For many years now it has only ever been my mother and I ever since the death of my father when I was toddler, my mother hid her pain and sorrow from me so that I would not feel conflicted whether or not her grief was my fault; apparently that is what the doctor said after delivering the news of his passing to her.

Around the time I turned 5 my mother had trouble earning enough money for the both of us so she was unable to take me into a day care while she worked and instead had turned to the next door neighbour and seemed rather fond of us. A kind man had gained her trust to be left in taking care of her precious child, it took a few weeks before she become more confidant that I would be safe in his care and so she stopped calling to check in on us every few hours and by the time she came home she was ecstatic to see me again.

Almost immediately after the calls dropped everything changed about this man, he showed me his true colors; a wolf in sheep's clothing. It started out as just light touches nothing I would have taken too much notice of but I did have a nagging feeling at the back of my mind but I pushed it aside, he always made sure to spoil me as if to win my favor; now that I think about it it was probably so that I would be too excited about something I liked rather than something that seemed strange or gave off a bad feeling.

Over time mother gained a promotion and her work hours grew longer but not once did I complain no matter how lonely I got and the bigger the bad feeling grew inside me, sometimes she would work late into the night and I would be made to take baths with the man and thats the first sign that should have screamed alert and yet I didn't want to worry mother.

His hand gently rubbed his big hands along my chest and the feeling made me sick to the stomach but I forced it down, too afraid to say anything as it would be pointless worrying for my mother since he claimed it was checking to make sure I was healthy and not getting sick or something along those lines.

I always dreaded when the time came for mother to leave and wished that time would hurry for her to come home sooner, on one particular night mother had gotten so busy at work that she had to stay the night; I will never forget that night as it still haunts me till this very day.

I went to bed earlier than usual as to avoid his creepy presence but something felt so very wrong that night that I couldn't sleep and it wasn't long until that man snuck into my bed and began feeling my thighs in a more forceful disgusting way than he ever touched me before, it was as if something was holding him back from going any further before, he enveloped my small tiny body in his firm grasp as I was frozen in place unable to speak and move.

I was stripped of my clothing as I begun to panic and somehow managed to move but he just held me down and whispered "You don't want you mother to get hurt do you?" his breath was hot and heavy as the stench of a strong liquor invaded my sense of smell, he kept licking my body everywhere making my skin sticky and wet as tears flooded my vision.

His hand lowered down to my backside and that's when I learned of true fear, his fingers stretched my insides as my screams ripped through the thick atmosphere but nothing happened; everything remained the same and then he stopped for a few seconds just to replace his fingers with something even bigger as the searing pain became to much to bear I blacked out.

I woke up after wards laying on my back a naked sticky mess, everything was a very dull pain and yet I could not find the strength to move it was as if everything was stripped away from me, my lower half has never felt so painful and disgusting before.

I felt so indifferent to everything around me but I could feel the tears pouring down my cheeks as sobs ripped through my throat, he returned to the room and begun stroking my blue locks and the words he said then will stay with me forever.

"You're so beautiful"

...

I didn't know how to act, speak or anything; how could I explain to my mother then what happened when I myself was too young to understand at the time. My mother was worried about me so much and I felt horrible for making her feel that way but I couldn't do anything.

I had lost my own voice ever since it started and the light in my eyes grew dull and empty, I felt my life fading from my existence every day and the man continued this 'whatever this is' for many months until my mother got suspicious of him and claimed she will be staying at work tonight again.

Little did we know that she had taken that day off just so she could visit a police station and convince one of the officers to accompany her home because she had a bad feeling about the man babysitting her child.

...

I would be awake during every encounter of his activities but not because I wanted to it was just that I had grown accustomed to the pain and I would just remain a lifeless doll, I would stare up at the cieling as he towered over top of my small frame as he relieved himself inside me.

'Knock Knock'

He stopped thrusting his sweaty body and quickly dressed himself as he made his way to the door, I couldn't hear the conversation very well but I didn't really care besides it wasn't as if it was my mother anyway.

I could feel the slight vibrations of hurried footsteps on the tatami mats as they grew stronger and more frantic, the door slide open and I turned my head to the left to glance at the intruder only to have us both gasp at the shock realisation.

"Tetsuya!"

Her tears were like waterfalls as she fell to the ground beside me and scooped me up into her warm comforting embrace, I was in too much shock to even hug her back and the other thought running through my head was that I didn't want to dirty her; before I knew it my tears spilled out as well.

...

The police officer had restained and imprisoned that man after he followed my mother inside the apartment and upon witnessing the scene of my defiled and dirtied body he acted immediately, that man was now rotting in a jail cell for who knows how long as they refused to tell me but mother kept telling me in a calm neutral voice that he will never come back.

I was taken to the hospital in an ambulance and was kept for a week as they feared I may have recieved internal damage also I had to be taken to the psychiatrist everyday for an hour since I hadn't spoken a word nor shown any semblance of emotion towards anything, what was I supposed to do? How did I used to act in certain situations? How... do I... smile?

...

I was able to convey certain things to the pyschiatrist by writing and drawing but never did I speak but I was able to force my voice out to my mother who hid her suffering from me.

"I love you, mother"

It came out croaky and more of a whisper but she heard it none the less and she clung to me as if I may disappear while she repeated the words to me.

"I'm sorry...I'm sorry...I'm sorry"

Mother refused to go home during my stay at the hospital mainly because she hated to leave my side in such a vulnerable state but the doctors insisted that she would need to leave that apartment as it would worsen my emotional state so she is now starting the arrangements to move home.

So the first day I spent without her was just me wallowing in the lonliness and since I wasn't mean't to leave my room without my IV drip which mean't I walked the hospital halls with the stand as it had the armrest joined to it making it easier for me to wander around since my body was still very much in pain from the tears and injuries I had.

A few people bumped into me without noticing I was there and that's when I started realising I had very little presence, it must be because I'm not trying to stand out or rather I'm trying to hide my existence from the world; I had decided that I would have to be the one who would need to dodge out of their way since they won't notice me.