Author Note: Because the ending of 'Girls Girls Girls' was just begging for a Castiel-centric coda and I was inspired by my friend's headcanon about what really happened to Jimmy Novak. This was meant to be posted before 10x08 aired but life (read: my own lack of motivation to edit) got in the way. Anyway it's out before the mid-season finale (barely) so that's something right? xx
Raindrops streak steadily down the car's windows, distorting its surroundings and warping them into a blur of shapes and shadows. Across the street, a woman stands in front of a quaint suburban two-storey, the tension in her shoulders giving away her nervousness. After a moment, a man opens the door. The two converse briefly, illuminated by the glow of the porch light, before clinging to each other in a tight embrace.
Castiel glances away as Caroline and her husband make their way inside, the door closing behind them. There is a sudden tightness in his chest, an inexplicable yearning; for warmth, for family, for home.
If only he knew what home even meant anymore.
Not so long ago, the word had encompassed grace and light and the flurry of wings. Now, though, Castiel finds himself thinking of two brothers, of resonating laughter and bright green eyes. Finds himself hoping for things that are forbidden to him.
These feelings…they aren't for me. For us.
Hannah's words echo back at him, and the memory of her lingers; she is almost luminescent, bathed in sunlight, her voice as clear as the water running over the rocks below.
I know it's time to step aside.
Castiel envies her steadfast certainty, her assurance in the knowledge that Heaven is where they truly belong. She faced little doubt about giving up humanity, and all emotions tied to it, in order for Caroline to regain control over her life.
It is this thought that prompts Castiel to reach for the laptop sitting on the passenger seat. He opens it up, momentarily blinded by its brightly lit screen. The cursor blinks back at him, and he hesitates, taking in a breath he doesn't need before typing into the search bar with shaking fingers:
Jimmy Novak.
The screen changes, bringing up an array of images, and despite himself Castiel feels a jolt of shock upon seeing his own face staring back at him. He has grown accustomed to this vessel, has come to think of this body as his own. The news articles below the pictures serve as a long-overdue reminder that it is not.
Local Pontiac Man Missing, Feared Dead
Whereabouts of AM Radio Employee Remain Unknown
Continued Search for Jimmy Novak Yields No Results
The headlines jump out at him as he scrolls down the list of search results, and the guilt he has tried so hard to suppress twists inside of him like the blade of a knife. The weight of his own actions settles heavy on Castiel's shoulders. If not for him, Jimmy would never have been torn away from his family, from all he had ever known, and all for the sake of an absent God's will.
But his remorse comes too late; Jimmy Novak is long gone. The only thing keeping him from finding his rightful place in Heaven is that he remains tethered to his body. Through Raphael's wrath, Stull Cemetery, the Leviathan, and even the Fall, Castiel has kept firm hold of Jimmy's soul, held it tight like a butterfly trapped in a jar.
He told himself that it was necessary, buried his true reasons for doing so under false layers of duty and purpose. Now, finally, Castiel examines those excuses, picks at them until they give way to the fear and uncertainty that lie beneath.
Without Jimmy's soul, this body will cease to be a vessel; it will belong solely to him. The thought of claiming ownership knots coils of panic tightly in Castiel's chest, writhing and snake-like. For once in full possession of this body, he will no longer be free to flit between Earth and the skies above. Castiel knows he will have to determine, once and for all, whether his allegiances lie with Heaven or humanity. He recalls those familiar eyes, the smattering of freckles akin to constellations, only then realising that he made his choice a long time ago. And that frightens him most of all.
Yet beyond the cold terror of the decision, of its implications, Cas glimpses hope. It is easy to imagine a life carved out for himself, a quiet corner amongst all the noise of humanity. The thought seems to set something free inside of him, fluttering birdlike in his chest.
Of course, there are still things to attend to before that can happen. The ancient sense of loyalty and obligation remains, no matter how far he has fallen from grace.
He hits backspace, and starts a new search:
Amelia Novak.
Jimmy had a family; a wife, a daughter. People who he loved. Castiel makes a silent vow to find them, provide for them whatever he can. He owes it to Jimmy, after all that the man has given to him.
Maybe it's time…time to put them first.
Distantly, he feels Jimmy's soul stirring, rustling like the pages of a long-neglected book, and smiles.
Maybe he is halfway home.