a/n: In case you didn't read in the summary I want to make it clear that this is complete crack. Also, generalized disclaimer in my profile.

When Remus was in 6th year, the one thing he hated more than his monthly transformations in the shrieking shack was leaving the next morning to head back to the castle. He had never liked walking back out past the Whomping Willow, but as the years went by the tree seemed to be, and remus felt ridiculous for thinking of it this way, well, looking at him funny when he walked away.

It was a cold and damp late October morning and Remus was pacing in front of the exit to the tunnel under the willow. For some reason he had a particularly bad feeling about walking out past the willow that day. He felt an odd sense of foreboding, like pressure in the air. For a moment he thought of going back to the shack and somehow sneaking out and back to Hogwarts through Hogsmeade, but then he looked at his watch and realized he'd be late for class. Taking a deep breath, Remus steeled himself and ran up out of the tunnel and away from the willow.

He stopped just outside of what he estimated to be the edge of the Willow's reach, and attempted to catch his breath. He was just thinking that his mad dash from the tree had been a stupid idea considering his weakened post transformation state, when there was a thundering creak from behind him.

Remus whirled around; staring in horror as entire Whomping Willow leaned over, extending its longest branch towards him. The lycanthrope went to back away, but tripped and fell backwards to the ground, hitting his head hard against a rock. His vision swam in and out of focus and he was only dimly aware of the spindly branches of the tree wrapping around him, pulling him towards the thickest part of the trees branches.

Remus blinked rapidly, forcing away the dizzy fog caused by his fall. The first thing he noticed was that, as he was pulled further into the center of the branches, his clothes were catching on protruding branches and gradually being ripped off.

Suddenly, the branches stopped pulling him forward, and Remus found himself resting in a cocoon of branches, the tree momentarily still. Remus squirmed against the branches, trying to find a way out, but the squirming caused the tree to shudder, pulling its limbs closer, stroking branches across Remus's form, shredding off the last of his tattered clothing.

The boy stilled, paralyzed suddenly by his fear, his heart jack hammering in his chest. The tree must have taken his lack of motion as permission to continue, because suddenly there were branches everywhere, rubbing seductively across all of Remus's erogenous zones. These branches weren't like the rough ones that had ripped away his clothes, no, these were smooth and supple, and gradually Remus's teenage body began to respond, hormones taking over common sense.

The tree wrapped branches around the boys arms, pulling them over his head, and several more branches moved in and pulled Remus's legs up and apart, pinning the boy wide open and vulnerable. A moderately sized branch rubbed against Remus's manhood, making the boy moan and buck up against it, suddenly painfully hard. The tree seemed to respond to the noise, sliding one of its branches into Remus's mouth, effectively gagging him.

Remus was so lost in the pleasure caused by the branch rubbing on his dick, that he didn't notice the much larger branch oozing sap and sliding carefully towards him until it began to press incessantly against his anal opening. His eyes, which had slid closed, shot open and he tried to pull away, his fearful screams muffled by the branch in his mouth. In response, the branches tightened around him, making all but the smallest of movements impossible.

With Remus immobilized, the large branch began moving again, pushing roughly into the boy and pausing only briefly before slamming into him again, repeatedly. Remus sobbed softly at the pain of the rough intrusion, but the branch at his front began moving again, and the pain of the larger branch began to fade. The tree began to move faster, and suddenly it hit something in Remus that made his weeping cock spill across the branch. Seconds later the limb shoved deep inside the boy and the whole tree shuddered, knocking Remus's head a bit too hard against a branch, and the boy's vision faded to black.

Remus woke up groggily, lying in a damp patch of grass next to the rock he had hit his head on earlier that morning. The tree was a gently swinging its branches a good distance away, and for several long minutes Remus lay there, convinced that he had just had a horribly vivid dream. It wasn't until he stood and there was a sharp twinge in his back, that he noticed the sticky sap coating the inside of his naked thighs. He looked at the tree, which was still swaying innocently, and could see a bit of his boxers still hanging from one of the innermost branches.

Remus sighed, located his wand, cast a quick cleaning charm, and accio'd some clothing. He walked back to the castle, stopping only once he reached the door to look back curiously at the tree, which seemed to have drooped with his return to the school.

Remus made his way to the common room unnoticed to find Sirius waiting for him. Upon seeing him, Sirius jumped out of his chair by the fire, swooping down on Remus and kissing him hard, slipping his tongue into the werewolf's mouth. Suddenly Sirius yelped and pulled away from Remus, hands flying up to his mouth, where he pulled a small splinter out of his tongue.

"Remus, why was there a splinter in your mouth?" Sirius looked confused, "and while we're at it, why do you smell like maple syrup?"

Before Sirius could demand an answer, Remus bolted upstairs, with a mumbled, "tired, just need sleep."

Remus slipped into the dormitory and rushed to his bed, sliding the curtains shut around himself and magically locking them closed before he slid under the covers. His last thought before falling asleep was that next time he should take off his own clothes because he couldn't afford any new uniforms.

THE END