Introduction
Title:
'Creatures of the Night'
Author:
Lady Rathe
Summary:
There is a Death Eater gathering *cough*orgy*cough* at Malfoy Manor, and not all goes to plan. Who is that strange man in the Jacuzzi? Who refuses to play musical chairs? And most importantly, who ate all the pies? The answers lie within.
Rating:
PG-13 for naughtiness (particularly at the beginning), some strong but infrequent swearing and some references to moustaches. Oh yes, and also some mention of sex and implied Lucius/Snape. Implied.
The Explanation:
This story was written as a present for Raven Herald. It was never intended for the general public, and contains a lot of in-jokes, which is why I have reservations about posting it here. However, I have been informed by several people that it is still an amusing piece of drivel and should be shared. *Shrug* I dunno, this is an experiment, so read it and if you don't mind, tell me if it's funny or if I should keep my odd sense of "humour" to myself. ;)
On the whole, I think that most of the jokes are understandable to non-Herald/Rathe-type people, but just so you know, here are the explanations for two of the most long-running and (probably) confusing jokes:
No. 1 - "Get down there, Narcissa!"
This derives from a conversation I once had with Raven Herald about Malfoys and bondage. I vaguely remember saying something about Lucius keeping Narcissa locked up in the basement until he needed her, which is where the "down there" bit comes in. :) I cannot exactly pinpoint when we began using the phrase, but I do remember that at my eighteenth birthday party, someone made a cracking whip sound and impulsively, Herald and I both cried: "Get down there Narcissa!" and from that moment on, Lucius was never without a whip, nor a whip without the phrase.
No. 2 - The Jacuzzi/Brian Warner
Brian Warner, for those of you who don't know, is Marilyn Manson's real name. The Jacuzzi was actually part of a (very non-sexual, I'll have you know!) fantasy I once had, involving Snape, Lucius, and a couple of (LotR) Elves I fancied at the time. Brian Warner came to be associated with the Jacuzzi after he was filmed poncing around in one for his 'Tainted Love' video. Herald and I joked that he had "borrowed" it from Snape and Lucius, and I enjoyed the mental image of the HP characters standing at the edge of the Jacuzzi, waiting impatiently for the weird bloke with the tattoos to get the hell out. LOL! *Ahem* Well, I thought it was funny. *Runs away*
Yes, yes, I'll shut up now. :p
Disclaimer:
Lucius Malfoy, Severus Snape and all of the other Death Eaters (with the exception of Cookie Dolohov, who is my own concoction), belong to J K Rowling.
Legolas and Haldir belong to J R Tolkien.
Brian Warner belongs to himself.
Please, don't ANY of you sue me. I'm a vegetarian. :p
I own nothing, I owe everything.
Onward...
~o~o~O~o~o~
Creatures Of The Night
As the sun sank progressively over the horizon, drawing another fine, summers day to an end, as darkness and shadow consumed the land, bringing serenity and slumber to those who lived by light, the creatures of the night came out to play.
The feral foxes emerged from the countryside to stalk the streets of the city, to rummage in dustbins and occasionally startle a domestic cat perched idly upon a garden wall. The rats crawled out from the sewer pipes to forage amongst the waste and filth created by the city's human inhabitants whilst the owls hovered above, watching them hungrily.
Meanwhile, in a remote rural area located on the outskirts of the city and hidden by tall, sprawling trees; a large, stately manor house resounded with the lusty call of the most illustrious nocturnal creature in known existence: the Malfoy.
"Get down there, Narcissa!" Lucius Malfoy growled, cracking his whip loudly.
Narcissa Malfoy frowned disapprovingly at her husband. "In front of all these people, dear?" She waved her hand to indicate the twenty or so persons seated about the room, watching her intently.
"I SAID GET DOWN THERE, BITCH!" Lucius cracked his whip again. "You too, Bellatrix!" Lucius beckoned to a dark-haired woman sitting in a chair about five feet away from him. She was trying to explain to a broad, muscular man with a moustache why she had turned up to the party wearing only her underwear. "On your knees!" Lucius told her.
All of the men present edged closer to get a better view whilst the women sniggered scornfully behind their hands and gave each other meaningful looks.
"Begin." Lucius instructed the two women crouched on the floor before him. Everyone in the room gasped.
"Oooh! I say!" Rookwood exclaimed, leaning so far forward on his armchair that he was in danger of falling right off.
"Merlin's beard!" Avery gasped, pulling at the collar of his robe as if it were suffocating him. "That Narcissa is a sport."
"Phoar!" Said Crabbe and Goyle together, grinning stupidly and drooling ever so slightly.
"That's it, Narcissa, cram the whole thing into your mouth..." Lucius spoke words of encouragement to his wife. "Very good! Oh! Very good!! Faster! FASTER!!!"
"Get a move on, Bella!" Rodolphus Lestrange yelled at his wife. "I have fifty galleons riding on this!"
Bellatrix, however, had collapsed.
"Ladies and gentlemen!" Lucius cried ecstatically. "I think we have reached a climax!!" He glanced downwards at Narcissa whose hands and mouth were still very busy. "You can stop now, dear." He told her patronisingly. "Severus, have you been keeping score?"
A pale, greasy man standing nearby holding a quill and a piece of parchment gave a single nod of assent.
"Well?" Lucius implored.
Severus cleared his throat. "It would appear that Mrs. Malfoy possesses a little more skill when it comes to - ah - this sort of activity. She has consumed thirty-four whilst Mrs. Lestrange has merely managed twenty-five."
Lucius Malfoy smiled smugly and turned to address the crowd. "Attention everyone! The winner of the Pie-Eating competition is my wife, Narcissa Malfoy! Rodolphus, you owe me fifty galleons!"
"Shit." Lestrange said passionately.
"As for the prizes," Lucius continued, "Narcissa shall receive hers later, provided that she behaves herself tonight." He paused briefly to give his wife a stern look. "And Bellatrix receives the consolation prize of an ornamental and highly collectable taxidermied muggle."
There were scattered "Ooohs" and "Aaaahs" from the crowd.
"Now, my friends, please disperse to the dining room for a game of musical chairs while I summon the House-Elf to clean up this mess on the floor."
As the guests filed out of the drawing room, the Malfoys remained to see to the aftermath of the Pie-Eating competition. Narcissa bent over Bellatrix and tried to prod her awake while Lucius attempted to summon a House-Elf.
"Dobby! Dobby, I say!!" He hollered. "Where the deuce is that blasted Elf?"
"Uh, correct me if I am wrong, dear," Narcissa ventured, "but was Dobby the House-Elf not - ah - relieved of his duties quite some time ago?"
Lucius gave a derisive snort. "I forget." He said. "What is the name of the new fellow? Um... Le - Legolas? Legolas!!"
No sooner had he called the name than the tall, blond-haired Elf carrying a bow, some arrows and a toilet plunger appeared in the doorway.
"Legolas was unblocking the lavatory, sir." He said. "But Legolas is hearing master call, so he comes, sir."
"Clean this mess up." Said Lucius coldly, pointing to the pie crumbs littering the carpet. "And tell your friend, the laundry Elf..."
"Haldir. Haldir is being the laundry Elf's name, sir." Legolas supplied helpfully.
"Whatever." Lucius waved his hand imperiously. "Tell him to escort Mrs. Malfoy and her sister to the basement and tell him to lock them in."
Narcissa spun around at the mention of her name and took a few steps towards her husband. She looked most agitated.
"Lucius, darling husband..." Her voice was shaking slightly. "Surely you are not going to send Bella and I to the basement? Not - not tonight?" She gazed up at him with watery, pleading eyes and an anguished expression upon her pretty face.
"Now now, Narcissa." Lucius drawled, grasping her chin between his thumb and forefinger, forcing her to look directly into his eyes. "Don't be such a disobedient little whore, hmm? If you fail to do as I instruct, I will be very angry, and you don't like it when I'm angry, do you?"
Narcissa shook her head.
"Good girl." Lucius' lips curled into an unpleasant smile. He reached inside his robes and pulled out his whip. "Now my dear, I do believe that you and your sister have somewhere else to be." The whip cracked. "Get down there, Narcissa!"
o~o~o~O~o~o~o
Lucius entered the dining room halfway through a game of musical chairs. Most of the Death Eaters and their wives were prancing around the room, moving to the rhythm of some very sprightly music. Every minute or so, the music would stop and everyone would clamber desperately towards a chair. The advantage of course, was that these people were wizards and could not only shove, kick, bite and punch their opponents out of the way, but could also physically immobilise them, cause bodily disfigurement, alter their minds and memories, torture them or even kill them with one, simple word. Needless to say, they were having a lot of fun.
The guests who had already been declared 'out' of the game and the ones who had refused to participate in the first place stood around the edges of the room, sipping beverages and watching the mayhem taking place before them. Lucius approached a group of friends who were standing, conversing idly in the far left-hand corner of the room and offered them each a Tic-Tac.
"No thank-you, Luc." Avery politely declined, then changed the subject abruptly. "So, is the Dark Lord coming tonight?"
Severus Snape and Walden Macnair, the other two men standing in the group, suddenly had their attention arrested by this question and both turned to regard Lucius with new interest.
"I am afraid not, Avery. The Dark Lord had to regrettably decline my invitation due to a prior commitment." Said Lucius.
"Prior commitment?" Avery raised his eyebrows. "What sort of prior commitment?"
"He told me that he was washing his hair." Lucius replied.
"Oh."
"Does the Dark Lord have hair?" Macnair asked, scratching his head. Everyone else ignored him.
"What about that little Wormtail git?" Avery asked, nudging Lucius' arm. "Should we expect him to turn up later or did you not bother to invite him?"
Macnair sniggered. Snape looked rather ill.
"Oh, I invited him." Lucius drawled on. "But Pettigrew also had prior commitments."
"Such as...?"
"He was going to wash the Dark Lord's hair."
"Oh."
"And then, he was going to wax his bikini line."
"The Dark Lord's or his own?" Macnair asked curiously.
"Shut up, fool." Snape snapped, unable to contain his disgust.
"You're a fucking queer, Macnair! And your moustache always has bits of food in it." Avery told him, firmly.
"Oh... yeah?!" Macnair profoundly retorted.
Sensing an impending argument, Lucius decided that he had best leave the two Death Eaters alone to sort out their differences. He seized Snape by the elbow and began to steer him away. Snape offered little resistance.
Once they were out of earshot, Lucius gave Snape a weak smile. "A bit immature, those two, aren't they?"
"Hmmph." Said Snape, looking over his shoulder at the gaggle of over-excited Death Eaters, dancing around a small line of chairs.
Lucius watched the game for a few minutes too and then turned to Snape with a heavy sigh. "I wish the Dark Lord could have come tonight." He said unhappily. "He loves this game."
"Hmmph."
"So how have you been, Severus old boy?" Lucius asked politely. "Living in that dungeon of yours, I mean, and teaching those... children."
"Dismal." Snape replied.
Lucius nodded grimly. "You should come over here some evenings Sev, when you have nothing better to do. Narcissa and I would be glad to have you."
"I don't really do dinner these days, Lucius." Said Snape, almost apologetically.
"Who said anything about dinner?" Lucius grinned, his eyes glittering insidiously and his eyebrows waggling suggestively.
Snape shuddered.
Lucius had opened his mouth to say something but was interrupted by the sudden reappearance of Legolas the House-Elf. "What is it?" He asked the Elf irritably.
"Legolas has come to tell Master that he has cleaned up the mess in the drawing room and that Mistress Malfoy and her sister have been successfully detained. Legolas has also unblocked the lavatory and made a bowl of punch, sir." He smiled widely, apparently expecting some sort of praise. He was a newcomer to the Malfoy's employ; he had a lot to learn.
Lucius Malfoy stared at the Elf as if he were something unpleasant on the bottom of his shoe. "And what do you want? A medal?" He snarled. "A pat on the back? A - " He could not help but snort with a laughter, "- thank-you?"
Legolas looked downcast.
"If you wish to remain a servant in this household, I suggest that you - "
"Oh! How utterly adorable!!"
Lucius' vision of Legolas was suddenly obscured by a rather corpulent woman in magenta robes who had dashed forwards and flung her arms around the Elf, enveloping him in a bone-crushing hug. "What an extraordinarily handsome creature you are!" She cried. "I could just eat you up!"
"Often eat whole Elves straight after dinner, do you, Mrs. Dolohov?" Snape murmured, eyeing her round figure.
"Pardon?" The woman immediately released Legolas from her iron grip and turned to face the sour-faced Potions Master. Snape did not have to answer however, as Lucius quickly cut in.
"Hello, Cookie! How are you, my dear? Having a good time?"
'Cookie' Dolohov, preoccupied with the gorgeous blond Elf, had completely overlooked Lucius before. Now however, she realised his presence and after favouring him with her most radiant smile, had her flabby arms around him in an instant.
"Oh Lucius! Sweetie! Darling! It's fabulous to see you again, simply fabulous!" She released the breathless Malfoy and took a step back, surveying him. "Hmm, you've lost weight since last I saw you." She said critically.
Snape snorted.
"You do look in good health, however, and you smell nice too." She continued, ignoring him. "Yes, I am quite well, thank-you, and your party has been most agreeable, although I am rather disappointed, for I have not had the pleasure of little Draco's company this evening. Where is the little tyke, Lucius?"
"Little Draco, who is fifteen now by the way, is currently upstairs in his bedroom. I did not think it... appropriate for him to attend the festivities tonight."
"Ah, past his bedtime, is it?" Cookie deduced.
"Yes." Lucius lied.
Legolas seemed rather perplexed with the outcome of this conversation. "But Master!" He tugged urgently at Lucius' sleeve. "I is thinking that you wanted Master Draco punished for dressing up in Mistress Malfoy's clothes? Legolas is all confused, sir. I thought you is telling me to confiscate the knickers and stockings and lock Master Draco in his room for the rest of the week. Master said nothing about sending him to bed early..."
At that most inopportune moment, the entire room plunged into silence and everyone stared from Legolas to Lucius with expressions of mingled shock and disgust. All that is, except for Severus Snape who was trying his hardest to suppress a smirk.
Lucius' normally pale face had flushed bright red, his grey eyes had grown wide and bulging, the left lower eyelid also having developed a slight tick, and he was making weird choking noises deep inside his throat. It was difficult to tell whether he was about to disembowel the Elf with his bare hands, have a heart attack or cough up a hairball.
After a very long pause, Cookie finally spoke up. "Is this true, Lucius?" She asked.
Lucius opened his mouth to answer, but all that came out was a sort of unintelligible rasping sound.
"Is this true, Elf?" A Death Eater by the name of Nott who was standing nearby asked quietly.
"Certainly, sir!" Legolas looked a little hurt by the question. "Legolas is not telling lies about his family, sir! I is happy to serve the Maloys and keep their most secret secrets. I is not telling untruths about them." He crossed his arms defiantly, frowning slightly.
"Secrets?" Cookie squeaked.
"Yes, Madam. Legolas is keeping many secrets about the Malfoys. He knows that Master Draco still wets the bed and that Master Lucius dyes his hair..." Legolas suddenly gasped loudly and covered his mouth with both hands. He knew that he had said too much.
Lucius was trembling with rage. His hands were balled into fists and a vein on his temple was throbbing dangerously, his perfect teeth were savagely bared. He glared murderously at the House-Elf, whose large, blue eyes had filled with tears.
"I am sorry Master Lucius!" He wailed. "Legolas is a bad bad Elf! He is not worthy of your presence!" He paused, seized an empty wine bottle from a nearby table and began hitting himself with it. "Bad bad bad Legolas! Bad bad bad! Master is good to Legolas... Legolas must punish himself! Legolas must go iron his testicles, sir!" And with that, he dropped the bottle and ran out of the room, tears streaming from his eyes.
Meanwhile, everyone else continued to stare at Lucius with the same shocked expressions, conscious of the fact that he was about to explode in a most ungentlemanly, unsanitary manner.
Fortunately, Lucius managed to restrain himself just in time and did not explode. Instead, he took a deep breath and turned to his audience with the most obviously fake, impossibly wide and embarrassingly cheesy smile ever to painfully pull a muscle in his handsome face. "Ha ha ha. Those House-Elves, eh? What a sense of humour. Ha ha ha." He spoke forcedly through clenched teeth in tones of forged merriment; the smile remained in place.
No one seemed convinced by this pitiful performance.
"So." Lucius continued to speak from behind his teeth. "Who's up for group sex?"
This achieved a much more positive reaction.
o~o~o~O~o~o~o
Two hours and several cleaning spells later, the group of Death Eaters and their spouses found themselves relaxing in the Malfoy's large, luxurious, outdoor Jacuzzi. A House-Elf by the name of Haldir (Legolas was not present as he had a couple of particularly delicate items to iron) was progressively making his way around the edge carrying some cocktail drinks on a large, silver tray.
With a squeal of delight, Cookie Dolohov launched herself at him, sending the tray flying. The drinks spilt and the fine glasses shattered all over the ground.
"Scourgify." Said Snape lazily as he stalked past. The glass shards and pools of alcohol instantly disappeared.
"Cookie, do stop molesting that Elf, and start molesting me instead, damn it." Dimitri Dolohov moaned exasperatedly, beckoning her into the Jacuzzi.
"You've had your turn." She scolded. "Besides, I want to spend some time with this handsome fellow. He is just so - so yummy! I could just..."
"You could just eat him up. Yes, we know." Snape snapped irritably, lowering himself into the hot, bubbling water.
"What, prey tell, is your problem, Severus?" Said Cookie coolly.
"Oh, it's nothing." Lucius answered before Snape had the chance. "He just thinks you're fat, that's all."
Cookie blinked.
Snape scowled at Lucius. "Malfoy, you have all the subtlety of a tap-dancing Hippogriff in a tea shop."
Lucius merely chuckled at his remark. "Severus, my friend, you have a truly dangerous imagination." He then turned away and whistled for the House-Elf. "Haldir! Fetch us some more drinks! Pronto!"
"Yes, sir." The Elf bowed and turned to walk away, muttering incessantly under his breath. "Stupid, disgusting wizardses, they stole it from us. My precioussssss..."
Cookie, meanwhile, had decided that she did not fancy a dip in the Jacuzzi after all and had gone indoors.
"I say, Lucius, that wasn't terribly sporting of you." Said Dimitri Dolohov disapprovingly.
"Pardon? Oh! You mean the fat thing?"
"That 'fat thing' is my wife!" Dolohov spat.
"No, I meant - oh, never mind." Lucius sighed and desperately looked around for some sort of a diversion. He found it. "Who is that?" He asked, pointing to a thin, pale man with long, black hair and a very prominent nose sitting by himself at the far end of the Jacuzzi.
"Snape?" Dolohov suggested.
"I am sitting right here, idiot." Snape snarled.
"Have you a twin brother, then?"
Snape glared at Dolohov.
"Hmmm..." Lucius stroked his smooth chin thoughtfully. "He must be the new fellow." He deduced. "Yes, I invited him to the party at his initiation ceremony last week, but he was wearing a cloak and mask at the time, I did not see his face. He is the only person here I do not recognise, so it must be him."
"Should we introduce ourselves?" Dolohov asked him.
Lucius nodded and stood up. Dolohov and Snape did the same and followed him to the other end of the Jacuzzi where they resettled themselves beneath the warm water and formed a semi-circle around the mysterious dark-haired man. Their new acquaintance looked up at them with an expression of mild curiosity. "Good evening, gentlemen." He said.
"Good evening to you sir, or should I say good morning?" Lucius smiled, motioning to the gradually lightening sky. "My name is Lucius Malfoy; you may remember me from the meeting last week. And this is Severus Snape (he makes the potions) and Dimitri Dolohov (he makes the tea and crumpets)."
The man inclined his head politely at each of the introductions. "Pleased to meet you. The name's Warner, Brian Warner."
"So, what is your occupation, Warner?" Dolohov asked conversationally.
"I am the God of Fuck." He replied.
Lucius, Snape and Dolohov exchanged bewildered looks.
"That's, uh... nice." Said Lucius eventually. "So, why did you choose to take The Mark?"
"Hey, it ain't about choices, man." Said Warner. "It's about the human impulse, about self-loathing, about the lack of self-control! I don't like The Mark, but The Mark likes me, know what I'm saying?"
"No." Lucius and Dolohov said in unison.
Brian Warner did not elaborate. Instead, he extended his left arm and examined the emblem of the skull and serpent, which had been burnt onto his skin only the previous week. He ran a finger of the raw flesh and spoke pensively to his three companions. "I am birthday cake." He said.
"You - you are?" Said Dolohov in some confusion. He had seen a great many birthday cakes in his time, and none of them had looked anything remotely like the lanky specimen in front him.
"I am the Dark Lord's birthday cake." Warner continued. "I am his to light up, blow out, cut apart, devour and forget."
"Yes, quite an interesting point, that." Said Lucius, smiling and nodding. "Uh, we have to go somewhere else now. Bye."
Lucius, Snape and Dolohov raised themselves out of the Jacuzzi and made their way back to where they had been sitting before they had noticed the presence of the man they now knew to be the peculiar Brian Warner.
"Well, that was... uh, well it was fucking weird actually." Said Dolohov thoughtfully.
"Remind me to forget to invite him to future gatherings." Commented Lucius.
"Stupid, filthy disgusting wizardses! They stole it from us! My precioussss.... "
"Haldir?" Lucius turned his head as the House-Elf approached carrying a fresh tray of drinks.
"Yes, sir? Is you wanting some punch, sir?"
"No, I is not wanting - I mean, I would not like some punch, I would like you to repeat what you just said."
"Yes, sir? Is you wanting some punch, sir?"
Lucius took a deep breath and counted to ten before he replied. "Before that." Said he with forced calm.
"Haldir is saying nothing before that, sir. Haldir is... my preciousssssssss... they stole it from us... it's ours, it is... "
"I beg your pardon?" Lucius demanded angrily, "What are you gibbering on about?"
Haldir stood with his back to his master and did not answer him. Suddenly, he spun around and just allowed Lucius half a second to glimpse his bulging, bloodshot eyes; sharp, pointed teeth and murderous expression before he pounced upon the unsuspecting Malfoy, grabbing fistfuls of his long, blond hair.
"Ouch!! Not the hair!! NOT THE HAIR!!!" Lucius shrieked.
"My precioussssssss!" Haldir hissed and tugged at the flaxen tresses.
"MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR!!"
"They stole it from us! Stupid, disgusting, wizardses! They stole the precioussssssss..."
"ANYTHING BUT THE HAIR!!"
"Precioussssssssss... my precioussssss... it's ours, it is! They stole it from us..."
"Petrificus Totalis!" Snape leapt forward and pulled his wand out of a pocket in his black swimming trunks. As he said the spell, the House-Elf froze and toppled backwards into the water with a tremendous splash.
Lucius Malfoy rubbed his sore scalp and looked up at Snape with sad, watery eyes. "Thank-you, Sev." He said quietly.
"Not at all." Said Snape.
"Hey Snape," Macnair smirked. "Is that your wand in your shorts, or are you just pleased to see me?" He winked at Snape.
"It's my wand in my shorts, moron." Snape snapped, pointing to the magical object.
"Yeah, I know, it's a joke."
"The only joke around here Macnair, is you."
Lucius whimpered loudly. "My hair is all tangled!" He sobbed.
Snape sighed and conjured up a hairbrush, which he handed to Lucius.
"Thank-you." Lucius favoured Snape with a watery smile.
Ordinarily, Snape would have demanded an explanation for the House-Elf's unusual behaviour, or at least insisted that the creature reveal to him what the deuce 'the precious' was. That night however, as he sat stewing in the Malfoy's Jacuzzi, surrounded by some of the most cold-blooded murderers in the Wizarding world, wondering which one of them might currently have their (rather friendly) hand on his thigh, he decided that he simply did not give a Sphinx's arse. "I think I'll leave now." He announced. The hand caressing his inner thigh ceased movement as he spoke and then abruptly pulled away as if it had been slapped.
"Leaving? So soon?" Lucius pouted.
"Malfoy, I have been here all night." Snape pointed out.
"Well, yes, I suppose." Lucius conceded, glumly. "Nevertheless, I would prefer if you left here a little happier than when you came, but to be quite honest Sev, you don't seem to be having much fun at all. I had hoped that we could find some activity to... I know! Why don't we lock ourselves in the lavatory and inhale potions fumes together, hmm? It will be just like old times!"
"Thank-you Malfoy, but I should really return to Hogwarts Castle before anyone notices my absence."
Lucius Malfoy shook his head sadly. "You were unenthusiastic about this party from the very beginning, weren't you?" He sighed. "If I didn't know any better Sev, I would have said that you were here because that fool Dumbledore made you come to... I don't know, to spy on us or something."
Snape stared at Lucius. "You know what, Malfoy? That's precisely why I am here." He said softly.
"Leave out the sarcasm, Severus; I just don't understand why you aren't enjoying yourself, that's all."
"Do not take my lack of enthusiasm personally, Malfoy. Accio robes!" Snape waved his wand and managed to climb out of the Jacuzzi just in time to catch the bundle of black fabric as it hurtled towards him. "I simply have too much on my mind at the moment to even consider enjoying myself, though I assure you that this evening has been most - uh - productive."
"Well, alright then." Lucius sighed in resignation. "I'll forgive you this once, but just so you know, I am still upset with you. You could have at least lied and said that you have never had so much fun in your entire life, you know. Terribly rude of you, really... "
"I shall bear that in mind." Snape assured him.
"Come." Said Lucius, lifting himself out of the Jacuzzi and wrapping a towel around his waist. "I'll show you to the front door."
As Snape and Lucius strolled down the large entrance hall of Malfoy Manor and approached the front door, Snape reached out a hand to turn the large, silver doorknob, but Lucius grabbed his wrist and stopped him from doing so. "Aren't you forgetting something?" Lucius asked, smiling.
Snape frowned and glanced down at himself. He was wearing robes, he was wearing shoes and he was wearing underwear - all black, of course. He patted his right pocket and felt that his wand was still there, he patted his left pocket and found that his other wand was still there. "I think not." He said.
"Yes, you are!" Lucius insisted, in a tone of voice akin to that of a whiney, spoilt child, determined to have their way.
"What, then?"
"You know... "
"No. I do not." Snape hissed, trying desperately to keep his temper. "Please enlighten me, Malfoy, I am simply dying to know what I have forgotten."
Lucius heaved a huge sigh and rolled his eyes, and then began to speak to Snape in a slow, condescending voice, as if Snape were a dim-witted child. "Thank-you Lucius, for inviting me to your super cool party. I had a lovely time. You are the most gracious, stunningly handsome and wittiest host in the whole, wide world and you throw the best parties!"
Snape stared wide-eyed at Lucius as if he had just started foaming at the mouth, or sprouted a second head or something. Impulsively, Snape reached for his wand (the one in his right pocket).
"Say it, Sev." Lucius prompted, cheerfully.
"Crucio." Snape replied, a little less cheerfully.
o~o~o~O~o~o~o
It had been a rather unusual evening; something which almost everyone remarked upon as they said their farewells to Lucius Malfoy and disapparated from the front lawn. It was dawn, and the party was over.
"It has been a rather unusual evening." Rodolphus Lestrange commented as he shook Lucius' hand. "But dear, sweet Salazar in spandex shorts! I have never had so much fun! Never ever! I may have lost that bet on the Pie-Eating competition the girls had on the floor, but I am too drunk on that fabulous punch of yours to care! Wheeeeee!!" He collapsed against Lucius and began to caress his long, blond hair. "And, you know what else, Luccie?"
Lucius raised an eyebrow in amusement, and pushed Lestrange away from his shoulder so that he could look him in the eye. "What's that?"
"I got lucky." Lestrange grinned widely. "I got lucky eight times! With eight different people, too! My bits still ache."
"I sympathise." Lucius chuckled.
"Tee hee! And poor brother Rabastian! He'll be walking with a limp and talking in that hilarious squeaky voice for weeks!"
"Hilarious." Lucius agreed.
"Bellatrix has been blissfully silent." Lestrange motioned to the unconscious form of his wife, floating in mid-air. "Which, my lovely, Lucius brother-in-law, suits me fine. Wheeee!! I love you!"
"I love you too, Roddy. Take care." Lucius took Lestrange by the shoulders and began to steer him towards the front door.
"Are you coming too, Luccie-Muccie?" Lestrange slurred.
"Urgh, don't call me that, Lestrange! No, I have to stay here. Narcissa is waiting for me in the basement, I have to give her her prize, remember?"
"Prize? What prize?"
"Her prize for winning the Pie-Eating competition, you silly sausage." Lucius told Lestrange in a low, soothing voice.
Lestrange laughed hysterically. "You said 'sausage'!!" He howled.
"Yes, Lestrange." Lucius said. He suddenly found himself growing rather bored of Lestrange's insipid conversation. "Now, take Bellatrix and go home or I will curse your bits off." Lucius reached into his robes and pulled out his wand.
Even in his drunken state, Lestrange did not need to be told twice. Previous experience had taught him that Lucius rarely made empty threats - especially when 'bits' were involved.
Once Lucius had ridded himself of the Lestranges and all of the other guests had left, Lucius made his way down to the basement.
Lucius unlocked the door and peered into the gloom of the dark, dingy basement. It was impossible to see very much in the basement without a light source, but Lucius had performed this routine many times before, and knew instinctively that Narcissa was chained to the wall directly in front of him.
"Good morning, Narcissa." He purred. "I have come to give you your prize, as promised, since you have been such a well-behaved little girl. But first, I must do something that I should really have done yesterday, but as you have no doubt surmised, my dear, I was too excited about my party to be bothered."
Lucius cleared his throat.
"Happy Birthday to you;
Happy Birthday to you;
Happy Birthday, Narcissa;
Happy Birthday to you."
Then, with one whispered spell, the basement door was locked and there were no more words.
THE END
Author's Note:
Crap, innit? Oh well, it was 4 o'clock in the morning...
Unfortunately, there is also a sequel. :p