A/N: Very loosely based off of J Michael Straczynski's earlier Amazing Spider-Man run. Basically Aunt May knows Peter is Spider-Man but he's still separated from Mary Jane. I'm taking a lot of liberties here with Peter's rookie days and saying that he met Deadpool a few times years ago.

Another job done means another paycheck. Or rather a suitcase full of a buttload of cash. Employers sure are touchy about their identities these days. But, hey, as long as Deadpool gets paid, then who even cares? More money means more weapons and food. Lots of food.

"Like tacos," the merc said as he kicked over the now decapitated form at his feet. With a little tushy waggle, he dug around in the victim's back pocket and yanked out a cheap prepaid phone. "Cha ching."

【Aren't you sick of Mexican food by now?】

"Hell naw. It's what the readers want!" he replied to the box as he pulled up the camera function on the cell phone. Nobody skimps out on cameras these days. Humming, Wade reached down to grab the head which he then hefted onto his shoulder as if it was a second head. Blood stains are no biggie, right. With that, the camera was angled at them both.

"Now then, say 'Rob Liefeld' with me, you beauty! Rob Liefeld!"

【Rob Liefeld.】

「Rob Liefeld!」

"Rob Liefeld."

Deadpool frantically whipped his head around to find the source of the fourth voice. Had the ball of somebody's foot not crashed into his face and unhinged the man's jaw, he would have gone off on a tangent about how his head was not flashing a motel vacancy sign. Two boxes were enough.

「Awww but you love us!」

With a sickening pop of a jaw being shoved back in place Deadpool grumbled, "Not when I'm trying to fap. Heh, fap. I can't believe that's still a sound effect in comics! Even ours! Fap! Boom! Kapow! Crack! Oh, and we can't forget—"

Thwip.

Milliseconds after the sound echoed through the dank alley, the mercenary was slammed against the brick wall. Something felt wet, sticky, and webby. Webbing. Deadpools' mouth stretched into a face splitting grin that could be seen under the fabric of his mask. He began to giggle like a schoolgirl, which was a horrific sound given his deep, raspy man voice.

"Spidey! Spidey my main man, my homie, my boo! It's been so long! See, I've stopped keeping track of time so you'll have to remind me when our last wacky crossover was. Ooh! Let's go out and catch up over coffee! That's what they do in the chick flicks. Wait, I hate coffee. How about—"

"Wade."

"—I mean, you're old enough to drink now, right? Damn, you were just a baby the last I saw you. Not a literal baby, no, I would never ogle a baby. Nasty. But you were definitely jailbait. That voice of yours was a dead giveaway. You know what shota is? Well—"

"Wade, do you ever breathe?" Spider-Man sighed as he rubbed his temple. "To answer your questions: 1) It's been seven years since I last saw you, give or take. 2) I don't drink. Being a spider powered lightweight can only lead to bad things. 3) No, I don't know what shota is and I really don't care to know, either. Good? Good."

The younger man executed a flip off of the fire escape that he had been perched on and reached his hand out to rip the webs off of Deadpool. Upon being released, Deadpool stumbled around in a dramatic manner then swooned, "Catch me, Spidey!"

Spider-Man promptly sidestepped away from Deadpool and watched as the older man slammed his face against a garbage bin. The merc picked himself back up and pouted. He added a whine for safe measure.

【Chivalry is dead.】

"What are you doing back in New York?" Spider-Man questioned as he folded his arms over his chest and cocked his head to the side.

【Wow, is it just me or has this kid really filled out? Punching people does a body good.】

Wade let out a little 'pfft' and muttered, "Yeah, well he ain't got nothing on yours truly."

「I have an idea. Let's get a look at that prime ass. He always did have a strong ass game.」

【I second this.】

"Thirded!" Wade shouted as he fist pumped towards the sky. This outburst only solicited an irritated coughing into the hand motion from the superhero.

"I'm here on a business trip," Wade paused as he nodded his head towards the still present corpse and its nearby head.

"You haven't changed a bit, Wade."

"Hey hey, speaking of changes," Wade started as he lifted his hood to make kissy lips, "you are looking Fine. With a capital F. And maybe a U-C-K and M-E. If you're up to it. Wink
wonk badonka donk."

Spider-Man shifted from one foot to the other uncomfortably. Putting a palm to his face, he groaned as he dragged it down towards his chin. An irritated groan, of course. Don't read into that the wrong way.

「Me thinks the writer can't decide between OTP or BROTP~ 」

"Look, I'm going to be late for work if I don't get going ASAP. Heroics don't pay an already late rent," the webhead stated as he began to back away. Before Deadpool had a chance to respond, Spider-Man was already wall jumping and rushing away on a rooftop in no time.

Deadpool whistled. That escape gave him an eyeful of derriere. Can't complain about that.

How Peter Parker manages to stay employed is a mystery greater than the meaning of life. The man shakes a can of cheap aerosol deodorant and drowns himself with the scent of pine as he runs towards Midtown High. Running a hand through the brown mop of hair on his head, Peter grinned sheepishly at one of the other faculty members as he made his way up the stairs. Today was one of those rare days that he managed to get to work before the warning bell rang.

A few students were already standing outside of the classroom waiting for their teacher to open the door. Early birds. Peter fished around in his pocket for the key and grumbled when the lock clicked. He didn't have any time to finish grading the last lab assignment. Or the one before that. Yikes. Note to Peter, grade that schoolwork like a responsible teacher should be doing.

With a loud thump, Peter slumped over in his chair and glanced down at the curriculum that he had jotted down in the notebook on the desk. Maybe he would have his students get into study groups to prepare themselves for the upcoming quiz.

"Did you get a look at that janitor?" a girl whispered to her friend from behind a textbook.

"No..? Why?" the friend replied.

"The guy is creepy, that's why."

"Dude, it's a janitor. Janitors are creepy period."

"No, like, he's got fricking gross oozing scabs and shit all over his face. He kept talking to himself, too."

Peter raised an eyebrow as he listened to the teenagers gossip. Perhaps it was because of his earlier encounter with a certain motor mouthed mercenary but he couldn't shake the suspicion that creeped into his mind. But why would he even be at a school? Oh, hell, surely Deadpool had standards. No way would he be here on, as he had called it, business.

While he pushed the absurd idea out of his head, a loud crash startled Peter and he caught himself before he ended up plastered to the ceiling. He turned his head around towards the door and began to pale. Oh hell no. Oh hell. No.

"Any messes in here?~ " a muscle-bound, scarred man in a too small custodial uniform asked as he tip-toed into the classroom. As if on cue, a weak stomached, classic garden variety nerd boy vomited underneath his desk. "Bless those convenient, if not unrealistic, plot devices. Thank you, dweeb!"

Peter cursed under his breath wishing that hadn't happened because now he was stuck in a room with Deadpool. As Peter Parker. He grimaced when he noticed Wade giving him a once over after which he blowed a kiss.

This was going to be a long, long day.