Disclaimer: The plot and characters belong to Brian Jacques. The poems belong to Andrew Marvel and Alice Maynell. I am not profiting from this story. Starts with double poems, so, um, bear with me.
"The Definition of Love"
My love is of a birth as rare
As 'tis for object strange and high:
It was begotten by despair
Upon Impossibility
For Fate with jealous eyes does see
Two perfect Loves; nor lets them close
Their union would her ruin be,
And her tyrannic power depose
As lines so Love oblique may well
Themselves in every angle greet:
But ours so truly parallel,
Though truly infinite can never meet
Therefore the Love which us doth bind
But Fate so enviously debars,
Is the conjunction of the Mind
And opposition of the Stars
-Andrew Marvel
Chapter One
"Renouncement"
I must not think of thee; and, tired strong,
I shun the thought that lurks in all delight-
The thought of thee-and in the blue heaven's height,
And in the sweet passage of a song.
Oh, just beyond the fairest thoughts that throng
This breast, the thought of thee waits hidden yet bright;
It must never, never come in sight;
I must stop short of thee the whole day long
But when sleep comes to close each difficult day,
When night gives pause to the long watch I keep,
And all my bonds and needs must loose apart,
Must doff my will as raiment laid away,-
With the first dream that comes with the first sleep
I run, I run, I am gathered to thy heart
-Alice Meynell
Felldoh woke from a dream as the sun crept up over the horizon and spread golden light over the sea and across the sky. Raising his head from the sandy blanket on which he had slept, he shook himself slightly and lifted his eyes upwards. In the Dark Forest, he wondered silently to himself, would the heavens light up like this? Would there be a sun? Or even a sky?
With a quiet sigh, the brown squirrel lay his face on his arm, shutting out the dawn. For a moment, only for a moment, he did not want to be reminded of everything that he was leaving behind; the warm sand and the cool sea, the sun shining in the endless blue sky, wind through his fur like a gentle caress, the peaceful still of night when the moon shone white and round attended by the merry twinkling stars. So often unthought of, like oft repeated ceremony, and yet so central to the rhythm of life. Even the simplest joy of living, breathing, pushing out the used air and drawing in the fresh, was to be left behind, given up. His father, Barkjon, and his friends, Brome and Martin and Rose and Grumm, they were part of that joy of living because with them was the love and the comradeship and the bonds that made life worth living for.
Worth dying for.
Felldoh raised his head and rose slowly. There was no getting away from life while he lived. In death, he prayed, the pain welling in his chest would ease.
He was only one squirrel, able to love and live only as one squirrel could. One life, against the many he could save, it was not hard to see what had to be done. That was his solace, the weighing of his soul against countless others, his happiness against all of theirs. The imagining of babes who would never lose the tenderness of their mothers, as he had. Friends that would never be separated. Blood that would never be shed. Innocent lives that would never be taken. The happy laughter of friends and family in the free sunlight.
Unbidden, Celandine's face appeared before his eyes and he remembered her, as she came sliding over the top of the dune, breathless and wide-eyed with terror. She came directly to him, without a second glance at Rowanoak and the Ballaw, falling into his arms and clinging to him. He had dropped his javelins without a thought, letting them fall with a clatter to the sand, and hugged her tightly to him. Felldoh felt no shame as he remembered how he trembled as she did.
If anything had happened to her. . . Rage and terror warred in his veins. He pushed her away, holding her arms at arms length as he scrutinized every inch of her body.
Celandine smiled weakly at him, the beginnings of tears glimmering in her eyes. "I'm alright Felldoh," she said softly. "You saved me."
"Celandine," Felldoh said, his voice thick with emotion. "If. . . I'm. . . I couldn't. . ." He let go of her and turned away, crossing his arms and hunching his shoulders
against the emotions fighting to his surface. Behind his back, Rowanoak and Ballaw exchanged a significant look and kept quiet.
Celandine hesitated for a moment, but then slid her arms around his middle, pressing gently against his scarred back. "What's wrong?" She asked quietly.
Felldoh raised his head and regarded the sky for a long moment. Then, he turned and took her in his arms. "If anything had happened to you," he said softly, holding
her against his chest," I don't know what. . . I don't want to know what would have happened to me."
Celandine buried her face in his neck and squeezed him. "It's alright," she told him. "I'm alright. I knew you'd come. I knew you would."
Without another word, Felldoh swept her up into his arms and nodded to Ballaw and Rowanoak. "My thanks," he said and they both bowed slightly, Ballaw smiling slightly and Rowanoak grave. "We'd better get back before Clogg finds his courage."
Now, as he stood with the light of the new day warm and lovely on his face, Felldoh knew that he would never see in this world, or the next, anything so beautiful, so breath-taking, so heart-stopping, as looking down into Celandine's face and seeing the secret ill-concealed in her shining eyes. It had been all everything he was to keep from crying out his answer to that secret.
Felldoh turned his back on the sun, bending to pick up the javelins beside his bed. The night before, he had selected the best he could find and honed them to a fine point.
All was ready, and he lifted his face again to the sky, savoring the morning breeze. His last hours, but also the last for Badrang.
He had said his good-bye to Celandine the night before. He knew that he would not be able to bear the sight her face this morning. As he had carried her back from Marshank, he had tried so hard to remember every injustice Badrang had inflicted. All the death and the pain and the blood, to again wake the anger and the resolve to see the Tyrant dead. As many as fate decrees, myself included. . . Felldoh wanted to breathe free, and know that all were safe from the Tyrant, but must of all, he wanted Celandine. Wanted her beside him in the day and in the night, in pain and sorrow, in happiness and joy. Wanted to wake each morning to find her in his arms, and fall asleep each night to her breathing.
Felldoh laughed mirthlessly as he checked his javelins. He could not decide whether to curse Fate for bring Celandine into his life so late, or bless Fate for the same reason.
She had not known last night, when he took her by the paw and led her away from camp, that this was the last time she would look upon him alive. He had taken her to the cliffs, where they could watch the stars dancing on the ocean waves.
Celandine stared wide-eyed with child like wonder at the beauty of the sea and sky. Felldoh had eyes only for her. Stars, sun, and moon were not so radiantly beautiful as she.
"Celandine," he said quietly, circling her waist with one arm.
She looked up at him. Surprise flickered across her features first as he gently inclined his head over hers. Then, as she closed her eyes to welcome his kiss, joy blossomed on her face like flowers greeting the snow after winters cruel grip was passed. Felldoh had not shut his eyes as his lips caressed hers; he could not bear for even a moment to take his eyes from her face.
He took her back to camp, laying her in her bed and tucking her in. She smiled at him as she nestled into her blankets, warm and secure.
"Good-night," she whispered, smiling," my big strong Felldoh."
"Good-night Celandine," he said quietly, brushing her forehead with his lips," my love forever."
For Celandine, Felldoh told himself as he turned from her and walked away into the night, for Celandine. For her and her children.
The javelins he slung over his shoulder as he pushed Celandine firmly from his mind. He had shed his tears for her in the night, when no one could see or guess his plans. He had wept for the sunsets and stars they would never watch together, for the cold winter nights curled up together beneath warm covers and the lazy summer days spent napping in the sun that they would never spend together, for all the times that they would never kiss, all the times they would lay and love together, and for all the kits and grandkits that they would never have.
The future, he thought, laughing quietly at the irony as he slipped quietly away from camp, was behind him and his destiny lay before him. Perhaps Martin would have guessed what was on his mind, but Felldoh did not even know if his friend lived. As it was, Felldoh believed that no one saw him as he slipped away from camp and down the cliffs, nor that there was the faintest inkling that the strong, quiet squirrel would attempt something so rash
Cut off the head of the serpent, and the rest would die.
"Badrang," Felldoh murmured as he strode boldly across the sand. Ahead, Marshank rose against the blue sky, and he could feel his warrior blood begin to boil. The fur on the back of his neck bristled, and his grip tightened on the javelins. "I hope you enjoyed the sunrise, Tyrant," he spat, glaring with potent hatred at the fortress from where, he could now see, his approach was being noted," 'cause it's the last your double-cursed eyes will ever see."
Felldoh threw his pack of javelins to the ground, a safe difference from Marshank, and snatched up one. He drew his arm back and let it fly at one of the vermin standing over the gate with a mighty howl.
"Fur and Freedom! BBAADDDRRANNGGG!!!"
The tyrant was not long in appearing, summoned by unnerved soldiers. He swaggered onto the battlements, sneering at Felldoh.
"What do you want, Squirrel!?" He called mockingly, paws cupped to his mouth.
Felldoh snarled at him, and then raised his voice in reply. "I want a fight! You against me, unless you're more of a coward then even I think!!!"
Badrang laughed, and Felldoh's knuckles turned white as he ground his teeth in rage. "I've been fighting since you were a suckling babe clinging to your mother's brush. How do I know you don't have some of my other escaped slaves waiting to ambush me?"
"I don't need anyone else," Felldoh's reply was confident.
Badrang's lip curled in a sneer. "Bit cocky aren't we? Surrender and I'll let you be my slave again."
"You'll bend no more rods over my or any other creature's back," Felldoh called back, testing the point of his javelin, his mouth set with determination. "You're bound for Hell's Teeth, coward!"
Badrang ground his teeth and started to turn from the wall. A rat caught his arm. "Don't go, he's mad that one."
The Tyrant's growl sent the vermin scurrying. "No beast calls Badrang a coward and lives!" He spun back to wall, fastening his eyes on the squirrel standing cool and confident on the stands. "I'm coming out squirrel!"
"Aye, I'll be waiting."
A surge of adrenaline flooded Felldoh's veins as he watched the gates of Marshank, the same gates that had held him captive for years, creak open and the arrogant figure of Badrang appear. Inspite of himself, Felldoh could not stop the grim smile from spreading across his face.
"Last chance, Squirrel," Badrang said, smiling as he stopped a few paces from Felldoh and drew his sword. The sword that rightfully belonged to Martin, Felldoh noted. "I'll let you serve me again, you look strong enough. Just a beating and then back to your duties."
Felldoh laughed. "Save your breath, Badrang. You haven't got many left."
Badrang snarled and leapt at him, bringing in the sword fast and spinning.
Felldoh ducked the blow, giving Badrang a smart rap on the knuckles as he sprang away. The Tyrant turned the blade to follow him, succeeding only in clipping Felldoh's arm. Felldoh rapped him again; ducking and weaving away as the rat tried unsuccessfully to keep up.
"Face me," Badrang hissed, whirling as he tried to follow Felldoh's movements. "Coward."
Felldoh laughed, dodging beneath the blade and kicking the Tyrant's paws out from underneath him. "My name is Felldoh," he said, standing and waiting as the rat scrambled to his paws," remember that name Badrang, it will be last you hear."
"You can't beat me," Badrang panted, slashing at him. Felldoh laughed again, almost lazily weaving around the blade to touch the point of the javelin to Badrang's throat and then skipping back before the rat could touch him.
"I'll see you dead," the squirrel said, his eyes flaming. "You've taken everything away from me, now Fate has decreed that I am to take everything away from you."
Badrang hesitated for a moment, noting the fires in the squirrel's eyes. He jumped forward with a swipe at Felldoh, causing the squirrel to retreat slightly, and then turned tail quickly towards Marshank.
"No you don't," Badrang heard Felldoh whisper in his ear, and then he was thrown to ground. He tried to scramble upright, holding his sword up to fend off his opponent, only to have it wrenched from his paw.
Felldoh brought the Javelin down onto Badrang's back with all his strength, and was rewarded with a howl. "Do you like this!?" The squirrel roared, laughing madly. "How does it feel to be beaten like a slave!?" Badrang tried to roll away, tried to fend him off, but to no avail.
This is the end, Felldoh thought exultantly, the Tyrant's cries blending together incoherently in his ears.
"Your tyranny over these shores are ended!" He cried, laughing louder as his strokes drew blood and Badrang's screams rose in pitch.
He was lost in battle rage and did not understand the word Badrang was screaming. He did not see the Tyrant's beasts until an arrow sprouted from his shoulder. Felldoh stumbled back a pace as the bruised and bleeding rat was pulled from him, gasping painful for breath.
Felldoh howled and redoubled his efforts as he saw that his enemy was escaping. He broke his javelin over the head of a ferret, who fell to the sand not to rise again, and laid about him, laughing and roaring wildly.
This is the end, he thought, numbly through the haze blood and pain and rage. His arms moved mechanically, . Badrang still lives, but I've hurt him bad and Martin will finish the job. He's a true warrior.
A smile spread across Felldoh's face as he fell weakly to his knees in the bloody sand. The horde beasts, fewer in number now, drew back watching cautiously.
Celandine, Felldoh thought as he watched the sun in the blue sky growing dark in his eyes. Celandine. . . For one more moment with you, I would live through a hundred lives of slavery. Celan. . .
He almost thought he could hear her, screaming his name, as the darkness took him.
"FELLDOH!!!"