Leaving the World Behind
~phoenixstar
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing or any of
the characters.
This is
an idea that I've had for a while but never got round to putting
down. I was listening to the song
'Cedar Room' by the Doves and it reminded me a lot of Heero and
Relena's relationship, and how it is portrayed in a lot of fics. The song its self is really
beautiful. I don't have the
cd so and spent two hours looking for the lyrics on the internet and still
didn't find them so I sat down and tried my best to listen and write them
down. I am pretty sure I
didn't get them all right, but its close enough and they fit the song (so
don't flame me if you're a fan of the Doves, because I am too! But
if someone has the actually lyrics it would be great if you could email them to
me and I could edit this!) Anyways
here goes my first attempt at a HY/RP fic! (reviews please!)
~~~~~
[Relena]
Stars
in the morning
Sneak
cross my view
I close the door
behind me, sighing as I hear the lock click into place. I lean against the study door, and
slide my back down it until I am sitting on the floor. I had just returned from a meeting, the
same one I go to day in and day out, same old same old. I love the people, my people, but I
can't take this anymore. I
can't stand having to jump from one to perch to another to protect them,
while they fight and grab, trying to pull me down. I want to help, but how can I help them if I am losing my
conviction. I believe in peace,
but I don't think I can bring it. Not to this world, not in this life.
Don't
let them come round here
And
call to you
I sit there with my
head in my hands. I want to cry,
cry because I am weak, and am giving in to all these pressures. I am stronger than crying and
self-pity. I want to scream,
scream at them, scolding them for their childish and mindless bickering. I will not scream, for screaming will
only fuel the chaos. I want to
laugh, it's so pointless, and they all want the same thing but are too
proud to see it. I will not laugh
because laughter will hurt their feelings. I want to lash out, punching and kicking, and make the
world see my pain and torment. But
what I suffer is on their behalf, so they won't have to. I want him. But I can't. My wants are immaterial. So
I sit there and just look, at nothing in particular, just looking.
I
didn't notice
So I
cried to you
[Heero]
I
didn't notice
It's
a crime to feel
I followed her home
from the conference. I watched her
there and could feel the pain in my heart every time she lifted her tired
eyes. They were true and honest
eyes, but they were losing their shine and energy. She still believed her ideas, and so did all the people who
saw how genuine she was, but she has lost the enthusiasm and will to make them
listen. It hurts to see her
suffer; she is too young to do this. Did she ever have any choice?
I snuck up to her
balcony. I had been there before,
she never knew I had, but it was for the better. She didn't need to be babied by anyone, especially
me. I stood there on her balcony,
the moonlight pouring over my shoulder into her room. I watched as she entered. Alone. I noted
with pride that she locked the door behind her. She could take care of herself. But when she sat there, looking blankly outwards, towards
me, unseeing, that I could see the pain in her eyes. The same pain when she had spoken earlier, it had just been
better masked before. I stood
frozen, watching her.
[Relena]
Sitting there I
realised how painfully uncomfortable these clothes were. Peace is an idea, not a costume. I don't understand why they make
me wear it, but if protocol calls for it, I am not about to cause an unneeded
disturbance. I stand, my legs are
shaky, but its only because I am tired.
I walk over to my
closet and open its great doors. When I look inside the sight of all the uniforms and hardly used clothes
brings a tear to my eye. These
were not meant for me. I slowly
step into the small sub room and change into some jeans and a large comfy
sweater. I re-emerge feeling a
good deal more comfortable then before, if only physically. I walk over to my vanity set and sit
down on the bench. I look into the
mirror as I pull my hair out of its bun and let it fall down my back. As I brush my hair absently I look at
the reflection, and a different girl looks back. She isn't me, not the real me, she is the symbol of
peace, I am just Relena. I sit
there and let my head fall into my hands. What now?
And I
tried to sleep alone
But I
couldn't do it
You
could be sitting next to me
And I
wouldn't know it
[Heero]
I watched her get up
and unsteadily make her way to her closet. I turned my head, seeing what her intention was. When I was sure that she was finished
changed I looked back into her room. She was sitting there looking into her mirror. The torment that plagued her face as she looked at her
reflection tore at me again. I
could see she was losing. Losing
her battle against the fighting, against love, and against life.
If I
told you, you was wrong…
I don't remember
saying…. I don't remember saying…
I watched still frozen as
she sat there. I watch as a single tear fell from her lashes. I watch as it runs down her cheek,
leaving a silver trail. I watch as
she just sits there. She looks so
empty. How did this happen?
I'll
be your shadow
In the cedar room
She reached out
beside her mirror and pulled to her chest a teddy bear, my teddy bear, the teddy
bear I gave her before I disappeared. Why does she still have it? Why does she still care? Why do I care? I am here so
I figure I must care, but looking at her I feel more. It hurts to see the person who bravely stands up against any
threat to defend her principles break down and sob like this. And for the first time since I left, I
truly regret leaving her so. I've been here, but I haven't been there for her.
And
leave just a memory
Along with you
[Relena]
Beside my mirror I
see the teddy bear he left. I look
at it a moment or two. It's
all that I have left of him, and our time together, however brief it was. It was our time. Perhaps I never had the time to make
him understand or show him how I felt. I cry into the bear, holding it close to my chest, letting it absorb the
tears as it had so many times before. I let myself believe it's his way of comforting me, his training
not allowing him to do so himself. But it has been so long that the illusion is wearing thin. I lost, and am losing now. I can't take it anymore and so I
cry harder into the bear, clutching it tightly as though it were he. This time I wont make the same mistake. This time I wont let go.
The others told me to
not think about him when he left. Some seemed confident that it was sign he had changed in his ways
although he would never show it, that he would come back to me. Others told me that it was his way of
saying good-bye but that my efforts did not go unnoticed. I didn't listen to most. I wanted him to come back, and so my
heart followed my dreams, and that is what pulled me through. But now I am starting to believe
them. "You never meant to
come back did you?" I cry
harder.
I
didn't see them
So I
called too soon
I
couldn't see them
So I called to you
[Heero]
I watch, pained as
she cries. I could see it in her
eyes, but now I can see it in her heart. I hear her whisper, barely audible over her broken sobs, "You
never meant to come back did you?" Now I regret
even more hiding all this time from her. But didn't she know me better. Didn't she know that I couldn't come back? I watch over her, that's my way
of showing I care, that I care about peace, and that I care about her.
[Relena]
And I
tried to sleep alone
But I couldn't do
it
I bet he has
changed. Maybe he is the same
person on the outside, but I think he had changed. But if I ever see him again will I recognise him? Will he care?
You
could be sitting next to me
And I wouldn't
know it
"I never wanted
to do it without you. You said you
would protect me. You were my
strength…"
[Heero]
If I told you, you was
wrong…
I
don't remember saying…. I don't remember saying…
Her words hurt
me. I couldn't mean that
much to her. Its been so long she
should have forgotten but why hasn't she? I watch as she pulls her bag from her desk and empty it,
letting the contents falls to the floor. I witness the papers, all her work, fly around her settling in a messy
pile at her feet. She quickly
shoves some clothes and other necessities in it and sits on the end of the bed
and looks across at the teddy bear.
"I know I never
showed you but I thought you must have known. I guess I was wrong, but I still don't want to believe
it. I know you aren't here
right now, so I'll never have the chance to tell you. Perhaps I will find you some day, then
again, I don't know if I will want to. It hurts. I
don't blame you, how could I? But it hurts all the same. And I can't stay here anymore. I guess, when I leave this will be my good-bye to you. I never had the chance really, but you
managed, and so will I. I loved
you. I love you still. I always
will."
Her words
strike a chord within me and I know I feel the same way about her. I guess I lost my chance. Too little too late. I watch as she swings the bag onto her
back and grabs the teddy bear. She
watches it hesitantly for a few moments, looking like she isn't sure whether
to grasp it tighter or put it back down. I just watch.
[Relena]
I hold the teddy in
front of me. It is the symbol of
my love for Heero and I realise that I can't leave it behind. I can't leave him behind. I turn and walk slowly towards the
balcony, taking in these last glimpses of my room, and this life. I look at the bare walls and empty
space.
And I
tried to sleep alone
But I couldn't do
it
Taking one last
breath I step out onto the balcony and close the door behind me. I close the door on the leader and
politician and step out into my new life. It is lonely already, although I am but feet from the comforts of the
mansion. They will miss me and
they will search for me. They will
cry at their loss, but I have cried for mine as well. I make my way down the stairs and into the garden. Wherever he is, I hope he will wait for
me.
You
could be sitting next to me
And I
wouldn't know it
[Heero]
I watch her step out
into the moonlight basked garden. She looks so beautiful yet lost. I know enough to learn from my mistakes, and so I follow, not as her guard
but as Heero Yuy, her friend, maybe more. She stops suddenly but I do not. I step out do she can see me. She spins round to face me when he hears the sound of my footsteps. He mouth opens in shock but her eyes
can't hide the pain.
If I told you, you was
wrong…
I step forward and
take her hands in mine and simply look into her eyes. Something passes between us. I understand. We say nothing.
I don't remember
saying…. I don't remember saying…
I grab her hand and
head off towards the woods on the other side of the garden, away from her
house. I see it in her eyes
now. Our pain is less.
And
together we leave the world behind.