Title: Welcome to Hell Hotel

Rating: T

Warnings: Spoilers up to Chapter 393, crack, drama, hell, slight cursing, a bit of romance later (maybe)

AN: Inspired by Itachi's death and Last Stop Gakuen the RP. Not too good right now, but I'm trying to make it better. I star in it, again, as well as most of my friends. Don't kill me, fan girls. And check out LSG on livejournal. It is made of WIN.

Itachi was not a man to panic. He was logical, cold, and with only a scrap of humanity left in his stone cold heart.

Still, he couldn't help but feel a tad bit alarmed at the help desk he was facing. Painted navy blue with blood red roses sliding down the edges that made him sneeze, the desk made it seem rather like his death sentence then a place where he could get information.

It didn't help that when he rang the small, golden bell on the top (still surrounded by those irritating flowers), a young Asian girl popped out from under the desk, her hair covered in red dust. Adjusting her lavender rimmed glasses, she cleared her throat, and began to speak. "Hello, my name is Raven, and welcome to Hell Hotel. May I help you?"

Itachi…blinked. Who in their right mind names a hotel Hell?

"Yes, you may. May I inquire how to go back?" he deadpanned.

The girl didn't even bat an eyelash. "I'm sorry sir, but there is no way back."

"…excuse me?"

Raven sighed, propping herself on the desk, and shook her head at him. "I can't believe I have to explain this again. There is no way back. You're dead, Itachi. This is Hell, the Underworld, however you want to call it. You can't go back now."

Again, Itachi blinked, for two different reasons. First reason—he was dead. This was not so surprising, although it made him feel a bit queasy. Second reason—the girl knew his name without him telling her.

"How do you—"

"Your name tag."

My what? He glanced downwards at his chest, where a small, golden name tag resided. Funny. He didn't remember it being there before.

"You get it immediately after you come down here," she explained. "Now hold on a minute, let me get your file." She left the desk, and Itachi could hear her yelling to someone in the back room. Autumn? April? "Get me the file on Uchiha Itachi, age 20. Just came from the ninja universe."

She was back a few minutes later with a very thick file labeled UCHIHA ITACHI—SINS in her hands. "Let's see here...murder, homicide, lying to your parents, traumatizing your little brother, using your little brother to get you a new pair of eyes, swearing…" She looked up at him and smirked. "Man, you are one sinful guy, aren't't you?"

He didn't respond. He was still dizzy from blood loss, and was starting to see spots dancing in front of his eyes.

"Here." A boy with curly brown hair pulled into a ponytail (if it could be called a ponytail) and with a name tag that said Brad, pushed over a chair and smiled at him. "You look like you need it."

Itachi nodded at him gratefully, and sat, relieved to be finally off his feet.

He wasn't't relieved for long.

"OK, judgment time!"

Say what? Itachi was surprised to see a frizzy, brown haired girl with the name tag Victoria on it, snap her fingers. Chains sprang out of mid air and wrapped around his ankles, torso, and wrists, binding Itachi effectively to the chair and floor.

The help desk began to grow to about 20 feet higher than before, and transformed into a large, foreboding looking podium. A girl with blonde-brown hair wearing a long, black robe stepped forward onto the podium. Another girl that looked African with a name tag reading LaShonda, also stepped to the side of the podium. "Presenting Judge Mare."

Judge Mare smirked down at Itachi. "So, Mr. Uchiha Itachi. You have committed many sins, yes?" When he didn't respond, she barked, "ANSWER ME, YOU IMBECILE!"

"Yes."

"Good." Again, she smirked. "I'm glad to see that you're being honest with us. Now," she hissed, "Let us call Lord Satan to judge your fate."

WHAT?! "Wait—"

Too late. A large, dark figure rose up out of the ground in front of Itachi. Its glowing red eyes and ominous aura made Itachi feel like he was about to be sick.

The thing, or Satan, grasped Itachi's face in its cold, slimy hands, leaving soot marks where it touched him. Itachi was afraid, he had to admit—who wouldn't be. He was facing a real live demon. He tried to activate his Sharingan, so he wouldn't feel so helpless, but the cold red eyes in front of him left him paralyzed, a feeling he did not approve of.

Finally after what seemed like a hundred years, it released him and spoke. Its hissing, rasping voice almost made Itachi shiver. Almost.

"I sentence this man to work as the hotel bartender. His room will be Room 205, next to the new hotel modeler that arrived a few hours ago."

Itachi was too numb from shock to care if Hell had a bar. The chains unwrapped around him and vanished as Raven and Mare approached. Raven and Mare propped him up and slowly dragged him up a winding staircase towards his new home, while Itachi slowly lost consciousness.