This is a sequel of sorts to 'Through the Long Night'. If you haven't read that, this one might be confusing.
JE, of course, gets all the credit for Ranger and Stephanie and credit for the title goes to Mr. Billy Joel – a lyric from his beautiful song, "And so it Goes".
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I hadn't seen him or even really thought about him for nearly a year so when he strolled into the office as though the intervening twelve months hadn't transpired, I was so stunned my breath caught in my lungs and my heart skipped a beat before stopping completely in my chest.
All at once I was teleported back in time to the night of Tank's burial. The feeling of being overcome by Ranger's sadness, by his need for me was palpable and threatened to bring me to my knees right there in the office. I could feel his breath on my skin, I could feel his hard length between my thighs; I could hear his soft pleading voice in my ears.
And then I could feel the emptiness in my bed and the hollow ache in my heart when he left the following morning without saying good-bye.
I'd known he would leave, I could have bet on it, but I didn't realize how long he would stay away. I didn't realize how much it would hurt or how lonely I could feel until he was gone. I still wonder sometimes if he would have stayed if I'd asked. I wonder if my silence made it easier to leave.
He disappeared without a word or a trace and several weeks went by before I found out where he'd gone.
Lester came into Vinnie's one morning – I hadn't seen him or any of the others since Tank died – and a jolt shot right to my heart at the sight of him. I'd been avoiding the Merry Men on purpose – it hurt too much to be around them – but seeing him made me realize how much I missed them.
We ended up going to lunch and Lester made me smile and even laugh during our meal and my heart felt lighter for the first time in a long time. We talked and ate and made plans to get together with the rest of the guys and even though I really wanted to ask, I couldn't bring myself to do it. Fortunately Lester had the same ESP as most of the Rangeman crew and revealed the story without prompting.
Ranger had gone to the Miami office, he told me when the last of our pizza disappeared from the table and no one knew when or if he would be coming back. It was hard, he'd said, for him to be there without Tank. I'd nodded my head, coherent speech impossible. I wasn't surprised, not really. I mean he did have work there and his daughter was there so it made perfect sense. But all that was stuck in my head was the "if" part of his story. Would he really never come back to Trenton?
Lester gave me a hug and a small smile when we left Pino's and it felt a lot like regret or even pity and I didn't want that from him – or from anyone really. Yeah, Ranger was gone but it didn't mean the end of the world, even though I was pretty sure that's exactly how I was acting.
So that afternoon I decided life had to go on. The world was still spinning without Tank and it would continue to spin without Ranger too. I got behind the wheel of my latest piece of shit car and then I resolutely tucked him away in a deep dark corner of my mind and didn't think of him again. It was easier that way.
And then he waltzed back into my life and the box I put Ranger in burst at the seams and shattered into a million pieces inside my brain.
"Ladies." The greeting was typical and given with slightly upturned lips. The girls returned it with big smiles. He took two folders from Connie, tucked them into the back pocket of his black cargo pants and then I felt the heat of his eyes on me. Even after all this time it still raised the hair on the back of my neck. "Got a minute, Babe?" He gestured to the door with a miniscule tilt of his head and I guess I didn't respond because the next thing I knew, an elbow was in my gut.
I followed him outside at Lula's prompting and he nudged me into the alley between the buildings. I was feeling weak and disconcerted and pressed my back against the brick wall for support. He stood before me with a dark, assessing look and I couldn't find any words to say to him. Hello seemed completely inadequate after all this time, so I just stared, taking in the face I didn't think I'd ever see again.
He was still so beautiful. It really should be illegal to be that beautiful. His skin was darker than normal, probably from the bright Miami sun and he seemed bigger, his muscles thicker, especially his arms and chest as if he'd spent an excessive amount of time in the gym in the last year. His hair was long, longer than I'd ever seen it and it hung in gentle waves around his face, falling to the tops of his shoulders. I had to resist the urge to run my fingers through it. I wondered if it was still as soft and silky as the last time I'd touched it. But his eyes – his eyes were what got to me. They were the same fiery brown I remembered and I thought I could lose myself forever in the intensity of his gaze.
Apparently Ranger didn't know what to say either because he remained resolutely silent. I don't know how many seconds or minutes went by because all I could think about was how much I wanted him. To feel him against me again. To smell him. To feel his lips on mine.
Just when I thought I might explode from the need to touch him, he snaked one arm around my waist and pulled me against his body.
I couldn't have controlled my reaction if I'd tried. My knees went week and my arms wrapped around to his back of their own volition. I clung tightly to his large, solid frame, pressed my face into his chest and fought the tears threatening to spill out of my eyes.
His other hand was at the nape of my neck and rubbing slow soothing circles on my skin. The decision I'd made all those months ago to move on with life without him seemed so ridiculous now. Nothing had been right since he left and now that he was here again, everything could go back to the way it should be. He was warm and solid and strong and powerful and everything that had been wrong, everything in my life that had somehow tilted on its axis suddenly righted itself in the comfort of his embrace.
I inhaled a shaky breath and the thought that I could stay forever right there in his arms flitted across my mind but then the reality of the situation reared its ugly head. I didn't even know if Ranger was staying. He could be passing through for all I knew and I didn't want to get my hopes up that I finally had him back in my life. I pulled out of his embrace and opened my mouth to ask – I wasn't even sure what - but he cupped my cheek in his palm and ran the pad of his thumb softly over the skin underneath my eye. "Can I see you tonight? I really want to see you."
All I could do was nod my head. He pressed his lips to my forehead and then he was gone.
I stayed in the alley until Connie came looking for me.
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It was late, nearly midnight, before he arrived at my door. I was dressed only in my robe having just recently stepped out of the shower and I was tightening the belt around my waist when I heard the locks tumble.
As always when Ranger was near, my skin tingled and my heart raced beneath by ribs. I remained in the hallway, halfway between the bathroom and my bedroom, frozen in anticipation of seeing him again.
The door closed softly and after the distinct click of the deadbolt being engaged he appeared before me in the hall, obviously headed to my bedroom. His steps faltered when he saw me standing there and we locked eyes in a repeat performance of this afternoon.
I was the one to break the silence when I could no longer be still under the ample measure of his stare. I dropped my eyes and fingered the sash holding the thin material of my robe together.
"I never thought I'd see you again."
He exhaled a quiet breath and I looked up to find him leaning against the wall across from me.
"I needed time," he said succinctly.
I nodded and began inspecting my sash again. "Was it enough?" I whispered and when I brought my head up I found him right in front me searching my eyes, for what I didn't know.
"No," he answered, his voice rough with emotion. "I don't think there could ever be enough." He reached out, taking my left hand in his right and began tracing light patterns over the tops of my fingers with his thumb. I tried not to react to the zing of electricity that shot up my arm at his touch. When he got to my ring finger, he rubbed over the bare skin there several times before speaking again.
"I almost didn't come to see you when I got back."
My heart twisted in my chest. Half of me was afraid of the answer but I managed to squeak out, "Why?"
"I thought there would be a ring here."
I don't know what I had been expecting but it wasn't that. I almost laughed. I knew he meant Joe and although I never told him, I wasn't ever going to marry Morelli. How could I when Ranger has possessed the best part of my heart since the day I met him?
"Joe moved to Virginia six months ago. Got a job with the FBI."
The corners of his lips turned up at that news as his hand traveled up the length of my arm and was joined by the other one at the base of my throat. His thumbs caressed the hollow indent there and I shivered under his touch. They continued on a path across my collar bone and came to a rest on top of each shoulder. He leaned in slightly and brushed against my cheek with his own. My whole body began to hum with desire and I desperately wanted him to kiss me.
Without warning he jerked me to him in a full body hug and buried his face in the curve of my neck. "I missed you."
I swallowed hard, willing myself not to cry and returned his embrace. "Same here," I replied and Ranger's arms tightened around me. We stayed that way, wrapped around each other for a good long while.
When he finally pulled away he cupped my face with the gentlest touch and softly brushed his lips across mine. "There are…things to say. Things I should have said to you a long time ago."
I could only bob my head because I felt the tears gathering and I didn't trust myself to speak.
"We'll talk," he promised. "But right now all I want to do is take you to bed and bury myself deep inside you….is that okay?"
I wanted that too. I wanted anything he was willing to give and even if he had to go, even if he left me again in the morning, tonight I was going to give him my heart - to love , to leave… to break.
I untied the belt at my waist and let my robe slide off my shoulders and down my arms. Ranger's eyes never left mine as he scooped me into his arms and carried me to my bedroom.
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And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose
But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break
So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows
-Billy Joel