Megidolaon
By Nadia Blackrose
Disclaimers
I would like to thank RuinsoftheMoonVII from the bottom of my heart for all her wonderful support. I think that despite being new to the Persona fandom, I just forged my first bond.
Thank you!
I do not own the characters of Persona series, and the fan-art belongs to its respective creator.
I only own the plot and the concept of this specific story, and of course no money is made from this.
Author Notes
This is a mini oneshot novel-fic concerning Persona 4, with some songfic elements as well. It's quite long, yet I preferred to post it as a whole and not split it with the aim of gaining more reviews.
Alternatively, it has potential to evolve into a multi-chaptered story, and I leave this option just to you and your response.
Basic theme is romance and friendship, combined with some funny moments now and then. Inspiration for this came from Kanji's story mode in Persona 4 Arena ( the alternate ending), the sequel of Persona 4, so be warned for spoilers. In case you haven't played the game, search for the video before reading, as it is available.
A. You make me want to be a man
I really want to tell you something
This is just the way I am
I really want to tell you something
But I can't
You make me want to be a man…
Utada Hikaru- You make me want to be a man
School time was boring, really boring, ten thousand times boring. Even more. Well, perhaps the home economics class was a bit interesting, although it had few things to offer him. In fact, he was more like a teacher there, helping the fellow members, making their life easier. Thus, he was respected and useful, and finally he had found a place to belong to. Nothing else could appeal to him more.
Until he came to school, too, and even better became his classmate. Later on, that mysterious man turned out to be a girl, who in turn became his ally in battle, and finally a friend…
He was in love with that person- regardless if it was she or he, and that was that, though in reality his crush was an open secret.
Even such boring hours, then, were not enough for him to keep watching her silently to his heart's content, while she was sitting on her desk, listening to the lecture. Her shining blue hair looked so smooth like precious silk. Her eyes were glimmering like topazes, deeper than the sky, and more enchanting than the sea.
Moreover, her skin was rumoured to be extremely soft and nice ( he had heard the girls mentioning that to her, back at the hot springs of the Amagi Inn). He wished he could touch her like the girls did, and see that for himself. Alternatively, he desired to transform into something that could come into contact with her, just like her trademark cap. Thinking to this, he felt he really envied that cap, despised it even.
She was so unique to him…
For a single moment, he wondered how come he hadn't figured out sooner she was a girl. The Detective prince, Naoto Shirogane, the enchanting, mysterious individual who attracted girls like a magnet, turned out to be a female, too. What a shocking revelation had it been, back then. Perhaps he would have found the answer sooner, if he hadn't convinced himself he was on the other side of the fence. Or did he like her only because she looked so ''manly''?
It seemed dumb of him to speculate such matters, since deduction wasn't his field of profession. It was hers, and only hers. Well, the essence of things was one: he had felt a natural attraction for her, before he realised his instinct had eventually led him to the right path, which in turn dispelled his clouds of doubt concerning his preferences. And that also enhanced his interest for her, perhaps relieved his male friends as well.
What was he waiting for, then? The answer is simple :
Despite having come to terms with himself, his actual fear was yet to be opposed.
Tough and hardcore Kanji Tatsumi feared rejection more than a thousand Garudynes cast altogether. Rejection was worse than death- no- it was The Reaper, Izanagi and Izanami commencing an all-out-attack. And the way Kanji perceived the whole thing with Naoto, he could safely conclude she was far beyond his reach for many reasons. To put it in a different way, he was extremely shy.
Although they both shared the same friends and belonged to the team of the gifted Persona users who solved the serial murders in Inaba, they remained mere acquaintances all the same. Kanji could vaguely remember himself spending time alone with her after his kidnapping- if not for once.
And to make matters worse, when he was given that unique opportunity inside the TV world and finally met her alone, he thought he was inside a dream and screwed up. Later on, he took everything back, to no avail. Kanji's and Naoto's last encounter inside the TV world merely gave rise to a thick wall of ice between them. It seemed unbreakable, and every single day it was lifting higher and higher, separating them, making communication impossible.
He had to do something about it before their relationship was broken forever due to his actions...
What the hell, he thought, men should take the initiative. If there was someone who had to compensate for his mistakes, that was him. Maybe a single sorry might do the trick- but no- he wished it was that simple.
Naoto was far more complicated than that, perhaps she was even too good for him...
Naoto was a detective; Kanji was some sort of a punk. She was calm and serene, a kind and noble soul. Contrary to her, Kanji held the reputation of a delinquent person, a constant trouble-maker who had made police officers his most common visitors.
Her finesse, her status, her manners and her formal way of speaking placed her miles away from him...
Supposing he was in the basement, while she was in the sky, someone had to cross that distance, so that those two would meet together... And as he could assume, it had to be him, for he was the man, and men should take full responsibility of their actions.
He could just reveal her the whole truth about his feelings, make his confession -that was the duty of a male. In the best case, Naoto would respect his sentiments, then she might at least accept his apology. In the worst scenario, he would have to witness his fear becoming a reality, adapting the most terrifying form: Naoto's rejection, the ultimate destruction- Megidolaon.
So be it; he thought out of plain stubbornness.
Maybe a gift would break the ice between those two. Women loved such gestures of kindness, and he remembered that she had admired his talent in various handmade creations. Of course, he could use his skills to his advantage. All he had to do was to think of an object that would match her taste.
Fine, and how the hell was he supposed to do it when she knew her that little? What a pain in the ass…
He went over the facts.
Well, she was special, and had some ''manly'' interests... Probably, it should be wise she was offered something nice and practical at the same time, something she could use in her daily life. That would also remind her it came from him. Yeah, that's the spirit. All he ever wanted was to give her something that would touch her, since he was unable to do it…
He sighed, for it was hard to think what fit her for good.
Oh yeah! Enlightenment came the second time he took a peek at her. Naoto was constantly dependent on her cap- that was it!
His inner devil opposed the idea- what the hell was she supposed to do with another cap? She had one already, damn it! But then, Inaba's unpredictable weather and Naoto's forgetfulness of her umbrella might come to his rescue. In the rare occasion her already owned cap ever got wet, she could use a spare one just for a while. An item of his would manage to get onto her, even temporarily. And the thought itself was comforting enough...
IF she would accept his gift, though... dark ominous shadows blurred the scenery of his thoughts once again, until he lost his temper, for what it seemed to be like the millionth time.
The hell with that, it was unlike of him to sit down and speculate details like an idiot! He was a pureblood man of action, end of story!
It was settled.
From that day on, Kanji would search for the best materials and put his sewing machine on fire until the desirable result would be carried out. He could make it, for these hands were his most reliable companion…
XXX
For a couple of days, Kanji was absent from school, and showed no signs of life. Rumour had he returned to his old habits and began meddling into gangs once again, if not for building his own gang that time. Others said he was taken into custody by the police, he was even believed to be missing from home in search for drugs.
Of course, all of the above malicious beliefs were far from the truth, and Kanji's mother would constantly counter the nasty comments made by the locals. Her boy had changed dramatically during the last year, especially after the incident of his sudden disappearance. And luckily enough for her, Kanji had also started giving some knitting lessons, so he could channel his energy into something more creative instead of beating people. Police had also left him alone. Thank god, he had also gained good friends, and caused trouble no more.
However, she had difficulty in finding out what was going on recently. To the best of her knowledge, Kanji was working very hard on something that must have been crucial to him. Sometimes, she could even hear the sound of his sewing machine breaking the grave silence of the night now and then, while the lights of his room remained on.
She tried asking him once or twice, and all her efforts went down to the waste. Thus, it was wiser of her to let him do as he pleased, and maybe one day he might let her know. Probably a girl was on the way... she could anticipate, yet she would remain silent on the grounds that it would be hard to ask him about that, even if she could give him some advice as a woman.
One night, she sneaked into his room, thinking her boy would have fallen asleep without turning the lights off. There she found an exhausted Kanji, and next to him lied something that looked a bit familiar, if her memory was correct: a familiar blue cap. Mrs Tatsumi tried to recollect where she had seen that before, and luckily enough the answer was on the way. So, it was that boy who turned out to be a girl. And judging from the fact she had met Naoto recently, asking about Kanji's health, Mrs Tatsumi was certain her son hadn't stolen anything. With a relieved look on her face and a faint smile painted on her lips, she unplugged the sewing machine, turned the lights off and headed back to her room. In a few days, it would be over. She was eager for that, and wholeheartedly hoped things would work well for him.
XXX
''Come on, my son, wake up. You're late for school.'' Mrs Tatsumi tried to be smooth and kept a safe distance from him, without entering his room, just in case he banged something near him.
It felt bad of her to have to play the role of the alarm clock, knowing how tired he must have been, but she had to do it this time, otherwise Kanji might be in grave danger of repeating the whole term.
''Shut up, you old hag!'' he finally came to his senses, and was as hot tempered as ever. Now she was sure, the cap was finished, and he would come back to his usual self.
''Kanji, my boy, you have to go back to school, otherwise you may miss the term.'' she tried to be polite and clear to him.
''All right, all right.'' he yawned in his usual annoying tone, got up from his bed and slammed his punching bag.
Absolutely typical of him, he had almost neglected his daily workout and felt a bit rusty.
As soon as he was ready to go and stepped onto the front door, his mother caught up to him.
''Son, I think you forgot something.'' she reminded him of the cap and was about to bring it to him.
There came the moment of realisation, and Kanji's hot-tempered manners resurfaced, while he was more aggravated than ever. He was certain his mom had the wrong idea of him, and want it or not he had to clear his position.
''Don't tamper with my things! I didn't steal it, I made it.'' he yelled at his mom, yet she didn't bother.
Kanji was just like a barking dog- making extremely loud noise, but he wouldn't bite her.
''I know.'' she expressed her trust. ''I came to your room one night to turn the lights off, and I saw that. Before that night, the girl wearing the same cap had visited me and asked about you.''
''What?'' smokes were coming out of his ears. ''You didn't say anything, did ya?'' he was out of control.
''Of course not.'' she sighed. ''I just said you were ill…''
''Don't lie to me!'' he failed to believe Naoto was worried about him, after all the things that happened between them. Yet his mother was sweet and reliable, and felt glad for that surprising news.
'' You should give it to her. I hope it will make her happy. Good luck.'' she smiled, and Kanji gulped.
''Mom…!'' he whined like a puppy.
It was really awkward to speak to his mom about a girl, at least he was grateful of her deep understanding.
''I'll come back to take it later.'' he said before took off to school.
Unfortunately, that single day Kanji became a student again, Naoto was absent. On top of that, he was both mentally and physically exhausted to pay attention to the lecture. Thus, he dozed off for an unknown amount of time, until a familiar voice rang to his head and pulled him back from the dreaming world.
''Hey Kanji! Where have you been? We were so worried about you!'' Rise spoke cheerfully in her loud high pitched voice.
He peeled one eye open, turned to her direction and glared at her, simply because his wonderful sleep was disturbed. On the other hand, he had to thank her, for he was about to lose the one and only club that posed of interest to him: the home economics one.
''Well...I wasn't in the mood to come. Sorry.'' he was a bit apologetic, and hopefully enough Rise knew his ways, so she would understand him.
''Huh? Your mom said you were sick. Oh! Now I get it…
Is it because Naoto's missing, or are you afraid to face her? I mean... Seems like something happened between you two...'' she was instantly interrupted by Kanji's denial.
''No!'' he yelled aggressively with a blush.
Damn it, his friends knew much more than he wanted... and the worst part came when he wondered if Naoto was aware of his feelings. Or she was just indifferent, ashamed even because of that. She was really... hard to read, and for someone like Kanji- who was blinded by the cupid arrows- that task was unbearable, so he was screwed. Anyway, since Kanji's reaction could speak on its own he went on:
''Ok, I'll speak the f***ing truth. I've been really busy recently into making something.'' the speed of his tongue won the race of his mind.
Nice, he spilled the beans. Now Rise was bound to ask him if his new creation addressed to Naoto.
''That's so cute! Say, is it something for her so to fix your relationship?''
He clenched his teeth, thinking she was exactly on the point. Luckily enough, Rise was benevolent and wanted the companionship to stay united at all costs. Hence, he decided to entrust her with his little secret.
''Well, yes.'' he admitted the truth, and that said everything. ''Just keep our secret away from others. I really mean it!'' he warned her out of simple spontaneity.
The last thing he desired was to have his plans utterly ruined. Otherwise, he would be capable of killing people out of plain anger.
Rise clapped her hands and seemed like she was over the moon.
''You just came to the right person!'' she crossed her fingers to wish him good luck.
She liked such romantic gestures, and gave full support and respect to Kanji's emotions.
'' I wish I could make gifts for my friends, too, like you do. I bet you should teach me! Maybe my knitting and sewing skills can be better than my cooking ones!'' she added in a humorous tone.
Kanji gulped at the reminiscence of Rise's omelet, and was about to change the subject before a tragedy occurred. Unfortunately, his reaction had betrayed him once more.
''So, my omelet wasn't good enough, was it? Nanako had really enjoyed it!'' Rise furrowed her eyebrows, and put her hands on her waist.
He was a goner for good, and regretted miserably for coming back to school. Now, he would have to put up with a lecture, and the usual girly complaining stuff.
Fortunately, another friend of theirs made his appearance and interfered into the conversation:
''Nanako was very kind and had a really good stomach. Poor girl…'' a sighing Yosuke lowered his head, thereafter stated:
''Pop stars should better remain pop stars''.
''Don't judge me! You're just too young and immature to estimate my talent! Just keep on eating from me and you're going to see!
Oh, now that I mentioned my cooking, perhaps it would be good for me to present a cooking show, one day! Oh wow! That's a perfect way for Risette to remain on show business after she reaches...30?'' she wondered, and trembled at the thought of that number.
''Quit already.'' Yosuke broke her ambitious dreams. ''We don't want more murders in our little town, let alone the rest of the world. There are already two cooking disasters among us...'' he failed to finish his sentence.
''Are you referring to us?'' an outraged Chie popped out of nowhere and took a kung-fu fighting stance, ready to give her best kick. And she knew exactly where to point at...
''No no, unless you feel the title suits you.'' Yosuke took back his words for fear of taking his balls to his hand.
Along with Chie came Yukiko, forming a saddened expression...
''It seems they still hold a grudge against us, even after the success of the cake.'' she said in a low tone.
''We lack proof it was handmade.'' Yosuke countered.
''I guess we should have Naoto investigate the matter.'' Rise's humorous comment lifted the spirits up, and the companionship burst out of laughter, while Kanji formed a little smile. He was extremely happy to be reunited with his friends, though something was missing, and he knew well WHO were those people- Naoto and Yu, the man who had helped him accept his true self.
Come to think of Yu, Kanji wondered if Naoto was interested in him, and that would be absolutely logical. Sometimes, he had seen the two of them leaving together and there were also moments when Naoto found herself in a tight situation before him... Maybe Yu deserved her...
He had leadership qualities, he was from the city, and could deduce things like her. Generally speaking, he had the whole package. Such an amazing ability he bore, enabling him to match with many different personalities the same way he could switch into Personas. That was also a part of his multi complex personality, which made him second to none.
Undoubtedly, he was a better match for her. On the other hand, Yu seemed to display more interest towards Rise, or Yukiko. The first one had also made confession to him back at the train station, while the train was leaving. He wouldn't bother if Kanji made a move to Naoto…
So… Naoto might be available. After all, there was no apparent reason for Kanji to be jealous of Yu- he was a true friend. If Yu was there, he would be able to give him some advice, and guide him to the right path. Definitely, he would offer him his full support, and boost his morale.
Kanji sighed, he truly missed his extraordinary friend, yet the thought of him and their bond already made him feel stronger.
Against all odds, Kanji should have to try for Naoto anyway. A man never gives up. And that's what he would do.
After spending some short time with his friends, he rushed for the home economics room. He was late, and that was the first time, but he truly enjoyed it, all the same.
Once the lesson was over, he placed his new handmade possessions in his bag, got up from the sewing machine and took off. As soon as he left the practice room and headed towards the main corridor, he was met by a stunning and unexpected surprise:
Naoto was there, almost near the board, and seemed like she was waiting for someone. He gasped for air at the sight of her, and his heart was beating faster the closer he came to her. Admiration turned to embarrassment, and embarrassment turned to anxiety. He was having butterflies in his stomach every time her gaze met his. Such a pleasant and magnificent view was that.
Could it be possible she was waiting for him? Class was over that day, so were the practice clubs. Unless she had made another friend attending some extra club, he could swear she was expecting him, of all the people. And that was definitely an illusion.
He then remembered his mother's words at the morning, when she told him about Naoto's visit to the textile shop the other day. He had to build up some confidence, thus walked to her direction.
She was standing in her usual graceful posture, one hand in her waist, while her blue eyes were pointing at him. He then felt the urge to dig his nails to his skin to ensure he wasn't hallucinating.
''Kanji-kun. I am glad to see you. Is everything all right now?'' she asked him in her usual deep voice, though she wondered if using the honorific would make him mad.
Regarding the last days, Naoto had speculated Kanji's behaviour inside the TV world, during that fighting contest, and the things he had said to her. It seemed to her that his words back there were genuine and spontaneous, because he thought he was inside a dream. That could be proved in the end, when he realized he had spoken to the real her- thus felt really sorry, and took everything back.
On the other hand, the way Naoto had experienced the battles in TV strongly indicated that fake Teddie was creating illusions among the contestants with the purpose of making them fight. That was also confirmed at the very end, yet one thing still bugged her. What if Kanji was having an illusion even after their battle ended- and that led to him saying what he said? That was still a possibility, though evidence eventually showed the other way around.
Undoubtedly, they had things to clear between them, and judging from their common insecurities, she had to act cool so to learn- that was part of her job. Of course, lying and diplomacy was out of the question. Kanji was far from being a suspect or enemy.
''What are you doing here? I... didn't expect you to show up today.'' Kanji rubbed the back of his neck, and Naoto shook him to the very core.
''I've been waiting for you.'' her facial expression was friendly and comfortable, as if the events of the TV world had been completely erased. Or could it be the calm before the storm?
It was only she the one to know what lied within her, so Kanji would let her act her own way so to avoid bringing further embarrassment. Women are mysterious creatures, it was more than certain. And above everything else, he couldn't expect she was thinking the same at that moment.
''Are you...serious?' he tried to convince himself, actually. The situation was too good to be real.
She could distinguish the faint blush on his cheeks, it happened very often when she was around.
Naoto had noticed throughout time she had an impact on him. It was just hard for her to find the reason behind that, as she had to dig really deep to find the root of this cause. Did he like her because she looked more like a boy, and found a reason for himself to be called ''normal'' and ''straight''?
''Come on, make me a man!'' she had a recollection of him saying that, when she was signed up for the beauty pageant against her own will.
It went without saying that Kanji may have had a crush on her - but that was not the point. In Naoto's judgment, Kanji was actually looking for a way to figure out his sexual identity; he was still in turmoil with his ''other'' self. So was she, deep down. And most presumably, that must have been the real reason Kanji liked her- because they both had that ''gender thing issue'' in common. To put it in a nutshell, it couldn't be the fact he truly liked her- for her. Kanji was merely attracted by the neat tomboy, the formal costume, the exterior shell surrounding her, and that was just the surface.
Strange of her, to have given some thought into such sentimental matters. She could guess it was inappropriate of her, and lame. When she didn't know if she had accepted entirely her role as a woman, how could she know if she was open to boys? From time to time, she had received love letters hidden inside her shoe-locker, and constantly ignored them. They were not truly meant for Naoto Shirogane, they just pointed to what she represented- the detective prince. And the last thing Naoto desired was to show her true self to some stranger. Exposing yourself means to show your weak points, and that's a luxury a detective cannot afford.
In spite of the things mentioned above, Kanji was a friend, who had already witnessed her weakest moment, when he and the others fought her shadow. Definitely, he deserved some credit for that. And more than anything, he never showed some criticizing mood towards her; the same applied to the rest of the team.
Kanji's situation didn't meet the same happy ending, though- he was commented awfully now and then by the others, which automatically meant his shadow self must have put quite the show.
Relatively, Yukiko's case must have been shocking as well, thinking about her reaction every time she heard Teddie using the words ''score'' and ''stud''. Having considered all these facts, Naoto realised one more thing: there was a strong doze of sexuality among those incidents. Brilliant, she hadn't paid much attention to that.
Maybe it was time for her to question herself on that matter, too, and Kanji was obviously quite the open minded person to talk to, if circumstances brought this up.
''Do you want us to go somewhere?''
''Of course. That was my initial goal.'' she nodded.
XXX
As they walked up to the shopping district and reached the textile shop of Kanji's mother, strange thoughts began haunting her mind. Maybe Kanji wanted them to go there because he could feel comfortable and protected, in some way.
She gulped, and wondered if he wanted to take her somewhere more private, and the thought itself was more than capable of making her feel uneasy.
She then fought and repulsed that spontaneous and groundless thinking, it was insane of her to mistrust a friend in life and comprade in battle. She put that down to the fact her job had absorbed her too much recently, and just like he had told her at the TV world- she was distant and formal. Therefore, she decided to calm down. She wasn't on duty that specific moment, hence the role of the detective was unnecessary.
''I just need to grab something, and we'll be outta here.'' Kanji said before he rushed to the shop, grabbed another bag and asked her where to go.
She sighed, and cursed herself under her breath. Why was she thinking of them being together in a more private place?
B. Darkness
I'm afraid of being mothered
With my balls shut on the pen
I'm afraid of loving women
And I'm scared of loving men
Darkness, Peter Gabriel
Naoto and Kanji headed for the Samegawa Flood Plain, where the scenery was alluring at that time of year. The sun was about to set, painting the sky with a deep orange colour, while the trees on the earth filled the horizon with the richest emerald green. That, along with the blue crystal waters of the river reminded both Naoto and Kanji how much beauty this world still beheld. The world for which they had fought and thrived. This magnificent beauty had to be preserved forever. It was worth the fight, the struggle, the agony, the risk and the dangers, and now they could see the fruits of their hard work.
Once the two friends reached the kiosk, they sat down, while keeping a safe distance from each other. It was no sooner than that when Kanji opened his bag and got two sealed plastic bowls, offering one to her.
''Thank you, Kanji- kun.'' she remained polite, though she sort of hesitated to eat before him. She had to keep her good manners and her bites her small and slow, as if she lacked the appetite. Bearing the name Shirogane meant to be wise, graceful, good-mannered and somewhat noble. Even in food, then, she had to behave herself.
Kanji, on the other hand, was chewing so quickly you could think she was next to be consumed by his jaws. But he was entertaining, and maybe deep down Naoto was a bit jealous of his capability of being so ''real'', without suppressing his hunger...
''What? Don't you like it? I thought it was your favourite!'' Kanji noticed her slow pace, and broke her train of thoughts.
''Women'' he thought inside. ''Why do they all have to pretend they have a problem with food?''
''No, the taste is fine. I am impressed you are good in many things. But, as far as I remember, we haven't talked about food so to know such a personal detail.''
Kanji was shocked, and made an effort to mince his words, otherwise Yu might be in trouble for nothing.
''Nnn... Nothing. It was a lucky guess!'' he lied, yet Naoto's intellectual surpassed his foolish acting.
''Okay, I just saw you on the roof back in October with Yu. Don't take me for a peeping Tom. I just happened to be there and thought it was better I ... left you two alone in case you...'' he left his sentence unfinished, and Naoto got his point.
''You thought we wanted to have some privacy...'' she blushed, though she was successful into maintaining her composure.
''That's a misunderstanding. My bond with Yu is irreplaceable, still it is a friendly one.'' she managed to explain herself. All the more, it was peculiar for her to discuss something like that, and she went on eating until the contents of the plastic bowl were empty.
They just kept on looking at different directions, as the atmosphere had somehow changed a bit. Small clouds made their appearance, yet they seemed harmless and bore no deep gray at all.
Somehow, it felt like the weather matched their mood, as things were beginning to get serious.
''Well...'' he wanted to talk about the incident inside the TV world.
Naoto felt a bit uneasy; although it was time they both had a critical discussion, and try to resolve the matters.
''...about what happened on TV the other day... '' he was hesitant, and the tension in his voice was audible.
That automatically betrayed Kanji, since it proved he was at full conscience when he had spoken to her like that before he ran away and face Labrys. From that time on, Naoto made one thing certain- Kanji had not been manipulated by fake Teddie.
She had to calm him down, nonetheless, so to avoid leading him to another wrong spontaneous reaction. Little by little, he would open up on his own will.
''I remember. You thought it was a dream. I had believed the same thing as well, given the fact our minds played tricks on us because of fake Teddie.'' she calmed him down, thereafter noticed him taking a deep breath of relief.
''So...'' she went on '' Was it that you saw something unusual of me and retorted in such an impolite way before you ran away? If I remember well, you took everything back and asked for forgiveness when the contest was over. That strongly indicates your initial response was genuine.'' she left him speechless, although she hoped she was not pressing him to the point of exaggeration.
Kanji felt like he had been kicked in the stomach, or to make this better, somewhere lower...
After the battle between those two inside the TV world had ended, she became the Naoto she knew, as far as he could remember, so the answer was apparently negative...
Naoto was as distant and formal there, as always. It was just him who felt he had the safety and the conviction he was inside a dream, so he was more real than ever by expressing his complain about Naoto's typical behaviour. He didn't have a reason to fear Naoto's rejection there, since that Naoto wasn't the real one.
To his bad luck, though, it turned out he had spoken to the original- and even worse- he had to apologise for his actions. Not to forget the fact he had dared to use his fists against a woman, let alone the one of his heart. Hopefully, Naoto held no grudge against him concerning the fighting stuff, and right now she had given him the option of being able to come up with an excuse.
Kanji, however, bore no talent in acting and lying, contrary to Risette, and would never try doing so. He was exposed by Naoto's deductions, and had to speak for himself openly, regardless of his shyness.
Every fear I swallow
Makes me small
He felt like a baby teddy bear that had to be lectured by its mom. He stood there, as if he was naked before her, and got up from his sitting position, profoundly agitated by his incapability to act like a true man. His anger, his frustration, his compulsive explosions of rage was just a part of his self-defense mechanisms; it was the wall he had built to contain his insecurity. Speaking the truth would only lead to rejection…
When I allow it to be
There's no control over me…
Hell no, rejection was imminent; he could see it coming onto him like a megaton bomb. No, it was something worse.
Naoto's rejection would be as devastating and explosive as her special, almighty attack:
Megidolaon…
Naoto would surely ''Megidolaon'' him…
There was no going back, however, so he would try his best shot...
I'm afraid I can be devil man
and I'm scared to be divine
don't mess with me my fuse is short
beneath this skin these fragments caught
''No! I saw nothing out of the ordinary from you. I just believed I'd never meet you inside the TV world, knowing you were busy elsewhere. I kept on believing it was a dream so I got the courage and told you how I really felt!''
Naoto's jaw fell wide open, and her eyes became suddenly huge. She stayed there, frozen like a statue. Such a vivid red had spread over her cheeks, one not to be seen before. It was all over her face, like she had a fever, and her throat felt dry and hoarse. She wanted to say something; still the words wouldn't come out.
''The only thing I asked of you is to stop treating me like a stranger, that's why I told you to call me by my name without honorifics and all that typical bullshit!'' he yelled miserably, though he knew he would later regret pitifully for his preposterous actions.
That was it. He had taken the first step, and the time had come. There was no return, so he would go on and finally admit openly to his feelings, as they were uncontrollable and too strong to be kept inside. Beyond any embarrassment and fear, overpowered by frustration and anxiety, he unleashed himself, no matter how much he would be hurt later.
When I allow it to be
It has no control over me
I have my fears, but they do not have me
''I fell for you from the very first moment I saw you! And yes, I had thought I liked dudes, but I kept on liking you even when I learned you were a chick. Maybe I liked you even more, after that. Because it's all about you, only you! I wanna get to know you better, and spend more time with you. It ain't matter to me whether we'll be friends or become… lovers; it's up to you.'' he was sweating, as if he had been carrying such a heavy burden on his shoulders all that time along.
Now she could explain everything, and read the signs she couldn't interpret correctly earlier, as Kanji said his final words…
''Now you know why I told you all those things back on that screwed world. I love you, that's it, and now I have nothing more to say!''
he turned his back and decided it was best of him to leave, having ensured his ultimate humiliation and rejection, like another gangsta that had been beaten to death.
All of this was just too much for him. Yet something was beginning to change inside…
…and the monster I was so afraid of
Lies curled up on the floor
Is curled up on the floor, just like a baby boy…
He had been afraid of rejection all that time along like hell. But now, for some odd reason it felt like it wasn't that frightening. He had fulfilled his duty as a man by confessing his true feelings to Naoto, and dared to come face to face with his almightiest fear.
There was no Megidolaon… not even a simple Megido…
Maybe in the end- his actual fear was not getting rejected- his one and only fear stemmed from the fact he had rejected himself in the first place.
I own my fear, so it doesn't own me
That moment, right there, right now, he had given his inner battle, fought his remaining darkness and came victorious out of it. So, he could leave without the tail between his legs...even though he had lost forever the battle to Naoto's heart.
I cry until I laugh
So mixed were his feelings that very moment. He was walking away like a coward, but in reality it was his pride that guided him to this decision. A man is never seen crying, he can only make this holy confession to his pillow alone. Therefore, he was determined to return to his own world- his room- cry with all his remaining heart and then see the world from another perspective. Tears can clean your eyes, he knew that well. Afterwards, he would laugh, and go on with his life, just like a man had to do.
''Kanji!'' Naoto's voice sounded more feminine, and her red rose cheeks stressed her flickering, almost wet eyes.
She felt her lips numb, unable to move, so was the rest of her body. It was her turn that time to wonder if she was hallucinating.
Someone out there cared for her, adored her mind, her spirit, her aura, regardless of her being a woman or a man. And that someone was him…
A strange feeling washed over her, and for some reason it was... extremely pleasant. Sincerely, it wasn't the kind of love a woman feels for a man. Making a confession doesn't necessarily mean you hold the magic wand to your beloved's heart.
All the same, she failed miserably to stay immune to the way his feelings penetrated into her heart, and appealed to her. She was shaken to her very roots, like a tree being struck by Ziodyne. Kanji was the first person to have spoken that openly to her.
She didn't want him to leave like that, especially after all the things he had confessed.
It's not the way it has to be…
Frankly, it would be really hard for her to give a satisfactory response for fear of breaking his heart- she really despised the idea. Oh gosh, she became so emotional all of a sudden. Congratulations, her inner balance was thrown off. It was still confusing to explain why his words touched her so deeply, yet it was something… completely new to her.
She wanted to express her gratitude, thank him, and accept his proposal of spending more time together, while letting those two getting to know better each other. He deserved to be given a chance.
Kanji had already walked some metres, without looking back, meaning he was leaving for real. She had to stop him, before it was too late for everything.
''Please, don't leave...!'' she shouted a bit louder as she managed to get up from the table, and her voice was almost broken. Still, she was watching him getting further and further, paralysed as she felt by her emotions. She had not been met with such a crisis before in her whole life, and it was ironic enough that the weather had begun to change, too, along with her mood.
''Kanji!'' she made a last attempt, and found herself on the verge of tears. When his name was screamed, Kanji turned back, while he witnessed the most unexpected thing: Naoto was running to his direction, while the first rain droplets reached the ground.
''Step back! It's about to rain!'' he yelled, but it was already too late. The light, soothing drizzle had already touched her hair. To their good luck, it was just the beginning , so they still had time to find a shelter under the kiosk, and ran back there.
XXX
''Seems like we're stuck here. Are you ok?'' Kanji asked her.
''Yeah, I am not really wet.'' she retorted while holding her cap within her delicate grasp, and put it on the table with a bit sad expression. ''Well, I can't really say the same thing about that.'' she referred to her cap, which had fallen to the wet grass while they were running back at the kiosk.
''I should've taken my umbrella with me. What an asshole…'' Kanji cursed himself loudly. It was a bit shocking for her listening to his dirty language, yet she didn't mind. That was just him.
''Oh, sorry. I'll try to change that.'' he admitted to being a foul-mouth person.
''Don't worry.'' she sounded less formal compared to other times. Subconsciously, she was beginning to grant his favour of being friendlier with him. Of course, it was impossible for that to be achieved within mere seconds. Old habits die hard. At least, she had made a start.
''It seems the weather forecast could not see that coming.'' she commented about the sudden change.
''Maybe weather is a living person.'' he said in his hoarse tone. ''It changes moods like us people.''
''I guess you have a point.'' she agreed with him, and lowered a bit her eyes.
She felt slightly uneasy without her cap, as it meant a lot of things to her. It made her look more mature, separated her from the rest of the world, and also contributed to her mysterious aura. Without it, all magic was gone; she was just an ordinary woman, a crownless prince. Save alone the fact it was the trademark of a detective.
Kanji stared at Naoto, and it was the millionth time he could tell how feminine and stunning she looked without it. Yet he could notice her attachment to it. He then remembered he had some unfinished business with her...
''Hey, Naoto. I've got something for you.'' he got out of his bag a nice box, and there went another surprise.
''Thank you. You're really kind.'' she blushed at his generosity.
'' I wanted to give this to you to say I'm sorry about the way I spoke to you back at the TV world. But I guess I got a little carried away and forgot it.'' he said spontaneously while trying to keep his composure.
''And…sorry for the fighting, too.'' he hated himself for that.
''Don't worry. We had to fight back there. It was part of facing another danger.''
''No, I was the jackass. Dreaming or not, I should have never laid a finger on you.''
''I've got to admit, you were a formidable opponent.'' she made his day. ''But I prefer when we fight together as allies and use our combined attack.''
''Yeah, it does a hell of a damage.'' he rubbed his head, and if he had a wall available at that moment, he would go and smash his head against it, till it got to bitches.
If he didn't share a strong bond with Naoto, then how come could they perform an exclusive combination attack? Beauty and the beast symbolized their fine cooperation, but its true power emanated from the feelings they had for each other. Maybe it was his fault all along he hadn't come closer to Naoto. It was him, and his damned shyness. His fear of her ''Megidolaon''.
Rejection no longer affected him, however, so he would try to make up for all lost time.
As Naoto unwrapped the present, she was met with something familiar and different all the same: a blue cap, and next lied a small doll that resembled her.
She took the cap first, and took a closer look at it. The construction, the design and the colour were one and the same with the one she already possessed. Yet the material was a bit different, more durable and resilient to water, while the inside was softer and comfortable. She could also notice her initials on it. And the figurine doll was really cute and realistic, like a tiny version of herself. She felt like a child that was taken to the amusement park, and the excitement was all over her face.
''That's so sweet of you! I think I've never been so happy before.'' she thanked him once again.
It went without saying she was amazed by his crafting skills,. But more touching was the fact he had devoted his precious time into making those wonderful gifts, and put all his care and attention. No, they were not just a cap and a doll. They were living objects, since he had inhaled and exhaled his breath on them, and sealed a part of his soul.
''I guess that's the reason you've been missing from school recently, is that right?'' she asked, and he nodded.
''I... I wish I could find a way to pay you back...Sorry, I mean, to return the favour.'' she could not find the proper words to fit the situation due to her affection, and that could easily be misinterpreted by wild and furious Kanji.
Did he hear just right? What the f**k was that about ''paying back'' and stuff? No, he thought, Naoto must have misunderstood his intentions. Of course, she corrected her sentence, but when the tongue rushes, it also speaks the truth now and then. Is that really what she thought about him? Kanji was about to erupt like a volcano.
''How dare you think I made them to make you accept become my girlfriend. It ain't nothing about that!'' he yelled, and gave her a bit of a scare.
''No. I just made a mistake, and fixed it. I would never think something like that about you. Kanji... you are... really kind, and I am very...glad about that.'' she said awkwardly, still shocked by his sudden change of mood.
If something got stuck to his head, it was really hard to get it out.
''That's some sweet bullshit to reject me. As a friend, I mean.'' he clenched his teeth and pulled his fists. ''Come on, bring it on! Reject me if you want! Cast your Megidolaon! I'm not afraid anymore!''
'' I said I'm sorry, and I mean it. Please, we both need to calm down, Kanji. Last time I saw, there was no battle. Only two friends exchanging gifts.'' she managed to get back his trust, and appeased the thunderstorm of his soul. After all, it was fully understandable why he bore a lightning-based Persona.
''What?'' he remarked in wonder, since the only gifts he could see were the cap and the doll he had offered.
''You gave me a part of you. Then I want you to have a part of me as well. '' Naoto offered her old cap to Kanji, and wore the new one in her head.
It was the greatest joy of the world, yet Kanji felt he couldn't deprive her of that.
''I... I can't accept it! This is your favourite thing. You're really attached to it. No no, I can't take it, sorry.''
''If you can't accept my gift, then I'm afraid I will have to decline yours, too.'' she insisted on him taking her most beloved possession.
XXX
''Kanji. I really want to go out more often with you. It is just my belief that loving someone takes time, as you get to know him better. This is not a rejection... It's just that... I never questioned myself into such matters, on the grounds that I highly detested the idea of being a woman.'' she lowered her head, and remembered the time she was held captive in the secret laboratory of the TV world, where her shadow had dwelled in.
''Naoto... did you really want to have a sex-changing operation like your shadow implied?'' Kanji asked out of the blue, though he knew he had made the greatest mistake of his entire life by reminding her of the events at the secret laboratory.
Great minds think alike...
''You were there, and witnessed everything. The answer is... yes. My shadow was right.'' she said timidly, eyes downcast on the ground, while she went on to explain herself.
''I always thought men were superior to women. They possess strength, deduction, better understanding of maps, navigation and driving skills. Even the greatest chefs all over the world belong to the male gender. And of course... detectives.''
''That's crap.'' he intervened, yet she went on:
'' Come to think of it, the world's greatest detectives were all men. Sherlock Holmes, Hercules Poirot, L Lawliet... and many others to be mentioned.
There is also the Shirogane tradition over my family- my great great grandfather, and so on, until I was brought to life. I thought my being born as a woman would break the chain, and I could not come up to their expectations. ''
''So that's why you wanted so bad to become a man?'' he commented her statement, and she sighed in bitterness.
''No, that was just the tip of the iceberg. Having faced my Shadow self and forging a bond with Yu has helped me come to terms with my gender, and my joy of being a detective. Yet, there is a fact which I cannot change:
One day, I will have to make a family of my own, and as a woman the children will not be named after me... Thus, the Shirogane lineage will be lost forever in time... That was the real reason I wanted to be a man: to honour the family's name, and maintain the tradition.''
''I see.'' Kanji retorted to her, expressing his understanding. Yet he found her issue of no great importance and could but speak his mind openly.
''There is always the option of naming the kids after yourself.'' he offered an alternative, radical path, though she seemed to decline.
''That is against the society rules. My children might be falsely marked as illegitimate, and that would only disgrace my ancestors...'' she opposed him in her swift logic.
''Screw society and their f**cking rules. You know what? Society is always there to spread false rumours and criticise you, accuse you and offend you, but they never give you a hand when you are in need. Look at me.'' she ordered her and she gazed at him.
''I always liked doing things a guy shouldn't in the eyes of society. I liked sewing, knitting, making dolls. Society made me believe I wasn't really a man because I was different. Taylors and fashion designers are supposed to be gays, and gays are despised. And soon, both girls and boys were keeping distances from me, as if I was sick or something.
I tried going against the flow to prove I am a tough guy, so I got the piercings, bleached my hair and built up some muscles. They said girls always liked strong and bad guys who opposed the system. Still, I was not accepted by them. That's also when I thought...'' he hesitated to go on, since Naoto didn't know that much about what happened with his shadow self.
''You believed society was right in the first place, so you wondered if you really preferred guys over girls...'' she added on his thoughts.
''Yeah. That's why I appeared on the Midnight channel as a nude guy in a steamy bathhouse, looking for a dude...Damn it!'' he punched the table, embarrassed at the same time.
''The others still make fun of me because of that, and I get really mad at myself.
But you know something: after meeting you, I realised it wasn't about guys or chicks. Society had made me reject myself because of those shit, and then feared I would always be rejected by anyone.
You... you made me realise what it feels like being a real man, by admitting to my feelings, and facing my fear. So screw the rules. Live your life the way you want. It is up to you to become who you want, and do whatever you please with your own children.'' he cheered her up, and made her understand that maybe he was right about everything.
''I will take that into consideration. Besides, there is still plenty of time ahead before having a family...'' she seemed to agree with him, though she seemed more optimistic than ever.
''Just so you know: if we were to have any kids, I'd like them to take both names.'' there he shocked her, thus he broke the ice by saying:
''Just kidding.'' he rubbed his head, but it seems she wasn't that negative at all, given the fact she had moved a bit closer to him, causing his spine to shiver.
''Let's enjoy the present, and see what the future will bring to us.'' she smiled, and her eyes were sparkling from happiness.
''Are you sure you still don't want the cap? Cause I'm taking it for good!'' he made an attempt to lighten the atmosphere, while the rain was beginning to fade.
''No, I haven't changed my mind. It is yours now.'' she touched gently his arm, and he felt a rapid increase in his temperature, as if he was about to have a fever.
''Th…ank you.'' he had difficulty in keeping a stable voice.
''Are you ok? Did you catch a cold?'' she noticed immediately.
''No, it's… the distance…!'' he let it go.
''I think you should get used to this, if we were to become more…intimate.'' she blushed at the last word.
Fortunately, Naoto's phone came to the rescue, and the number was known. She put the megaphone on.
''Hello Naoto, it's me, Rise.''
''Hello, how are you?'' she replied in a polite manner.
''You tell me! Did everything go well?''
''Yes, the outcome was…surprising.''
''I'm glad you listened to me and came to school after work, just as I told you!'' she chuckled.
Damned Rise, Kanji thought from the inside. It seemed she could never keep her mouth shut. At least, she stuck to her promise not to reveal anything to Naoto about the gifts.
''I agree with that.'' Naoto lifted Kanji's spirit to the heavens with her reply to Rise.
''Kanji's so deep into you! Don't judge him by his tough appearance. He's a good kid, and you can turn him normal.'' Naoto was petrified.
''What did you say?'' Kanji growled like a wild boar, and Rise lost the earth beneath her feet.
'' Kanji's listening?'' she exclaimed, thereafter tried to distract him.
''It's so romantic you're still together!''
''Hey, I ain't falling for this. What do you meant earlier about Naoto making me ''normal''?'' Kanji was as berserk as ever.
''No no, it wasn't really me, Yosuke told me that, he's here. And guess what, Teddie's here, too, and the others.''
''OK, tell me where you are, and I'm going to beat Yosuke to the ground. I'll cut him to pieces, turn him to chopsticks, butcher…'' his sentence was interrupted.
''Just stay where you are! Love birds should be alone for a while.'' Yosuke tried to avoid Kanji's arrival onto his place, otherwise he would be in hot water.
''Naoto-san, I'm so glad you managed to score a stud!'' Teddie was heard in such a merry tone, while the sound of a slap interrupted the rest of his talking.
''Oh, that must be Yukiko. She's got a thing with that expression. I think it has to do with her shadow.'' Kanji explained to Naoto.
''You should have seen yourself back in that bathhouse! You wanted to score a stud, too!'' Chie came to Yukiko's defense, then left a shriek of pain. Seemed like Yukiko was really pissed, and had pulled Chie's hair.
''But my strip show was the best, wasn't it, Kanji-kun? Oops!'' Rise was reckless, and the phone hung up out of the blue. Seems like a ruckus on the other side of the line resulted in the end of the call.
Fine, Naoto finally had a better idea of the events that happened before her own, and indeed all cases were related to some sort of ''sexual'' issues. Nanako was the exception to the rule, simply because she was very young to have questioned herself about such matters. Therefore, Naoto was not the only one. It also felt like the companionship still had to settle matters with the aspects of themselves that had been exposed.
''Naoto…'' Kanji tried to the best of his abilities to be calm.
''Is it true Rise adviced you to come after practice clubs were done?''
''Yes, but even if it wasn't for her, I would have come to the textile shop. I've been… missing you those days.'' she lowered her head.
''Really?'' he was taken aback, though he already knew the facts by his mother.
''I can't be more true to myself.'' she admitted.
''And the worst part is that… it's getting late.'' she sighed.
''Don't worry, I'm gonna take you home. You'll be safe with me.'' he showed off his fists, until the table was broken.
Hell, he really overdid it this time, and both of them became silent.
XXX
''Let's do this again.'' She suggested with a warm smile, and he felt his heart would stop beating.
''Well… there is something more. Can you…?'' she began to feel uneasy, yet she really wanted to do it. The only problem was… well… their height difference, so they might as well share the distance.
''What? Tell me!'' he tried to encourage her.
''Just… lower your body so I can… reach you.'' she almost hid her eyes with her new cap.
Kanji was terrified at the thought. Did she really mean to…?
She stood on her toes, like a fine dancing ballerina, and her face got closer to his cheek. He was utterly shocked, and felt like his heart was about to explode, while his body was set on fire. Since when did Naoto learn Agidyne? He wondered, and then gasped for air.
''I hope this is enough… for now…'' she could barely look at him after that. Maybe she was feeling the same, to a lower degree perhaps but… it was something, too.
''Naoto… I… love you.'' he said before waving goodbye for the time being.
He was content with her soft velvet lips touching him, and asked no more.
The sensation was thrilling, enchanting, soothing and… maybe explosive.
That was it…
The perfect name to describe the impact of her kiss…
Megidolaon
A.N. I've got to admit, the first time I thought of Kanji asking Naoto to ''Megidolaon'' him, I was laughing my head off, so that counts as my favorite line.
Well, if you came that far and managed to finish this, it means you could leave me a comment as well. :D
Thank you.