When You Think of Me

By Lady Lupin

A/N:  *peeks around a corner looking out for crazed reviewers* Um…yea.  Ok ok I know it's been 8 months.  I know I deserve public flogging or something equally torturous.  And I know that you all are sick of the school excuse.  But that is the reason.  Junior year is loads of work, and for once my social life has been actually active…and my friends want me there.  So I apologize.  And I guess I wont make any more excuses.  Enjoy the songfic, as I actually like how this one turned out.

Disclaimer:  Harry Potter belongs to JKR, and I wouldn't dream of saying it was mine, especially now when we finally know when the books coming out.  Anya however belongs to me, and would probably curse anyone into oblivion if they suggest that Harry belongs to anyone else but her…lol.

The song "When You Think of Me" belongs to Mark Wills.

I closed my trunk soundlessly, and looked around the room.  It was almost totally empty, save for myself, and my best friend, who was asleep.  The room however was made for five.  I grimaced at the reasons why it was empty.  It was my fault.  It was always my fault.  I was the reason why so many dorms at Hogwarts were inadequately filled.  I took a deep shuddering breath as I prepared myself for what I was about to do.  I looked over at Ron and a ghost of a smiled appeared.  He would be fine.  He was stronger than he believed, and totally capable. In many ways he was stronger than I.  I would miss him badly, and I wish I could say good-bye face to face.  But he would want to come.  And so I have leave with no warning.  I've left him my account to Gringotts.  I know he won't use it now, but hopefully he will later.  I have to leave him something.  I lifted my rucksack off the bed and walked silently to the door.  I turned back to make sure the letter I had written for him was there.  And it was, sitting innocently, showing no trace that it was there.  He won't even notice it until I'm too far-gone for him to find me.  Hermione's too, will do that.  I've already left hers in the Head Girl room, and told her that she may have all of my books.  I'm sure she really doesn't need them, but there are a few in there that only I have seen.  Some from Sirius and Remus that I'm sure she will love.  Both of their letters explain why I'm going.  Why have to be alone when I go.  Hermione will be both angry and worried. Ron, I'm sure, will go into a fit of rage, and then immediately try to follow me.  But nothing they do will find me.  Sirius taught me a spell to hide myself from all locator charms.  And I've taken other precautions.  I won't be found.  In the letters I asked them both not to tell Sirius.  I have to do that myself, in a letter I can't bear writing, not until I've actually done it, and am truly far away.  Because I'm sure that he and Remus are the ones who would be able to find me, if they knew soon enough. 

As I head into the common room, I dread what I'm about to do most.  There's one more letter that I have to deliver, one that may be my undoing.  It's for her.  Anya.  As I reach the Common Room, I stop and check my rucksack.  It's been made bottomless.  Inside are my clothes, my dad's Cloak, my Firebolt, pictures of my parents, and the pictures of our school years.  Those are to be left here; with Anya.  Also the Marauder's map's to stay, which I told her in the letter to give to her brother and cousin.  I know that they will make good use of it.  I reach in and take out the letter I've written for her.  It has taken me five days.  I don't know how many times I have rewritten it.  But finally last night I made it as close to what I want to tell her as I'm gonna get.

So now I have to go.  Before I chicken out.  Before someone else is hurt.  With a deep breath I run up the stairs to the girls dormitories.   Slowly I open the door marked 7th years and look around.  I see her bed along side the far wall, next to the window.  The room was marked seventh years, but it actually held 6th years too, as there were so few of each.  I slipped in the room, tiptoeing over to her bed, hoping that all the girls were heavy sleepers.

You look so peaceful sleeping.

You don't know that I'm leaving, but I'm gone.

I look down on her and smile.  She looks good when she's asleep.  The constant stress that we have been under melts away from her face as she rests.  She has no idea that she may never see me again.  I'm not sure I can do this.

Well I did my best to beat em'
But in my head the demon said move on

I shake my head and a tear slips down my cheek as I think back to everything that has happened over the past year.  The deaths, and all the people becoming orphans…No matter how you look at it, from every angle it is my doing.  If I weren't around they would be alive.  Period.  I should have listened to myself when it began.  A tiny voice in my head told me to confront him then.  But I thought that if I could stay and learn more, and fight from afar that we could stop things.  But I was wrong.  That voice was right.  If I don't go now, there won't be any wizards or witches left of my generation.

When you wake up you're gonna curse my name
But as some time goes by I hope and pray

My thoughts shift back to her as I reminisce.  I can just imagine her reaction once they find out.  I know that she will be cursing my name every chance she gets for the next month.  But hopefully when the anger starts to fade, she will understand.
 
When you think of me
Remember the way that I used to be
Remember the times I held you tenderly
Remember the way that I love you
 
I hope that she won't despair, and that she'll remember how I used to be.  My talent on the pitch.  Our small competition to be best in Defense, how I could mock Ron word for word and how she could do the same for Hermione.  The chemistry we had and how I could almost read her mind and she mine.  I hope she'll remember all the time we spent in front of the fire, just sitting there, wrapped up in each other's arms as we mourned for our fallen classmates.  And most of all I hope she remembers how much I love her, so much that it hurts sometimes, and the fact that I swore to always love her.


I think about the night I met you
I swore I'd never forget you
Well I won't.

Setting the letter down on her bedside table my thoughts drift to our first meeting.  Remus and Sirius had been on a mission for the Order, and then surprisingly brought back with them five people.  People who were closely connected to me.  One was my godmother, Remus' wife and Sirius' twin sister.  Another was Sirius' fiancée.  And their sons, Orion Black, and Romulus Lupin.  And her.  Anastasia Lupin.  My Anya.  I knew the moment that she looked into my eyes and recognized me by my resemblance to my parents and not the damn scar, that she was special.  She just looked at my eyes and hair and said, amazed, "My goodness…you look just like James Potter… but you have Lily Potter's eyes.  How extraordinary.  You must be Harry."  Her eyes never raked my hairline, never once even glanced at my scar.  It was the first time I could remember anyone noticing me for a reason other than that bloody scar.  I swore right then that I would never forget her.  And I know I won't.  You just don't forget someone like her; so full of love and life and charisma.


I think about the way you'll live and breathe
inside my dreams forever
You'll be better when I'm gone

You'll be better when I'm gone

She'll always be with me.  Not physically, I like I wish for, but spiritually.  I know I'll see her in my dreams for as long as I live.  She's all I ever wanted.  But she'll be better off without me.  I bring death and destruction wherever I go.  And without me around she will be safe, able to move on.


Cuz I know you're gonna fall in love again
I'm sorry this is how it has to end

I know she'll find love.  She has such a strong spirit that it's impossible not to love her.  And though it kills me to think of her loving someone else, I know it will happen.  She's too great for it not to happen.  I'm just so sorry this is how it ends.  I love her so much and walking away without a word is impossibly tough.  I wish I could never leave her.  But I guess it wasn't meant to be.  Because I'm fairly sure I won't be coming back.


Remember the way that I used to be
Remember the times I held you tenderly
Remember the way that I love you
Oh, when you think of me

But I hope to God that she'll always remember me.  As strongly as I'll remember her.


As I pick up this bag and turn around
I say a little prayer and hope somehow

When you think of me
Remember the way that I used to be
Remember the times I held you tenderly
Remember the way that I love you

Sighing dejectedly I pick up my rucksack and turn towards the door, tears flowing freely down my face.  I turn and look back at her one last time.  I then resolutely walk out, all the way hoping that she will always remember me, and our love, and how I was always there for her and she for me.

Because I know I will.

Now please, if you have any decency you will review.  I don't even care if you say it's crap…just tell me what you think.  Plus keep an eye out for some new stuff…