
"Like I need a website to break up somebody's marriage for fun?" Cheryl snorted. "I mean come on Lana. Look at me! I am way too hot for that."
"I'm on a different website," Ray coughed.
"Me too!" Krieger said cheerfully. "Boy I hope my Mad Scientists In Love With Holograms account doesn't get hacked."
"Me too," Pam agreed. Everyone looked at her. "Oh what? I can't have a virtual fantasy?"
"Unfortunately our personal escapades…Including Pam's… aren't the worst part of this whole affair," Mallory winced. "Although admittedly in Pam's case the bar for disgust and perversion is set rather high. And Krieger's."
"Yeah that's a fair assessment," Krieger admitted.
"What do you mean?" Archer asked.
"Whoa there are a lot of people that work for the government on this site too!" Pam whistled as she read.
"There it is!" Lana threw up her hands.
"Yeah that could…" Mallory began when the ringing of a phone could be heard.
"That's not me," Archer said.
"Oh my God! Am I having another auditory hallucination?" Cheryl asked.
"It's not that you whore-diot!" Mallory snapped as she pulled out her phone from her purse. "It's on my personal phone!"
"Uh oh," Archer said.
"What do you mean by…?" Mallory began then did a double take at the number of who was calling. "Uh oh."
"If anything like the phone calls I've been getting…" Archer said.
"Oh this can't be good," Mallory winced as she answered it. "Hello? Hey…You. No, I haven't seen the news today. Or been at my computer. What happened? Is there another cute cat video going around? I just love those…I…Oh…How did she find out exactly?"
Just then Archer's phone rang. "Oh I really need to set up my voicemail again…" Archer groaned as he answered it. "Hello?"
"Now hold on," Mallory spoke into the phone. "Don't panic. Don't…Why are you mad at me? Oh. That."
"Okay so I slept with your wife! Big freaking deal!" Archer snapped into her phone. "Isn't on you that your marriage is so unfulfilling that she had to look outside her marriage for some kind of sexual satisfaction?"
"You can't blame me for this!" Mallory snapped into her phone. "Last I checked it takes two to tango! And you were dancing to a very different tune those few weeks we dated!"
"So you can't blame me for this!" Archer said. "If it wasn't me, it would have been someone else! Hell there probably were other people!"
"Yes I was sleeping with other men at the time but you can't seriously hold that against me!" Mallory snapped. "You're married yourself! So think about that for a moment!"
"That is such a double standard!" Archer barked. "Oh it has to be a man to seduce a woman! It can't be the other way around! Do you have any idea how sexist that is?"
"That is extremely sexist!" Mallory went on.
"So maybe instead of putting the blame on me, you should take a long hard look at your marriage and think about the reasons why your wife cheated on you!" Archer snapped. "Spoiler alert, from what I'm hearing! It's mostly your fault! Just saying!"
"It is your fault! You're the one who told me about the stupid website in the first place!" Mallory shouted. "Well I'm sorry you thought our relationship was exclusive…"
"It's not like our relationship was exclusive," Archer added.
"But you never gave me any indication that it was," Mallory added.
"You really should work on communicating with your spouse," Archer said. "Because obviously that's a contributing problem to her adultery!"
"That's on you! You never talk to me!" Mallory snapped. "You just expect things!"
"You can't just expect things are going to go a certain way if you don't communicate!" Archer went on. "Constant communication! That's the key to a good relationship!"
"Not that what we had could be called a relationship," Mallory sniffed.
"It was just a weekend in Miami," Archer grumbled. "Not like we were going to run off together!"
"You knew exactly what you were getting into when we went out," Mallory snapped. "It's not like you thought I was a virgin or something!"
"Trust me, she knew what she was getting into," Archer said.
"So you have no right to be angry at me!" Mallory snapped.
"Well too bad!" Archer snapped.
"We just have to agree to disagree!" Mallory said.
"I agree that you are an asshole," Archer said.
"Fine! Goodbye! Have a good life you asshole!" Mallory snapped.
"And FYI…" Archer began.
"There's a reason I slept around with other men while I was seeing you!" Mallory added.
"Honestly from what I remember, she wasn't that good in bed," Archer said. "So if anyone has any cause to complain it's me!"
"So good bye and good riddance…" Mallory began.
"AND GET LOST LOSER!" Both Archer and Mallory said at the same time before hanging up their phones.
"Some people are so rude," Archer scoffed.
"I know? Right?" Mallory asked.
Everyone else in the room was staring at them with open jaws. "Unbelievable…" Ray blinked.
"It's like the sequel to Freaky Friday you never thought you wanted," Pam said in a stunned voice. "But then you realize you do!"
"Do it again!" Krieger begged.
"Yeah do it again!" Cheryl cheered.
"Do what again?" Archer blinked.
"What are you talking about?" Mallory asked, clearly confused.
Just then Mallory's phone rang again. Then Archer's. "We should go…"Lana backed away. "I think it's safe to say today's meeting is over."
"Yeah I think I need to make some calls too…" Cyril agreed. "And delete a few online dating profiles I have."
"That might not be a bad idea Cyril," Mallory groaned.
She looked at the number on her phone. "Oh great. It's Mr. I'm a Big Bad General But I Cry Like a Little Girl In Bed Because My Daddy Never Loved Me! I so love those talks!"
"And I so hate these talks," Archer groaned.
The following day…
"If I ever find out who those damn hackers are…" Mallory grumbled as she poured herself a drink at her desk. "I will personally hunt them down and literally castrate them before shipping them off to a black site in Morocco!"
"I know right?" Archer grumbled. "Why can't people just respect other people's personal lives?"
"I think that's kind of the hackers' point," Lana said as the others walked into the office.
"Ah they should just leave a successful affair alone," Archer waved. "This sort of thing should only be between two people. Or four depending on if their spouses find out."
"Tell me about it," Cyril walked in with a black eye.
"Holy shiner snacks!" Pam whistled. "What happened?"
"Oh my God!" Archer laughed. "Did one of the husbands find out where you live and hit you? That's hilarious!"
"No! That's not what happened!" Cyril shouted.
"Did one of the women you cheated on with hit you?" Archer asked.
"No!" Cyril snapped.
"So what did happen?" Ray asked.
"I don't want to talk about it," Cyril grumbled.
"I know what happened!" Pam said cheerfully.
"How could you know what happened?" Cyril shouted.
"Because the video is already online!" Pam snorted. "Cashmere Storm!"
"Oh dear God no!" Cyril moaned.
"Oh I remember that nickname," Lana groaned.
"What? What am I missing?" Archer looked back and forth between them.
"Apparently Cyril posted a few pictures online at that website and a few others…." Pam snorted. "But not of his face!"
"PAM!" Cyril blushed.
"How could you be so stupid as to put pictures of your penis online?" Lana shouted at Cyril.
"It just sort of happened during my downward sex addiction spiral," Cyril winced. "It's not like I put my real name or my face online! At least I thought I didn't!"
"Apparently Not So Little Cyril has quite the online following," Pam reported cheerfully. "Anyway that online scandal gossip show OMG somehow found out about him and was chasing him down the street to interview him when Long Dong Dumbass runs into a lamppost! It was hilarious!"
"IT WAS NOT FUNNY!" Cyril shouted.
"Well I need to see that for myself," Archer grinned. "Pam…"
"Already sent you the link on your phone," Pam told him. "I sent you the version where they put in the sound effects! It's really funny!"
"No it's not!" Cyril snapped.
Archer and everyone else was already watching the video on their phones. "Oh my god it is better with sound effects!" Archer laughed. "DOING! HA HA HA HA!"
"Will you shut that off?" Cyril shouted.
"No!" Archer snorted. "I need this! I need to see someone having just as bad a time at this as me!"
"What? You get more annoying phone calls?" Cyril shouted.
"You have no idea!" Archer groaned. "I swear I just didn't have the energy to come up with a new phone prank. So I just fell back on the mariachi band one."
"You're not the only one who's had a lot of annoying phone calls," Mallory grumbled. "In fact I kind of wish they were annoying. It wouldn't have cost me more than money!"
"That bad huh?" Lana asked.
"Since yesterday I've lost five contacts within the government, two contacts in the FBI, three in the CIA, two in the Justice Department, and four potential sources of blackmail," Mallory groaned. "My contact in the Immigration Bureau is gone. So is my source in the mayor's office and two contacts within Homeland Security. I had no choice but to cut ties with a general in the army and two lawyers I know. And their law firm will no longer do business with us. Mostly because it no longer exists and they are suing each other…"
"Is that that husband and wife firm?" Archer asked. "The one that helped me get out of that marriage to Linda when I…?"
"Had that little break from reality? When you thought you were a burger flipper in a greasy dive in New Jersey? Yes!" Mallory snapped. "On top of it all I lost one of my oldest friends in high society."
"I'm guessing she wasn't too happy you were having an affair with her husband?" Ray asked.
"It wasn't her husband that bothered her as much as it was her brother," Mallory admitted.
"I don't believe it," Lana groaned.
"I know. Vanessa always was a little off when it came to her family," Mallory sighed. "Honestly I've suspected for years that she and her brother were a little too close if you get my drift. Long story short…I don't even have a snowball's chance in Hell of ever getting on the board of the Met."
"Which one? Museum or opera?" Krieger asked.
"Both," Mallory admitted. "Let's just say Vanessa and her husband get around a lot. And not just in the bedroom."
"So basically in the past twenty four hours you basically lost at least a quarter of your contacts and backers?" Lana asked. "That's what you're saying."
"Not that I had that many before those stupid hackers with a Puritanical streak decided to crash the party and ruin everyone's good time!" Mallory grumbled. "But yes. Possibly more to come. Depending on what else gets uncovered."
"Or who gets uncovered," Archer grumbled. "Why can't some people just mind their own business?"
"I know, right?" Cyril asked. "It's not like anyone put a gun to their heads and made them cheat!"
"Exactly!" Archer agreed. "Consenting adults should do what they want in the privacy of their own…private space. Or whatever they can rent for the hour."
"And the proverbial cherry on the ice cream sundae of stupidity is that Ron found out about the website," Mallory groaned. "That bitch Vanessa told him about it. And then he went online and looked for himself. Leading to a very uncomfortable and very loud discussion last night."
"Did he kick you out of the apartment again?" Pam asked.
"I really should get that apartment back in my name," Mallory groaned. "Long story short I'm staying at the Tuntmore Hotel for the next couple of days."
"Thank God the media is focusing mostly on those reality stars that got caught and not us," Archer let out a breath.
"God had nothing to do with it," Mallory snorted. "Good thing I still have some contacts left."
"What?" Archer blinked.
"Oh come on Sterling!" Mallory shouted. "Half the government is on that website as well as a lot powerful business executives and lawyers! You really think everyone with that much power is going to just let the media control this story? I think not!"
"Wait so you're saying…?" Lana blinked.
"Yes Lana. That government manipulation of the news you've been complaining about for years has finally done something in our favor!" Mallory crowed. "Makes you feel a little silly complaining about it now doesn't it?"
"I never complained about that," Lana blinked. "In fact I wasn't even aware of…? How big is this government media manipulation thing?"
"It depends on which party has a majority rule and what network they're affiliated with," Mallory shrugged. "Fortunately this story encompasses both parties so for once they are able to put aside their differences and focus on the greater good!"
"Which is covering their asses so they don't lose their jobs," Archer said.
"Exactly," Mallory grinned. "Mark my words. After throwing a few celebrities who are already riddled with scandal to the proverbial wolves, this story is going to go away and everything will go back to normal. And no one is going to care about…"
"Uh Ms. Archer…" Pam interrupted. "You did know this website has accounts all over the world right?"
"Yes…" Mallory asked. "Why?"
"Apparently some more fallout is coming including details about a certain deceased former head of the KGB having an affair with a mysterious woman only known as Silver Haired Goddess of Whipped Cream…" Pam read from her news app on her phone.
"So that could be anyone," Mallory waved.
"Not likely," Archer remarked.
"You had more than one profile didn't you?" Pam asked. "And you put them under different names and addresses?"
"Pretty much yes," Mallory admitted. "But again that Silver Haired Goddess could be anyone."
Pam gave her a look. "Well this Silver Haired Goddess also had affairs with several members of parliament in a lot of countries, two cardinals of the Roman Catholic Church…One of which was arrested for trying to assassinate the Pope. And Len Trexler."
"Those last two are kind of a big tell right there," Ray gave Mallory a look.
"Then there's this other account that is only labeled I Hate Trudy Beekman," Pam went on. "They don't know who that is either…"
"Even though there's a huge big freaking clue right there," Lana folded her arms. "In the name."
"Well…a lot of people hate Trudy Beekman!" Mallory said. "She's loathed all over!"
"Didn't Trudy Beekman just win the Woman of the Year award from the New York Women's Club?" Ray asked. "For her charity work and raising over two million dollars for a children's hospital?"
"And she raised another million dollars for that program for inner city kids so they could go to summer camp and ride horses?" Pam asked. "And fund that blood drive for that really sick little girl with cancer?"
"Yeah I remember hearing about that," Archer nodded. "And she also contributed to a couple of scholarships. One of which was to this homeless student who got into Harvard Medical School and made it to class valedictorian. Pretty impressive actually."
"And didn't she like donate a brand new state of the art fire engine to the fire department?" Cyril asked.
"Exactly! She's a pushy woman who buys awards like they're new furs!" Mallory snorted.
"Well it must work," Pam snorted with laughter. "Hasn't Trudy Beekman won that award three times in five years?"
"And you've never even been nominated," Cheryl added. "That has got to sting. You know. Because everyone knows how mean you are. And you're pretty much hated by everyone."
"What? Not everyone hates me! Just the unimportant people!" Mallory scoffed. "I'm very popular."
"According to that website maybe a little too popular," Ray pointed out.
"Well not with anyone who really knows her," Cheryl snorted.
"Just what is that supposed to mean?" Mallory snapped.
"Oh come on Mother I mean…" Archer said. "You've never exactly been…uh…"
"Nice? Decent? Tolerable?" Cheryl suggested. "Pick an adjective!"
"I can pick a few adjectives for you!" Mallory snapped.
"Mother please come on," Archer said. "Let's get real here. You're not exactly known for your charity work."
Mallory took offense. "What do you mean? I do favors all the time!"
"No you do quid pro quo spy work favors," Archer corrected. "Not exactly the same thing."
"I am well known for my charitable nature," Mallory bristled.
"More like lack of it," Cheryl snorted. "Have you completely forgotten the time Archer decided to do a breast cancer fund drive in the office?"
FLASHBACK!
"All right everyone!" Archer called out to the office. He was still wearing his red headscarf and black rampage outfit but looked much better.
And he was holding a glass jar. "Now that my cancer is starting to go in remission I've decided to start a cancer fundraising drive! It's called the Ruth's Cancer Fund and with your help we are gonna kick cancer's ass! Who's with me?"
"Who the hell is Ruth?" Mallory grumbled as she watched her employees contribute to the fund drive.
"This old woman Archer bonded with," Lana explained. "She died of cancer because she was taking those fake drugs."
"Keep that money coming folks!" Archer whooped as people donated several bills. "We are going to honor Ruth! She was like the mother I never had!"
"Okay that's it!" Mallory snapped. "Sterling we need to settle something!"
"What?" Archer asked.
"Your tab," Mallory growled.
"What tab?" Archer asked.
"Your child support tab. Your suit cleaning tab Popeye says you owe," Mallory growled. "Your parking ticket tab! Your hooker tab Popeye also says you owe! Pick one!"
She grabbed most of the money from the jar. "This should do for a start!" She then stormed off into her office.
"That's not going to do much is it?" Archer blinked at the small change left in the jar.
"No, it is not," Krieger admitted.
FLASHFORWARD!
"Turned out to be more like a Baby Ruth fund," Pam said. "Because that was all we could afford."
"Not even that," Krieger admitted.
"You know when Archer is saying you should be more charitable you know you have a problem!" Ray pointed out.
"Even I have to admit he has a point," Archer nodded.
"I am plenty charitable," Mallory snapped. Everyone scoffed at this. "What?"
"Oh please!" Cheryl snorted. "You are like the stingiest person I've ever met. And I have had like a dozen relatives that are total misers! And most of them are dead now which is really cool. And funny. Ha, ha, ha…"
"Do you remember the time your Superintendent's kid had to go to the hospital and everyone from your building decided to chip in to pay for his operation!" Archer pointed out.
FLASHBACK!
"A potato?" The Irish Superintendent was stunned as he stood at Mallory's door. She hand handed him a potato. "But that won't pay the bills for my boy's operation!"
"Oh fine! Here's an extra potato!" Mallory threw it at her Superintendent's head. He fell to the ground. "Now get out of here you Irish Mooch!" She slammed the door in his face.
FLASHFORWARD!
"What? He got the operation and two potatoes on top of it!" Mallory snapped. "So he could have dinner and make vodka at the same time!"
"Didn't Trudy Beekman pay your share for the operation?" Archer asked.
"And then she told everyone in my building about it!" Mallory bristled. "She's such a gossip! She only did that to make her look good! Bitch!"
"And remember the water bucket challenge?" Lana spoke up. "Not only did you not contribute, you threatened to shoot anyone who challenged you!"
"Then you shot Brett," Ray added.
"I was aiming for Pam! Brett got in the way!" Mallory growled. "As usual."
"My point is Mother is that you're not exactly known for your charity work," Archer said.
"Don't be so sure," Mallory glared at her son. "I'm currently supporting an Idiot Wildlife Refuge!"
"Mallory over the years you've spent more money on furs, jewels, expensive trips…" Lana listed.
"Expensive conference desks," Ray added.
"Did it ever occur to you that maybe if you spent some of that money on charity you…?" Lana began.
"What money Lana? I'm barely treading water as it is now!" Mallory snapped. "And even if I did give some of that money to charity what good would it have done? I'd still have money problems mostly because of you idiots!"
Mallory sniffed. "Besides, I think it's rather tacky to buy your awards."
"Then how do you explain all those Mother of the Year trophies you have in your apartment when you've never even been nominated?" Archer rolled his eyes.
"She's got a trophy engraving place on speed dial," Cheryl said.
"Another piece of the puzzle," Lana rolled her eyes.
"If you self-righteous assholes won't stop lecturing me you will need to get the unemployment office on speed dial!" Mallory snapped.
"Uh that may happen without you," Krieger noticed something on his phone.
"What do you mean?" Mallory asked.
"According to the news I get on my phone a high ranking director in the CIA just resigned because of the website scandal," Krieger frowned.
"Is it Hawley or Slater?" Archer asked.
"No," Krieger said.
"Damn," Archer snapped his fingers.
"Uh no! We don't want them to get in trouble because technically they're our bosses!" Lana barked.
"Well their boss just had to resign from the agency for his involvement with the whole scandal," Krieger explained. "He's had numerous affairs…Including one with I Hate Trudy Beekman…"
"Uh oh," Ray blinked.
"This could take a little longer to blow over than I thought," Mallory blinked. "Uh meeting's canceled. I have to make a few more calls."
"We really should have seen this all coming," Cyril moaned as they left.
"Again, thanks a lot Henry Hindsight!" Mallory snapped.
Then to herself she grumbled. "I knew it was a mistake to let Len and the others talk me into joining that website! Should have just stuck with the phone sex."