Oh, in this story, Clare found Darcy after the attempted suicide, okay? :)
This idea popped up in my head and it's extremely personal and I just sort of let my feelings out with this one.
I hope that you enjoy!
Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi. I also do not own the song "Dice" by Finley Quaye feat. William Orbit
The wind blew her already messy, curly hair around her stony face. Her arms stood rigidly at her sides and her body was shaking. Her eyes were clenched closed, giving her a pained expression. And if you looked closely, you could see silent tears running down the hills of her cheeks.
The girl walked closer to the edge of the building, so that the tops of her feet were hanging off of it. She let out a soft gasp, some sort of adrenaline was coursing through her veins. She had always been afraid of heights, but now, the hundred feet from the ground seemed like a close friend to her. The ground seemed to be calling and pulling her to jump. It would only take one more step and it would be over. And this wasn't a game. This was life. And when your life is over, it's over.
She inched closer to the edge. One more little, tiny step and she'd be free falling.
You would have only noticed her if you were looking up at the top of the buliding, which no one was. No one was even there. And even if there were people there, she knew that they would be too caught up in their own lives to notice her.
And with the thought of being alone, she moved a tiny bit closer to the edge. So close that she teetered back and forth on the spot.
She urged herself to take that extra step, to take that extra little jump. In her mind, that seemed so simple and obvious, but her feet weren't working. Her feet stayed in their spot, trying to find balance.
How would people react?
Would her parents finally notice her? Would they think badly of her, because in their minds, suicide is a sin? Would people merely say, 'She was a great girl' and then forget about her?
She didn't know what anyone would do. But she did know that at that moment, she felt so completely alone. She was beginning to realize that she had been taking care of everyone else and leaving herself out of everything. And that was taking a toll on her. It seemed odd that only a year ago she carried her faith and her hopes and her dreams around her at all times. It seemed like it was years ago, but in all reality, it was only nine months ago. Her mind couldn't wrap its mind around the idea of her being depressed.
Depression? Is that what it is?
She couldn't put a label on it. She couldn't give the feeling that she had a name. But she knew what this feeling did. This feeling traveled up her body at the times when she felt vulnerable and useless. It stalked her, waiting for when she was alone, truly alone. And when it pounced, it stuck its claws into her and claimed her as its own. This emotion made her feel no emotion. She felt numb and disconnected. And that scared her. Feeling too much is one thing, but feeling nothing is another. Most days she didn't want to get out of bed or she just wanted to be alone.
And the thing that she didn't understand was why she was feeling like this. Was it the divorce of her parents? Was it the the realization that she couldn't save her boyfriend, because he didn't want to be saved? Or was it because her best friend since grade nine had ran away? Or maybe it was because her other friend never talked to her because he was so concerned about the girl that he was in love with? She didn't know the reason and she didn't know when it started happening. It simply just grew over time and became a monster. It was a cold that turned out to be strep or a bruise that turned out to be cancer.
She didn't know if this was curable.
It didn't seem like it was. It felt like it had become a part of her. It was a leech that sucked everything out of her and continued to suck, even though there was barely anything left. It felt like the birthmark on the right side of her back or the scar on her left arm, from falling of her bike when she was little. And she didn't know how the feeling got in and she only knew one way to get rid of it.
The ground was tempting her.
Just one more step.
Just one more step.
It could all be over.
She took in the summer air around her. Everything seemed fresh and new, but she didn't feel fresh and new. It felt like she was living in black and white and everybody else was living in color. She felt like she was looking at the world with an inch of dust clouding her vision.
She glanced at her watch on her wrist. If she wanted to do this, she'd have to do it now. In about ten minutes, she was having her boyfriend and that friend over. And if she was going to do this, she did not want to be saved. If she completely decided to do this, she wanted that to be it and she wanted it to be done with.
But then she started thinking about who would find her. Would Eli? Would he have to see another girlfriend of his die? Or would be Adam be the first one to see her? The thought of them finding her made her take a shaky step backwards. And then she thought of the time a few years ago when Darcy had tried to kill herself. She thought of her sisters' body that was slumped up against the wall. Those images of her sister made her take a step backwards.
Could she do that to the two closest people in her life? Could she give them the job of finding her after she took her life? Just the thought of that made her stomach hurt. She knew what it was like seeing someone that you loved dearly, dying. It was the scariest experience that one can go through.
Her foot was stepping to take another step backwards when she stopped. Hadn't she always said that she thought of everyone else before herself? She always did what was best for the people around her and not for her own. And with that, she took one step forward.
At this moment of time, she could take one step backwards and be safe or take one step forwards and become friends with the ground.
She had to roll the dice. She had to play eenie-meenie-minie-moe. She had to do something because the devil and the angel on her shoulders were playing tug-a-war with her fragile being. Her body and heart and mind was split in half. She was torn between what was right and what was wrong. The devil and god were raging inside of her and she felt shook up. She felt like a bottle of soda that was just shaken up. She was fizzing and buzzing. Silently. But once you opened her, she would explode.
Her leg lifted up to take that extra step. Her mind was made up. And her decision felt so good as her feet were slowly inching forward to the edge. She was preparing herself to jump. Her heart was beating erratically and her palms were sweating and her legs felt numb. But she managed to lift her foot to step, the step that would bring her to her-
Before her foot could come down, the sound of a door being thrown open was heard and a loud gasp rang through the silent summer evening.
"Clare! What are you doing?"
She had no clue.
But she knew that she had a lot of explaining to do. So she turned head to look at her boyfriend, Eli. The look on his face gave her shivers down her back. And she stepped back from the edge. She knew that by stepping back, she was agreeing to explain things. She was agreeing to be opened and she hoped that he knew that she would explode and fizz and buzz, just like a soda.
She really hoped that he knew.
The roll of the dice turned out alright this time, but she wasn't too sure about the next time.
I am incredibly sorry that this is so bad. I'm honestly thinking about taking it down tommorrow if I don't like it.
But, Review?